It has been 4 years, huh?

damn-

I miss you.

December 25th, that is. The day no one can ever forget. But the thought of it brings me back to 2016. We were playing by the river as always. When the water was freezing, you and I love to feed the ducks. Why that time? We have a whole year to feed the ducks, why that time? We spent the noon making snowballs and skipping rocks; it was very cold, but with you, I could barely bother.

It was a very cold December; I could remember each and every second of it.

When the sun is getting down, a relaxing orange beam reflects beautifully through the snow. By that time, we knew it's time to go home. You opened the door to reveal the smell of bake goods and gravy. Cinnamon rolls and my favorite chocolate chip cookie. We all had dinner and talk over the fire. I talked about the cat by the red street, you talked about him; about the fight that occurs before winter break.

Do you remember the blank canvas you gave me? You told me to paint what I want for next year. I talked about wanting to have a puppy and you were very happy about it. A little beagle named Chloe. I'm sorry about the jeans, I didn't know it wouldn't fit. I'll try again next year.

Sweet memories-

But I didn't have enough time until the next year. You went for a hug and there you are, holding me tight like everything will never end. I felt your arms running through my back, as I was confused.

You fell to the ground; shaking unconsciously. I thought you were playing a prank, but you weren't.

I remembered a little bit about a white car on the highway, flickering lights, terrorizing sirens, and goosebumps. The memory jumped into a bright white room full of screams and cries, smell of medicine, and cold seat. I can hear a vague sound of rolling wheels as I was losing breath and energy. We all hope you'll be fine. We all hope you're alive.

I waited

I waited patiently.

I have never been more patient in my life before. The ticking clock above the door indicates 9 pm sharp. My palm was clammy, I zoned out, my ears were buzzing. My whole body started to tightens as he walked out the door.

You left me. I was not okay about it.

I ran out from the hospital without my coat. I look over the bridge and start screaming. I can feel the crisp-biting air consuming my body. But I could care less. There I was, knees on the ground, grabbing the snow from below me. The knots around my heart are cutting deeper. You left me.

Your blood hasn't even touched alcohol yet and you haven't even learned to drive. You haven't tried to differ ginger and turmeric; you haven't finished the song you wrote. How did I sleep that night knowing you missed your flight?

I miss you. I miss you so much.

If there's a way to not associate December 25th with you, I won't take it. I refuse to forget all the memories we made over the years of being together as a family. The way you taught me how to find myself, how to keep my composure, how to be brave and independent. You made me the women I am now.

But I'm scared-

What if one day I grew up and forget all the details? About your sparkling eyes and your smile; your warm hugs and lullabies. What if one day I choose to care over another stupid goodbye instead of remembering what you taught me?

It was a very cold December; I wish I could remember each and every second of it.

The canvas. I painted stars on them. I want you to be happy among the stars for every Christmas.

-GSA '20