22-Drake

I let my inner demons control my mind. But it doesn't mean I wouldn't get out from all of it.

I couldn't go on with that mentality. I would be better this time. I would be more patient. I would be more tractable to calmness.

Self-control, humility, kindness, and a good sportsmanship were the things I'd have to work on.

That was my oath to myself. For myself. For her. I wanted her to see me that I strive hard and deserve her love.

"Hang in there!"

"Don't give up!"

"You're on the right track!"

"Trust me! Always give it a shot!"

Uncle Dwight was my ultimate motivator when I started participating in national competitions even the start of my training.

I would train eight hours a day during my first summer in Manila. I made some good adjustments.

Uncle Dwight did not agree to me that I should skip one year in college and solely continued the training. He said I should balance between school and training. Uncle Dwight purposively lessen the number of my training hours. Hence, I took business administration in one of the prestigious schools of the country when I passed their entrance examination.

He had pulled many strings for me. My journey to become a professional sports car racer wasn't easy. There were rough and even roads, ebbs and flows, wins and losses. I remembered my first time winning in a National Competition was a complete chaotic.

Sinundan ako ni Ayden sa aking tent. Na siyang opponent ko sa timpalak na iyon. Nagdugtong ang mga kilay niya.

"First win mo palang. You're just a newbie. Huwag kang kampante, Mathildo..." babala niya.

I opened the cap of the bottle of water. "Kampante akong hindi ka mananalo sa susunod..." Kalmado akong uminom ng tubig.

I didn't mean to make a rebuttal. I didn't mean to be arrogant too. Kapapanalo ko palang. Pero masyadong hambog ang isang 'to!

I burned his ego with that.

"Hindi ka mananalo sa susunod! I'll fucking win the next race! Tandaan mo iyan, Mathildo!" he yelled at me.

I looked at him. I didn't say anything further.

"What are you fuming about? It's just a fucking sport."

Pumasok si Uncle Dwight sa loob ng tent. Narinig niya siguro ang pinagsisigaw ng isang 'to.

"Always have patience and excellent sportsmanship when it comes to this, boys." He eyed him. "Ayden, bumalik ka sa tent mo. You should be thanking your crew rather than starting a fire of argument here."

There was a robe of humility about Uncle Dwight that I find admirable.

Umalis si Ayden na may nagbabantang mga mata sa akin. He was way too reckless and arrogant for his own good.

I had to admit that I've reckless in some point of my life. But I couldn't imagine myself fuming like that because I lose in a sport. I knew the line between sports and personal issues. Those things shouldn't mix up.

I've been an adrenaline junkie since I was a kid. Palagi akong umuuwi sa bahay na may maraming pasa sa tuhod at siko dahil sa pagbibisikleta.

Hindi ko gustong plain lang na naglalaro kasama ang mga batang iyakin. Gusto ko palaging may thrill. Kaya nagpupustahan kami ng kababata ko kahit limang peso lang ang mga taya namin. Ako ang pasimuno ng lahat at hindi ako kailanman natalo.

Kung natalo man ako sa mga laro namin noon hindi naman ako dumating sa puntong nakikipag-away na.

***

"Do you know what Viktor E. Frankl said?" pang-iiba ni Uncle Dwight nang lumabas kami para mag-inuman sa isang sikat na club.

My forehead furrowed. "I don't know. I don't really know him either."

"What a man actually needs is not a tension less state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task." He sipped his whiskey and slightly shake the liquor. "Achieving a certain goal is worthy than seeking after plain ease and pleasure. It brings out our potential meaning that only we can fulfill. So, what's your next goal, Drake?"

"...Angel... Find her...every nook of this country."

There was a spell of sadness and longing in my voice.

"You didn't realize how important listing goals and make it happen can foster one's relationship. Let's be real, strong feelings of affection alone is not enough to build a strong relationship. It does not equate to that. You two should make individual goals, support each other's small progress and be each other's helping hand. It functions a relationship pretty well..."

I had been getting scraps of knowledge and advices from him. That one permeated me to the core.

He tapped my shoulder. "I'm off now. Huwag sumobra sa alak, Drake..."

"Maraming salamat, uncle Dwight."

