hi all! how have you been?

i've finished judging for round 2. you passed if you got a ✅️. only three passed, of which i'll pick a winner.

i know this took long. i miscalculated the time needed to write notes for everyone and also live my busy life 😅

in this round, i want everyone to realise the importance of the first 3 chapters. they cannot be just any writing. they must be captivating, well-written, and proofread. of course, the rest of the story must be good too, but these are especially important. the reader will not tolerate mistakes in those areas, as in the rest of the story. if they don't excite them, they will have no reason to read on.

it was a little disheartening that some participants from the previous round didn't even comment their acknowledgement or vote on their review. so, please, leave at least one comment to acknowledge the results.

THE BOOKS ARE NOT ORDERED IN ANY WAY.

DISCLAIMER: in no way i'm trying to be rude or belittle any work. i'm simply giving my personal opinion besides pointing out some glaring mistakes that everyone can agree on (like grammar). in no way is this meant to disparage the quality of your work. i hope this will be rather helpful than frustrating.

you're not forced to listen to me as well! do what works for you.

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Damsel In Business by BluNoor ✅️

character (10/10): i love the characterisation in this story. you dropped some in every dialogue or action the character does, so we understand what kind of person they are through their behaviour.

eleanora reached a concerning limit of nonchalance with her dad. she is tired and waiting for the right chance to rebel, which makes the entrance of the mysterious "boy" perfect and on point. still, she is scared of her father at times, which creates the perfect balance between them and answers why she would stay with him.

andrei is smart. but as usual, a horny guy. i love how composed and put together he is, tho. he knew how to press eleanora's buttons, and i loved that.

i also love that she understands what's at stake when dealing with her father. she's not dumb to put herself through trouble. she knows the boundaries.

great job creating those characters!

plot (10/10): the plot sounded promising from the blurb.

the first chapter was a success. it introduced me to what matters, exactly on point, with very interesting details. it also ended with a hook, which is fantastic.

chapter 2 was their first conversation, and i loved every detail of it because they helped me imagine the scene so well and understand the characters' mannerisms.

chapter 3 added more to the tension between the leading characters as they kept pressing each other's buttons. you have sth interesting happening every chapter, which is very important, especially at the beginning of the story. i was interested to keep reading the whole time; no dull moment with every chapter ending with a cliffhanger.

writing style (28/30):

right off the bat, the descriptions at the beginning are so well-written and engaging. although it wasn't a special scene, just a girl preparing herself, you used it to deliver the emotions so well. just make sure not to over-describe as i felt the preparation scene stretched a little. later on, i noticed you over-describe sometimes, but no biggie.

i loved how effective the 1st person pov was at expressing eleanora. it captured her struggles, likes and dislikes, so so efficiently.

you had some run-on sentences, which made me reread sometimes to understand what you meant. avoid those-- stretching on and on with commas. cut the sentence when it takes more than two lines on a phone screen. you can explore more sentence structures to solve this.

otherwise, good job!

grammar (8/10):

- errors in dialogue grammar.

- missing commas.

final score (56/60)

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Her Purpose by sulkytae ✅️

character (9/10):

elizabeth seems to be the calm type in general. she took in the news so well.

plot (8/10):

you're discussing a very sensitive matter in your story, which i applaud your courage for. the matter is tackled very well, in my opinion. first is the silent shook, time to take it in, and finally great sadness.

i enjoyed the order of events, the pace, and how smoothly the story flowed.

writing style (30/30):

honestly, i'm in love. it was such an enjoyable, easy read. although i'm not into sad stories, i enjoyed your flawless writing. i also appreciate the effort put into sticking to one tense, the present.

i love how well you set the time and place and express them. then, you link the emotions of the characters with what they see. it's realistic, just like us in real life and our train of thought when we see sth. it usually triggers a memory.

i have a small note that is my personal opinion. i think the first chapter is better off as a prologue. we already know she has cancer from the blurb, so it doesn't provide sth new. it can serve as a background story of how they discovered it in the prologue, then start the story from a point when the family already knows.

grammar (10/10):

i have caught no errors.

final score (57/60)

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Sperm: on demand by ihskasii_u  

character (6/10):

because of the story's pov, there was not much personification in the narration.

the parts i read showed me that tae liked to read and worked in a coffeehouse, and erin was a writer and chemistry prof. altho she didn't seem nice at first, she got better. i also noticed you copied some of taehyung's real persona into his character in the fanfiction. overall, i didn't reach a point of finding sth special about any character.

plot (6/10):

as the first impression intrigued me to read, i already knew the plot would be a ride.

