23-Angel

"Anong ibig-sabihin ng sing-sing na ito, Angel? Kay Drake ba ito galing?"

Ate Sonya shot me with questions, holding the ring that Drake had given me after I took a shower.

She inspected the ring with narrowed eyes. Tumaas ang kilay niya nang hindi agad ako nakasagot.

I swallowed the hard lump in my throat. I broke out in a cold sweat when she glared at me.

I yanked the ring from her.

"Regalo niya sa akin, ate. Para sa anniversary namin..."

She didn't take my reason as valid for sure. Malakas ang kutob kong mas lalong tumaas ang hinala niya dahil doon. Samakatuwid ay binalewala ko lang.

***

Isang gabi napagdesisyunan kong isakatuparan ang plano ni Drake. Sinunod ko lahat ng mga instructions niya. Palihim akong nag-impake. I also wrote down a goodbye letter for my Family.

It was hard to leave them and selfish for me to do it. But I knew that was so wrong, but it felt so right. So comfortable and easy yet so risky. I knew that running away with Drake from everything to where our hearts want us would be easy as breathing the air.

There was a hope and bottomless happiness reflected in his eyes if I run with him. I held that idea in my heart so dearly.

I carried my small pink luggage and sneaked to the kitchen with one light was on. Marahan kong inipit ang papel sa ilalim ng fruit stand.

When I was about to text him with a go signal, bigla nalang bumukas ang lahat ng ilaw sa sala. Mabilis na kumalampag ang puso ko nang nadatnan ko sina Mama, Kuya Soren, at ate Sonya na nag-aabang sa akin.

"Saan ka pupunta, Angel?" Kuya Soren's question quavered my heart in fear.

Tila binuhusan ako ng isang timba ng yelo na parang naging istatuwa na lamang ako sa harapan nila.

"Hindi ako nagkamali. Tama ang hinala ko. Nagsisinungaling ka sa akin, Angel... Sa singsing palang na binigay niya ay talagang may plano kayo ni Drake na hindi maganda. ..." Ate Sonya confirmed her suspense on us.

Kinuha ni Mama ang sulat sa mesa. Her eyes scanned the content. Natutop niya ang kanyang bibig.

"Wala na ba kaming halaga sayo, anak? Magtatanan kayo at iiwan mo kami..." pumiyok ang boses niya.

"Mama..." Mahigpit akong napahawak sa aking maleta.

There was a twisting knot of agony in my stomach that makes me hard to even breath. Bigla nalang bumuhos ang mga matatabang luha sa aking mata.

"Tinawagan ako ni Sonya, Angel. Gusto ka niyang itanan." Pumikit ng mariin si Kuya Soren. "At sa palagay mo magiging maganda ang buhay mo sa kanya?"

I was restraint of speech with that. I felt like running to the nearest closet and lock myself in there forever.

"Sagutin mo ako, Angel!" he roared in rage.

Napaigtad ako. I was quiet as a mouse. Mas naging klaro ang mga ugat sa kanyang noo dahil sa kanyang matinding galit.

Yumuko ako para hindi ko siya makita sa mata at nangingiyak na tumango.

"Pla-ano naming i-iwan ang la-ahat, Kuya..." I answered him weakly and stammering.

"May mapapatay akong tao! I don't care about my rank in the military!"

His supremacy of good was peeled off to the surface.

Nilakihan niya ang kanyang mga hakbang patungo sa kanyang kwarto. Nanlaki ang mga mata namin nang bitbit na niya ang kanyang M16 Rifle!

"Manatili lang kayo dito, Ma." He commanded. "Ikaw Angel, huwag na huwag mo siyang tatawagan..."

Nananalaytay sa kanyang dugo ang poot. Umigting ang panga niya at namula ng mga mata.

"Kuya! Hindi mo pwedeng gawin 'yan!" pigil ni Ate Sonya.

She locked the door as quick as possible.

"Anak.." Umiling-iling si Mama, "Soren, maghinos dili ka! Walang mangyayaring maganda kapag dahas ang ginagamit mong solusyon para malutas ang isang problema..."

"Kuya...hindi na ako sasama sa kanya. I will break up with him..." I pleaded.

