Asian American & Pacific Islander Heritage Month Main Contest Submission Favorite (ENG) - Shivran86

Chapter 1. Ahalya

I do not know why I was born.

They say, Lord Brahma had created me to humble the apsara Urvashi. I had met her once, and I consider myself fortunate for it. Not a speck of overblown pride adorns her necklace. She is self-realised, aware of her worth. Maybe that had instilled fear in certain gods, and they lured Brahma, the man who once lusted for his daughter, to create me.

It pricks that I was created only to diminish the glory of a woman. My own birth is against the race I belong to.

I am born with beauty and brain. I know how to apply kohl in a way best in alluring man, and also know the Vedas. There are many women like me, each knowledgeable in their own arena, but the world finds ways to pitch us against each other. Even though the Devas love to flatter me as the pure lady who showed Urvashi her place, I keep a friendship with her in secret.

There's one man though who knows of this bond.

Leaving the abode of my foster father Gautama, I have come to visit Indraloka. Here, Urvashi is a skilled artist, performing for the elite Devas. I wait for her performance to end, admiring the rare flowers that blossom in the viridescent gardens of this heavenly realm.

From afar I can hear the applause and the cheers of the men. They must be bewitched by the dance of Urvashi. Even I was, when she had first shown me her graceful steps in this same garden. For a moment I was so moved that I wished to hold her in my arms like a young boy. But I laughed at the thought.

"My sakhi has arrived." Urvashi tapped my shoulder, pulling me out of my head. "How are you?"

"As always."

She purses her lips, her forehead crinkled. "Did he do anything inappropriate?"

"He hasn't." I heave a sigh. "Sometimes he tries to have a peek when I am sleeping, or worse, bathing. My mortal friends guard me if they suspect he is near."

"You have got a diabolical man as your father. I am still shocked that he is a Rishi."

"Our world is merciful. It allows great people who have abandoned their path to redeem. I hope he does one day–" I pause at the scrunching noise of feet pressing onto twigs. I crane my neck to see him approaching.

The only man who knows about this friendship.

"Mahendra." Urvashi joins her hand in a namaskara. My hands are frozen on the side. He doesn't mind my disrespectful manner.

"I see your friend has come. It's sad that she doesn't join us in the court."

"I don't think I will be of any value there." I can't look into his eyes. They are unlike any I have ever seen– so blue and starry, as if the sky were flowing through his veins. He is fair like the snow of Kailash, and his lips are prettier than mine. His beauty intimidates me.

He smiles at me. "You are well-versed in the scriptures. My Guru Brihaspati will be delighted to have a student like you."

It's not completely against the rules for women to be in court. No one has ever stopped them from being there, neither has anybody extended invitation.

"Excuse me, I must leave. It's time to train the new apsaras," Urvashi says, winking at me. I blush with a gulp. Now, it's just me and Mahendra.

"Are you going to decline the offer of the Indra himself?"

"Is it going to cost me?"

He shakes his head. "It would cost me. I am going to lose a jewel."

Not once has he cast a lecherous glance at my bosom. His gaze focuses on my eyes, peering into the unfathomable depths of my soul. Perhaps he can read me better than even I am capable of. Any other Deva in his place, however chaste, would have taken a fleeting moment to drink me.

Maybe that's why he is the Rajan of Devas.

"I don't think my father will allow me. He wishes that I remain at home and study there."

"Why should a woman be locked in the premises of a house? None of the women in Indraloka are."

"I don't live in Indraloka."

He frowns, averting his gaze. "You may become a part of it," he whispers, and dares to stand close to me. I need to raise my head to behold this towering enigma. "It's your choice."

I find myself doing what I shouldn't. My eyes linger on his toned chest and pink buds. Despite knowing there's nothing that goes unseen by this man, I am tempted to dream how his arms would feel like.

Like a magician, he proceeds to place a hand on my shoulder. The feathery touch is cautious, his silence seeking permission.

"Why do you make this proposal? Is it because you pity me?"

"No." His fingers glide through my locks, combing the knots. "It's not the urge to rescue you that fuels my desire."

"By asking me to come to Indraloka, during this intimate meeting, you hint that you wish me as wife."

"I do not deny."

Fear engulfs me. I look around, searching for anyone spying on us. It looks like we are indeed alone.

"You are of age," he says. "Soon you will be asked to marry."

"I-I shall think about it."

Mahendra takes his leave. I decide to return back home too.

It doesn't feel like home, the ashram of Gautama Rishi. I feel caged there, a divine bird bound to golden shackles. Mahendra knows about it– Urvashi told him. He never confronted me directly about my predicament, but has often requested me to join him.

