september 9th, 2019

i found out you were dead today.
3:19pm✓

well, you've been dead
3:20pm✓

for a long time.
3:20pm✓

actually, your date of death is almost exactly two years ago today
3:22pm✓

before you even "moved out"
3:23pm✓

doctor says i couldn't accept the fact that you were gone, couldn't believe your death in any way. so i acted like you weren't gone.
3:24pm✓

yeah. even when you're literally dead, i still need you. i hung onto the idea of your mere existence because i couldn't just accept your death. my brain quite literally erased any hints or memories of me ever finding out or believing you were gone
3:28pm✓

when everyone realized how bad it was, no one dared wake me up from my nonsense. everyone just acted weird when i talked about you. mum cried, like a lot. your dad, too.
3:31pm✓

even when people tried to tell me, like your mum or dolly, that you're "gone" the idea of death never occurred to me. which is crazy to me, fascinating even.
3:32pm✓

it makes sense, i guess.
3:33pm✓

how you disappeared
3:33pm✓

and i hated myself thinking i was the one who made you leave.
3:34pm✓

everyone says you killed yourself
3:36pm✓

i don't believe that.
3:36pm✓

i can now imagine you snorting at that.
3:37pm✓

the arabella i knew (at least before the summer i was gone for) loved life
3:38pm✓

lived it to the fullest no matter what
3:38pm✓

who are they kidding abs?
3:38pm✓

you made ME fall in love with life when it was so much shit with my parents.
3:39pm✓

they're all fools, they've probably all killed you.
3:40pm✓

if you were here, you'd suggest we'd play detectives to figure out who the murderer is
3:44pm✓

and if i ever run into your ghost, i would totally suggest it.
3:45pm✓