The next morning Louis woke up with a sore throat and tear strains on his face. He had horrible nightmares mixed with sad memories of his mother the whole night. With his tiny fists he wiped over his his eyes, wrinkled his nose and tried to sat up but couldn't move. Zayn had an arm trapped around Louis' stomach and Niall was pressed against his back. Seeing their weird position Louis had to smile to himself. 

"Lazy asses wake up" shook Louis them awake. 

"Did I miss school? Please say yes?" was the first thing Niall said before he even opened his eyes. 

"Nope, you're perfectly in time" chuckled Louis amused. 

"I wish I could just stay in bed with you but I have a fucking extra football practise today" groaned Niall and buried his face into the pillow. 

"It's okay. Zayn is here, well not really here, but you know" grinned Louis at the still sleeping Zayn. 

"So you're staying home today?" checked Niall as he stood up to search for his clothes. 

"I'm not feeling like seeing anyone today" fell Louis back on the bed. 

"Maybe it's for the best. I'll check on you when school is over" told Niall him, putting on his pants. 

"I'm not sick, Nialler. I can breath on my own" joked Louis sarcastically. 

"Well, I better hurry if I want to sprint home and then to school in time. See you later and don't die without me". 

"Would be boring without you" called Louis after Niall, suprised that Zayn didn't wake up by the loud noises. 

For an hour Louis just curled back into Zayn's arms and slept again. At some point Maria came in with the breakfast and Zayn actually woke up so they could both eat. None of them mentioned what had happened yesterday but it hang in the air like a knife. The rest of the morning was spend with watching TV and commenting on the weird people on it. After half an eternity they went showering after each other and got dressed in some comfy clothes. They didn't feel the need to do anything today. 

Around what would have been Lunch Time in school Louis took a nap and Zayn went grocery shopping with Maria to help her and get some fresh air. This time Louis had a dreamless sleep and woke up with a sigh. What was he supposed to do now?

Suddenly his door bell rang. Confused Louis looked down at himself, seeing he was wearing nothing than his sweat pants. He still decided to open the door. He shouldn't have done it. 

When he opened the door he froze in pure shock. "What are you doing here?". 

"Well, we didn't get much work done yesterday so I thought I quickly show you what I've worked on because it's your song in the end" answered Harry casually and just walked past Louis into the house. 

Puzzled Louis looked after him and closed the door. He followed Harry and found himself in the kitchen. He watched Harry looking around the house and really didn't like this one bit. 

"Nice house. Never thought you would be such a rich brat" said Harry coldly. 

"Didn't you want to show me your work?" came Louis back to the point, feeling uncomfortable without a shirt. 

"Pretty impatient, huh?" turned Harry around to him, trying to keep his eyes away from Louis' chest. 

"So your work" was Louis not having any of it. 

"Fine. Where to?" groaned Harry. 

Without another comment Louis left the kitchen and walked upstairs. He felt Harry following him and had an uneasy feeling about all this. Hopefully Zayn and Maria would be back soon. 

They sat down at Louis' desk and Harry gaped at Louis' room unashamed. Yes, he had a lot of things but it didn't mean anything to him. Other people would probably never understand though. 

"Can you for a second stop staring at my room like it were some kind of dessert and show me that freaking work of yours" snapped Louis his finger in front of Harry's face. 

"Gosh, don't be so annoying" rolled Harry his eyes but took his phone out. 

Pretentious Harry showed him what he had worked on but Louis didn't get any of it. He could only focus on the fact that Harry was actually in his room right now, acting as if nothing ever happened. Louis really tried to fight it but he heard every single word Harry had said in his head. Not only the words from yesterday, also from every other day. Worthless, useless, ugly, fat, nerd, bastard, unlovable, insignificant, fag, thief, poor, brat, Jerk. It all crashed down on him and he couldn't handle it at all.  

"It's pretty damn cool" heard Louis Harry say but had no idea what he was talking about. 

"I can't do this" mumbled Louis more to himself and stood up from his chair. 

"What do you mean?" stood Harry up too. 

"I can't act like I want you here, Harry. I can't act like everything is good. Can you just fucking leave?" hold Louis back his tears. 

