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Eighteen

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The crunch of the gravel beneath April's feet reminded her of her present location and destination. She hesitated for a minute, looking back the way she came in a brief moment of contemplation.

No, it's too late to back out.

Her talk with Hannah had been the best thing to happen to her all summer. Not only had she bonded with her stepmother, it had also pushed her out of the house and into the cold, heading in the direction of the other beach house, 'just to make sure he was okay', or so she kept telling herself.

It might have been at least 8pm, but the Javier she knew wouldn't be asleep by then, if anything, he was probably on the balcony or porch. Almost all the windows were lit, but that wasn't exactly good news here. She couldn't just knock and go in with an 'I'm here to see Javier.' Wouldn't that be awkward.

With that being settled, she found her legs wandering over to the back of the house. If he wasn't outside then he would probably be in his room, looking outside and she might just be lucky enough to find him. She would reassure herself of his 'okay' state and vanish. Easy.

When she got there and looked up, his window was like the black spot in a row of lit candles, meaning he either wasn't inside or that he had gone to sleep.

She picked a rock to throw on his window and wake him up, but then realised how silly it would be, not to talk of—cue the eyeroll—incredibly cliché. Who was she? Romeo? She tossed the pebble over her shoulder.

"You were supposed to throw it."

Dammed if she didn't know the voice, she sucked in a smile and looked up, both relieved to see him okay and embarrassed that he'd caught her trying to throw a literal rock at his window. He stood between the window and its rim, looking down at her.

"You could've just come up, you know."

"I didn't wanna wake anyone," she replied, only half lying.

"No one's asleep yet."

She nodded somberly, trying to find the best way to put her next words without conveying the wrong message. "Can you come down?" She figured being straightforward was probably best, seeing as him coming down would be the first step in fulfilling her mission here. She bit her lip and watched as he stood in thought for a moment, then gave a final nod.

"One minute."

The porch light stood a few feet over her head, surrounded by a flurry of tiny moths, repeatedly slapping themselves to the bulb as if trying to get inside. April soon got bored of watching them, instead, she examined the blue hammock to her left. It'd been a while since she'd sat on one, would they mind if she—

Distracting her from the decision, the door opened. Javier walked out dressed in knee shorts and a blue hoodie with his hands tucked in the pockets. He looked over his shoulder as he exited, then back to her. She nearly smiled, the action reminded her of sneaking out to parties late at night during highschool. She didn't comment on it though, because that was all before. Remembering all that wasn't her focus now, her main aim was to make sure she hadn't caused problems for him, and then she could retire without threading forbidden grounds.

He closed the door and joined her in the balcony under the light. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You wanted to talk?"

"Are you okay?" She asked simply.

He squinted, cocking his head to the side. "You came all the way here to ask me that?"

She nodded, peering at him for the answer she hoped would be 'yes'. He leaned over the railing, moving his head as if processing her request. "Yeah, I'm okay," he finally said.

She nodded, the weight on her shoulders dropping significantly. As if on cue, a light breeze blew from behind her, engulfing her in a chilly hug. He was fine, she'd done well. "Okay, so good," she said with a small smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"That's it?"

"That's all that really matters," she answered carefully. "I came to make sure I didn't cause you any trouble. I didn't, so now I'm leaving."

He sighed. "There's nothing else we could say right now?"

She wrapped her arms around her cold self, looking at him through the strands of hair that had been blown onto her forehead by the wind. Of course there were a million things to be said, but if he had already given up, what reason did she have to keep fighting? "Like what?"

"For instance, are you okay with this?"

She blinked. "With what?"

He shrugged. "This thing between us. Is it over for you?"

"If it isn't?" She asked.

"I'd love to hear whatever's on your mind," he said.

She swallowed and gripped her arms tighter. "And if it is?"

His smile faltered but remained. "We both stay as messed up as we are right now, playing whatever stupid game until one of us loses it."

She wouldn't explain it as he had, but she had to admit he certainly had a point. "You think it's a stupid game?"

"Well I don't think it isn't." He pointed between them. "This right here is the most ridiculous amount of tension I've ever been in. Couple it with the shit ton of pressure I'm getting from Nate and it's like your family wants to kill me."

