21-Drake

"Are you still conscious, Drake? Look at you! You're that brave, but you can't even take of yourself! You can't even endure a day or a week without her! You will never grow if you don't accept the fact that she's going to leave you!" He offered blazing expletives in his argument.

My ears pierced with that.

Our mother did not even choose us. She didn't even stay. I was afraid that Angel would do the same, and it's just happened.

I hated myself. I tended to jump first and think about the consequences later. I was clearly in a depth water.

"I'm fucking scared like a deer being hunted! Or like an abandoned puppy in the forest, if I would never hear her sweet laughter, see her smile, talk to her about sensible and insensible things in this fucked up world and feel her calm presence every single day! Nakakabaliw, kuya!" I exploded as the last of my self-control seeped away like fine sand.

"Inalipin ka na ng pag-ibig, Drake. Hindi mo kayang maghintay. Maging pasensyoso." He glowered at me even more. "Handang magpatiwakal. Gustong apurahin ang lahat para lang sa pag-ibig. Don't you think that would be good for her?" he questioned me in the crucible of experience that shame me out of my nonsense.

"Mukhang nakalimutan mo ata, kuya." I cackled, remembering how he fell in love so fast.

"Naging alipin ka rin ng pag-ibig. Naging apurado ka rin ng dahil sa isang babae. Hindi mo nga kayang magpigil. Ilang buwan nga lang ay pinakasalan mo agad nang walang pahintulot... You even barely know her."

Mapakla akong ngumisi.

Daglian niyang sinara ang pintuan.

"Sino sa atin ngayon ang desperado? Sinekreto niyo pa ang kasal niyo. That kind of madness is on another level. You're just coward as me! You didn't want the world to know–"

"That's a different story. Don't flip the main problem here, Drake. We're both stable and adults. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ko siya kamahal na kaya kung maghintay ng maraming taon..." His voice lowered at the submission of his love and sacrifice for his woman.

"Kaya hinayaan mo lang. Kasi both of you are stable and adults... tsk! Ganyan pala kayo mag-isip..." I gave him a wry smile.

"I'm done with this conversation. You will not follow her..." he said with finality.

The shame they felt because of my sappy love for Angel distraught me that I had to say it out loud in front of him, "Hindi mo rin alam kung gaano ko kamahal si Anghel, Kuya... Hindi niyo alam kung gaano kalalim ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya,"

"I know, Drake... But your love ruins a dream and a family..."

Binigyan niya ng tuldok ang pag-uusap namin.

He locked the window and door with big padlocks. I couldn't escape. I was like a squirrel in the cage.

Sinapo ko ang aking ulo. Umagos ang mga luha sa aking mga mata.

"Sinabutahe mo lahat, Drake! Nilagay mo siya sa magulong sitwasyon! Hindi lang ikaw ang nagdudusa ngayon! Angel will be so much in pain right now! Kahit kailan hindi ka talaga magpagkakatiwalaan! You still make us disappointed! Ganyan ka ba talaga kasuwail na kaya mong itanan ang pinakamamahal kong kaibigan!?" Jethro's biting words ranged in my head.

It rendered me null and void.

They always aggrandized good guys and makes the bad guys always atrocious like we would never fulfill someone's expectation.

They did not understand me. And with that, I became more of the black sheep that I've been. I've had been the most unbreakable iron.

The wayward and the cumbersome of the Family. Hinding-hindi ako kailan naging paborito.

Disappointment after disappointment, I would still remain a solid rebel. But losing Angel, my world, was far worse than that. Her harrowing absence felt like it unbends me as if a loosened werewolf, running in the wilderness from a century of being caged.

***

"Mathildo, late ka na. Umuwi ka nalang..." pigil ng school guard sa akin sa entrada ng school.

Alas nuwebe na. Kaninang alas siyete pa nagsisimula ang praktis para sa graduation namin.

"Imoha ning eskwelahan?" mapang-uyam kong pakli.

Matapang at malakas kong tinulak ang gate kaya lumangingit ito. I walked inside the campus.

"First warning, Mathildo..." pahabol niya.

"Kahit ikatlong warning pa 'yan! Wala akong pakialam! Nakikipaglandian ka nga sa mga estudyante! Hindi naman ako nagsumbong!" I shouted and raised my middle finger at him.

"Itikom mo ang bibig mo!"

***

"Who-hooo!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

I was currently driving under the influence of alcohol with a pace beyond the recommended speed limit.