"When I leave, who will do the work here, huh? Does our little nerd really prefer failing instead of being a man once? I don't think so, freak" stepped Harry closer to him. 

"I don't fucking care, I never did" exclaimed Louis annoyed. 

"Pfft, as if. You're such a teacher's pet. You would never fail voluntarily" snorted Harry surely. 

"You know nothing about me, Harry Styles. You have no fucking clue what I would do and what not. So can you just freaking leave?" wanted Louis to leave the room but Harry grabbed his wrist and pulled him back around to face Harry against his will. Louis flinched at that rough touch. 

"I know a lot about you, Louis Tomlinson. You run away when it didn't go like you planned. You act all cool and tough but you're just a weak crybaby that hides in bathrooms when someone makes a harmless joke. You play the Sassmaster but you're nothing more than pitifully pathetic, you spoiled brat" countered Harry darkly and tightened his grip on Louis' arm. 

"Well, at least I'm not a laughable wannabe womanizer without a heart" was all Louis was able to say. He wanted to run away so badly. 

"That's it? No big fat Tommo Comeback for me today? I'm disappointed, Louis. Well, even the new Hipster clothes and the tattoo can't make you cool. You'll always be a fat ugly twink" traced Harry Louis' tattoo with his finger. Harry's touch was something Louis was afraid of even now or especially now. 

"Fuck you, Harry" glared Louis at him. 

"Don't you dare talk to me like that, Lewis" growled Harry angrily at him, pulling him even closer. 

"I say whatever I want" shot Louis back, looking directly into his eyes. 

Being so close to Harry caused a lot of mixed emotions inside of Louis. Harry's eyes were normally so beautiful but right now they were just freaking scary. How could Louis possibly have feelings for Harry? Why him? Why someone who hated him with all his heart? Couldn't it....

Suddenly Louis was torn out of his thoughts by a pair of lips on his own. His eyes widdened in shock as he realised it was Harry who crashed his lips on his own. Louis was frozen in shock. Of course he liked Harry in some way but this was just wrong. It didn't even feel good. Yes, a tingling was felt somewhere but mostly Louis felt fear and wanted to cry. This kiss was just rough and brutal and nothing Louis wanted right now. He didn't knew what to do. 

Turned out he didn't had to do something. After just a few seconds Harry broke away from the kiss and slapped Louis in the face with his flat hand. "Never fucking kiss me again, you freak" hissed Harry and pushed Louis hard, causing him to stumble over his feet and fall to the floor. 

Louis tried to stand up but Harry pushed him down again and hit his face. Then he punched him in the stomach and kicked him over and over again until Louis curled himself together on the floor like a ball, tears streaming down his face. He felt blood dripping from his forehead and just knew he had new bruises on his stomach now. He didn't dare to move because he was so scared. Harry had invaded his only safe place now. He had destroyed the safety he had in between these four walls. Now he had nothing left. 

"Don't you dare come close to me again, you fucking wimp" spat Harry disgusted. 

Louis heard Harry's footsteps fade away and waited until he heard the front door slam close donwstairs. In pure pain Louis crawled into the bathroom, leaving the door open, and searched for his pain relief. With some crashing sounds he found the razor blade and kneeled on the cold floor. This was all he needed now. Pain he could control and punishment for his weakness. 

Not very carefully and with tearfilled eyes Louis slid the blade over his wrist, feeling the burning pain immediatley shot through his body. His vision was fogged with tears and his hands were shaking more than ever but he didn't stop. He watched the blood drip down from the scars and felt reliefed. He did the same with his other wrist getting lost in his thoughts. 

He hated himself right now and needed to punish himself for being such a failure. He deserved the pain for letting Harry in, for letting Harry get to him, for letting Harry treat him like that and beat him up again. He also deserved it for being such a huge disappointment. Everything Harry had thrown at his face was true and Louis hated Harry for showing him everyday how worthless he really was. His mother would be so disappointed in him and would disown him for being the pathetic freak he was.

With that thought Louis cut himself more and more and created a lot of new scars and reopened old ones. He lost control over his emotions and actions because he just wanted to feel something different. He wanted everything to stop right now for a short moment. He was full on sobbing and accidently cut too deep. He let out a choked scream of pain and dropped the metal to the floor. 