"Kailangan niyang maturuan ng leksyon, Angel." desidido niyang saad.

Hinawakan niya ang pistol grip ng kanyang rifle at pabalang na pinindot ang magazine release button para palitan ito ng bagong bala.

He inserted a magazine into the magazine well. Sumibad ako ng takbo sa kanya at niyakap siya sa baywang ng napakahigpit.

Ito lang ang naisip kong paraan para maibsan ang galit niya.

"Kuya, patawad..Hindi na ako sasama sa kanya..I will break up with him. I will never see him again."

Nangangatal ang mga labi ko. Ang bawat paghinga ko ay mabigat nang ipinatayo niya ako.

"Hindi, Angel. Ilalayo kita sa kanya..."

My heart fell into ruin like earth's decaying leaves. I stilled like a lifeless body and soul standing on the ground. I couldn't speak nor blink my eyes. I stared at the outcome of my shallow decision.

That was his last resort.

He was like a mad-man rattling inside the cage. Then, he called the oldest of the Mathildo Brothers, dialing the numbers in haste. I only heard the wispy part of their conversation over the phone while I was tapping concealer around my eyes to hide the swelling from crying.

"Bury his stubborn head in the sand! Hinding-hindi ko siya hahayaang makuha ang kapatid ko! I will fire that dastard to the ground if I have to!" he berated Drake through his older brother.

"Pasensya na, pre... We don't know that he's having this idea.. Akala namin natuto na sa mga pinaggagawa niya noon...hindi pa pala.."

A surge of pathos and shame ran through me. I was really in dire straits. Nasira ko ang lahat nang dahil sa mali kong desisyon.

I blamed myself for that night. I had the verbal might to further stop him. I should have talk to him when we were in our even-minded state.

"Bumalik ka, Anghel! Don't leave me!"

Humagulgol ako ng iyak sa loob kotse habang sinisigaw niya ang pangalan ko.

Pinasandal ni Mama ang ulo ko sa kanyang balikat at hinahagod ang aking likod. "Anak, hindi maganda ang plano niyo. Parang sinisira niyo ang kinabukasan niyo."

"Angel....!"

I wept even more when I heard his last faint voice, calling out my name before silence outdo his loud cries of beseeching.

My mother tightened her embrace on me.

"Tama ang tantya ko sa Mathildong iyon. Masyadong apurado, aburido. Hindi pasyensyoso. Lahat ng gusto niya ay dapat masunod. Kaya lumalaki ang ulo." Kuya Soren censured Drake while driving.

Drake and I supposedly left together. Instead, I left everything behind inversely. My joyous childhood. The palpable youth of my soul. My thrilling and tranquil young love. Him and our memories.

***

Everything was at full tilt when we landed in Cebu. Shame drowned me. Sadness consumed me.

I romanticized self-loathe. I couldn't remember the last time I had the most satisfied face seeing a plate of food being served to me.

"Anak, kumain ka na. Hindi na maganda ang resulta ng pag-iwas mo sa pagkain. I want you to do things you love again..."

Inihatid ni Mama ang aking tanghalian sa aking kwarto.

Our first week in Cebu was difficult for me. My mind was to him — yet my physical existence wasn't in my current surrounding.

"Ma, wala akong gana..."

I was sitting by the window. My knees were folded. I was looking outside the quiet village.

I felt like all the food she served to me were tasteless. Sa bibingka lang ako bumabawi. Subalit hindi sapat iyon.

"No cellphone, Angel. You'll be studying here in Cebu. Keep your mind out from that dastard."

They stripped me out from social media. Wala akong balita kung ano na ang nangyayari sa kanya at sa mga kaibigan ko.

I hope he was doing fine. I hope he wasn't doing what I'm doing.

"I miss you, Drake..." I whispered in the air after a lovely dream about him.

Pinalis ko ang luhang lumandas sa aking mga mata.

They were nights that brings me nostalgic feeling. Those were the hours that fagged my mind and wrench my heart.

"Angel, we will be seeing a dietician to give you a healthy weight-gain plan..."

Kuya Soren's worried face plastered on my sight when he came back in Cebu after few months.