It was nigh on the impossible to take out the pain. I invariably craved excitement and rush for my heart was crammed with emotions.

My obsession with motor crossing exalted when I became a teenager. Things like the rush of speeding my motorcycle down the highway: the sense of freedom and liberty it made me feel; and the hint of peril and wind in between were all a part of the appeal. When Angel entered my life, it felt like I was in seventh heaven and loving her was icing on the cake.

This was my fate for crossing a boundary, for purely hastening her into a demarcated life away from her family.

I thought that going fast was exciting. Maybe because it was the substance of danger that makes it so exhilarating to the senses?

My suddenness and vehemence shove me into this ray less world.

I viewed everything like I'm driving with no brakes to the same circuit: flying like a big wounded bird in a cage. The frenetic pace of my motorcycle was urgent as the seas.

I took a sharp swerve in a corner at a high speed. I lost all ounces of control. I was on the ground by the time I retrieve the balance of my vehicle.

"Yawa nga kinabuhi!"

I was uttering wild cries like a creature in pain when I heard a police siren...

Natagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili ko sa Police Station. May ilang mga pasa ako sa mukha at bisig. Subalit wala namang natamong malubhang injury.

I stared at the blinding lights of the camera: stolid and soulless. They were taking mug shots of me.

Tumagilid ako para makunan sa lahat ng anggulo. Ang nakakapagtaka ay bakit kinukunan nila ako ng mug shot? Hindi naman malalim ang kasalanan ko! Hindi ako pumatay ng tao! Over speeding lang! Tsk!

"No defective parts, Sir!"

They checked all parts of my vehicle such as the engines, frame, fuel tank, tires, brakes, and handlebars. But they couldn't find any kind of deformity.

Maya-maya pa ay dumating sina Papa, Kuya Ranger, at Kuya Gunner. As usual, they were dismayed by the situation I was in.

"Drake Wayne Mathildo..." Bumuga ng hangin ang Police Officer at sumandal sa kanyang desk chair. "Ikaw ba ang pasimuno ng mga nangyayaring illegal motor racing dito sa lokalidad?"

"May ebidensya kayo, Sir? Over speeding lang violation ko. Dinagdagan mo pa..." I snapped at him.

"Drake, tumahimik ka nalang..." Kuya Gunner rebuked at me through gritted teeth.

"Kailangan niyang manatili dito sa loob ng beinte kuwatro oras para magtino. Kung papayag po kayo." mungkahi ng Police Officer kay Papa.

"Payag kami, officer..." Tumango si Papa.

"Kahit isang buwan pa, Sir. Walang problema." pagsang-ayon ni Kuya Ranger.

"Swerte ka dahil first offense mo pa lamang ito."

First offense dapat penalty fee lang or verbal warning! Bakit kailangan pang matulog sa mabahong selda niyo?

"Gusto ko nga sanang dagdagan pa..." sikmat ko sa mga Pulis.

In the result of my rebellion, I exacerbated the situation.

"Drake..." Ang ungot sa tono ni Papa ay nagpapahiwatig ng kanyang pagtitimpi.

"Kayo na bahala sa kapatid ko." paalam ni Kuya Ranger bago sila umalis na hindi ako sinusulyapan.

Two Police Officers disposed me inside their rusty prison cell after they applied some medicine on my external wounds.

"Improve your driving habits, dong..." wika ng isang police bago kinandado ang selda.

I didn't sleep the whole night. My haunting despair made me awake like an owl. Hindi ako gumawa ng ingay o nagreklamo sa init ng loob ng selda.

***

Pinauwi nila ako nang mag-alas dyes ng umaga at hindi na pinaabot ng beinte kuwatro oras.

Pumasok ako sa bahay ng hindi sila pinapansin. I walked through the stairs to my room.

"Drake, mag-usap muna tayo."

Bumaling ako sa sala. Pupungas-pungas akong bumalik ng lakad at pabagsak na umupo sa couch.

"Anak, kumusta sa loob ng selda?" bati ni Papa. Mukhang hindi na siya galit.

"Boring. Walang alak..." I told him, yawning.

Their morning protests, criticisms, and rebukes in their eyes were palpable.

"Hindi ko muna ibibigay sa'yo ang susi ng Yamaha mo, Drake. Hangga't ganito pa ang kalagayan ng utak mo. Kapag gumawa ka pa ulit ng katarantaduhan, hindi na ako magdadalawang isip na palayasin ka sa pamamahay na ito..."

