* who am I - Besomorph *

                           * 10 years ago*

It's never easy to walk away from something that deeply haunts you, a nightmare that you can't seem to break free from. Each step and action you take makes you realize how terrifying everything is, how vulnerable you are, and how far-fetched your dream to survive in this world is! I believed that my innocence can fight through anything and I couldn't be more wrong. It's never about the sins, it's about how much evil you can take to get the courage to face everything head-on; one I lacked. Surprisingly, the world was in no absence of monsters and evil, and I dare say that I learnt it in the most inhumane way.

The sound of crawling rain outside drummed in my ears. I blinked my taking in my surroundings, I mentally counted trying to keep myself distracted. I've been at this for at least an hour.

Unfortunately, sleep never came to me, it's always my mom who comes to me either to sing a song or tell a story to put me to sleep. And those nights she doesn't put me to sleep, I stay wide awake, longing for her touch, her words and for her forehead kiss which always drapes my heart in a warm hug. Tonight was such a night, she didn't come to my room leaving me all sweaty and scared.

My mom always says that there is no monsters in my world, only fairies, and unicorns. But something deep inside me said that monsters- they too exist in my world. Every time my mom is with me, I feel like she is fighting against those monsters to protect me, that she made sure that her words did justice to me.

Everything felt so deafening; the quiet assured everywhere seemed strangely disturbing. The muffle noises I heard from a distance made me jump out of bed. I wondered whose it can be? I gulped as a quick thought of it could be the ghost from the movie I saw with my family before passed in my mind.

I'm mommy's big strong girl, I reminded myself.

But someone who has a keen sense of hearing makes things a lot worse. The cries were becoming more and more clear as I move forward to the door of my room. Each breathe I took felt heavy against my lungs.

The noise of my feet against cold marble tiles pulsed through my skin. Maybe coming out of my room, was a bad idea. My vision was not so clear as everything was so murky. With shaky steps, I made my way to the door where I guess the screams are from. I expect the door to be locked, but nothing works the way we expect it to. The small gap visible told me that it is unlocked. Every nerve cell in my body blared the red siren of danger in my head, screaming at me to turn around and hide under my blanket in my room but my curiosity got the best of me. I got into a comfortable position and peeked through the gap.

My skin paled in terror and tears threatened to escape my eyelids, my throat dried and my lips trembled as I took in the scene imprinting itself to my pupils and my heart simultaneously. It was the day my nightmare had begun where I found myself trapped in this hellish loop of memories. Everything I saw was etched to my soul, with each step I took, it stabbed my mind like a sword as if it was punishing me for not staying in the dark. A torturing sensation ate me alive, I hadn't known then it's called pain.

I ran as fast as possible with my tiny legs, I was physically and mentally stronger than normal kids my age. But still, how can we expect a seven-year-old child to free herself from the shackles of the darker side of humanity she witnessed? It was meant to remain unknown but life had other plans for her. I don't know what kept me sane because deep down I knew, and I waited until the day when my nightmare became my reality. I know that day would surely come sooner or later.

From that night onwards I watched out for the monsters slithering around, under my bed and behind my windows but still tried to convince me that it was dark, my gaze was not clear, and it was all a lie but to no avail.

Amongst the chaos of my mind, what I overlooked was to watch out for the monster that was born in me.

I became a monster, I didn't want to be.