Book: The Story of Snow

Author: -JustADaydreamer-

Genre: fantasy

BLURB

I was so excited when I read this! The last line was so powerful and set the tone for the story. I knew the story was going to be brilliant, just by reading the blurb, and I was not disappointed!

WORD CHOICE/ LANGUAGE

I loved the language choices used! A lot of scenes were described maturely and vividly! However, there are a few language changes I can suggest:

Original: 'Not saying a word in response, the boy did as he was told...'

Edited: 'Without a response, the boy did as he was told...'

The original is not grammatically incorrect. However, I felt the language change is useful as it sounds and flows better than what is currently written.

Original: 'He especially liked to watch the Phoenix because a few times he got to watch it be reborn and that never failed to awe him.'

Edited: 'He especially liked the Phoenix, because a few times he got to watch it be reborn and that never failed to awe him.'

There was an overuse of the word 'watch' and when I recite the original it sounds a little odd. By editing out one of the 'watch' the sentence flows better on the whole.

Original: 'It was usually empty during the day and so it was empty now when they went in and she helped him to his bedroll'

Edited: 'It was usually empty during the day and so it was empty now when they went in as she helped him to his bedroll'

The original doesn't necessarily have to be substituted for the above - there are many options. However, the original doesn't flow very well and I felt 'and' was used too much.

Original: 'Before he had a chance to say anything else, she had run off and he listened to the sound of her feet until he could no longer hear them.'

Edited: 'Before he had the chance to say anything else, she had run off, and he listened to the sound of her feet until he could no longer.'

'hear them' is not necessary for this sentence and so can be shortened.

GRAMMAR

Overall, there weren't that many mistakes. However, I did pick up on a few:

Original: 'Fervently he glanced around but no one was paying him much heed.'

There should be a comma after 'fervently.'

Edited: 'Fervently, he glanced around but no one was paying him much heed.' There was another example of a similar mistake in the chapter, 'Four Blank Walls.'

Original: Presently the boy turned and knocked briskly on the side of the wall.'

Edited: Presently, the boy turned and knocked briskly on the side of the wall.'

The last mistake I will note:

Original: 'Snow said something back but whatever it was, it was lost in a mightier cry than either of them could have ever made.'

Edited: 'Snow said something back, but whatever it was, it was lost in a mightier cry than either of them could ever have made.'

I noticed that commas were missed in places quite a bit. I would recommend editing any mistakes. I am by no means an editor but there are many editing shops you can use if you don't have the time or if you feel it would be beneficial for another to look at your work.

SENTENCE LENGTH

I had to point this out as I really loved this. I often see books where all sentences are either extremely long or extremely short - with not much variation. However, in your novel, there were great examples of varying sentence lengths which I loved to see!

PLOT

The plot had me hooked! The idea was original and added to the overall enjoyability. The journey was literally crazy! I am so looking forward to updates <33

CHAPTER NAMES

Another strength of the book. I was literally excited to see what the next chapters were going to be named as I found them so creative. I felt this really voiced you as an author. Can I also just note the ending of, 'Four Blank Walls' and the beginning of 'The Attack.' I was literally in love with this ending! I wished there were more examples of creative/exciting endings or beginnings, as I feel this can really make a difference in a book. I felt this was lacking in the beginning chapters.

WRITING STYLE

So, when I originally read the first few chapters I was already in awe of your writing. However, when I got to the further chapters, your writing style improved massively! If this writing was portrayed in earlier chapters too the book would be SOOO much better (and it's already amazing which says a lot).

OVERALL

A brilliant book which I greatly enjoyed! I would definitely recommend this to others.

▹So I know updates are getting slower but I will still try and get reviews out so no-one is waiting longer than 7 days, maybe 8 or 9 lmao. I'm tryingggg. I am back at school (physically), so time is limited but I will try as hard as I can xx Stay safe everyone <33