Louis saw a lot of blood streaming down his wrist but he didn't do anything. He couldn't. his hands were getting cold and he didn't feel anything any more. His head was spinning a bit and he lay down on the floor, looking at the ceiling with fogged eyes and tears on his cheeks. He never wanted to kill himself. His sisters needed him but right now he felt at peace. He was getting exhausted and very tired. Sleepily he closed his eyes and the last thought he had was that he would maybe see his Mom again soon. 

.

.

"Louis?". 

.

.

"LOUIS!".

"Louis, C'mon. Stay with me".

.

.

"Louis".

.

.

---

The beeping sound of a monitor was the first thing Louis heard when he came back to his senses. He blinked a few times until he had a clear sight again and immediatley noticed some hoses and cabels he was connected through. Looking up a the ceiling he recognized it and knew he was in the hospital. How did he get here and what had happened?

As he tried to sit up pain shot through his lower body and he let out a pained hiss. That caused a head near his bed to shoot up in suprise and pure relief. 

"Oh God Louis, you're awake" breathed Zayn out in relief. 

"Looks like it" answered Louis cheekily, not recognising his voice. 

"How are you feeling? Urgh, stupid question. Of course you're not feeling good. Do you need anything?" Zayn didn knew what to say. 

"I'm good, but Zayn, how did I get here? What happened?" Louis wanted to know. 

"You were lying unconscious on the bathroom floor with blood everywhere. An ambulance brought you here in time. I was so scared I would loose you, Louis. I thought you were dead" choked Zayn on a little sob. 

"But I'm not. I'm here". 

"But just like that. Louis, why don't you wanna live any more?" asked Zayn with tears in his eyes.

"What are you talking about?" frowned Louis confused. 

"You um you cut too deep and almost drained yourself. They said you tried to kill yourself" gulped Zayn. 

This was what brought the memories of what happened back in Louis' mind. How Harry had showed up, how he couldn't handle Harry being there, how they had fought. He saw and felt again how Harry had kissed him so brutally and then beat him up like he was a disease. How he cut himself while crying his heart out and cut to deep by accident. He didn't try to kill himself. 

"I - I didn't try to kill myself" stuttered Louis out. 

"But your wrists and all the blood and...". 

"It was an accident. I would never do this to my sisters. I lost control and couldn't see through my tears. It wasn't on purpose" cut Louis him off. 

"Your tears? Louis what happened while I was gone?" Zayn wanted to know and Louis saw that he was blaming himself in his eyes. 

"Shortly after I woke up from my nap it rang downstairs. I decided to open the door, shirtless I may add here, and froze when I saw Harry standing there. He said... um he wanted to show me his work or something and just walked in and we ended up in my room, him showing me whatever but I didn't listen to him" started Louis to tell Zayn what had happened. 

"Wait... Harry was there? He ditched school just to randomly show up at your house for what? What did he do, Louis?" feared Zayn that he knew where this was going due to Louis' new black eye and cuts on his face and bruises on his stomach. 

"Um... like I said he showed me something but I couldn't focus on that. He acted as if nothing ever happened and I couldn't handle that. I asked him to leave but he didn't listen to me. We started to fight, or more like Harry insulting me and I trying to not break down. And um.... he um...." trailed Louis off, not wanting to think about it. 

"He what? Louis, please tell me" begged Zayn. 

"He kissed me" mumbled Louis barely audible under his breath. 

"He what?" exclaimed Zayn shocked. 

"He kissed me. I was so shocked and frozen in place. It wasn't very gentle, more like totally brutal and desperate. I didn't kiss him back. When he stopped he slapped me in the face. He pushed me to the floor and told me to never kiss him again. He um... beat me up again until I was crying on my floor and then he left. I um .. I felt so stupid for even opening the door and letting it happen. Holding back my tears I made my way in the bathroom and let everything out. I felt useless and dumb and totally worthless and that I deserved the pain for everthing but I never planned on crossing the line. I didn't wanted to end my life even if it would be easier for everyone. I'm selfish but I don't want to die. Sorry" finished Louis his story, tears pooling in his eyes. 

 "What do you mean easier for everyone? Louis, we want you in our life. The world needs you" took Zayn Louis' hand. 

