8
blue sheets

How very unlucky.

Westchester University prided itself in being the one true place where "help was always around the corner". In an academic sense, maybe that was fitting — I wouldn't know — but in the case of helping me track down my husband's mistress, help couldn't have been further away.

The school secretary kindly explained to me that for safety reasons they could not tell me (a stranger) who had class with a certain someone. Even after I'd told her that I was Nate's wife and wished for nothing but the best for his students (at least most of them), she refused. What I could do, she'd said happily, was attend their Open House on the 19th of November — exactly nine days away. Nine grueling, useless days. And she'd said it with a smile.

Another one of Julia's options was going to couple's therapy. I couldn't believe it; I'd always imagined the people who went to couple's therapy like the ones on TV, where their relationships were so lost and broken it was a wonder they could stand to be in the same room. I wanted to believe that our relationship was nothing like that, but the more I thought, the more it seemed like wishful thinking.

When we got back that evening and Celia and Joseph had long since fallen asleep , I waited for Nate in his — our — bedroom for the first time since I'd made the discovery of his infidelity. The bed was empty and crisply made. New sheets covered it. They were baby blue; innocent like the lilies he'd left. They were soft-looking, like the sheer weight of a person would crush them thread by thread. My legs were tired and the bed was inviting — together they made a dangerous combination.

The last thing I wanted to do was give Nate the wrong impression, so I sat as far away from the bed as humanly possible. Time ticked away. Even though I knew that Nate was still at work, my head began filling with awful thoughts and scenarios, more of them involving Georgina than I'd like to admit.

The plan was straightforward: I would just ask if she was still there. But I found myself stuck in a loop where it didn't seem to matter because he most likely wouldn't tell me the truth. Did it hurt to ask? Was it a complete waste?

I was still torn between the two when Nate walked into the room. He paused when he saw me, his dark eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"Hi," I murmured.

"Hi," He said back, his voice tinged with curiosity and fear.

"We need to talk." That line made me more and more resentful every time I had to say it. Maybe it was because with the frequency I'd used it in such a short time, I'd expected to have more solutions to problems and more answers to questions. Maybe it was because it was my fault in the first place for settling for scattered pieces of the story rather than the whole thing.

"Okay."

It was easy as that. He walked over, sitting down on the cream-colored chaise opposite of me. He threw his jacket over the armrest and leaned back, eyes on me. My fingers knotted and unknotted themselves. My eyes were focusing on anything but him, my entire body acutely aware of the master bed in the background.

"I'll be...honest. I haven't really been working to change things around here lately. Neither of us have, and —"

"What? Bullshit. I'm trying to give you — " he tried to butt in.

"No, please, let me finish." I shook my head. "Before we do anything else, I need to know the truth: is Georgina still in your class?"

"No," He looked almost aghast at the mere mention of her name. "I had her removed from my class a few days ago."

Pain tugged at my heartstrings. He looked like he was telling the truth — eyes sharp, nose wrinkled, and lips spread into a thin line. I knew that face well.

Fuck. I couldn't tell; I really couldn't. Second-guesses were becoming my go-to and the more I challenged him, the more I ended up tangling myself in contradictory thoughts. Eventually, enough was enough. "I believe you." I said.

Until November 19th, that was.

He sighed but he didn't speak; just nodded his head. My lips trembled a little as I added, "Now we can...we can move on."

"Yes."

I swallowed hard. "I feel like I've been running away from you."

He stared down at his socks, quiet for a few moments. "I wouldn't say running. More like you're frozen in place."

That was exactly what it was like.

"You're right; I am frozen." I said quietly. "Mainly because I don't understand how everything turned to...well, shit."

"Shit it is." He mused.

"I don't know what I did wrong."

He faced me directly, his eyes hardening and lips twisting in the way they did whenever he was upset. His hand reached out, snatching mine. "Listen to me: you didn't do anything wrong." He said lowly. "Do you hear me? Don't you dare blame yourself for what happened."

"It's kind of hard to do that considering that you cheated on me," I replied. He had an iron grip on my hand, so I didn't even try to tug it away. "Let's face it: I wasn't good enough for you."

"Don't say that — "

"Don't deny it."

His nostrils flared.

I continued, "Just tell me everything. Please."

He took the time to collect himself, breathing slowly and eyes dimmed. They fluttered shut as he spoke. "I wasn't lying when I told you that getting together with her was an accident."

Bullshit.

