P A R T  O N E

San Diego, California

     Four months had passed since he last saw her.

     He didn't know how or why he started thinking about her, but it may be the book that had caught his eye playing tricks. Sunflowers and Swirly Stars was its name, a tribute and an exploration on Vincent Van Gogh's late work, and it was in sudden direct eye sight of him when another student took the book in front of it and caused it to shift.

     And suddenly sunflowers and swirly stars took the form of a girl with curious eyes and an earth-shattering smile.

    "Earth to Theo?" Nicholas threw a paper ball at his head, startling him. "Have you been listening to anything that I've said?"

     He blinked. "Am I suppose to answer that honestly?"

     The other boy raised his arms up. "Seriously, man, we're all trying to graduate and get our Arts degree here," he muttered. "So, you know, we can turn jobless and have to resort to being a street artist begging for scraps for our entire lives. But hey, passion, right?"

     Theo really didn't know how to respond that. "Sorry. I just got a bit distracted."

    "What were you thinking about?" His other friend, Ian, nudged his shoulder. An oddly quiet guy but one who observed things better than people would expect.

     Just a girl with stars in her eyes.

    "Nothing," he shook his head. "Nothing."

     But it was everything all at once.

     His eyes wandered around again, stopping at the vast window illuminating their school library. Yellow, orange and red leaves whirled like a small tornado, the colours blending amongst each other so much that it looked like sunset. The sky looms over them — grey but bright — as if there was a threat of rain but it never does. He felt a lingering sensation on his back, like a revelation was about to unravel itself. A revelation of the past. His past.

     Curious eyes and an earth-shattering smile —

    "Right." Nicholas raised an eyebrow and flipped another page of their project, giving Ian a look. "I'm going to pretend you're not going through an existential crisis right now."

     He hadn't truly realised how much time had passed until he saw it. The leaves turning crisp and falling from the trees, blown away into oblivion. Would that mean other things may fall into oblivion, too?

     The thought of it made his heart clench. Made his mind lose focus and made his whole body ache. Ache for... for someone he left behind.

     And someone he had to find again before they too became leaves floating in different directions, never crossing paths again.

***

     His tombstone stood in front of him.

     TYLER MARSHALL, June, 29, 1999 — April 10, 2016.

     His friends wondered why Theo would make his way to a graveyard. At least that was what he thought — Nicholas and Ian always looked after him whenever he'd excuse himself during a seemingly mundane day, like they knew something was clouding his mind. He never told them about his past because he wanted a fresh start.

     And because he was still dealing with it.

     When he first landed in San Diego, his family had been his priority: Chase waving frantically at him at the airport, and his parents whom he hadn't properly seen for almost four months. The sight almost brought tears to his eyes; especially when his parents embraced him like he hadn't disappeared at all. Zach gave them space until Chase tugged at his shirt and basically crashed them both.

     They stood there, just embracing, five pairs of arms wrapped together like it was the only thing holding the axis of the earth. His earth.

     Once that was done, though, he had other matters to finish.

     683 Bishop Drive stared at him in silence. He swallowed a lump in his throat. Just do it. He knocked once. Twice. One last —

    "Hello," a sweet voice replied, "how can I help — "

     Her eyes finally met his. He completely froze; and that was maybe the scary part, because he wasn't fidgeting anymore. If he had to walk away, he wouldn't. He couldn't. It was like his blood turned to ice and his skin to stone and he was just stuck there.

    "Why are you here?" Her tone was so cold and sharp and it cut more than blades ever could. "Why did you come back? What do you want?"

    "I — " Shit. What did he want? He cursed himself, not having planned this through. "I wanted to... I wanted to make amends. We didn't part on good terms the last time — "

    "Yes," she interrupted, already opening her mouth for a retort. Because you basically killed my son. But she pursed her lips shut.

     He gulped. "And for the right reasons," he breathed out. "But I wanted to change that. I know I can't change certain things, but I can change this one thing. Please give — give me a chance, Mrs. Marshall."

    "No. I don't know what you thought you were going to achieve by coming here, but clearly you've made a mistake. You should — "

    "Who's that, honey?"

     Mr. Marshall appeared from behind her, having descended from the stairs. Mrs. Marshall gripped on the front door harder, like she knew her husband was about to do something she didn't like.

    "No one we'd ever welcome to our house."

     Theo's chest caved in. Everything in his body hurt — hurt that people still didn't believe he could change, that everyone still looked at him like the piece of shit he was before, that he could never erase this horrible past of his that somehow defined him as a person and would continue to haunt him until the last of his days.

     But Mr. Marshall somehow saw that. So he squeezed his wife's shoulder, stepped them both aside and let him in.

     All the while, he tried to explain. Explain why he was a different person; his past toxic environment; why he bullied their son to suicide. He was careful not to make it sound as if he was making excuses for himself, and tried to make them see things from his point of view. Make them see how guilty he felt, the pain he caused, the utter regret he had to endure for the past year and probably for the rest of his life.

     He didn't know when tears started rolling down his cheeks. He ignored them, wiped them away even when they started blurring his vision. But when he blinked again, Mrs. Marshall's were red.

