AUGUST 7

MAUD

I wasn't a big fan of formal goodbyes, but when Nicki texted to say that he was about to return to Seattle for the rest of the summer, I immediately biked down to the ferry terminal.

I didn't allow myself to be mad at him for not giving me much of a warning since we'd barely spoken in the last week, but there was a part of me that wanted to be mad. Nicki leaving Friday Island meant accepting that no amount of emotional damage control could salvage our relationship, and I didn't think I was ready to wave to white flag. I wasn't ready to give up on us yet.

After locking in my bike at a nearby rack, it only took me a few moments of scanning the crowd to spot Nicki. He was standing to the right of the small green terminal with his back turned to me as he overlooked the water. His blond hair shone like a beacon on an overcast day.

I hesitated for a beat, glancing over to where cars were already driving onto the ferry. It was only a matter of time before other passengers would need to board. Not wanting to waste another second, I stalked up to join Nicki at the railing. He jolted at my sudden arrival, nearly dropping his coffee into the choppy blue water of the harbor.

"I honestly didn't know if you were going to show up," Nicki said, sliding another coffee my way.

My heartbeat hiccuped. Nicki had bought me coffee before, of course. But this time felt different. This time felt final. Like one last gesture of romantic normalcy before calling it quits.

"O ye of little faith," I quipped and took a sip of my coffee. Its lukewarm bitterness complimented my mood.

"Well, after I stormed out of your kitchen like an angsty preteen, I figured you might have had a change of heart." Nicki's soft voice had an undercurrent of sourness.

"No hard feelings," I shrugged, exhaling a hard breath. I could only imagine what Nicki endured on July 10th. "Given the circumstances, I think it was a respectable exit."

Nicki stayed quiet for a moment, his eyes shifting up to the overcast sky before returning to me. "If you told me in April about everything that would happen over the summer, I don't think I would believe you."

I laughed, realizing that I wouldn't either. There was so much that had changed, and it almost hurt to wrap my mind around.

"I miss who we were in Vancouver," I confessed. The damp air nipped at the back of my throat as I inhaled a steadying breath. "Do you think things could have turned out differently if we just stayed there? We would have escaped all of this."

Nicki's lips pressed into a small and unhappy smile. "Looking at it now, those days seem really simple, but they weren't. I think the illusion of simplicity is what I miss because I don't miss who I was."

I felt my eyebrows pull together. "And who was that? I liked him a lot."

Nicki was quiet for a few moments, his expression solemn as he seemed to mull over his answer. "I was someone who thought that I could change somebody else's mind by being what they wanted and that in doing so, they would eventually become what I wanted." His eyes shied away from mine as he paused. "Because what I wanted was somehow the better outcome and the right outcome. It sounds fucked up and selfish when I say that out loud..."

I nodded as I hestiated. I couldn't trust that my voice would be steady right away. "I guess we both changed for the better then. We both have a better idea of what we want and when we will be ready for it."

There was an unspoken truth that this was the last time we would show up for each other in the same capacity as we had before the start of the summer. There would be no more calls after midnight, confided dreams, and kisses over coffee. Summer would end, and so would those tender moments. But parting ways amicably was what we owed to each other.

Or at least what I owed to Nicki Watson.

Nicki's expression softened, the coldness in blue his eyes thawing. He exhaled the kind of sigh that a delicate question usually followed. "I think I already know your answer, but I need to hear you say it because one day, I want to be able to forgive myself."

I swallowed my nerves and stood up a little straighter. "Ask me."

"I didn't go after you that day," Nicki said, holding my gaze, and the regret punctuating each syllable pulled at my heartstrings. "I knew what you were going to do, but I still let you walk away. I've replayed that moment over and over again inside my head, trying to decide if there was something I could have said to you to keep you from leaving." He swallowed hard, his throat rippling with restrained emotion. "So, was there something? Did I do something wrong?"

Heat crept into my cheeks. I knew the color would show beneath the sky of gray clouds, but there wasn't anything left to hide.