The issue irresistibly emerged again.

"Pa, hindi na ata ako babalik sa katinuan ngayong wala na siya sa tabi ko. She's my life and now she left me. It's a dead end for me..." pumiyok ang boses ko.

Angel and I had been part of the whole. I would not function well without her!

Pinukol ako ng masamang tingin ni Jethro. "Paano sarili mo, gago? Don't always depend on her!"

"Kung tutulungan niyo akong hanapin si Angel–"

"Ang laki na nga ng ulo mo, ang kapal pa ng mukha mo, Drake..."

Inismiran ako ni Jethro.

"Anak, there are parts of our life and issues in ourselves that we need to work on by our own selves. You need to get back to your own senses or else–"

Naputol ang pagbibigay payo ni Papa nang may biglang pumagitna sa kanyang mga salita galing sa kusina.

"Or else we won't support your dream to be a racer. What's up dickhead?"

Uncle Dwight was here. He was leisurely sipping coffee on the kitchen counter, as if he's standing on his own home.

"Why are you here?" Malamig na tanong ko.

His appearance was so random. What the hell was he doing here? Is this some of a good conspiracy?

"Is that how you greet me, 'Welcome back, Uncle. Nice to see you again' Where's your manners, Drake?"

"I'm a scumbag. I don't have manners..." Inunahan ko na siya sa posible niyang sasabihin.

His words hung in the air like a floating balloon. Hindi ata mapakapaniwalang mas naging gago at brusko pa ako sa nagdaang mga taon.

The news that I spent a night in the local jail didn't reach to my School. My subject teachers were busy preparing for our upcoming graduation. Nasa punto na ako na hindi ako dadalo dahil hindi ko rin naman siya makakasama.

Kahit labag sa aking kalooban na pumasok sa School ay ginawa ko pa rin. Hinatid naman ako ng pabebong naming Uncle Dwight gamit ang kanyang roadster car.

"Stay in School, our soon-to-be-international-racer."

Ngumuso pa siya at hinawakan ang aking baba parang nang-uuyam. Kaya padabog akong bumaba.

"Listen to me. Stay in school and be a good student. Or else you're not getting a gift from me."

God, he sounded like a fussy mother!

I cringed at that. "The hell about your summer gifts if I'm not going to spend the sunny season with her."

"Drake, your anger and impatience are risky things to incorporate. It will burn you down rapidly. Learn how to take everything slow. Hindi naman karera ang buhay! Lalong-lalo na ang pagpapakasal sa murang edad!" May diin sa kanyang huling pangungusap.

Alam niya pala ang lahat. Marami na silang maghuhusga sa akin!

Binaba niya ang kanyang wayfarers na naging dahilan para sulyapan siya ng mga estudyante.

"At sana huwag kang uuwing may pag-asa ka pa sa kanya..."

His shafts of ridicule were making me ball my fist.

Yawa nga uyuan!

Umalis siya agad bago ko mabutasan ang gulong ng kotse niya. Rinig na rinig ko ang madagundong niyang halakhak.

I entered the school grounds, walking like without a spirit.

***

We were singing the farewell song.

My eyes caught the vacant seat where she's supposed to be sitting. I realized how I was emotionally dependent to Angel.

I only love going to school because of her.

She understood me by heart. She listened to me without reservation. She never did feel me inferior.

"Shot muna tayo..."

Naglabas ako ng isang bote ng brandy na binili ko kanina.

Binigyan lamang kami ng twenty minutes break. Nakatambay kami sa dulo ng hallway. I opened the cap of the bottle.

Akala ng mga kaibigan ko ay nagbibiro lang ako.

"Drake, putchaa.. Bawal 'yan.." Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Malik.

"Masarap ang bawal. Sige na, tagay!" I put some liquid on the rock glass and gave it to him.

Hindi niya ito agad tinanggap. Palinga–linga ang tingin niya sa kanan at kaliwang bahagi ng hallway.

Hindi ako nakatiis sa paghihintay at diretsong linunok ang alak. Baka mapanis pa sa hangin!

"Drake, itago na na.." Takot na utos ni Vlad.

"Baliw ka na talaga, Drake." Hindi makapaniwalang komento ni Scorpio.

"Please lang bumalik ka na sa pagiging matino."