starting the story in a bookshop and meeting a writer made me wonder how that relates to sperm demand. the chapter also ends with a good hook/cliffhanger.

although they meet again in the second chapter; it isn't very exciting as nth special happened. you don't give us insight into what they talked about. and i still don't understand where the sperm demand part comes, which kinda kills the thrill for me.

writing style (18/30):

you used an all-knowing narrator who narrated the story as an outsider. this isn't the usual, so it was an intriguing detail. however, it might not allow much personification or emotions in the prose.

the beginning of the story is kind of regular. although the writing style is close to clean, it is cliché. it does not have a unique voice, but rather very repetitive descriptions that many writers use. this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but something i noticed.

you used romanised korean, which isn't ideal. you're writing an english story. why use hangul?

the descriptions get better and more unique in the second chapter. i liked the ribbon simile.

however, i don't think erin's monologue fits with the pov type. because how'd the narrator know what she thinks? i'm not experienced with this, so you can dig deeper for a better understanding.

lastly, some paragraphing seemed off. a quick revision might show you what i mean.

grammar (7/10):

- numbers of 2 digits or less should be written out in words.

- spelling errors.

- i feel the book could use a round of proofreading, especially by someone else other than the writer. some sentences weren't very clear, and there were some ambiguous subjects/objects.

final score (37/60)

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Hard To Love by Tricky_minds

character (5/10):

amelia has not moved on from ethan yet, and that's very evident. i really wanted to know why from her pov. what's so special about him? i know love is blind, but as she moved on to another happy relationship (which is a bad decision since she hasn't moved on), what makes her still remember ethan? did he do sth so special she couldn't forget, help her, or was she so into sth in his personality? was it the sex that excited her like no other, or what?

ethan has a huge ego and audacity! my god, this man. who does he think he is to touch someone without consent and force himself on her? i disliked that, but i hope he gets some character development. i read the first three chapters and couldn't see why she liked him so much, but i'm guessing that will be explained later. for me, i think it was the good sex. that's what their conversations conveyed, too.

on a side note, despite her many attempts at intimacy with alex, i really couldn't feel their chemistry. maybe it's about time she realises she shouldn't have gotten in a new relationship. alex doesn't seem to notice much between here and ethan.

plot (6/10): i mentioned before, the plot is not the most original one, but that's not an issue.

i desperately look for the hook in the very first chapter i read; sth that would make me want to flip to the next page. this can be anything from a sudden event that happens in the chapter or a cliffhanger in the end. however, the chapter ended in a typical love scene, leaving me unsure about what was going to happen next, except that they would be looking for a place to stay.

the beginning of the second chapter has a nice hook about the mysterious boss. actually, if you attached that to the end of the first chapter, i think it'd be intriguing for readers to know who's that. the chapter ends nicely, too! i'm glad you didn't stretch it and got to the plot already.

the third chapter was kinda surprising. he really did follow her and thought it was okay to... hope he faces the consequences!

writing style (18/30): for me, a key tip to keeping the reader engaged and not bored is to enter the scene late and leave early. when i first began reading chapter one, the whole first half served one, long purpose: she's anxious about coming to the same place where she met ethan. love acts sprinkled here and there. i got that from the first attempt.

i think you can do more with your descriptions. as i told you before, your paragraphs are short, i think lengthening them with engaging descriptions is a nice adjustment for the flow. you can also attach the dialogue beats to dialogues; there's no need to separate them if they're about the same person. this, of course, is not an easy thing for any writer. takes practice, time, and a lot of reading and learning. here's what i know:

- try incorporating the five senses. what the characters see, taste, touch, hear, and smell. you already do that sometimes.

- pause on the key scenes and put yourself in the character's shoes. how would you feel? express it the best you can.

- try the literary devices. look them up for more information.

grammar (7/10): i left some comments about grammar here and there.

- compound sentences.

- writing out digits.

- dialogue grammar.

final score (36/60)

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Unrequited Beginnings by Lanadelreygirlie

character (5/10):

the characters felt too young to tell the story. rohan also wasn't nice to her sometimes for no obvious reason. no matter his personal problems (which i don't understand what they could be for a 3rd grader), the girl has nth to do with it for him to pour his unkindness on her. usually, kids are more carefree and nice to their friends.

maya was kind and all, but like i said, their age stayed in my head all along reading. it just didn't fit. but her awkwardness and uneasiness are justifiable.

plot (3/10):

the plot sounds ordinary. the tales of a schoolgirl and her crush.

the pace was unclear. like, when did he become her friend, when did her start to dislike her and why, how much time things took... etc. there was no clear timeline to when things happened, especially since they didn't grow grades, and that threw me off guard.