That morning out on the cobblestone corner, Nicki told me I wasn't a lone wolf. He'd wanted me to know that I didn't need to go at it alone. But contrary to popular belief, a lone wolf didn't want to be alone - it was searching for other wolves because, without the support of a pack, it was rare that a wolf was strong enough to endure the wilderness alone. If I didn't know that then, I certainly did now. But I wasn't about to ask Nicki to stay when he'd asked me to wait, and I'd refused.

"There was nothing that you or anyone could have said that would've stopped me," I admitted, staring at the pink scar on my palm. "You did everything you could have done."

"I know you guys think you're getting close to figuring it all out," Nicki said, resting his tan forearms on the railing and leaning forward to catch my eye. "And while there's a part of me that wants to see this nightmare through, I think it's best if I go. I got a part-time job volunteering in the ER at Seattle Children's."

My lips automatically pinched into a frown, but I quickly expelled a sigh of reluctant resignation. "I understand, and I admire your self-awareness. I always have."

Nicki gave a short laugh. "It's kind of selfish of me to make this last moment about me, but thank you for that."

"Don't thank me," I shook my head. "Not when I haven't thanked you for everything you and Allix did that night...so, thank you for that."

"Okay, fine," Nicki heaved out a sigh. "Consider my thank you formally rescinded."

"Also, I hope that day comes soon," I said, forcing a smile. There was nothing left for us to fight for, at least not together. "Not that I think you need forgiveness, but if you're looking for it, you have it from me. I want you to know that."

"I can't make how I feel for you go away just by leaving the island." Nicki's hand brushed against mine on the wooden railing. "But I want to believe that we'll be happier and that we don't need closure. We'll just keep going in different directions even if we're in the same city."

The misty air seemed to grow colder and quieter as if we'd just extinguished the flame that had burned between us. I blinked, and while it was only for a fraction of a second, a single tear now blazed down my cheek. Before I could even think about reacting, Nicki softly brushed it away with his thumb.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"Of course."

The sudden blasting of the ferry horn propelled us out of our introspective moment, an obnoxious reminder of the time. Unlike most people in the Pacific Northwest, I didn't have an affinity for ferry boats. All they ever seemed to do was take people away from me and Friday Island. My parents, Dakota, and now Nicki.

But Nicki needed to get on board. I had to let him go, and hope that maybe one day he would come back.

"Enjoy Seattle," I said, toying with the zipper of Nicki's rain jacket before looking into his blue eyes. I assumed this was the last time he would look at me this way - like I was someone he might one day love. "May the rest of your summer be peaceful and uneventful."

Nicki pressed a quick kiss to my cheek. "I'll see you in Vancouver."

I watched Nicki leave until I could no longer distinguish him from the crowd and promptly exhaled a sigh. What we lost in each other, we found in ourselves. It wasn't replacement, just growth.

*

I could practically feel my leg hair growing while I stood in the freezer aisle of the tiny convenience store on the edge of downtown. The dim fluorescent lights hummed overhead, casting bright streaks on the white epoxy floor.

"The dairy-free ones aren't terrible," Allix said, holding up a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. "Fudge-brownie also tastes great with Pinot."

"I'm not picky, so please just pick one out for me before I freeze," I replied, my teeth chattering.

When I'd texted Allix asking her to help distract me from my emotions without repressing them, I hadn't expected her to suggest ice cream and wine. But I wasn't complaining.

I couldn't remember the last time we'd hung out, but we were both busy with our personal lives. However, if there was one thing that I valued most about our friendship, it was how we were always capable of picking up from where we left off. Time wasn't an imposing factor. Neither was the small yet significant development of Allix's romantic relationship with Dakota. But that wasn't a subject that I wanted to dwell upon while I'd just torpedoed my own romantic relationship.

Allix unceremoniously dropped two pints of ice cream into our basket. "Fudge-brownie it is, then. Self-checkout here we come."

We were walking across the parking lot to Allix's car when my phone vibrated in my hand with a text from Syd.

SYD ATWOOD, 6:24 PM: Not a big deal, but Dakota and I are going to talk to Mike Bennett at the Cape Blue lighthouse. There's a night shoot tonight so we won't be alone for long.

Just as Allix unlocked the car, I stopped walking. Nothing good could come out of Syd and Dakota talking to Mike Bennett. Before I could make up my mind about whether I should say anything to Allix, I felt her gaze drill into me.