She tried so hard to fight the smile that tugged her lips to the extent that her bottom lip began to quiver. But when she saw his own laugh break through, she had no choice but to laugh out loud. She wasn't sure why she was laughing at a serious situation, but she knew he didn't have a reason to laugh, either.

He moved towards the hammock and plopped down on it. "Do you wanna sit with me?" He asked casually. "Or wouldn't it be fair to Shawn and your new relationship?"

April shook her head with a smile. "It's not a relationship, Jav."

He smirked and held his hand out to her. "Prove it."

She gave it a bit of thought, though not enough to come up with cons for sitting with him. She sighed and took his hand, allowing him to help her onto the swinging bed with him.

April's heart began thumping. This was the closest she'd been to him at night in two years. It brought back so many flashes of memories, so vivid, she nearly closed her eyes. If it was before, she'd have her lips merged to his by now, or they'd be lying side by side, telling each other stupid things. It was a shame they no longer couldn't. She wondered if he ever pondered over that, and as she stole a glance at him, he was seated with his legs planted to the ground, eyes staring into space.

They sat without words—no words out loud, anyway—but inside April's head was a swirl of prospective next words. She could say anything right now, but she chose to stick to her mission.

"Is everything really good with your dad?"

"You know better than to ask me that," he replied, inching a little closer.

April didn't mind, he could.

"I'm sorry," she stated. She really was.

"For which of your offences?" He asked, but his eyes held enough humor to show that he was only joking.

She rolled her eyes. "My only one, which is being drunk enough for tongue slip ups. I should've known you wouldn't have wanted me to include you in my rant, and I'm sorry that I almost did."

"Apology accepted." He said, his breath 'this' close to her ear, sending chills through her body. She didn't tender apologies all the time, but she felt like this one was meant to happen.

Side note: Maybe she shouldn't have sat so close.

"Why didn't you just finish it?" He asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

"Finish what?"

"Your big speech."

She frowned. "Wait, you wanted me to say it?"

He shook his head. "No, I just... Yes, I wanted you to...kind of. I don't know." He clasped his hands to his face and heaved a heavy sigh. "In retrospect, I don't know. It would've been good to just rip the bandaid though."

April chuckled and pried his hand off his head. "Don't worry, I'll keep it in mind for next time I get bitchy."

He flicked his thumb over her hand, sparks shooting up to her elbow from their point of contact. She quickly pulled her hand out of his, setting it down in her lap. She didn't come here to hold his hand.

"April." Her name was like silk coming out of his mouth. She faced him, holding her breath to prevent it from becoming shaky. "Why not?"

She shrugged. "Because."

"Is this because of him?"

She chuckled. "I don't know how many times I'll have to tell you we're not dating."

"Then what are you doing?"

"It's not serious," she confessed. "Besides, you were the one who brought us together in the first place."

"So it also falls on me to keep you apart?"

She rolled her eyes and ignored him. She wasn't sure what her reaction would've been if Javier had shown up to break her and Shawn apart, but it didn't matter because Javier hadn't exactly laid the right foundation for being the villain. He had done the exact opposite.

"Can you, though?" She asked, feeling the millions of sparks as he laced his fingers through hers again. "You were the one who told him we never dated."

"Your wanted me to be honest about our history?"

She shrugged. "I don't know." In retrospect, she wasn't sure how she would've felt. "But it would've been good to just rip off the bandaid."

He chuckled as she bounced his words back at him, slowly bringing their half clasped hands up to his lips. "I'll remember that for next time."

Her eyes stuck to his hand around hers, her breaths going shallow as he placed a kiss to her fingertips, then her knuckles. She wasn't sure why, but she was completely intrigued at the patterns he began to trace on her palm.

"So what, did they teach you to read palms at Harvard?" She asked, hoping to add a bit of light to the mood.

He laughed. "No, but I don't need that ability to be able to tell you something in your future."

"What's that?"

He kept the silence for a little while longer before replying. "You'll be the best goddamn dancer in the universe."

"Universe," she repeated with a laugh. "Seems far, but one can never be too good I guess." She chuckled.