I wonder– is it truly affection that he seeks? Maybe he does, and that pushes him to offer me help. As the Rajan of Devas he can't just do anything desperate.

I have seen many men in my life. All seem more or less the same, except Mahendra. If he has found in me a hope for forever, I must respect it.

Love will take me out of misery.

Chapter 2. Ahalya

Lord Brahma has asked me to be returned. Finally, my stay in Gautama Rishi's ashram comes to an end.

I am happy, yes, but I try to hide it. I smile and clap when alone, sing to the chirping birds and play with the rabbits.

"Ahalya, it's time for us to go."

I shiver at his voice. It's deep as the mountains, rooted in dominance. I find his gaze roving over me. Instinctively I clutch the uttariya closer to my chest. "I am ready."

We climb on the chariot and it sets off. Today is going to my last in this prison. I will be free, a woman who can live as she wants and roam wherever she likes. When I see the gates to Lord Brahma's loka, I can't help but chant a prayer loud enough for Gautama to hear.

The guards welcome us with reverence, showering on us marigold petals and washing our feet with milk. My father blesses them with a stoic face. Then, we are brought to Lord Brahma's audience.

"I am pleased by your service, Gautama," he declares in his booming voice. "You have inculcated in this maiden spiritual values."

"My duty ends here, and I hand her back to you, Lord Brahma."

"Yes. She is in the prime of her youth. Although to be evergreen is her fate, there's a certain charm to this age, and I believe she is suitable for marriage."

I so wish for him to now ask if I have anyone in my mind. Because I do, and I would love to be with that man.

"I have chosen a man for her."

My heart shatters. Lord Brahma is choosing for me? I want to protest, but that would be seen as audacious. No one would want to throw away his words.

"It's you, Gautama. I am impressed by your self-control. You have conquered your five senses. Like a responsible father, you have reared her as your child, but you two aren't related. As a gift for your virtuous conduct, I present to you Ahalya– the most gorgeous woman of the universe."

Gautama has no sign of surprise in his face. "Thank you, Lord Brahma. I shall be a good husband to her."

Lord Brahma closes his eyes and dives into meditation. I stand with tears streaming down relentlessly and quivering lips, feelings choking me to death that shall never come to this immortal.

Gautama grabs my waist, this time with full right that I cannot deny. His fingers dig into my flesh with unbearable heat. I bite my lips and suppress a cry.

I so wish to be rescued.

Chapter 3. Ahalya

I won't be able to push him away for long.

Every night he tries to inveigle me into being intimate. Given that the wife has a say, my 'no' keeps him at a distance. Although that doesn't stop him from tracing my curves and making me hate myself.

I know, if I don't consummate this marriage, he will tell people I am having an affair. And by chance if they find about Mahendra, his rule will be challenged.

I don't want to put Mahendra in danger. He sends letters which I half-heartedly burn to ashes. I never write him back, I dare not. And tonight, I will give Gautama the opportunity to relish me.

It shouldn't be as traumatic as I am imagining. Perhaps love isn't in the destiny of the most beautiful woman. Beauty is a curse.

The full moon reminds me of Mahendra's shine, his round face and the eternal childlike charm. I put balm on my wounds, imagining the moon to be his face.

"I miss you."

A gelid breeze weaves through my midnight locks, reminding me of the moments his own fingers would play with my tresses. I exhale, the old, phantom touch of his palm igniting in me a fire.

"Ahalya?"

I jerk out of my thoughts. Gautama is standing at the threshold of our house. "Come in," I say.

Unlike other days, there's a sadness in his gaze, a foolish fear dancing in his orbs. He doesn't undress me with his stare, but simply admires. "I missed you too, Ahalya."

His words puzzle me. I narrow my eyes, studying him closely. A gasp escapes my mouth when I see through this illusionary disguise. "Mahendra?"

"Yes!" He clasps my hand. "Sleep has shunned me since you left, Ahalya. I want to be with you."

He is hot to touch, akin to my own body. Gautama has never been able to make me feel so hungry and passionate. I want to beg Mahendra to take me, but the bondage of marriage is threatening.

"You aren't married to him. You haven't consummated the marriage. And no one asked for your consent to this relationship. It is against the values."

"Brahma decided for me. What could have I said?"

"It bewilders me that life hasn't turned its face away from you. I am here, Ahalya. You could have raised your voice even if a little, instead of regretting so badly!"

