There's one thing a lot of people don't like to admit. They say things are fine and they aren't.

Lots of people have something going on in their heads that cripple them mentally. I've seen depression first handed from so many people. I had to grow up watching my mom recover from eating disorders and sucide attempts. I'm watching my beloved sister grow up in isolation and depression because she just can't get the energy. So many other people I know are falling to this poison.

Me, personally?

I wouldn't say I'm depressed, if we both agree that a key factor of depression is a lack of energy to do most anything. I would say I am close to it, and there's a lot of things that could trigger it and start a downward spiral for me.

I deal with a lot of self-worth issues, specifically, the lack of.

It's getting bad.

Everything I do is trash. I screwed up once? Haunts me for the rest of the day. I can't even be around my friends without thinking that it's all just pity.

I always feel worthless. Somedays more intensely than others.

What makes me good? Why am I good enough of a person that someone as good as them wants to hang out with me?

It's getting very bad. Whenever I'm around my friends, I can't help but wonder if they're all pity friends. I wonder what I'm doing that holds them back from being amazing people.

Since March at least, I can only remember one time I've felt genuine happiness while with my boyfriend. And it's not him.

Every other time, all I can think of is doubt in myself, the things I've messed up on, the stupid things I've done, and how miserable I must be to deserve the kind of pity he decided to have on me to start dating someone like me.

One screw up defines the world at that moment as a failure, and just as I get over it, another one happens.

It's hard, but I know it's a toxic state of mind. It takes forever to break the toxicity, which is what hurts the most. I think I'm doing okay, then I do one little blunder and it's back to utter garbage.

And why tell anyone? It's not like I want them wasting their time on helping someone who doesn't deserve their help when there are so many more deserving out there than I.

I'm trying to fix it though. Acknowledging the problem is the first step to a solution, right?

It's good to focus on the positive.

Every day, I'm gonna try and think of one good thing, either about my personality in general or something okay that happened.

If you struggle with bad thoughts too, I'm opening the idea up to you. I'm posting a book that will have my positive thing od the day, and comment along if you want. Positivity is good in any way, shape, or form.

Let's try to get everyone thinking more happy.