He was right. I was immensely infatuated with the idea that being with Angel twenty-four-seven could intensify our relationship.

I was too inspired by cloying affection, impulsive enthusiasm, and unimaginable pessimism that it made me sightless of the important things we should prioritize to intensify our strong bond.

I realized that patience was the name of the game in maintaining a good connection with your partner.

Love alone is not enough to work one's relationship. Making individual goals is the engine of it. Akala ko sa pagmamadali ay magiging madali ang lahat.

I wanted an easy route. I described an easy life with Angel alone that I forgot about our dreams and goals too.

I couldn't thank him enough. I wouldn't be here without his help. He knew my potential from the very start.

***

"Welcome home, brother!" bati ng mga kapatid ko pagkatapak ng mga paa ko sa bahay namin.

Umuwi muna ako sa lokalidad na nilakihan ko.

Naihulog ko ang aking backpack nang umangat na lamang ang paa ko galing sa pagkakatayo. Kinarga ako ng mga kapatid ko papuntang dalampasigan.

Bumilang pa sila hanggang tatlo bago nila ako inihagis sa tubig alat at nagtawanan.

Oh, I was home.

"Kumusta ang Manila, anak?" natutuwang tanong ni Papa nang nasa silid-kainan na kaming lahat.

I spent two hours, narrating what happened in Manila. They didn't able to attend my first race. That was fine with me. I didn't tell them anyway. I just didn't want them to expect that I would win. But uncle Dwight informed them on the day of my race. They just catch-up the TV broadcast and Jethro had taken a video of them watching me on the screen. The way they threw hand fists in the air and shouted my name. They were beyond proud of me.

My father was finally ecstatic that I truly enjoyed what I'm currently doing. It was healthy for me and my sanity.

We had a good talk and laugh over my success. Well, not yet successful.

Jethro's phone beeped beside me. He was in the bathroom. I checked the screen and my turbulence of thoughts struck me by the message popped on his lock screen.

Angel:

Hectic ang sched ko, Jetty.

They were communicating all along. And my brother didn't bother to tell me!

Kinuha ko ang cellphone ni Jethro at sinalubong siya galing bathroom.

"Where is she?" I asked him straightaway.

"Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?"

He was confused.

Hinarap ko ang cellphone niya sa kanyang mukha. "Explain this, Jethro."

"Klassmate ko 'yan, Drake. Huwag kang assuming. Pareho lang sila ng pangalan..." He tried to sound oblivious.

He was trying to cover up what's already obvious!

"She called you, Jetty. Does anyone call you Jetty other than her?"

There was a shade of doubt and shadow of truth when his eyes turned mad. Then, his outburst confirmed everything, "No! Masaya na si Anghel ngayon!"

"Did she find someone else? Better than me? More patient than me? Way more responsible than me? Sagutin mo ako, please." I demanded in my cool tone. "I want to know if she already finds someone or ...if she's happy..." pumiyok ang boses ko.

"Huwag mo muna siyang guluhin, Drake..."

"Kahit address lang, Jethro. Gusto ko lang siyang makita...kahit sulyap lang. Pangako hindi ko siya guguluhin..." I begged with my heart bleeding and longing.

"Cebu. I'm sorry, Drake. That's the only thing I know. Pero hindi ko ibibigay ang phone number niya sayo. She doesn't want you to know either. Baka lilipat na naman sila sa ibang lugar kapag nalaman ni Kuya Soren niya."

Napaupo ako sa sahig sanhi ng pangangatal ng mga binti ko. Sinapo ko ang aking ulo.

Ginulo ko ang aking buhok dahil sa biglaang pagsirko ng nararamdaman ko.

I didn't stay long in our home. My father and my older brothers didn't hinder my plan. It seemed to be they were trusting my decisions and choices now.

I travelled to Cebu. I stayed at Quest Hotel for four days. My hope and eagerness to see her didn't subside even after long days of quest. That was the first week.

I bought a sky pod house at Monterrazas Prime to dwell in for a month and to secure my first investment.

I'd have saved enough to buy my own house from left-and-right brand deals and advertisements. I didn't regret buying it. Bumalik ako sa Maynila nang wala na talagang progress sa paghahanap ko. Thus, I hired an investigator to continue the search for her.