They had been observing me. My evasion to food wasn't healthy.

I lost my vigor in the process. It was dreary.

I oppressed my own self. I used to look overflowed with love and lately overhung with gloom.

"Ang laki na ng binawas mong timbang, anak..." Malungkot na wika ni Mama.

I stared at my own reflection in the mirror. I looked like I lost half of my life. My arms and legs were thinner than before.

He told me that I take life problems lightly like a grain of salt. But now I handled everything like I was in the summit of misery.

Sinunod ko sila. Hindi ako nagmatigas kahit papaano. Gumastos sila para sa aking kalusugan.

It was heartbreaking sight to see my family when the dietician confirmed that my avoidance to food lead me to malnutrition.

My dietician gave us a healthy weight gain plan. It was hard to consume food every day when your stomach and mood didn't concur to your well-being.

They were vegetables and fruits being incorporated into my daily meals. I had been taking supplements to boost my food intake.

I followed what the dietician had advised. My mother monitored me and narrated me all the happy things she did. Napapangiti ako sa mga kwento niya.

My siblings always told me only the good news. They didn't fill my days with bad news. There was a huge change in their treatment to me. They'd have become extra affectionate, gentle, and caring. They never made me feel less valued.

Kuya Soren enrolled me to a Cosmetology School. That was the path that I want. That gave me perhaps a little hope to continue my passion and to be lesser grievous to myself and my health. My dream school was in Mindanao. However, my course wasn't in that school.

Given by the pulses of life, I studied while undergoing my treatment. My nutritional status was improving within two months. They were minor changes in my weight. I began loving what I do before: drawing and makeup, getting clients, and gaining money from photoshoots and pageants.

Nang binalik na ni Kuya Soren sa akin ang aking cellphone ay naglog-in kaagad ako sa aking FB account using a Wi-Fi connection.

Maraming mensahe ang nanggaling sa mga kaibigan ko. Those messages were encouraging me. There were also graduation photos in our group chat. They left a space for me.

I remembered Jethro's gmail account. He used to send me there my pictures. Para maganda ang quality before I posted it on my FB and Instagram.

I composed a message for him, in the hopes that he would read it. I included my current phone number. My previous contacts were no longer in my phone. My brother broke my sim card and deleted all the things that relates to him.

From [email protected]

To [email protected]

Jethro, save my number (0967*******) but don't tell your brother, please.

I deactivated my two social media accounts on purpose after that. I might end up stalking him. I checked my gmail day by day. One evening, I got a reply from Jethro.

From [email protected]

To [email protected]

Tatawag ako sayo ngayong linggo. Mga alas kuwatro ng hapon. Huwag kang mag-alala, Gel. Hindi ko sasabihin sa kanya.

Nang sumapit ang linggo ng hapon ay naghintay ako sa kanyang tawag. When my phone rang, I scooted to my room and answered him.

"Where are you, Gel?" tanong niya agad.

"Cebu." I lowered my voice. "Don't tell anyone, please..."

"Walang ibang makakaalam, Angel. I respect your decision."

"Salamat Jethro. Sana maintindihan nila ako..."

"You're welcome and they will understand you..."

I had texted him na mag-video call kami sa skype pagkatapos ng klase ko sa Monday. Nag-usap kami ngunit sumeryoso ang mukha ni Jethro sa kalagitnaan ng aking salaysay.

"What happen to you really? You look not healthy."

"I'm malnourish, Jethro." Matapat kong sagot sa kanya. "But I'm somehow fine now than the last few months..." I assured him.

"I know how hard it is for you. But please, take care of yourself, Angel... Do you have pictures of yourself the last few months?" nag-aalala talaga siya sa sinapit ko.

"Wala, kasi pinagbabawalan ako nila Kuya na humawak ng cellphone. It would be a bad factor in my health too..."

He was concern about my health. I told him I have already bounce back to my healthy state.

Kahit papaano naman ay nagbigyan siya nito ng kaginhawaan pero palagi niya akong pinaaalahanan sa mga videocalls namin na kumain ng marami.

Kapag nagtatanong naman ako tungkol sa kapatid niya dahil hindi ko talaga mapigilan. Dalawa lang ang kanyang isasagot: magdadahilan siya na nawalan ng signal; or he would end up the videocall.

