Chapter Twenty-Nine

❝She was supposed to be a safe harbour for him.

But she had storms of her own, too.❞

They were kissing.

     His mouth was on hers, and Eleanor closed her eyes, pulling him closer. Theo's lips were soft yet strong and demanding, as if this had been a desire burning deep inside of him, as if she was oxygen and he was drowning and he could finally breathe.

     Their body reactions were almost instant. He pulled her entirely against him, and she was sure he could feel her heart thumping wildly as they met chest to chest. She held on to his neck and she felt him shiver against her lips, felt him breathing heavily as he broke away, only to lean in and capture her mouth again.

     Was this how it felt when a soul called to another? To have one's lips feel foreign and strange, yet so familiar? To have your heart skip a beat, adrenaline in your blood, and wanting more of it?

     He tilted his head, deepening the kiss. In response, she pulled at his hair a bit, making him let out a soft groan against her mouth.

    "Theo," she rasped.

     He pulled away, and she ached for him again, but his mouth found her neck, leaving marks all over her skin, and she gasped at the sensation. He continued his way up, on the spot behind her ear, then her cheek, but just as he went to capture her mouth again, she stopped him.

     This was wrong. This was so, so wrong.

    "Wait," she breathed.

     Theo's own breath was as rapid and heavy as hers, their foreheads touching. Her head was spinning with thoughts, and her body felt warm and dazed, like she'd been drinking too much. And her heart — stars, her heart was about to burst.

    "We can't," she whispered, "we can't do this."

    "Why not?" he murmured, nudging her nose with his. "You know how I feel about you. And I know you feel the same way about me, too." Then he frowned, pulling away a bit. "At least I hope so."

     El was quiet.

    "Oh God, I'm an idiot, aren't I? I shouldn't have — "

    "No," she said softly, the one word sounding so loud in the quiet space between them. "I do feel the same way, Theo."

     He sighed in relief, resting his forehead on hers again. "Thank fuck."

     But El didn't feel the same solace. Having just kissed him and admitting her feelings aloud meant she had to make a choice — a choice she had to make, but a choice she wasn't ready for. A choice that, in all sincerity, absolutely terrified her.

     And then there was the guilt ensuing every bit of her bone. The thought of being unfaithful ruined her; how would she feel if Travis did what she just did moments ago? Her chest immediately constricted, but not for the obvious reason.

    "I need a moment to think," she whispered.

    "What more do you need to think of, El?" His tone was pleading, and it was damn understandable. They'd finally found each other, so why was she still pulling away?

    "I want to do this right." She swallowed, looking up at him, still around his arms. Stars, it felt so good. He felt so good against her. It took every ounce of her willpower to step away. "And there are things I need to do, Theo, before that happens."

     Silence. Then his eyes cleared.

     He slowly exhaled, his breath tickling her cheeks, before releasing his hold on her, his touches slow and lingering. She felt cold at his absence; she wanted so badly to return to his arms again.

    He skimmed his fingers on her cheek, softly, gently.

   "Take all the time you need, okay?" he murmured, eyes flickering over her face. "Whatever you decide, I'm with you." He swallowed and closed his eyes shut, as if his next words truly pained him. "Even if that kiss was all we were ever going to get."

     Her eyes were red, his pain mirroring hers.

     Not knowing there was much more pain to come.

***

     El sat at the same spot she did the first night she met Theo.

     The wind blew strands of her hair, and the sunflowers drifted, one by one. She didn't bother picking them up. She just watched them as they silently fluttered away — lost in the sand, lost in the sea.

     The last remaining fires of the festival still raged behind. Anchor's had finished their part, so there was no one left in or near the shack, meaning that El was all alone.

     But she still heard footsteps approaching.

     It was Daisy.

    "Hey, you okay?" she asked, dropping on the sand beside her and tucking her knees up.

     El couldn't find any words.

     Daisy bit her lip at the stillness. "I saw it, you know," she whispered. "You and Theo together. I saw everything."

    She let out a strangled choke. "You must be disgusted by me right now, are you? What we did was wrong. What I did was wrong."

    "Oh, it was definitely wrong," Daisy agreed, and that confirmation only gave a painful pang to her chest. "But in a way, at the same time... I've never seen something so right."

     El wanted to scream, and it seemed as if the ocean responded to her, the sudden rumbling of harsh waves crashing in the distance. Why for the life of her could she not do what she had to do? Why was she such a ruthless coward? Mom, Dad, she pleaded, tell me, what do I do?

    "Lenny?"

     That voice. It was the voice she dreaded.

     Travis Porter stood behind them, looking like he was ready to attend the festival that was now over, with his khaki pants and floral button-up. Some time ago, El would've brightened at his presence. Now, looking at him, all she felt was numb.

     The voice of her youth, of her first love. And now the voice of her past.

    "Trav," Daisy warned. "Don't — "

    "It's fine, Dais," El said softly, standing up and clearing her throat. "I can handle this." Let me do this for myself. Let me fight my own battles.

     Daisy looked hesitant to leave, eyes flitting over their features. She'd known them for years, but not once did she feel the tension that was between them now. It was almost grim in its silence. But finally the girl let them go.

     Just as El had to let go of Travis.

     Her boyfriend stepped forward, cautiously. El's heart hammered inside her chest — he still looked like the same old Travis, with messy dark hair and golden skin. But long gone was the mischievous smile on his face, and the unconditional care he provided with a single look. Long gone was the boy she fell in love with.

    "I thought you weren't coming," she began quietly.

    "I changed my mind," he responded just as quietly, wary of the tension that was coming off of her.

     She took a deep breath. "Me, too. About a lot of things."

     He tensed. "What are you saying, Len?"