"She entered the school of Cosmetology at Cogon Ramos, Cebu City..." My investigator reported to me over a late-night phone call with series of pictures of Angel staring to a guy in my hands. She was smiling at him. Presumably her new lover.

Labis na kumirot ang puso ko.

My tears dribbled in my cheeks as I ended the call.

That was my punishment for wanting to shortcut everything.

"This is all your fault, Drake..." Nakatingin ako sa nagniningning na city lights sa loob ng aking condo.

I hastily swallowed down the last drop of brandy.

Pinahinto ko ang investigation. Angel had a new life now... I completely respected that. Hindi na ako kasali sa buhay niya. She completely moved on...

Her new environment was subjected to her personal growth where her social circle would expand. She would expose to new experiences, and she would meet more people. She would make new friends.

A perfect man would like to know her. Given by her beauty and personality, someone would dare cross a mountain to enter in her life.

I engaged my attention to my own life after that. I became calmer just what I wanted but deep inside of me I'm howling in pain.

I was setting records across the globe and earned the reputation I deserve. On the other hand, I felt like I've lost a limb, or I'm like a baby without a blanket every time I won every race without her.

My popularity in the field skyrocketed. I graduated from college by the grace of my hard work. Many good things had happened to me.

I signed a short-term contract with McLaren and be part of their Formula 1 team. I had competed in Grand Prix.

My victory in the world championship didn't completely convince me to have a sweet spot of longevity in one brand only. They had persuaded me to renew my contract. Then again, I had something else in my mind. Later on, I sealed a contract with Toyota.

I built my own Safe Ride Van transportation Service Company. I was doing profitable things. Blessings were pouring down on me and I reached the point of wanting to chase her again.

Our memories were still clear and pristine in my mind. Angel was larger than my life. I wouldn't come this far if it wasn't because of her.

***

Drexter was whisling while doing his stunts on the sand. Muntikan pa akong mapuwing sa pinaggagawa niya.

It was in the midst of January. We were sunbathing outside, having a good conversation.

"Malapit na pala ang sinulog. Unsaon man ni pag-syagit dili naman ikaw iyang kusog..." parinig ni Drexter.

"Yeah, I get it, fucker!"

Siniko ako ni Jethro na nakaupo sa katabi kong deckchair. Binulsa niya ang kanyang cellphone. Malawak ang ngiti niya habang nakatitig sa akin.

"Why are you smiling like an idiot?"

He weirded me out.

"I just receive good news."

"What good news is that?"

"Secret. For thrill."

He never failed to annoy me. "Just tell me or-"

"A very good news from an Angel that you may want to start holding your heart right now..."

My system revved up with the mention of her name.

"What is it? Tell me..." I coaxed.

I had been bringing a topic related to her every time we talk to squeeze updates. I thought I could move on. Heck, that would be impossible.

"She will be back in this town." He stretched out his arms and crossed his legs. "How amazing is that, Drake?"

"Why are you saying this to me?"

He wouldn't even spit concrete details about her whereabouts!

Kahit sakalin ko pa siya hindi talaga bibigay!

Nakakapagtaka kung bakit sinabi niya na babalik na si Anghel na walang pag-alinlangan!

He took off his sunglasses and squinted when the ray of the sun hit his eyes.

"You're fine now. You are ready again. You are successful..."

"Angel is not here. How can I call myself successful?"

He faked a cough when there was a long pause from me.

"You will be completely successful the moment she arrived. For now, just wait, Drake."

It caused a pound in my chest. I needed to know what exact date she would be back.

"I'll give you everything you want! Just tell me the exact date she'll be back! Just help me, brother!"

"Calm down, bro. Mag-aaway na naman ba kayo?" Russel piped me down.

His eyes were busy on his canvas. He was painting something.

"You know the prize. Wala ng libre sa panahon ngayon. Mahal na ang bigas, gasolina–"

"I have lots of money now, Jethro. Name the prize." I provoked.

"Sigurado ka?" His one brow lifted.

"Hinahamon mo ba ako? I. Can. Pay. You."

I was getting antsy with this monkey.