"I mourn every day, every night!" Tears spill down. "But no one ever taught me to stand for myself. Except you, Mahendra."

Mahendra kisses my knuckles. With all my strength, I attempt to yank away, but he pulls me to his chest. Our bodies are rubbing against each other. My mind goes blank, and my heart thuds wildly. "It's wrong. It's a sin."

"I love you, Ahalya. I see no sin. Let me make you happy, even if for a night."

Before I can protest, he plucks at my lips, kissing me with so much sacred devotion. I melt in his embrace. It's his sturdy arms that keep me on the floor.

"It will make me cry every other night," I whisper on his lips.

"Order me, and I shall come–"

"Ahalya!"

The scream breaks the bubble of love. My husband, Gautama, seething with rage, throws his shaft at me. On my forehead is carved a cut that bleeds into a river. Gautama then points at Mahendra, "You lowly Rajan thought you could mask yourself, but my years of wisdom gets your game. I curse you–"

"Be in your limits, Gautama." Mahendra summons a lightning bolt in his hand. "You have married a woman against her wish, knowing very well that she sees you as a father figure. You have maligned the holy bond of a parent and a child. And you think you will curse me?"

"You have committed adultery with my wife. She–"

"She isn't yours. She is a woman by her own right and can separate from you if you torture her."

"Oh, really?" Gautama scoffs. "Then, let me make her mine."

Gautama kicks Mahendra and grabs me by my hair, leading me towards the bed. I shout for help. Gautama's hands land on my back, pulling down my skirt. His impatient grunts make my stomach twist. But before he can do the horror, Mahendra's bolt charges at him. He is struck to the ground. I ran to Mahendra. "Run," I manage to say.

"With you."

I hesitate, but it's only for a moment. Soon, I cross my arm with his, and we flee from the accursed ashram.

Chapter 4. Ahalya

Strange that lovers must hide in a world where culprits run free.

We have lost count of how many days we have been secretly living under the sea, with Varuna, a former Indra. He agreed to provide us shelter, having experienced prejudice first-hand when he was the Indra.

He had to give up this position for love, and now, along with his beloved, he stays in the eternal waters.

"I think we should visit Shiva," Varuna tells us. "He was the one who helped me and Varunani make a home. His heart is as vast as this cosmos. Surely he will understand."

Mahendra and I exchange glances. Not everyone gets the chance to meet the Great God, Shiva. My hands grow sweaty. It's good luck, definitely.

"We will go."

****

Deep in meditation, Shiva sits with his legs crossed. Mother Parvati sits on his left. Soon, he opens his eyes.

Shiva isn't someone handsome. With matted locks and ash-covered arms, tiger skin wrapped around his waist, he is what an ordinary human would term as ugly, or maybe commonplace. But there's a warmth emanating from him that makes this cruelly cold Kailash as beautiful as Indraloka. And then when he smiles, one is reminded of a brother's protection.

"Isn't it so saddening, Parvati, that lovers always suffer so much?" He turns to his wife. "Fate has the habit of testing the sweetest souls."

"You know about us?" I ask, baffled.

"Shouldn't I, Ahalya? And from what I can see," his third eye shines a little, "they are coming."

Of course, he is the All-Knower, the one present in every particle of matter. It relieves me that I don't need to narrate my eventful life, but I am anxious about the visitors who are coming.

They turn out to be Gautama Rishi and the Devas.

"This is blasphemy!" Gautama shouts. "They talk ill about a sage so wise and mighty as me. I am being humiliated!"

Shiva raises his hand. "Quiet, Gautama. What brings you and the Devas here?"

Gautama shots my lover a wrathful glare and then falls at the feet of Shiva. "My Lord! This woman here, whom Brahma gave to me, has broken the marital vow! Behind my back she has been sleeping with this Indra and refusing my advances. As a husband, do I not deserve her submission?"

"And we, O the Lord of Destruction," spoke a Deva, "seek the return of our Indra. He has forgotten his duties and taken refuge in the sea."

Shiva nudges Parvati with his elbow. The divine Mother gestures Gautama to stand. "Rishi, did you ask Ahalya if she was ready for the marriage?"

"Mother, I-I," he stammers, "why should I? She was given to me by Brahma himself!"

"Not expected from a Rishi as bright and brilliant as you. A woman's word is the last thing. Even the mortals are aware of it."

"But what about the fact that she has been copulating with a stranger despite being married?"

"She hasn't!" Mahendra comes forward and defends me. "She has not crossed her boundaries. And tell me, Rishi Gautama, didn't you raise Ahalya as your daughter? How can a father's heart so soon change and morph into passion? It shows you were never pious."