***

"Are you contacting with the Mathildos?" Kuya Soren just asked me randomly one summer day.

I was braiding my hair. I quickly stopped what I'm doing and faced him. "Si Jethro lang naman, Kuya.."

Kinakabahan ako at baka magalit siya at kunin ulit ang aking cellphone o ang mas malala ay lilipat ulit kami ng lugar.

"Are you checking up on him, Angel?" His jaw clenched when a famous suspicion stalled me.

"Hindi, Kuya." I shook my head, denying his accusation. "Walang sinasabi si Jethro tungkol sa kanya. At hindi naman kami palaging nag-uusap."

I began picking my cuticles and skin around my fingernails. My eyes moistened. I gulped to calm down myself. I didn't want to cry in front of him. He might think that I'm making ways to him.

The urge to do that was palpable, and sometimes I just let myself that's why I asked Jethro but got nothing in return. However, if Jethro feed me with updates about him, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop.

I reminded myself. I've made a terrible and selfish decision. Withholding myself from him was the safest way.

Kuya Soren nodded eventually.

"I don't forbid you to communicate with your friends, except that dastard."

***

"Micro concealing is a technique that only covers the spots that blend seamlessly into the rest of your skin, achieving a natural look without overdoing it..." Our instructor explained, "All you need is a very thin and pointed brush, a high coverage concealer. Dab the brush to the concealer and starts concealing only the areas and spots that you really need it. It allows you to create an incredibly natural finish..."

It was one of our makeup application practices. We had to find a partner that we could practice our skills with and that goes vice versa. It wasn't my first time doing micro concealing. In fact, I did it every day to hide my imperfections on my face. It would make the skin feel fresh and light, and not cakey and heavy.

We had to film our performance every practice using our phone to watch it afterwards and see if there were any techniques we would like to improve. There were other satisfying things we do like the application of styling techniques, hair treatments, styling nails, and applying skin treatments.

Cosmetology was my savior to all my sadness. I've been fascinated with beauty. I'd have always been thrilled to unleash my creativity through making someone outstanding and enhance their beautiful features.

It was rejoicing for my soul when I learn by doing well but as well as, learn by having fun. My senior high school strand frankly wasn't aligned to my course.

Katatapos lang ng klase namin. I learned the micro-concealing technique and many forms of eye lining that would be suitable to different eye shapes. Bukas siguro ay ang different techniques in contouring na naman.

"Are you even eating, Angel? Why are you so skinny? Hindi ka ba kumakain?" sunod-sunod na tanong ng classmate ko, habang naglalagay siya ng lipstick sa harapan ng salamin ng bathroom. "That body doesn't really make you more pretty, Angel! You look like an old stick!" dagdag niya pa sa pang-iinsulto sa akin sabay halakhak.

"This is just my body..."

"Look at my body, this is the standard!" pagmamayabang niya.

She had those curves and big breasts that boys want. While I have bony collarbone, slim arms, and flat chest. My body looked boring and dull.

Lumabas ang isa ko pang classmate na may gothic style na pananamit at makeup sa isang cubicle.

She lifted her perfect brows at her.

"Body shaming naturally skinny people is still the same as body shaming fat people. Wala ka talagang utak, no? It's universal, gaga. It's for both sides. If you have nothing nice to say, keep it to yourself. Marami na tayong problemang kinakaharap sa mundong ito. Dumagdag ka pa. Don't be so insensitive. You don't even know how to properly put lipstick."

Parang sinampal ng walong beses si Andrea sa sinabi ni Daryl. Padabog siyang lumakad sa pintuan, cursing at her and me, before slamming the door hard.

Ang totoo ay wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya. I never really had a history of conversation with her. I was thoroughly clueless why she has a lot to say about my body on our first real talk.

Naiwan kami sa loob. Lumapit ako kay Daryl at ningitian siya.

"Thank you, Daryl..." bulong ko.

"You're welcome, pretty. Don't mind her. She's a problematic bitch, and you're an Angel. Your body is yours to mind..."