"Hey, are you okay?" Allix asked, pausing beside the open car door. The breeze pulled strands of her light brown hair in front of her face, but that didn't hide the sudden rigidness of her expression.

"Yeah, it's just a text from Syd..." I trailed off, preparing myself for an adverse reaction. "He's on his way to Cape Blue with Dakota."

Taking advantage of Allix staring at me like I'd grown a second head, I launched myself into the passenger seat of the car.

Allix dropped into the driver's seat a moment later. "To do what, exactly?"

"Talk to Mike Bennett."

Allix looked more than ready to bash her head against the steering wheel. "I told them not to do anything that they would regret," she lamented.

"We need to go to the lighthouse at Cape Blue," I urged and cast a sad glance at the reusable grocery bag containing my coping mechanism. "I guess we're just going to have to let the ice cream melt."

"Literally nothing good has happened at Cape Blue this summer," Allix stated, our ice cream forgotten. She started the engine and reversed a little too fast for my liking. "Why would they think that today would be any different?"

"Because it's Dakota and Syd," I answered, rubbing my temples. Even though Dakota tended to air on the more cautious side of everything, he and Syd were great at enabling each other.

"That's not a good reason. Like at all."

It was clear that Allix was trying to keep her emotions at bay, but I could still hear the worry in her voice. I wasn't about to simply ignore it.

"Listen, I know you're worried about them...about Dakota," I said, keeping my gaze on the winding road as fog slid down the pine-covered hillside. "But after everything they've gone through this summer, I'd like to believe they have good common sense." I cleared my throat. "Anyway, I've known you and Dakota for a long time, and I think it's why it's easy for me to be happy for you. I just wanted to say that before we start a potential rescue mission."

When I glanced back at Allix, a faint blush painted her cheeks. "Thank you. It's very new...we're still figuring out how it's going to work when we go back to school."

"But you will figure it out."

"I hope so, " Allix sighed out and straightened in her seat. "So, Nicki texted to say that he was leaving the island this morning. Did you say goodbye or..."

"I did," I confirmed. "I think Nicki was ready to leave, and I couldn't stop him."

"But was that what you wanted?"

The question hit me hard, knocking the air out of my chest. I knew Allix wasn't trying to pry, but her bluntness wasn't something I wanted to deal with right now.

"I'll see him back at UBC. I'll be okay."

"I didn't ask if you'll be okay because I know you will be," Allix said, sliding me a tiny smile. "I asked if that's what you wanted."

"I don't know," I blurted out, my voice louder than I'd intended, but Allix didn't startle. "I want to say yes, but feel free to ask me again in a week or so."

"I'll mark my calendar."

After a few quiet moments, I inserted the AUX cord into my phone and went directly to Goth Babe's Spotify profile to play End Summer. With the music playing, I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I considered mentioning something that had played on my mind ever since I'd woken up in the hospital after nearly drowning.

Brace for the impact

You're what I want back

"Some people who have had near-death experiences claim to get this insane kind of clarity afterward," I began, looking out the window as the water came into view.  "I didn't have that, and I don't know if I ever will."

Allix sighed and cracked her knuckles against the steering wheel. "I think it's hard to find that clarity when there's still so much that's unresolved. I also think that's what makes closure so appealing because when something ends, there always seems to be a dose of clarity involved. Sorry if that was a bunch of jumbled nonsense, but does that make any sense?"

I smiled even though I knew Allix wouldn't see it. "It did to me."

I remembered saying something similar to Dakota at Pacific King last week. Even if closure wasn't possible, everyone needed to start moving on. That was easier said than done, but I had no choice but to try.

Twenty minutes later, Allix parked the car in the main parking lot of the state park, and we stepped out into the misty evening air. While I held up my phone in search of cell service, Allix popped the trunk and removed a metal bar with a single curved end. Even with the sun hidden behind a wall of clouds, the sleek polish seemed to shine.

I felt my eyes bulge. "You keep a crowbar in your car?"

Allix offered me a nonchalant shrug, gently tapping the curved end against her palm. "Ever since I got my driver's license. My parents weren't satisfied with pepper spray."

Nerves began to prickle in my chest as I watched Allix shove the crowbar into her backpack. "I really hope we don't have to use it."