Chapter 39

"Chaos, hurry! There's something I have to show you."

Blinded by the glorious effulgence of the mid-day sun, I found myself worrying along a dirt path that cut in between a thicket of flowering bushes. I didn't know how I'd gotten here, let alone where I was.

Spilling out into a sprawling meadow filled to the brim with wildflowers that looked suspiciously a lot like the Garden of Eden, I found the rumpled head of Thomas tending to an array of vivid red cardinal flowers, radiant maximilian sunflowers, and glowing golden daisies that combined to perfume the sultry air with their rich, intoxicating scent.

But it was Thomas that I couldn't take my eyes off of the most. He was simply too tragically beautiful for words.

Before I could answer him, someone rushed right through me as if I wasn't even there.

"What is it now? You know I'm not finished preparing my chart."

I gasped when I realized the other person standing in the garden was...me.

Either I'd died and lost my freaking mind, or I was officially being Scrooged with scenes of my past. Scenes I wasn't even aware of.

Until now, that is.

Thomas smiled warmly at me...uh, I mean the other me. "Plant a garden of wildflowers and watch them grow. That is the true beauty of chaos in motion."

"Geez. You act like I'm never coming back."

Yup, that was me alright. Smart mouth and all.

"For me, you being gone will only feel like a few moments," Thomas began, voice wistful. "But for you, it will feel like forever."

"I guess it's just a good thing we'll be bound together for all eternity when I return then, huh?"

His face filled with concern. "If you don't form a bond with another, you mean."

The other me rolled her eyes dramatically, which was just so...so...oh, I don't know...so me. "Why would I go and do something as stupid as that?"

Thomas paused to rake his fingers through his thick hair in frustration, before burying them again in the pockets of the black leather jacket he always wore. "Because you won't remember me."

"That's ridiculous. Of course I'll remember you. Why wouldn't I?"

Thomas pulled the me closest to him down to sit beside him on a pristine white marble bench. "When you enter the womb waiting to be reborn, your spirit won't remember the journey. Your memories will be wiped clean and you will have to start all over. That's why you make your chart ahead of time and leave it with someone you trust. Think of it as a blueprint to remind you of everything you need to do on your journey. I'll be your official Spirit Guide, guiding you every step of the way. If you get lost or start to go down the wrong path, rest assured I will come to find you and set you straight again."

"When I agreed to put a stop to the war between Heaven and Earth, nobody said anything about a memory wipe."

"Don't worry," he insisted, reaching down to pluck a vanilla orchid and gently tucking it behind my ear. "I won't let you forget. If I ever feel like you're slipping away from me, I promise to bring you back to our secret garden to remind you of my love. Everywhere you look there will be a flower for all the times I'll be thinking about you." His voice trailed off with a concerned sigh. "Somehow I don't think it will ever be enough."

"It's enough," my voices echoed in stereo, gazing at the vast garden and the breathtaking landscape beyond punctuated by a whispering waterfall. "It's definitely enough."

Thomas put on a brave face. Or attempted to, anyway. "Where you're going, the road may seem impossible at times."

The other me smiled playfully. "Do I detect an element of fear?"

"I just don't understand how God could let any of this happen?"

I knew now that he was referring to Serenity and her plans for world domination.

"Look, you and I both know there's a reason for everything."

"Do you really believe that?" he said warily. "That there's a reason for everything?"

"I choose to believe, Thomas. But I don't have all the answers either. None of us do. Who knows, maybe the only answer is that there is no answer."

"So, you're saying it's all just random chaos, like the wildflowers?"

"Maybe. It's not up to us to decide. Maybe God will use that chaos for a higher purpose."

"By putting you in danger..."

"Thomas, you're trying to make this a fight about flesh and blood, but it's not. The fight raging on Earth as we speak is about the power of darkness. It's about good versus evil. And, make no mistake about it, mankind is caught in the crossfire at this very moment. They're the ones I'm fighting for."

He sighed defeatedly. "I wish I could believe like you."

"You can. It's called faith. You should try it sometime." The other me held out her hand and waited for him to take it. "Don't forget about us. I know I won't. Something great is yet to come."

I stumbled backward and set a new land speed record getting out of that garden as fast as my ethereal legs could take me, collapsing at the edge of a rocky cliff overlooking an endless ocean filled with the tears of the suffering.

The guilt was almost too much to bare.

For once, I let down my guard and the memories came flooding back. None of this was an accident. No matter how hard I'd tried to fight it, I actually chose my destiny. I chose to leave my one true love behind on the other side and return to Earth to fight the Dark Ones alone. Even my God given name wasn't an accident. It's a terrible thing to witness ones own past and yet not be able to see until it's too late. Thomas had kept his word and brought me back to the other side when I was feeling hopeless and lost. Only I didn't recognize it. Any of it.

Especially our secret garden.

How could I ever expect him to forgive me when I couldn't even forgive myself?