Book: VALENCE

Author: Aarya2103

Genre: action/adventure/mystery/thriller

BLURB

I did not like this. At all. Omg I just realised how blunt that was. But still, I don't think it had very engaging qualities and it just seemed like bullet points of the plot were merged to create it. You mentioned the plot, which is good, but you need to focus on adding mystery. Vague, but not too vague. If that makes sense... I've re-written it for you:

Parents are dead. Brielle is in mourning. That's how it should've been, anyway. But what happens when Brielle finds out that they might still be alive? That they have been kidnapped, taken to a mirror dimension, by her mirror clone. Suddenly, her world turns parallel, quite literally, when she discovers she is a valence, able to shift worlds.

Journeying with the very person who got her there, she is determined to find her parents. But nothing comes easy. Brielle must sacrifice her sanity, and endure a journey full of betrayal and pain. Will she save her parents? And more importantly...will she save herself?

So, in this version, I have cut out quite a few names. I think there were quite a few introductions in the blurb which weren't needed, as well as re-wording it. Or here is another option.

Brielle is stuck between false realities. What is real and what is fake? Her parents should be dead, but after being pulled into another dimension and told they have been kidnapped by none other than her mirror replica, she isn't so sure. Believing such outlandish stories isn't like her, but how can she refuse to believe when the evidence is right in front of her?

If you learned your parents may not be dead. And you had an opportunity to save them, would you? Would you take a path full of betrayal, uncertainty, and grief? Well, this story isn't about you. It's about Briella and her trusty sidekick, Ace, who did in fact choose the path ridden with betrayal, uncertainty, and grief. Will they be successful in this mission? Or will Brielle lose not only her parents but a part of herself?

Also, by not including names, more mystery arises when the reader reads the book. For example, when Ace mentions 'Arya,' the reader will be more inclined to continue, to find out who this is. Whereas the current blurb just gives away that information, so there is nothing grappling readers to the book.

SPAG

Overall, there weren't any major issues here. However, most errors lied within comma usage.

Original: 'Gradually as you sink deeper the luxury of light is snatched from you and is replaced by stark darkness.'

Edited: Gradually, as you sink deeper, the luxury of light is snatched from you, replaced by stark darkness.'

So, I've added missing commas but I've also shortened it. I just felt that it aided the flow. I feel like you could do this quite a lot. for example:

Original: At first, your chest constricts, and fear grips you with its long claws.'

Edited: 'At first, your chest constricts, fear gripping you with its long claws.'

Making these changes allows it to be more readable and punchier... if that makes sense. There were also quite a few comma errors, which can easily be fixed. If you have the time, go over them. But if not, perhaps consider getting an editor. I will point out a few errors though, that do not regard comma usage.

Original: 'triggered yet another one of my memory.'

Edited: 'triggered yet another one of my memories.' The plural form needs to be used here.

- question marks. regardless if something is said in emphasis, if it is a question, rhetorical or not, a question mark has to be used. e.g. 'What did I ever do to it that it had to betray moi!' should be 'What did I ever do to it, that it had to betray moi!'

CHAPTER 1

That start had me hooked! I loved how you described grief so beautifully and the figurative language blew me away. However, you did have a flashback here and I'm wondering if that was necessary. It detracted from other scenes. If you did want a flashback, perhaps it'd be beneficial to place it in a further chapter. For example, when Brielle is pulled to the parallel dimension, she could recall what happened and think about how none of it was real. Even if you wanted to keep one of the flashbacks, although I personally would take both out, that would be fine. I just felt there was too much.

WRITING STYLE

I loved this so much! Your descriptions (not of people/things but feelings) were beautiful and made it feel real. It was engaging and the reader can grasp the lengths of pain. Perhaps it's because I'm an empath, but I could feel everything the characters were. Your words took me on a crazy journey.

DESCRIPTION

There was almost too much. In every piece of dialogue, you would list three new words to describe something. I don't think this was the best way to go about it. Descriptions felt forced. As I mentioned, your description of feelings was beautiful, but not so much of people. This was the case in chapter 1, but I do appreciate that as chapters progressed, so did descriptions.

ORBS

Yes, a whole section is dedicated to the word 'orbs,' but I have seen this in countless stories, and I can't stress the importance of not using it. It sounds extremely amateur and can detract from the writing style. I know Wattpad writers seem to have an unhealthy obsession with that word, but it doesn't mean it's a good thing.

OVERALL

Although it sounds like a lot of criticism in this review, it definitely had more positive qualities than negative. I adore your writing and this book took me on a journey that I loved! Everything is pieced together so perfectly, and I wish you the best of luck with this novel <3