Ilang beses na akong nagtangkang kausapin siya. Subalit ngayon lang ako may lakas ng loob dahil sinagip niya ako sa nanlalait sa akin.

"Your gothic style is perfection. Kakaiba din ang pangalan mo. Can I invite you to a lunch? Let's go eat somewhere,"

The moment I saw her she captivated me. Her black lipstick, thick eyeliner, dark nail polish, corset, boots, and piercings on her eyebrows and lower lip were eye-catching.

She was unique for me and I admired her sense of style so much.

"Yeah..." She swiped another layer of black matte lipstick on her lips. She closed the lid of the tube container and stored it back to her make-up kit. "You don't radiate bad energy unlike some students here. I think we should be friends."

I gleefully hooked my arm to her, and we got out of the school to find a restaurant nearby.

After finding one, we enjoyed the food, we ended up in a mall at the department store, cosmetic section.

"Do you have a favorite movie?"

Hindi siya masyadong nagsasalita kung hindi ako nagtatanong. Hindi naman siya mukhang galit.

"Yeah. The countess." She yawned, picking some dark color lipstick.

"That's strangely intriguing." Komento ko at sinundan siya.

"What's yours?" She asked me back.

Her eyes on her hands, checking the label of the lipstick.

"Marami."

Kumuha ako ng Nars Radiant longwear Foundation in the shade Vallauris. I had to try this one to my next client.

We strolled around the mall. As I kept on asking her questions, she responded and asked me back. We become more comfortable to each other.

We also cracked and exchanged jokes to each other. Her dark of humor was new and bewitching to me.

***

Nang dumating ang sabado. Nagpaalam ako kay Mama na gabi pa ako makakauwi. Dapat nasa buong seremonya ako para sa retouching ng makeup ng bride. Dalawang oras kung inayusan ang client ko.

Hanggang sa Venue ng kanilang kasal ay naroon ako. Masaya ang pagdiriwang. I really didn't feel like I'm out of place. The bride and groom's family, friends, and relatives were accommodating.

Mayroon ding nanghihingi ng number ko para kung may event silang dadaluhan ay tatawagan nila ako.

Pagkatapos ng tatlong oras na kasiyahan sa venue ay nagpaalam na ako sa bagong kasal na uuwi na.

Nasa labas ako ng hotel. Naghihintay ng taxi nang may lumapit sa akin

"Hey, pretty." He spoke.

I've had been hearing people calling me 'pretty'. It was honestly heart-warming.

"Hi." I smiled at the stranger.

It was like a habit of mine. I had this notion that everyone was going through some hurdles in their shoulders in silence. The only thing I could contribute to that is a smile on my face.

"Diba ikaw iyong make-up artist ni Ate?"

Kapatid pala siya ng bride? Baka cousin?

"Oo." Tumango ako. "I'm sorry hindi kita agad na mukhaan. Marami kasing pinakilala sa akin ang newly married couple. Kaya hindi ko na matandaan lahat."

Tumunog ang cellphone ko.

It was my sister, asking where I am and reminding me to be home. While I was typing a reply, his eyes steadied on me.

May naramdaman akong kakaiba. Maybe awkwardness?

"Are you perhaps texting with your boyfriend?" usisa niya na may halong alikik.

"Hindi po. I'm texting my sister." I politely said.

"Aw. Drop the 'po'. Hindi naman siguro magkalayo ang edad nating dalawa. Do you have a boyfriend perhaps?"

"No.." I shook my head. "I'm not looking for a boyfriend."

"You have that beauty that boys want to date, and you don't have a boyfriend? Now I am daydreaming to be one for you."

He grinned at me in amusement this time as if he just saw a meteor. He thrust his hand to his pocket and gave me his calling card.

"I want to know you more... Call me if you feel the same way, I'm just around the city, pretty."

He winked at me.

"I don't need this."

"Why?"

"I won't call you anyway, mister."

"Now you're calling me mister. I feel old dammit." he murmured.

"I don't really need this. I don't have any plans to call you. You will be just wasting your time."

"Just keep it. You might change your mind. No need to rush to call me..." pagmamatigas niya.

I shook my head one more time. "No, sir." And called a taxi. He was creeping me out already.

PERIEDOT