Book: Folium

Author: airisecily

genre: sci-fi

COVER

It correlated to the book which was good. However, I do think it needs an upgrade. It simply wasn't alluring enough, and the template itself looked more suited for a leaflet than a book cover.

BLURB

I know blurbs can be an area that a lot of writers struggle with. However, I did not understand a thing in the blurb. I have written a blurb for you, based on the story so far.

In a world where human life is tied to mother nature itself, humans are more careful than ever. Looking after the planet is crucial for not only nature's survival, but their own.

But what happens when Vera's friend, Dan, puts a plant at risk? A life.

I know the plot is so much more than this, but this originally keeps the reader's interest, without giving the good part away.

PARAGRAPH 1

sentence structure, tensing and punctuation were prominent problems here. In the first paragraph alone, I spotted countless mistakes. I have re-written this paragraph for you so it flows better, as reading it was a challenge for me.

Earth was dying. Humans on the brink of extinction. And it was only themselves to blame, driven by selfishness and their lack of empathy towards others. Too self-absorbed to acknowledge the crisis surrounding them. Scientists were desperate and so, hanging on by a thread, conducted a crazy experiment dismissed by humans. But when the global crisis worsened, and millions of acres were destroyed as well as lives, they had no other choice but to listen.

INFO

There was quite a lot of unnecessary information presented.

- Firstly, we do not need to know details like Vera wearing a crop top. It would be better to just say bare stomach and leave it at that. Also information like the aunt staying around often, or when her lunchtime is. If it doesn't contribute to the progression of the plot, cut it.

- Also, the information about folium just seemed like one huge info dump. This could've been presented in a more structured way. The ending of the first paragraph was confusing and unnecessary. You repeated the same thing, just with more facts. Facts the reader does not need to know.

PODS

I did not get the pods. I think more time needs to be worked on the description of these. Description, not facts. Instead of telling the reader the mechanics of it, build a picture in the reader's mind. If a reader can visualise scenes, then it's bound to be good.

SPAG

This was a huge issue in the book. There are extensive errors, which I cannot list due to the length of list. I recommend using an editing shop to aid in fixing these mistakes. Look for an editor, and make sure you have checked out their work beforehand. If their work contains mistakes, it is likely they won't be able to pick up on yours. Don't blindly fill out forms, engage with the person you are requesting from. I will give you some tips on grammar.

- Prepositions: In vs on

In: Something contained within something. e.g. 'in her hands.' 'in the cupboard.'

On: position refers to something that is atop or above a particular place. e.g 'on the dresser.'

- the verb ask. 'asked' is past tense, whereas 'ask' is present. If someone else is doing the verb we add an 's' e.g. 'I ask, she asks, they ask.'

- stay consistent with tensing. Switching between tensing is not only grammatically incorrect but can greatly confuse the reader.

- question marks. Make sure you are using these, including dialogue.

STRUCTURE

I know it was done in an author's pov. However, writing still needs to be at its best standard. Descriptions were pretty poor. I was looking forward to you describing the 'kind of white box,' but it was disappointing when I got a poorly formed description :/ I liked the diagram though, you're talented at that, it's just a shame this couldn't be portrayed through writing. Think about the different senses too, not just sight. Imagine yourself in that scene. What can you hear? Smell? Taste? Feel?

POV

Talking about the POV, I did like this a lot. The POV felt more personal, and so I was inclined to read. If it was executed better, this could really be successful.

DETAIL

So, Vera pinches Dan's arm, and when he reacts she clarifies that it is not a dream. However, the catchphrase goes, 'somebody pinch me,' as if you can feel it then you can clarify, not by doing it to someone else.

CHARACTER INTERACTION

I don't think this was the most realistic. Her aunt is getting abducted, yet she leaves her to laugh with Dan, somehow forgetting about the fear, only to get shot at. You need to work on the transition between scenes too. Also, there was a bullet to her shoulder and leg, so I'm confused as to how she didn't bleed out. Having her condition does not mean she is immortal lmao. I get she was put on the stretcher, but there was a lot of time before this was done, and I would at least expect her to fall unconscious.

OVERALL

As I said, this book does need quite a bit of polishing. But don't worry! For it is not a lost cause lmao. You have a nice, solid plot that just needs to be developed. You have a skeleton for your story, but you just need to make the most out of it by re-writing chapters! I wish you luck in this novel <3