     Then she started crying, too.

     None of them admitted that they were okay, because they weren't. Sometimes the days were better; and sometimes they weren't. But maybe that was a good thing — it was better to acknowledge the hurt they felt. There was a certain beauty in vulnerability after all.

     He didn't tell them the sharp looks he got from strangers; the sneers from old classmates; the random people who'd spit harsh words at his face or throw a punch here and there for beating up a poor kid.

     My brave little boy, the markings under Tyler's name said.

     Theo laid a flower on top of it. A sunflower. Because to him, a sunflower became a sign of hope. That things were going to get better. Maybe not now, but in the future. Someday.

     As long as he kept reminding himself that there was still people who loved him, and most importantly — those he loved.

***

     December rolled in, and so did final exams.

     It was a time of stress that he hadn't experienced before. Maybe because this time, he actually wanted to pass and make himself proud — not idling by and waiting just to graduate from a shitty high school. He, Nicholas and Ian spent hours in the art studio, finalising their projects and studying for their history essays.

     Only one thing drove him forward: his New Years' break.

     And when it did finally arrive, a wave of immense relief hit his shoulders. He could finally come home.

    "Theo!" Chase screamed, throwing his arms around the older boy. He let out an oof! as he tried carrying all of him, wondering where the hell he got his strength from.

    "Miss you, too, kid," he groaned out.

     His parents appeared right behind him. "My boy!" His mother shrieked, quickly joining his brother's stance and tackling Theo with twice as much force. Theo instinctively dropped his bags and stumbled back a bit, while his father chuckled at the sight from the door.

    "Alright, stop tackling the boy, and let him come inside first."

     Coming home was weirder than he thought. Everything seemed to be the exact way that it was, but it was the feeling that changed — he was so used to feelings of anger and desperation. Isolation as if they were all just strangers living under the same roof. His parents ignoring both of them and caught up in their own reputation; Chase holed up in his room; Theo bitter and angry all the fucking time.

     But now he could actually feel the love around him: from the way Chase walked with a light jump to his step, to the smell of roasted chicken his mother had prepared, from the TV playing E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial which indicated they'd been watching a movie together.

     It felt like family for the first time.

    "Tell us about your school," his father started, taking a big bite of the chicken. "How are your grades so far? When's the final project? Did you make any friends?"

    "Dad, you literally asked me the same questions when we called the other month."

    "Well, I'd like to know if there's some new developments."

     Theo couldn't help but roll his eyes. It was a natural mechanism -- to which his family was far familiar with. "Oh, don't be a bore," his mother chimed. "How are Nicholas and Ian?"

     "Still annoying. Still friends."

     Annoying became a term of endearment the past few months, so despite saying that, he actually did like his new friends. They were the first people who didn't see him as the vile person he had been before, and if they somehow heard about his past, then they either didn't show it or have their opinions changed because of it. No sneers nor dirty looks. They gave Theo the chance to become someone new again, and he didn't have a lot of that.

    "Did you hear anything from Zach?" Chase muttered through a bite.

     As a matter of fact, he did. His sports scholarship got him to a really good school in Philadelphia, which was a long way from their San Diego home. But it was only eighty miles away from New York — where he knew a certain blonde girl was at. He shrugged off his theories, though, because maybe Zach was just there to look for a brighter future.

     His father nodded. "Seems like he has a lot going on for him."

    "He deserved it," Theo agreed with a small smile.

    "And what about that girl?" his mother perked up. "El — Eleanor?"

     He paused his fork mid-way.

     I'm not sure was at the tip of his tongue but saying it out loud felt like a knife to the heart. It brought home the fact that they hadn't talked for three months. It wasn't like one of them deliberately just started not responding, because they had talked during the first month away — late-night calls, morning texts, selfies exchanged — but the conversations got shorter and shorter. It faded away gradually... they faded; and it went without them even noticing until it happened.

    "I'm sure she's doing great things, too," he responded quietly.

     The table went silent, sensing the tension and emotion in his tone. Dinner ended quickly after that, and even after Chase tried redirecting the topic, Theo couldn't stop his thoughts from swirling around.

     What was she doing? Who was she with?

     Where are you, El?

    "Hey."

     He blinked. They both had retired to the couch, with their parents insisting that they had no problem cleaning up the kitchen despite his offer. "Yeah?"

    "Why don't you just talk to her?" Chase blurted. "Pick up the phone, dial her number, tell her that you love her and you want to be with her?"

     He startled. "Chase, it's not that easy — "

    "But it is." He let his brother continue because he simply didn't have any words. "People spend so much time worrying about what would happen if that or what would happen if this but they forget to even do the if part. Like, they think about it so much that they end up not actually doing it," he said in a rush, "so stop delaying and just do it."

     He didn't know what else to do except stare at him. Everything he said made sense — and that was the scary part. He knew his answer already, and what he needed to do. He was just afraid of the results.

     But here he was, with his little brother, who had always been his best cheerleader. And suddenly he wasn't afraid anymore.

T O   B E   C O N T I N U E D