writing style (18/30):

it was quite surprising to realise the story is told from the pov of a third grader. too young to tell a story with sophisticated descriptions, i think. still tho, i liked your descriptions and flow of words; they felt too good to be told by a kid. besides, the descriptions made her feelings sound more complicated than a simple childhood crush.

reading the prologue and thinking rohan is a bully, then in the first chapter reading he became her friend without any details on when and how,  is a big jump. it'd be more confusing for someone who didn't read the prologue, too, which should be skippable. in your case, the prologue is almost unskippable.

the beginning of chapter one felt more telling than showing. try to introduce the important scenes and ideas in more impactful ways. the way he became her friend deserves much more screen time, especially since the reader needs to understand why he unfriended her later.

again, the sophistication of the prose and dialogue felt unfitting for 3rd graders. idk if it's just me or third graders really aren't like this. they don't think about love; they just want to play and have fun. they bully each other sometimes, yeah. maybe increase their ages to 7th grade or such? i also don't understand rohan's cold attitude to her, although you mentioned they became friends.

the chapters mostly end with no hook or cliffhanger.

grammar (9/10):

- write out numbers of 2 digits and less in words.

final score (35/60)

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Unfolding Affection by citnamoR_sselepoH

story not found.

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Dude, I Kissed Your Mom! by quyvozi ✅️

character (10/10):

maxwell is the mc, and you're writing from his pov. i'm not sure if you're a guy, too, but i have never read a story from a guy's pov on wattpad, so that was interesting. not only it's a male pov, but he's also not the good one as usual stories.

he is unabashed, and like he says, what's in his mind is on his tongue. he's rude, too, which i hope gets some character development.

his teacher is giving mixed signals tbh. very interesting. i got yet to know if she's enjoying the push and pull with him, or she's just trying to be nice.

his other friends each got a story too. excited to know how every story is linked to the other.

plot (9/10):

the plot is interesting right from the blurb. i was reading with big anticipation for the huge moment when he kisses his friend's mum. however, there's one catch.

is maxwell legal for this relationship (and the upcoming events)? i didn't find his age as far as i read. i hope he's in the proper age for this.

every chapter was packed with events that build the story and make me anticipate. there wasn't any dull moment.

writing style (28/30):

your writing is funny to read. i genuinely enjoyed it. your descriptions captured the humour in every scene, which also gave the mc a distinguishable voice.

grammar (6/10):

- punctuation errors. punctuation marks stick to the last letter before them, then there's one space.

- missing commas, causing long run-on sentences.

final score (53/60)

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Beyond The Fallen by Badguytd

character (9/10):

i liked your characters as each was distinguishable in a way.

i appreciated the subtle characterisation in details like what season they liked. 

i was not able to capture any development in the 3 chapters i read.

plot (8/10):

altho the beginning of chapter 1 is a bit confusing as in every new story, it actually ends quite well with the ML and his sister leaving. there's still a lot i'm wondering about tho, but i think setting the pace was good. i was also interested to know what is the capital like, and why is kuro leaving after the revolt just like that.

while chapter 2 was a little uninteresting (for me) as they cut their way to the capital and unpack, it ends quite interestingly.

chapter 3 has a lot to unpack too. i liked the descriptions and where the sptry was going, but ofc, a lot of confusion of what was going on.

writing style (20/30):

although your writing and descriptions are beautiful, sadly, there are many mistakes that cut the flow. the book desperately needs proofreading.

for me, who's not so experienced in 3rd person pov, i felt your usage of an all-knowing narrator was good. the transitions were smooth, but beware that most feelings would be left for the reader to figure out as the all-knowing narrator can't explain them much.

read through chapter two with nothing exciting happening. she's setting up a tent. he's looking for wood. okay, what else? the chapter ends in a cliffhanger, great, but i don't understand what happened. was it a nightmare or real? i felt intrigued.

on a side note, kuro's name is repetitive in places you can use a pronoun.

grammar (5/10):

- wrong dialogue punctuation.

- missing commas.

- extra unneeded spaces.

- kuro's name, and other words, weren't always capitalised when needed.

- not ending sentences when needed, causing run-on sentences sometimes.

