They told me that there had recently been a field hospital and that maybe they would have helped us. They said that most of the displaced are women and children. Some manage to settle close to family, friends or acquaintances, but others have no choice but to stay in the nearby primary school, with little access to food and water. Many are traumatized after having seen their partners, parents or siblings killed in the midst of this insecurity.
Due to the ongoing conflict and displacement in this region, the medical needs are enormous. In order to respond to the needs of host communities and displaced populations, there are now mobile clinics that travel by boat or by car with the aim of providing primary health services where they are most needed.

The months of constant travel come to weigh. But it's been a long time since I count how long I live in days. Above all, I am certain that I add new days due to the change of sun and moon.
Yes, I keep track of today because, since December 4, I have been counting them.
It is March 19, I am further from home than I was yesterday but closer than I will be tomorrow ... I keep moving forward, crossing paths and surviving.

My plan to escape from Akobo was perfect. Much more than I thought. I remember telling Awel and his people about it on a night of fighting in the streets of Sudan. We were hidden like almost every night since I got there.

"It could be a suicide plan." The man pointed out.

I looked at him. His children were looking at him. Zahiya too. Perhaps they had him as the head of the group, the sensible one... being the oldest and father of two... But I shrugged my shoulders tight, looking at him.

"Or maybe not. Do you have something to lose?" I asked for. Although his children were there.

He looked at them and I looked at them too. Yes, maybe he could lose his children, but here they were all. Everyone could lose. He to his children, his children to their father.
However, they were all survivors. They were fighting for their lives every day, and what good is fighting for your life if you don't fight to live?

"When does the flight leave?" Awel asked making me smile.

He smiled too. And it was almost as if everyone had to see him smile in order to do so. It was strange... There was screaming and gunshots outside, but we were smiling.
A group of refugees hiding from criminals in an old building full of dirt, dampness and rubble, with provisions of stolen food, blankets and accumulated clothing.

"In two days." I said then, because I had already been observing the flights, the loading of merchandise and the work of the operators at the airport.

"We will make a plan." I said looking at everyone. "We can not fail. I want the seven of us to get on that plane and the seven of us to go out. Are you agree?"

Obviously, their answers were 'yes'. Strong 'yeses' said with their voices in a nod. Almost in unison, as if it were a gospel choir in the crypt of a church... even if we were only in an old warehouse abandoned and condemned to be destroyed sooner or later.

"Have you done this before?" The older of all wanted to know.

I was silent without being able to help it. I've done a lot of things, but getting on a cargo plane, no. And I couldn't say yes because my silence was too telling.

"No. That's why I'm going to do it now."

I answered hoping to be convincing enough. I was not only seeking my salvation. He was also looking for his.
I wanted Awel to follow the road with his people, but neither could I be responsible for their deaths, or their repatriation, should we be discovered. Awel didn't seem too convinced at first and I think his kids were scared.

"And how do you propose that we do it?"

In these cases, thinking well, taking everything carefully to the millimeter and having a plan B, is essential. But plan B is never used if plan A goes wrong. Therefore, the best thing is to devise a perfect plan A in which there is not a single failure, we do not lack anything, but we do not have too much.
It is better to be cautious and be a little afraid, that we become overconfident and, in the end, we fall into a mistake for having trusted ourselves so much.

"We will go to the airport." I said, managing to make Awel raise his eyebrows with a mixed expression of surprise and guilt.
He was one of those who told me about the airport and he knows that he gave me the idea.

"There are always workers who load and unload the merchandise. We must enter at the right times." I said, explaining seriously.

"And how do we know what those moments are?" Athieng asked with some fear in her voice.

"I've been watching ..." I told them so they could know I wasn't talking just to talk. "They load the merchandise on large pallets that they place in the cargo area of the plane." I explained, looking at them.

"We won't be able to get in until there's enough cargo inside. So we will hide."

"What if they see us?" Zahiya asked.

"They can't see us." I shook my head flatly.
"We have to make sure we get on that plane after the load is enough that we can find a hiding place inside."

Awel listened. They all did it but, he, with greater attention. He was surely assessing whether my plan was a good one. And it was. Actually, it was.
I looked into his dark eyes, full of nobility. And I spoke to him directly.

"We must do well. The girls and the little ones will enter two by two. We have to do it in three moves at most ... If we take longer, we might be discovered." I look at them: Awel and two of her children; Irshad, Zahiya, Amani, and me.

"We are seven, Anoona." It will be very difficult to do it two by two in just three movements. Awel replied, whose wise word was very valuable to me.

"Not so much ..." I pointed at him. "You will be the first." I told him, getting his denial instantly.

"Children and women first."