"Kalimutan mo na. I don't want you to be poor, brother, because of the prize I want. This time for real, I will help you. Don't worry."

Tutulongan niya ako pero hindi niya parin sinabi. It was a nail-biter for me. Sa bawat araw na nagdaan mas lalo akong kinakabahan.

Jethro's sideways grin, his idiotic laugh, and transparent excitement were making me sentient of her arrival.

"Is she still dating that guy? For sure, they have celebrated-"

I knew I had to stopped myself.

"What are you bluffing about?"

His forehead puckered.

Ha! He didn't know anything about that. She might keep it a secret from him.

"She has a boyfriend. She didn't tell you? That's what my investigator told me."

I sighed in surrender, thinking that he would add this as his future leverage.

"I guess your investigator got the wrong information, or he didn't dig up more. Angel is single and just recently quit her job." he smirked.

God is Good!

That got me pump my fists in the air. I had anticipated our encounter more than my upcoming race in Tokyo.

Pagkatapos ng training at trabaho ko sa aking transportation company ay umuuwi agad ako sa bahay kahit madaling-araw pa iyan. I wanted to be there when she came back or at least know right away that she's back.

***

"Drake!" maligayang tawag ni Nanay Hermina nang binisita ko siya.

I brought flowers and chocolates for her. She was more of my mother than my biological mother. She witnessed how wreck I was when Angel left.

She cradled me when I was a child when my father scolded me or when I feel like I just need her maternal comfort.

"Maayong hapon, Nay."

Nagmano ako sa kanya.

"Mabuti napadaan ka..."

I hugged her tight. "Aba na miss kita, Nay. Kumusta na po kayo?"

She embraced me back like her son just came home from work. "Maayos lang, nak. Ikaw kumusta?"

"Masaya, Nay."

Pumasok kami sa bagong bahay nila. I had given her a sufficient amount to build a concrete house that's fit for a big family. Their previous house could be easily taken by the wind, or any natural disasters.

Hindi ko matatanggap na wala siyang maganda at komportableng bahay na matutuluyan.

"Mas lalo kang gumwapo, anak. Masaya ako sa mga narating mo ngayon."

"Maraming salamat, Nay." I sprawled in their living room.

I used to do this even I was a kid. Nanay Hermina never complain. Usually, I sprawled like the owner of their house when I have a bruise. She would heal it and cover it. I would stay the entire day here when I couldn't go home right away.

Pinagtimpla niya ako ng mango juice na may kasamang bibingka. I didn't wait any signal and devoured the food like it was the most expensive food in the world. It was Angel's favorite that makes it high-valued for me.

"Hindi mo ba nabalitaan, anak? Dumating na sila Angel..."

I choke down the bibingka in my throat all of a sudden. Inabot niya sa akin ang mango juice.

I took a giant sip before speaking, "Nay, naman. Huwag ka pong mag-joke."

"Sinabihan ako ng kumare kong may pwesto sa palengke kaninang umaga... Nakabalik na sila Anne. Naku, mas lalong gumanda iyong dati mong nobya..."

A surge of adrenaline just exploded in my system. There was fire in my heart to go see her as if I was ready to go and plead like a beggar for a bubble of chance. Yet there was a forbearance in my mind that I may twist the past wound I make.

"Just a glimpse, Drake. You will not fucking add a fuel to the fire..." I convinced myself inside my car after visiting Nanay Hermina, when a gentle urge consumed me like a voice from the unknown regions.

I drove to their house as fast fleet as the peregrine falcon at the end.

There was one thing I love driving in the locality I was raised. That there were no traffic lights. But still, driving with risk avoidance in mind was a must. I couldn't wait any longer.

My heart began thumping in my rib cage when I parked few meters from their house. I felt like the old Drake as I saw Angel holding a flower pot together with Mama Anne.

She was wearing her purple furry bucket hat and a white sundress. I caught my breath when she reeled her head to my direction.

I docked right off the bat. I peeked through the window of my car as I estimated that she didn't see me.

The vision was like the morning air. She was smiling with Mama Anne as if one of them crack a joke.

The pain and longing were like drilling my heart and gnawing my stomach. I was such a fool for destroying something beautiful...

PERIEDOT