    "Something I've been wanting to say for a while." She forced to look at him, at the boy whom she'd loved for years, at who she'd just betrayed. "What are we doing, Trav? What are we really doing together?"

     He looked at her for a while, then let out a nervous laugh. "Alright, quit playing," he reached out to her. "You've probably had too much to drink — "

    "No!" She couldn't hold back any longer. "We don't talk anymore, it feels like we barely have anything in common, and we only hang when you have a chance to show me off or whichever day that suits you, regardless of what I think."

    "Bullshit," he retorted, "if you were really bothered, you would have said something — "

    "I did! But you shrug me off like always!"

    "And we still hang — "

    "That doesn't include having sex only to leave in the morning, Trav!" she let out. Travis suddenly blinked at her words, at her hurt. "That's — that's not okay!"

    "Well, what else am I suppose to do?" he yelled, the abrupt change in his behaviour making her flinch. "These days you're always working in that deadbeat shack! And I never fucking ask you beforehand because I know you're always going to say you're busy!"

     She stilled. "A deadbeat shack," she repeated. "That's all it is to you, isn't it? You think that's all it is to me?"

    "Gee, I don't know, Len," he spat. "You never say anything."

    "What I say goes through one ear and the other because all you care about is yourself!"

     He pointed a finger at her face. "You don't know what you're talking about. I have college, the championships, my fucking future — this isn't high school anymore!" He pinched his nose, looking at her like she was a child on a tantrum. "I'm growing up. Which is exactly what you need to do!"

    "Does growing up include starting fist fights and getting high?"

     Travis's eyes turned into slits. "Is that what this is about? You want me to stop all that shit? Fine, I'll fucking stop. Just don't do this to us."

    "Do what, exactly? There was already no us to begin with."

    "You're insane," Trav breathed. "You're throwing away three years of us just like that? All those memories, all the things we've shared... tell me you're not that fucking heartless?"

     She closed her eyes, inhaling a breath. Don't give in. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Be strong. This is what you want. Fight him.

    "No," she said quietly. "I'm just saying the fucking truth."

     He blinked. Eleanor didn't curse often.

     And now that they were talking about the truth...

    "I kissed him," she whispered. "I kissed Theo."

     Travis froze, his lips parting a bit. Then a snarl came out of his mouth. "I knew it," he snapped. "That motherfucker. It's because of him, isn't it? You're making excuses because you're breaking up with me for him."

    "No! Are you listening to yourself?! The fact that you can't even see the reason why we're toxic for each other is why we have to end this."

     He raised his hands up, eyes reddened and raw and voice lodged in his throat.

    "Len," he croaked, and it was at this moment the armour around him broke. It was then she realised, deep down, he was just in as much pain as she was. "I'm sorry."

     I'm sorry.

     He'd never said those words before.

     But even though she was dying to hear them from his lips, she didn't feel any lighter. Because during all those times that she apologised, thinking every fight was her fault, she was silently inhaling the poison that was killing her. Slowly and surely. 

    "It's too late," she whispered. "It's too late, Trav."

    "Then what the hell am I suppose to do?"

    "Let me go," she cried, "like I'm trying to let go of you."

     A single tear ran down Travis's cheek, and it only registered to El that she was crying as well. She could taste the saltiness in her mouth, could feel the sudden dampness on her cheeks.

     They'd been together for so long that getting rid of each other was like ripping off a patch of their own skin. Leaving them bruised and bloodied. Her heart was hurting so much.

     But people, as they were different, had their own defensive mechanisms. Some cried; some stayed silent. And so Travis resorted to the one mechanism he only knew how to use.

    "You know what?" He laughed cruelly, wiping the guilty tear off of his cheek. "You're right. We're toxic for each other. You're toxic to me."

     El's heart raced, not prepared for what was about to come.

    "You've always been dependent of me," he stepped forward, looking down at her with anger, betrayal, but most of all — heartbreak. "Everything you have or had before, it's all because of me. Your friends in high school. Your connections here. Why your little shack wasn't torn down, because I was helped convince the locals to keep it. Those were all mine. So without me, what are you?"

     Fresh tears were rolling down her cheeks now.

    "Yes, we're toxic for each other, but at least I got here all on my own. You think you can stand a day without me? I gave you everything, and now you've lost that, too."

    "Go," she cried, the pure hatred in her face so strong. "Just go, Travis."

    "Gladly," he spat. "I'm fucking happy to be rid of you."

     He started to walked away, shaking his head again, trying to escape the emotion out of him. At the last second, he turned around. "And Lenny?" he smiled. "You weren't the first to cheat. Not even close."

     Eleanor slapped him.

     The sound of her hand on his cheek was louder than the waves, louder than the wind raging them, louder than the distant cheers from the festival. Travis flinched, staggering back, but his eyes were clear, like he'd expected it. Like he deserved it.

     Then, without words, he finally walked away.

     She watched his retreating figure until all remained of him was a shadow. Then her whole body gave up, and she dropped to the sand, tear stained cheeks and mouth opened to a silent scream.

     In the background, the Firelight Festival had just finished their last ritual — releasing sky lanterns, all dozens of them. She had the whole night planned; her and the others each purchasing one, making a wish, then setting them free together. Since her parents weren't here to do it with her, she wanted to make a new beginning.

     But now the beginning felt like the end.

     So the girl stayed there, on the sand, sunk to the ground. Stayed there even as the fire lanterns filled the sky like human-made stars.

     His last words stuck to her, engraved in her mind. In a way, he'd been speaking the truth. Travis was a safety net. His friends was. All of it was. And as much as she hated to admit it, Anchor's was a safety net, too. So that she wouldn't drown. But now she was here, in the waters.

     And she needed to learn how to swim.

A/N:

"Stay" by Post Malone is the anthem of El/Travis.