"Kailan pa ako naging matino?" I asked him even though I knew the answer.

"Naging matino ka naman, Drake...noong nandito pa si Angel..." paalala ni Atlas.

Nilagok ko na ang bote nang marinig ang pangalan niya.

"Hinay-hinay lang, dakog ulo!" pigil nila sa akin at hinablot ang bote.

"Balik na daw sa gymnasium para sa last practice ngayong araw!" Malakas na abiso ng kabatch namin.

Bago pa nila maitago ang bote ng brandy ay siyang paglabas ng aming classroom adviser.

"Mr. Mathildo and your friends to the principal's office!" Madiin niyang tinutok ang kanyang hintuturo sa amin.

"Wala kaming kinalaman, sir! Pinipigilan lang namin siya!"

"To. The. Principal's. Office. Now." He emphasized each word and confiscated the brandy.

We were in the Principal's Office. Hindi na sa Guidance Office. The improvement would be a nightmare for our parents.

Our heads lowered, hands on our thighs, and facial expressions were elusive and subtle. I only felt a teeny weeny of fear. Meanwhile, Atlas, Vlad, Malik, and Scorpio were trembling in fear.

"Ma'am, Si Drake lang talaga ang tumikim ng brandy!"

Kanina pa putak ng putak si Atlas sa pagdadahilan. Pero mukhang hindi ito tinatanggap ng aming punong guro. Kaya nagsalita na siya para matapos na si Atlas, "Sa dami-dami ng pwedeng pag-inumang lugar. Bakit sa loob pa ng School campus? Kapag nandito kayo sa loob ng Paaralan ay responsibilidad namin kayo!"

Sa pagkakatanda ko pangatlong beses na namin sa Guidance Office ngayong taon. Ngunit isang beses palang kami dito sa Principal's Office. Ang pinagkaiba ay mas mataas ang agting dito kaysa sa Guidance Office.

"Ma'am, para daw sikat." Scorpio's reason was groundless.

Lumubo ang mga mukha namin sa pagpipigil ng tawa. Gago talaga!

Our principal stood up with a hand on her hip, imposing her utmost dislike of Scorpio's reason.

Halos hindi na maipinta ang mukha niya. "Just one more week and all of you will leave this School! But I want to talk to your parents before the Graduation!"

Kinabahan sila. Baka hindi na kami makakagraduate.

School and its goody-goody rules were frankly exhausting and draining for me to follow. Not everyone was destined to be good in school. Not everyone would like to be in school.

Hindi ako takot na hindi makagraduate.

My value does not really belong in here. It was in Angel and my passion for racing.

"This will entirely affect their good morals. At wala ng tatanggap na school sa kanila kapag nagkataon. They shouldn't have any record of misdemeanor."

***

Pinabalik kami sa Principal's Office pagkatapos ng isang araw. Our parents were sitting with us in a long table.

"Ma'am, is there anything else we can do?" My father inquired lowly.

There were nets of wrinkles at the corners of his eyes.

"This might be–"

Lumuhod si Papa.

Nagulat ang mga magulang ng mga kaibigan ko.

Parang piniga ang puso ko sa nasilayan.

That was the last straw. That was the bone-pinching effects of my negligence.

"Pa..." May garagal sa boses ko.

Pinatayo ko siya at pinahid ang mga tuhod para alisin ang dumi.

The principal considered what happen since we would be saying goodbye to the school. However, she gave a long speech on how immoral that action of us. In which supposedly my action only.

Pinagtitinginan ako ng mga estudyante pagkalabas namin sa Principal's Office.

My not-so-good image was severely tainted in the school. I used to be good when she was still here. They used to look at me in the face with admiration when I changed all my bad things to good things.

"Lah, si Drake Wayne Mathildo ginawang bar ang School..."

"Naghahallucinate atang nasa club siya."

"Putek, buanga gud."

"Alam niyo ba ang balita? Hiwalay na sila ni Angel Soledad at umalis daw sila dahil sa kanya..."

"Gusto kasi niyang itanan si Angel."

"Iyong pretty ba na senior high student?"

Nagbubulungan pa sila sa lagay na iyan?

***

"Lagi ka nalang bang ganito, Drake!? Wala ka na ba talagang kahihiyan? Pinaluhod mo si Papa sa harapan ng Prinsipal!" bulyaw ni Kuya Ranger nang malaman ang ginawa ni Papa para isaalang-alang ang aking kagaguhan.