- your vs you're

final score (42/60)

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Surreal Soulmate by dwarkaratna

character (6/10):

the characters are gentle and make the book a nice and calming read.

by the end of chapter two, i wondered how does poorna know what to do at work? she's said to be a caretaker, not a businesswoman. did they teach her? is it actually her field? and bc her mother in law said she did the same, it looks like some type of tradition, but how do they teach the women the work? it's not easy to be in charge. it's not just about some files to go through.

i also wondered how poorna started to like parth and why. he seems unmoved from his past lover.

parth is kinda cold to her. if he couldn't move on from his previous love, why did he marry her? kinda selfish if he only married her bc she's a caretaker.

plot (5/10):

previously from the blurb, you mention the story is about second chance in love. however, the story introduces nothing at stake. if it's going to be about the daily life of a couple with a second chance, that's not an inspiring story. 

there needs to be a struggle the story centres around to create a climax. the first chapters are supposed to keep teasing me to flip the page to know how the rising actions will lead to the climax.

writing style (15/30):

you started the story well with the paragraph about love. your writing is simple but beautiful. i like how you introduced the characters as well.

the introduction of the flashback was kinda abrupt. i'm not a fan of using those, but if absolutely needed, i think keeping them brief and finding a subtle way to put them in would be better.

sadly, there are a lot of mistakes in the writing. missing words, weird/unclear structure, and wrong order of words. with every mistake, the flow of reading would be affected.

the chapters end with no cliffhangers, giving me no reason to keep reading.

in chapter two, you switch povs to the mother in law when you tell what goes in her head. until that point, it was poorna's pov, so that switch was abrupt. this happened a few times more, so i'd advise revising it.

there are many ambiguous details. like how parth can stroll twice a day after his legs are severely fractured, even after 6 months on a stick, how poorna can work in the office, why poorna has no family, etc. i understand you might explain those later, but some of them seemed rather illogical. 

i'd have appreciated it if you gave more insight on their relationship when they had an evening stroll. you could've showed us their conversation. a great chance missed. reaching that point, the story felt like the daily life of a couple. they wake up, work, walk, eat, and sleep. the story needed more events and impactful scenes. they have a conversation later, but it's short and not impactful. 

grammar (5/10):

- it seems you're missing some articles and other words at some places. a proofread would do the story good.

- there are missing commas here and there. it affected the meaning sometimes and had me need to back read.

- wrong tenses and structures.

- wrong dialogue punctuation.

- an ellipsis is only 3 dots "..."

final score (31/60)

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How Hearts Mend Amashavi

characters (5/10):

wanting to commit suicide after seeing your partner cheat is a wild idea. for me, there could be two reasons 1) she's a weak person. 2) she has other problems and couldn't take this on top of it. i cancelled the first option because her behaviour with pete when she pulled his hair showed me she's strong.

for the other characters, the first three chapters were not sufficient for me to write about them yet. i feel luca's entry was a bit messy. how did he find her? were they friends meeting regularly, or have they not met since school? if so, what type of coincidence would match them at the same minute and space? 

how was she his muse if he hadn't seen her in a while? how did they cross roads right when she was crying?

plot (6/10):

chapter one starts with strong emotions, and that kept me wanting to read. these emotions continued till the end of it.

chapter 2 ends with a cliffhanger, and that's great, too. you're keeping the reader on their toes.

chapter 3 ends with a cliffhanger, too. great. so far, many details are messing, tho. like how her boss met pete, why pete cheated... etc. of course, you'll explain later.

i finished reading chapter three, but nth exciting happened except the idea of her living with the siblings. i think three chapters in, more exciting things should happen.

i think the shortness of the chapters is what limits the hook. i'll explain better in the writing style.

writing style (12/30):

i felt the writing was a little monotonous. cassy did, cassy didn't,  cassy went, cassy came back, all the same structure. you get me? try using a wider variety of structures, so things like this don't get noticed.

there's a good share of adverbs usage, which could be substituted with better descriptions. we know that adverbs are to describe verbs. but since this is creative writing, i'm sure you can replace the adverb with better descriptions in some places.

the writing does lack more expressive descriptions in general. it feels flat sometimes. some descriptions wouldn't give the scene justice.

starting chapter 2, there are some errors with paragraphing. some paragraphs are stuck together. you'll get what i mean if you scroll through the chapter.

to be honest, i'm not good at writing in 3rd person pov. but i noticed you were using cassy's perspective and then switched to luca's in some paragraphs randomly without a specific rhythm. it was inconsistent. you need to decide who's perspective you're writing in and stick to it.

if you want to write in both, that's a hard thing that needs more attention to how you devide the paragraphs and scenes, or if you'll be an all-knowing narrator who'll give a generic view of the events. but i think with this kind of writing, emotions of individual characters cannot be focused on as the narrator cannot know how the character feels deep down (supposedly). which means the laod will be on the reader to figure out. please read more about POVs to find out :)

grammar (8/10):

- you're missing some comas. most of them will be easily fished out by a grammar scanner.

- errors in dialogue grammar.

final score (31/60)

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vote and comment to increase reach, please ❤️

until the next round 😉✨️