But that broke all the schemes of my plan. So I shifted on the floor, settling in by shifting my position and sitting on my own bent legs. To convince a man of something sometimes takes a lot of patience.

"Listen, I understand your position, but that alone could ruin the whole plan. Either you go in first, or I, but the children don't. I would risk being the first one but, the best thing is that it is you, wait for your children inside and have the hiding place for them when they come in after you."

I explained, noting that he was thoughtful. "Or I can be the first, check that everything is going well, risk that if someone is caught it will be me, and wait inside for your sons, children and women, and then you."

Awel looked at everyone and I think I could see the glint of tears in his eyes, from a faint light filtered through a crack in a door onto a staircase that led outside the basement.

"What if we all get in before you and you stay off the plane for being the last?" Awel asked.

I had already thought about that. It was one of many possibilities. There were thousands of chances that something went wrong out of a few that everything went well. But you have to hold on to the good. So I shrugged my shoulders.

"In that case, I'll wish you a safe trip..." I smiled.

Really, if it turned out like this, I only wish I had drawn up the perfect plan, that they followed my directions and could move forward on their journey while I found myself a new escape plan.

"And I would meet you again at another time. I would catch another plane, cross borders ... Who knows where the road would join us again?"

But I saw a decision in Awel's gaze. And I knew what it was since before the day came. Everyone was looking at me... It seemed like they had hope, that they liked the idea...

"In any case, you have to follow the Nile ... You have to walk north."

I didn't like the possibility of staying behind very much, but in cases like this, you have to take the obstacles and comforts in the same way. And, what he was clear about is that there are no comforts in stowing away on a cargo plane with six people and the possibility of being discovered from the first minute.

But everything seemed insufficient. Insufficient because nothing could go wrong. So put, hiding in a cargo plane didn't sound too difficult. But when doubts arise, no matter how small, they end up being huge.
I remember that night when the children, Yiye and Amani, fell asleep next to Zahiya and Athieng while Irshad remained attentive to what was happening outside, with his eyes wide awake and no sign of sleep —like Awel and I—, he spoke .

"I don't see you very convinced." He assured.

I realized that he had been watching me for a while until I looked at him. He kept turning everything over in silence and, looking at him, I couldn't smile.

"If the plan fails, we lose." I told him getting his nod, which only made things clearer to me.

"We need an alternative, girl …"

That sweet way of calling me shook me. It reminded me of my mother, Leiza, the affection with which people treat when they want to be close to you.
I didn't want to talk, and that treatment from Awel made my throat tighten. I had to take my eyes away from his but seeing Zahiya sleeping hugging the girl, Athieng with Yiye in her arms, while her head leaned close to the little girl, it also made me shudder. As well as the vigilance of Irshad for all of us.

"I do not have it." I confessed. "I think this could be suicide if something goes wrong..." Hugging my knees, sitting, with the lantern light between us, I felt more alone and lost than ever, even more than when I was alone in the forest.

"We need to carry weapons." He said then, getting me to look at him.

From my face he must have sensed that I absolutely denied that. And more, judging by his words.

"At least one gun."

We have carried weapons with us. I always carry a knife. In case I have to use it, it will be when I have to defend myself against someone, but, if I carry a firearm, I could pull the trigger at the first signal of attack even if it is a false alarm. Fear is very treacherous, but a direct bullet to the heart, more.

"I don't want guns."

Awel remained fixed on me but I looked away. Only he knows what he was thinking and I will always know what he spoke.

"It is easier to abuse our power if we can, than to let those who really are powerful defeat us. The vulnerable are us. And I am willing to leave here, not to stay, or to be discovered and deported."

Those words hardened my emotions. Then I looked at him again:

"I have been fleeing from misery and suffering for two years and I have never fired a bullet. Nor am I going to do it now."

I think I saw a gesture of compassion in that man who seems so kind to me since I met him. And I also think that if it hadn't been for him, nothing would have turned out the way it did.

"When you run away, when you survive, when you fight every day for your life, you end up realizing that a weapon is your best ally when all those above you can take you even lower. When you understand that and use your fear to be brave, you will know that having a gun in your hands doesn't make you a criminal, but a survivor."

And maybe he was right and his reasons for saying that, but I kept denying myself. Still, he wanted to know how far Awel would go to get out of here and to save his family.

"What do you propose?" I then asked without saying anything about what I would or would not do. And so I got him to talk.

"Hijack the plane." He just said, low enough for Irshad not to hear, but loud enough for me to hear.
I'm speechless. I didn't want to scare anyone, I didn't want to put so much at risk, I didn't want to end up being the one who was pointed with a gun.

