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fear and confusion are horrible emotions to have as they mingle and mess with your mind. but what you dread is something you can also take as a chance to adapt and overcome. its a chance to be realistic in order to grieve and make good choices for what was to come next.

what came next was up to the universe – thats all he could tell himself. the ravenette just sat and twirled a flower between his fingers, words stuck in his throat despite knowing the boy beside was sitting there expectantly. he never thought he would find himself there, sitting in a lovely garden with flowers and lessening sunlight that washed them in a golden glow. he didnt want to say it, but the guilt was building and the time was ticking. taehyung deserved to know what he was getting into and had every right to back out before it got too deep.

jungkook looked beside him, already seeing the boy looking back at him with deep brown eyes that had his stomach swirling from just the simple sight – and then they left, the words that couldnt be recaptured and sat between them until someone wanted to acknowledge it.

"i have cancer."

all taehyung wanted to know was the boys favorite color, and maybe eventually his favorite meal and making they could turn it into future plans later on. he definitely didnt think he would hear those words instead, and suddenly the sun didnt seem bright enough and the flowers werent as pretty as they were before.

such a statement was strong and intense, something he didnt know how to react to. taehyung could see the way jungkook stared at the small daisy in his hand, twirling it slowly and soon dropping it to the floor.

jungkook watched the petals fall to the cement, hitting the cold ground to be left alone until it withered and died. something so pretty would be easily forgotten, until it died all alone and left there on the cement without another thought. he needed to tell taehyung, he had to. it wouldnt be fair to start something that had the potential to end so soon. just like it wasnt fair to pick a flower, knowing it would die so soon.

jungkook didnt want to end up like the daisy, picked by the boy without knowing what he was getting into.

he still dreaded it though, not knowing what the brunette would say and not knowing how things would proceed from here. he hoped things wouldnt change, he hoped they could still talk in the halls and walk around and go look at the babies together. except, he couldnt help the dread that seeped in. fears always took over what we wanted, it turned us into empty souls always expecting the worst and never wanting to see what came next. it was a cold hand reaching up to grab our throats, suffocating us from speaking or being able to breath while the seconds turned into minutes and eventually hours. jungkook didnt know how much longer he could wait for a response – until it came, and the cold dread disappeared briefly as the warmth of the sun came back to shine on the two boys.

"so whats your favorite color?"

taehyung was watching the boy. his mouth parted slightly, as if he didnt expect the question, but something else instead. jungkooks eyes were slightly wide and if only he knew the relief that the little ravenette felt at a question that should have been so simple. he smiled, and something else so small meant so much.

"blue." jungkook said. "my favorite color is blue."

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he laid on the bed with his eyes staring at the ceiling and the hospital gown replaced the hoodie he previously wore. it was weird and scratchy, making jungkook squirm a little in his state.

"make sure you stay still." the doctor told him.

jungkook just gave him a thumbs up. he just wanted this appointment to be over. it wasnt the first time he's gone through this test, but that still didnt mean it wasnt annoying to go to. all he had to do was lay there and not move, the machine doing all the work as it took pictures of his lungs with low doses of radiation. it was completely not painful, just boring at that.

"how you doing buddy?"

it was the first smile he's cracked the whole time. hearing his friends voice through the speaker briefing fixed his mood and made him forget all about the pretty brunette from earlier. jungkook was thinking about where he was before this. the small talk and flower picking was nice as they didnt bring up the cancer after the boy confessed to his condition. it briefly felt wrong to bring something like that up considering what taehyung was going through, but at the same time it was the perfect time to let him know.

"im ready for a hot dog right about now." jungkook said to his friend, turning his head just enough to see the guy smiling from the other side of the glass.