"Your lives would be so much easier without me in it. You wouldn't have to worry all the time and endure me but I'm selfish and don't want to die so I'm putting you through all of this. I'm sorry" averted Louis his gaze on his other hand. 

"Louis, look at me" said Zayn softly. Louis slowly met his eyes. "Our lives would be nothing without you in it. We need and want you in it. You're very lovely and my best friend. You're not selfish for wanting to live, Louis. We want to look after you because this is what friends do". 

"Really?" asked Louis with hopefull eyes. 

"Really. I really care about you and should have been there. If I would have been there none of this would have happened. It's my fault, Louis. I'm sorry" blamed Zayn himself. 

"It's not your fault. I'm the only one at fault here. I should've been more carefull and stronger. If I would be stronger Harry could never get to me like this and make me do this" denied Louis every possibility for Zayn to blame himself. 

"It's also not your fault. You're not weak, Louis. You're very strong but also a strong person breaks down sometimes. I really should have been there" sighed Zayn, still guilty.

"Stop blaming yourself, Z. You found me and called the ambulance. You saved me so stop it, Zayn" smiled Louis at him. 

"I didn't" told Zayn him seriously.

"What?". 

"The ambulance was already there and you were in the car when Maria and I came back" revealed Zayn to him honestly. 

"But when it wasn't you who called them, who found me?" tried Louis to understand. 

"I don't know, Louis. Nobody was there" was Zayn clueless. 

The door opened and a friendly looking doctor came in and smiled at Louis as he saw that he was awake. "Hello Louis, nice to see you again. Well, maybe not like that but still". 

"Hello Dr. Rosetree, it's been a while" smiled Louis back at him. Luck was on his side. It was the doctor he knew all his life and would believe him without asking too many questions. 

"Can I talk to you alone for a second?" asked Dr. Rosetree. 

"Sure thing. Niall is outside waiting for news anyway. I'll tell him what happened so he stops worrying" stood Zayn up and left the room.

"So Louis, do you want to talk about anything? Maybe why you did that?" sat Dr. Rosetree down next to the bed. 

"Please don't tell me you're thinking I wanted to kill myself, too? I didn't. I would never put my sisters through even more pain by doing this. I'm good, well better. Zayn helps me through it. He went through the same and stops me from doing it. Since I know him I only did it once.... Well twice now" clarified Louis. 

"Then what happened?" Dr. Rosetree wanted to know. 

"There was an inciedent with someone who hates me for whatever reason. He is one of the reasons I started besides .... you know. I felt worthless and had a relapse. I hate myself for it so much" answered Louis truthfully. 

"There is no reason for hating yourself. Relapses are normal. Zayn probably told you that, too". Louis nodded at him. 

"That person who hates you, was he or she the one who made you look like that?" questioned Dr. Rosetree, talking about his wounds from the beating. 

"Yes, he was. That's why I relapsed. In school it's worse enough but he invaded my home, my only safe place and destroyed my peace. I felt like I have lost everything in that moment. No safety left for me but I know now that's not true. I have Zayn and Niall and Liam. They are my safe place now" admitted Louis. 

"That's good. I can see that you're not lying to me. I know you way too good for that" winked the doctor at him. "I will make sure that you will be released soon without further questions. But we see each other again". 

"Of course. Thank you, Matt" thanked Louis him gratefully. 

"Not for that. I'll write you something for school. Stay home for the rest of the week to recover from everything. You need anything else? For sports maybe?" checked Dr. Rosetree. 

Louis thought about it for a second but then made a final decision. "No, I'm good. Thanks". 

--------------------------------A/N---------------------------------------------

Well, this and the last chapter were the scenes I wanted to write I talked about. I'm asking myself why I always look forward to writing the bad and sad stuff but while writig I want to cry. Well, it's done now. 

Question of the Chapter: Why did Harry do that? 

Did you guys see that Louis' manager follows Harry's manager now? I mean, what the fuck? What's happening?

My lovely girl Quitegoodatwoodtech... I really want to dedicate this chapter to you but I also don't want to because it's so heavy and not a nice one. I just want to dedicate the whole story to you, I could do this. Just know that you are a beautiful person. You are amazing love <3 :*