"Do you know how dangerous a scared pilot can be because someone is pointing a gun at him?" Awel looked impassive, but his eyes were bright. I think I was equally determined, scared, convinced, and resigned.

"And that they discover us?" He asked then.

And there it did leave me speechless. By the time I wanted to realize it, the day came. Unfortunately or fortunately, the time that passes when we wait for something can be very slow or very fast. It all depends on many factors that are almost never the same on other occasions when you expect something again.
Every wait is different.

According to Awel, if we made the cargo plane 'our', we could go further, cross borders and circumvent airport security, diverting the trajectory. But that would be to attract attention, to provoke fear in people and for everything to turn out like a robbery in a bank carried into inexperienced hands. So, I tried to take that idea away from him, but when we drove miles and miles to the Akobo airport, the tremor of fear was still in my body.

I didn't really know what was going to happen, and uncertainty can throw all plans overboard. Just thinking that there were two children with us already put me on alert because, they were the ones who had to be put to safety the most.
I looked at them and saw me.
Nobody has put a soldier's helmet on us, nobody has covered us with a bulletproof vest, nobody has given us a uniform, nobody has given us a flag... but they have all put us at war.
We left with little luggage and food distributed in backpacks that we carried with us. I came to Akobo with nothing and was about to leave with enough to survive for quite some time even in a forest, but I was scared.

Tired, with the marked fatigue in our breaths, we arrived at the airport in time to see how the workers prepared to load merchandise onto the plane.
I looked at my partners. It seemed like everyone was going to a war for which no one had given a hopeful speech. They had the typical face that anything could go wrong.

"We are merchandise..." I whispered. Athieng was the first to look at me, with a serious expression, illuminated by the suffocating sun, whose head was covered with a handkerchief. I smiled and then she smiled.

"We have to go unnoticed…"

I told them. Awel was looking at me smiling.

"We are here for you, Anoona. Everything will be fine."

But I knew that plan A would be difficult and that not everything would work out as I had planned. Still, he addressed Irshad:

"Anoona doesn't want guns." He warned, leaving me a different calm under my chest.

We all had weapons. Me, my knife, Zahiya, a modified pistol that he achieved once a conflict between two groups of rebels ended in broad daylight on one of the most troubled streets of Akobo, near the market. But I knew I wasn't going to use it. However, I was scared of AK47s in the hands of Awel and Irshad.

* * *

It is so easy to get hold of a weapon in Sudan, as it is chilling... There is arms trafficking and, those who consider it a solution, a lifeline —contradictorily—, do not hesitate to take advantage of it. Many times, life depends on death. But whoever takes a weapon and makes it his own, becomes a rebel, a warrior and a murderer.
I just wanted to cross borders, carry out a clean plan and be brave only if fear allowed me.

"At my signal, Awel, come in." I told him getting his nod.

I paid attention to the movements of the operators, distracted talking to their colleagues as they loaded the plane. I raised my arm, with it flexed, as I watched carefully. There was someone inside and he just had to wait for it to come out.
It was watching him come out and I lowed my arm down like he was giving the fire signal.

"Now." I said in a low voice. Awel ran slowly with his AK47 on his back, along with the luggage. I internally wanted him to get to the back of the plane, to sneak in carefully and find a good hiding place.

I saw that man march like the one who, in the second row, sees the opposite side go to the first battle lineup... He was big, but he even got smaller as he advanced towards the steel giant around which the workers were stationed.
They seemed to me as soldiers from the opposite side and, the unpaved ground, a field full of mines.
It was as if time was slowing down, as if Awel was running defying gravity and the voices of those workers were heard more slowly and with echo. I was looking at them. To them and the children, hoping they weren't scared, especially the little one. Athieng, was crying seeing her father go and I was pleading with Irshad with my eyes, to do everything possible to comfort the girl's crying and calm her fear.

By the time I wanted to realize it, Awel had disappeared from my sight. At that moment, I felt fear. I didn't want to miss a thing and yet, having been looking at the children, paying attention to what was happening among those we were waiting for, played a trick on me. Suddenly everything seemed to run faster, as if someone had hit 'play' by starting up what had been frozen for a few endless seconds that I don't even know if they reached minutes. I could see one of the workers, directing another of his colleagues to put the next pallet of cargo, the same one that was transported between several workers.

Restless, I glanced at Irshad, the oldest of those with me and the only man with Awel. He looked at me. I could see the fear in his dark eyes. And I decided that I had to be strong because I was carrying the weight of this whole mission and I didn't have all my faith that Awel wouldn't despair and end up hijacking the plane.

"It's Zahiya's turn..." I said getting her to look at me.
I smiled at her because she looked scared.