"please dont move jungkook." the doctor said again, and the ravenette tried not to roll his eyes now since that would probably be considered moving.

namjoon shook his head at the kid, watching quietly and not saying anything else that would have the boy doing something other than what he was told. he made sure he'd take the boy to get a hot dog after this.

the test didnt take that long, only a few minutes of him laying there and the big machine making some loud noises as it took pictures of his lungs. jungkook closed his eyes the whole time, focusing on a peaceful thought to get through the process. pretty brown orbs made their way into his mind, swirling like caramel and a million different hues. it was almost unfair to define brown as one color. because everytime jungkook looked at the boy there seemed to be an endless amount of shades and layers to those eyes. they were light like the soil outside before rain turned them darker, yet deep swirls of dark oak like the rings of a tree that were decorated with flecks of gold that could easily have been put there from the sun itself.

jungkook didnt realize how much he liked taehyungs eyes, not until the bed he laid on had moved and the doctor said the test was over. it went by quickly considering he had something so nice to think about it.

he couldnt tell if the swirl in his stomach was from thinking about taehyung or the hot dog he was going to eat after this. he tried not think too much into it as he swung his legs over the side of the table and reach for his clothes on the chair. the door to the room opened and in walked his friend, but namjoon was quick to hold his hand over his eyes. "dude watch where you swing that thing, remember your whole ass is flapping around."

jungkook just grinned and turned to face his friend, leaning over to stick his legs through the boxers before following with the sweatpants. "so hot dogs?"

"obviously, lets go before the cafeteria is all out." namjoon held the door open and jungkook finished up changing back in normal clothes. he did not miss the gown one bit and even felt a little joy as he tossed it into the trash can before exiting the room. he thanked the doctor and missed what the man said about when results would be ready and when his next appointment was. they knew where to find him anyways.

"you seem like you've been doing better." namjoon said as they headed for the cafeteria. "better than last time i saw you thats for sure."

jungkook shrugged and just walked a little faster, he wasnt really in the mood to talk about his wellbeing. thats what the doctors and nurses were for. he just wanted to sit and eat a hot dog with his friend and then go back to his room to sleep. he was getting tired, feeling his breathes quicken with the effort up the stairs. "im a beast what can i say." was all he said, pushing open the door and pausing for a second to catch his breath.

namjoon clapped him gently on the back, "come on, lets get you that hot dog."

there were a few things that really disappointed the ravenette these days. with all the tests and medications and the whole being super sick thing, it was hard to ruin the boys mood when he was already surrounded by so many disappointing things.

today it was the pasta sitting in large metal containers with a small flame under each pan. jungkooks mouth dropped open slightly at the sight of italian and not the long-awaited american delicacy. "where are the hot dogs? its thursday night! they always have burgers and hot dogs." he complained.

namjoon just shrugged, not seeing the big deal. he tried to encourage the boy now, giving his back a little push. "come on, lets get something to eat. you need to eat." he added, missing the annoyed look tossed his way by the ravenette.

jungkook didnt move though, he shook his head and adjusted the backpack on his shoulder that felt a little heavier today. "im not hungry anymore." he said instead.

"you were literally complaining about being starving not even an hour ago."

"i only had room for a hot dog."

namjoon rolled his eyes now. he knew that tone, all twirled around notes of sass and attitude. the discussion was clearly over and namjoon could only hope his friend would get something in his tummy later on tonight. "alright i should get going then, its kinda late."

jungkook just nodded and took the second strap of his backpack to add to his other shoulder. "yeah ms. aecha is gonna wonder where i am, too tired to hear a lecture this time." he mumbled the last part, looking over at his friend and giving him a small hug before they said their goodbyes. namjoon said he'd visit again soon when he had a day off from work. jungkook just nodded and said goodbye again, glancing at the stairwell and knowing he should have taken the elevator – but he told himself he was a beast again and pushed open the door, making his way to the third floor.

jungkooks chest hurt and his breaths were shallow, pushing open the door to the third floor and staring at the white floors. it was such a boring color, all plain and lifeless as if the the people in the rooms werent enough, jungkook walked down the hall and passed by his friend stuart, waving goodnight to him until continuing on to his own room. the white halls led the way, all the way until the numbers 312 sat beside the doorframe. jungkook saw his nurse already in his room, separating his medication into cups in the order he needed to take them in. all the white covering the floors and sheets, just for different pinks and blues of the pills he was about to swallow down.

so many colors before him, but all he remembered was how lovely the deep brown of his eyes would be to see right now.

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already 1k reads wow i knew ur were all awesome