"You insult me before the gods?"

"Pardon me, Rishi Gautama, but you have wronged a woman."

"She is a sinner," he hisses. "An impure, tainted woman with no virtue."

"I am not a sinner," I trumpet through gritted teeth. "Not once but many times have you seen me as a forbidden fruit, the wish to violate me brimming in your heart. How could you think that I, who grew up seeing you as a father, would willingly marry you? It's shameful!"

"We aren't sinners, Rishi Gautama," Mahendra says. "And even if we are, we have sinned in love. Love has brought even the greatest gods to their knees," he looks at Shiva, "so who are we?"

The frown on Mother Parvati's face silences us all. We stand with her heads lowered.

"I must say, Rishi Gautama, you have knowingly made this woman miserable. Her heart belonged to someone else, and very rightly so. As a woman I can feel her."

We wait for Shiva to speak. His word will be the ultimatum.

"Gautama, you have sinned by watching a woman, equivalent to your daughter, with vicious desire. You forget that a woman and a woman only can decide whom to give her body to. And even after the seed of a man has entered her womb, she remains unadulterated, unploughed."

Shiva's words are directed at me. Goosebumps line my neck– his knowledge has filled me with divine strength. Unploughed– a woman whose body can never be abused, whose dignity never be slandered.

"Thus, I punish you to spend a thousand years in penance, until a liberator comes and frees you from the burden of sins."

Gautama shakes his head. "But–"

"Enough." Shiva's cold stare shuts his mouth. "And Ahalya, your marriage is annulled. You can create a home with Mahendra, whom I ask to immediately resume his duties in Indraloka."

Unable to control my joy, I flung myself in Mahendra's embrace, blissfully ignorant to the assembly. I squeeze him so hard that he begs me to be lighter. With a grin I face him, his cheeks flushed scarlet.

Mother Parvati teasingly smiles. "Do invite us to your wedding, Mahendra."

"We will," he says. "Me and my lovely wife."

The Devas take us to Indraloka, where I finally meet Urvashi after a long time. She cries and complains how I have been a bad friend, but it takes only a few hugs to calm her down.

"Bless you, Ahalya. May you have a prosperous marriage." Urvashi giggles.

Mahendra doesn't shy away from placing a kiss on my forehead. I give him a peck on his forearm, his height being too long for my short self. He bends down to give me access.

It's a different kind of thrill to kiss him when everyone is watching. The world around spins, blurring everything except his face.

"My prince from a fairytale," I murmur breathlessly.

"And my honey-eyed maiden."

I can't wait to have him forever.

Chapter 5. Gautama

It's been years since my punishment.

I haven't seen my face in a mirror in these uncountable years. I have come to despise myself with the passing of time. Long ago, when the wounds were fresh, I would think how the world was so unjust to a man. Wasn't a man supposed to be the greater one between the two genders?

I understand now. The trees, the juicy fruits that they give us, the bubbling rivers and the singing birds– all are, in fact, woman. Womanly. Feminine. I have been living because of her. Shrouded by lust, I had committed an unforgivable sin.

Mahendra still hates me, I know, although Ahalya is very merciful. It's the nature of women– they forgive easily, but never forget. She has come to me a few times, asking if I have changed. I always tell her that I am changing, and ask her to go back to her husband. She assures me that bitterness has left her mind, and she respects me like a daughter.

I wonder now, is it her external beauty that attracts men, or the unblemished, spotless canvas of her heart?

Time is long for us divine beings. We have so much time to sin that a hundred earthly births would cease in that moment. So, we also have enough time to redeem.

And the wait will end today.

I hear the excited screech of squirrels and see the deer and her doe sway to the tune of the clinking waterfall. Everything around is so otherworldly. It feels like I am a part of a great story.

Moving the mesh of green climbers and bush, two handsome men come towards my ashram. They glow like princes of the sun clan, but their attire is poorer than mine. One is fair, and the other is dark like rain clouds.

The man, bathed in midnight, beams upon seeing me. I stand in awe of his grandeur. The way he holds his bow, the arch of his brows, and his flowy gait– they all clearly tell me he is godly. But who is he, and why is he here?

I find myself joining my hands in reverence and kneeling down at his feet.

"May I get some water? The perilous journey has made me thirsty."

His voice is music, akin to a mellifluous song trickling down a flute. I know this man, my soul does. I have been waiting for him...

"Who are you?" I ask.

The prince lifts me up from the ground and embraces. "Rama," he answers.