"Everything is going to be fine." He was carrying Yiye in his arms and Amani was hugging his legs.
Internally he asked that nothing happen to them... He feared that, three, it would be too much. That's why I closed my eyes as Zahiya walked so carefully towards that cargo plane that the last workers to enter had left. I did not see what was happening and, although it could be a mistake, I only felt calm when Irshad shook me by taking my arm to open my eyes.
I looked at him.

"Anoona!" He yelled in an exclamation. Until then, he hadn't heard anything. Nothing. He hadn't seen anything. But I looked around for Zahiya and the children and they weren't there. Behind Irshad, Athieng looked at me in fear.

"It's your turn." He said then. "It's your turn to go up with Athieng". He told me. Although I didn't want to because he would be the last.

I remember looking the girl in the eye. But the last thing I saw was the Kalashnikov that Irshad carried on his back.
Just thinking about hearing gunshots burned me inside but imagining him shot down if I was discovered, it broke me into a thousand pieces. That could be the end of everyone.
I summoned all my willpower and held fast to fear. As strong as Athieng's hand.

"Be careful." I said to the boy, wishing I wasn't discovered then and that no one discovered him. But everything is different when you experience in the first person what you have experienced in the second.

It was I who was going to the cargo plane with Athieng by the hand. I did not want to look back... I was crouching forward so as not to attract attention because of my height, stealthy so as not to make noise, next to her so that our footsteps would not be heard. My eyes betrayed me going to where the workers were while I begged to find a place inside with our colleagues, already hidden.
I didn't want to look back, but I have a problem with that. And I did it.
Irshad looked scared; the road traveled, too little and, ahead, too long. But I looked back at my goal: the plane.
The minefield without mines was under my feet and my war was being fought in more silence than I thought. Until I heard a voice too close to us. A normal voice, accompanied by laughter and footsteps.

With force, I pulled Athieng and was quick to cover her mouth with my hand so that not a sound, not a breath, not a single sound escaped her.
I took up position just under the huge plane, with my back against one of the big wheels. I hoped I'd been swift so they wouldn't see me, stealthy so they wouldn't hear me, and thorough enough to find a posture in which to go unnoticed.

The voice came from one of the men who was about to get on the plane. He had stood next to another and, from my perspective, I could see two pairs of legs with their boots, standing next to the side of the cargo plane. But I was worried about Irshad, whom I looked at, seeing him hiding in the same place where we had left him, behind a wall.
He gave me a sign. A sign marking the other side of the plane. I thought you were telling me to try it out there. So, carefully, I moved there, because perhaps he had realized that the operators were not going to move from the site.
I made sure to take Athieng with me, whom I looked at, noting his expression of fear. Cautiously, I put a finger to my lips asking for her silence and uncovered her mouth to grab her back with both hands and lead her with me to the other door of the plane, which was open.

In a hurry, I helped Athieng first, who I lifted up to the top of the ramp.
It wasn't until I saw her inside that I climbed in and, holding the edge of the door, leaned back and signaled Irshad to hurry up. As fast as I could, I ran carefully inside where I saw the girl disappear behind one of the loaded pallets.
All of the cargo filled part of the plane but there was still space left and there might be nothing left when they finished filling it. So, I went down one of the very narrow aisles created by the merchandise and hit the bottom with the wall at my back. I hurt myself and I knew that I would arrive in pain at my destination, but if I stayed still there at least until they finished loading the plane, I would not be discovered. I looked around for the others but couldn't see anyone. I heard voices outside, noise, footsteps... And it was too hot. I closed my eyes tightly asking any greater force that could hear me, that everything would pass soon, that we were not discovered...

I was thinking of my mother, of my captors, of the first border that I crossed, of that life that was born from me, of all the time that I have been running, hiding, fleeing...
Everything I experienced seemed even too little for how slow time passed... And I opened my eyes when my own breathing seemed so rapid and resounding. I looked at the place where I myself had come to my hiding place.
I tried to hear and understand everything they were saying outside... I tried to understand the noises that sounded... I tried to calm myself because the others were with me even though I couldn't see them and, after so many seconds of anguish, a passing shadow seemed a light.

It was Irshad, who had finally got on the plane and was heading further behind where I had hidden. But outside, everything seemed to remain the same and the cargo continued to fill the plane. I didn't even know how long that would take... I just hoped everyone was awake enough by the time we reached our destination.

I remember covering my ears in an attempt to lower the noise when more merchandise was loaded onto the plane. I remember the sweat wetting my skin, the heat suffocating me, my body pressed against the merchandise, the pain in my back and legs... Everything, an effort to achieve a goal.
Everything that happens in life requires too many things that sometimes we overlook... until they happen.