21st December 2024

Retrospection is a bane. Using the information we know today to look at situations of the past in a different light feels wrong at so many levels. Agreed, some events make sense when retrospected, but in many others, retrospection agitates the dormant wounds left behind by events of the past.

My separation from Evelyn feels so preventable when I retrospect it. Sure, we had a lot of problems that were beyond my control. But I could have at least given her some materialistic satisfaction if I had earned as much as I do today.

She wanted our house where we could move in, a car where we could go on long drives, and time to sort out our problems. 4 years ago, each of these wishes was impossible for me to attain. Today, those dreams are my reality. I own a house in a decent neighbourhood, drive a decent car, and get ample time over the weekends to spend with myself and my loved ones. But what's the use? I have no one to spend it with.

Retrospection gives way to regret. Even though I realize Evelyn would eventually cheat on me no matter what I did, I still regret not being able to keep her that bit happier before we separated. But what's hurting even more is the fact that Evelyn wouldn't have been in the picture had I taken a step in the right direction a decade before I had met her.

I went over to Anya's today. I didn't want to, but I had a shot at repairing the bridges my mother burned so long ago. Yes, the bridges have been repaired, and contact has been restored, but the cost I had to pay for the same to happen, well was it worth it? Some claim ignorance is bliss, and maybe they are right. Sometimes, I wish everything would go back to how they were, and I could be happy.

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Some bridges, they burn when the time is not right,
They burn down for a purpose, even when the reason isn't in sight;
In fixing them we tend to burn ourselves instead,
It's better to let go of their memories and keep rowing ahead.

But if you decide those bridges should be repaired,
There will be heartbreaks ahead, so you better be prepared;
I wasn't when I found myself knocking on Anya's door,
She looked just as breathtaking just like she did when I saw her years before.

"Hi", she answered the door; "Anything I can do for you?"
"Hey Anya, it's me Shekhar", I said; "I think I have an apology due."
Her expression turned solemn, her struggle visible in her eyes,
"Hey Shekhar, come on in, what a pleasant surprise!"

She had a handful of people, all staring at the untimely visitor,
Maybe her birthday wasn't the best time to go out and visit her!
"Hi everyone, this is Shekhar, a friend from my teenage days",
Her introduction did reduce the intensity of their gaze.

I handed her the gift I bought and a bouquet that she liked,
I could feel my presence at this personal gathering was intensely disliked;
I excused myself from the awkwardness, and walked out of the hall,
I met Anya in the hallway, she asked "Why didn't you call?"

"How could I?", I replied; "After everything you had to endure."
"That's in the past, Shekhar", she sighed; "We have all got to mature."
"I just wanted to see if you would forgive me, give me a chance at redemption",
"Forgive you?", she looked amazed, "You were always the exemption!"

"I mean you never misbehaved, and I had no reason to hate you."
"So come and enjoy the company, there's a lot of catching up to do."
The two hours we spent were the happiest I have been in years,
But who would have warned me that by the end of it, I would be in tears?

"So what happened after that fateful night?", I couldn't help but ask
"It hurt that I loved you, Shekhar", she replied; "So forgetting you was a task!"
"But I moved on with time, and you know I am getting married next year",
"I might have waited for you, but you did just disappear."

Was it worth mending this bridge, burned by situations and fate?
Even if it was worth it, I am but just a decade late;
But what hurt more is the fact that both Anya and I agree,
That it would be beautiful if she would have been marrying me.

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