"Well I've never liked you for your modesty," He said, increasing the intensity of her laughter. When it died down, their eyes met again. Heat crept up her cheeks as she realised he'd been staring at her while she laughed. He turned away, but his expression melted a second later.

"What?"

He shrugged, but April knew he'd say something. "Nothing, I just remembered I will have to go back there after the summer."

She hummed in agreement. "You wouldn't have to if you'd just stuck to what we planned."

"What we planned doesn't really look so possible now, does it?"

She nodded. "It would've been if you'd just stayed in Washington. You didn't have to leave."

"I had college."

"I know you had college, but we agreed on applying WSU for a reason, Jav. You weren't supposed to leave me."

He sighed and moved a little backwards. "I had no choice."

She felt her heart grow heavier and she closed her eyes, happy he was behind her not to see it. "You could've fought to stay...you could've told your dad you didn't want Harvard," she continued, turning around to face him. "Or at least you could've told me that you'd applied Harvard in the first place," she added. "I could've at least been ready."

"I'm not you, and I can't just say whatever I want. I'm not free to say what's on my mind in front of everyone," he said in a barely audible voice.

She frowned deeper. "You think that's all there is? You think I'm free?"

"Freer than I am," he mumbled. "At least you moved on."

"I what? You ruined senior year for me. I wanted you right there, close to me at WSU but you just had to apply some ivy league school and not tell me. I had to find out from my dad."

"You think I wanted the ivy league school?!" He flared, letting her hand go. "April you know I wanted music and film way more than anything. I wanted you, we could've made it work...but we didn't."

"You're right, we didn't." She shrugged, forcing back the tears that had brewed in the last minute. She didn't want to go through all this and he should've never come back in the first place.

[Javier]

Javier's life had never been this hard.
Sure he'd had times where he stood between a rock and a hard place, but this conversation beat everything, even his father's questions—okay, maybe not the questions.

"Why'd you come back, then?" April asked him. "If you have no choice and Boston's your only option, why did you agree to join this trip?"

"I came back because I wanted a break. School isn't exactly easy."

"You knew I was here," she said, pushing it. He couldn't keep answering the questions for fear of slipping his stupid mission out.

"Didn't think you'd come," he lied instead, watching for a reaction. "I'm sorry, but I didn't think you'd be here."

"No, it's fine. I didn't want you to come, either." she offered a small smile. "I planned on using my time here to convince Dad to let me go." She pushed her weight back on the hammock, rocking them back and forth gently. "Not that it's working, so far."

"Is it a bad idea to just go?" He chipped, joining her in swinging them back and forth. "You might find a way to enjoy it."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course I'll enjoy it, it's college." she started. He raised his brows, asking her to continue. "It'll be fun and busy and crazy and everything, but you and I both know that after graduating, you start over in the real world. New job, new life, and don't get me started on the fact that you may not even use your degree. It's a waste of time and life's too short to waste four years trying to memorise shit."

He nodded in reluctant agreement.

"And I'm not aimless, at least I know what I want. Shouldn't that count for something?"

April rarely needed other people's reassurance to make herself okay. The fact that she was asking him made Javier feel better, relevant. "Of course, it does. You'll do great."

"Thanks." She muttered.

He reached over, placing his hand over her shoulder. She leaned in, resting her head on his shoulder as they continued to sway gently under the night sky.

"Hey, Jav?" She asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Hm?"

"Do you think you'll ever regret giving up?"

The question hit him hard. He already hated the fact that he didn't get to choose what school he went to or what course he offered there, but to think that April considered him a failure did something even worse to his insides.

"I've been writing," he blurted, wanting to ease the pain.

She bolted upright. "Really? Since when?"

He shrugged, glad he'd made an impression. "Nothing new, just a few old songs I've been redoing."

"The ones about me?" She asked.

He shook his head, not wanting her to ask to listen to them. When he realised he didn't have any other songs to show for it, he caved and nodded. "Well, some of the lyrics have been...modified."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Oh. Well can I hear them?" she suggested.

He made to protest, but she was already up and moving, not giving him enough time to warn her.