"She'd been in my class all quarter, but it wasn't until she volunteered to assist me in some of my classes that I really noticed her." He chuckled nervously. "As bad as that sounds. Everything was innocent at the beginning, I swear. She mostly just helped me grade papers and stuff like that."

He swallowed hard. "Do you remember that San Francisco trip I told you about?"

How could I forget? About a month or so back, Nate had come home devastated because he'd been passed over as the representative of the university at a very prestigious literature convention in San Francisco. "Of course I remember." I said, although somewhat warily because of the direction this was going.

"Well, I was pretty bummed out about it, and I let it show. Geo—she noticed, and she asked me what was wrong. I just went off." He sighed. "At the end of it all, she was still standing there. We talked about it, and I just felt like she really — she really listened me."

"I don't really listen to you?" I whispered, feeling  hurt.

"No, you do," He assured me, frowning in the process. "You listen to me better than anyone. It's just that — she happened to be there, listening to me, at the time when I really really needed it, you know? And I guess we kind of bonded."

I wasn't a bad listener; I'd just listened too late. I felt sick.

"We started talking more after that, and I found that we were really similar. I could talk to her about anything and she could do the same to me — it was more emotional than anything else. She just really understood me." He looked down at his fingers. "And things...things just happened between us."

In my mind I was traveling back in time, trying to see when — in the span of their relationship — I had been neglectful towards Nate's feelings. Generally, we trusted ourselves to be honest with each other. Admittedly, Nate had been down in the dumps for the past few weeks, but the sole reason I knew that was because he'd told me. What was I missing?

Anger took over as I gritted my teeth. "Alright, so onto the most important thing: why and for how long have you been fucking her in my house?"

"The time you caught us was the first." He replied instantly.

I snorted. "Right. Like I'll believe that."

"I'm serious."

"Then why didn't you tell me that when I asked you before?"

"Because I knew you'd say the same thing." He stared me down. "Honest to God — that's the first time I've ever brought her here. And the last."

Good. I bit the inside of my cheek. "I'm still waiting to hear why."

He scratched the back of his head. "Well, um, it's not exactly easy to find...places. She lives in the dorms, so obviously that's, uh..."

I rolled my eyes.

"Anyways, and the only hotels in this area are near there, so that, um, didn't really work either." He shifted uncomfortably.

In a way, it made sense, but it did nothing to quench my anger. "So you decided: why not just fuck her in my children's house? Is that it?"

"It sounds a lot worse when you put it like that." He winced.

"No, no," I said passively. "Putting it like that is doing your actions a huge service. What if Celia and Joseph had been here? Do they really deserve to see their father taking his whore up to bed?"

His eyes darkened until the grey was nearly black and the blue was the shade of Mariana's Trench. "I would never do that to them." His voice — soft as it was — spoke volumes. I was heading into dangerous territory, but at the moment — I didn't give a shit.

"Good to know you at least have some morals." I spat. "Having them see your mistress is a no-go, but having one in the first place and betraying them isn't? Funny how that works."

He closed his eyes, struggling to maintain his composure. "Stop it, Lily. I don't want to fight with you."

Well that's just tough luck, I wanted to say. Instead, I shook my head, letting my anger (for the most part) dissolve. "What the hell are we even doing?"

He didn't say anything, which was good considering that the question wasn't directed at him. I looked down at my feet.

"This is so fucked up."

"You don't have to tell me twice."

We fell into silence. Nate laced his fingers, but other than that didn't move at all. Meanwhile, I was just tired.

"I don't think we're going to get any further than this tonight." I muttered. When he didn't respond, I took that as my cue to leave.

I walked to the door, but before I left I turned around and looked at Nate. He still hadn't moved, but if I wasn't mistaken — his shoulders were sagging even more.

"Maybe we should try marriage counseling." I told him, genuinely speaking.

"That's not a bad idea." He agreed quietly.

"Julia knows someone. I'll give her a call in the morning and see when we can get an appointment."

He nodded with his back turned.

With the blanks that had been filled weighing on my shoulders and my mind, I left the room, leaving him, the blue sheets and the good memories they held behind.

* * *

Hey guys!

This was a bit of an iffy chapter for me, so I'm hoping that everything made sense and it wasn't too bad overall. From now moving forward, we'll be picking up the pace so there's that to look forward to :) you guys ready?

So, what did you guys think? And do you see any trouble brewing at that Open House? Tell me your thoughts and love you all!

xoxo,
twyla