Hindi ako nagsalita pabalik sa kanya.

I swallowed hard and went upstairs instead. I took a shower and lay down on my bed.

"Drake..."

Angel let her eyes opened a fraction. She was using my arm as a pillow. She combed her hair out of her face. Her eyes were droopy. Parang gusto niyang bumalik sa pagtulog.

She snuggled in my chest. I sucked a cold breath through my teeth. We interlaced our hands.

Suot niya ang singsing na galing sa akin. Malalim akong nakatingin sa kanya.

I touched her face to confirm if she was true.

"Drake, why are you looking at me like that? Hindi naman kita iiwan... nandito lang ako..." She giggled tenderly.

I was completely sane and sated by just that voice.

Hinagkan ko siya at ibinaon ang aking mukha sa kanyang leeg.

Her presence was swimming in my veins. My mind was jacked up with the only thought of her.

My eyes snapped open. I was breathing so hard and heavy. It was a lovely dream. She was smiling at me prettily, reassuring me.

That one was of the gloomiest consequences. The more I dream about it, the pain accentuated.

Bumalik ako sa aking diwa nang marinig ang katok sa pintuan ng aking kwarto. Hindi ako nag-atubiling buksan iyon.

Kung sino ka man, magsalita ka na.

"May bisita ka, Kuya!"

It was Khalid.

"Sino!?" I shouted.

"Si ate Fritz!"

"Tell her to go home!" tugon ko.

"At least have some decency, Kuya! May importante ata siyang sasabihin sa'yo!" Khalid was like throwing shade at me.

Bumaba ako dahil kapag ang bunso na namin ang nagmungkahi, wala akong laban. Medyo nagtaka ako sa itsura ni Fritz.

She liked dressing up like a hooker. Her hair was perfectly perm now with light make-up. She was wearing a furry cardigan, a furry lavender hat, a plain skirt, and cute heart-shaped earrings. Is she was trying to imitate Angel?

"Anong ginagawa mo dito?" I sat down with a grievous sigh.

Umupo siya sa aking tabi. Umusog ako agad.

"I just want to visit you, Drake, I know what pain she caused you. I'm here to keep you company..."

It was a million no for me. I wouldn't find someone else to vent my frustrations, my heartaches, and anger — just to keep me company. I would only do it if its —Angel. Not her or somebody else.

"She didn't hurt me at all. I am the one who caused the problem. Ako ang may kasalanan..."

My strong petulance made me declare my mistakes.

Angel never caused pain to me. I was the one who cause so much pain to her and to myself.

Pinatong niya ang kanyang kamay sa aking hita. Inalis ko agad ang kamay niya na parang nandidiri.

"You know I'm always here for you. You can–"

I occupied the opposite seat when she was in the midst of touching my face.

"No. I don't want you here. Umuwi ka na, Fritz. I hope you will never visit me again."

She bit her lower lip in annoyance.

"You're so stubborn, Drake! Please, you need help! I am the one who can help you!" sumabog na siya sa inis.

"Huwag ka ng bumalik dito, Fritz. Respeto nalang para sa akin at para sa sarili mo. I just want to clarify na wala ka ng aasahan sa akin. Ni katiting wala! Kasi matagal na tayong wala! Si Anghel nalang talaga ang nandito..." I put my hand to the ride side part of my chest where emotions were delicate.

"Wala ng espasyo para sayo...para sa iba.."

"She left you." Huminga siya ng malalim. "We might work out. I can fix you."

She was now part of my biggest pet peeves. Ang klaro na ng sinabi ko. Hindi niya parin maintindihan!

"No. I'm devoted to her. She's my finish line. Point without blank. And I can fix myself."

Fixing myself? Well – I don't know if I can do that! I just want to get rid of her!

"Okay! I give up! Bwiset!"

She stormed out.

Nagpalabas ako ng hangin. Hindi ako tinukso nina Drexter at Russel. Hindi sila nakialam sa usapan pero nakinig naman. They were playing a table tennis at the far corner.

"May mga bisita ka ulit, Kuya Drake." Khalid informed me again.

"Sino?"

Bakit ang dami ko yatang bisita ngayong araw? Mamatay na ba ako nito?

"Sina Ate Bonita at Kirsteen..."

***

"Bro!" tawag ni Drexter kay Khalid na umaakyat sa itaas. "Huwag ka munang lumabas ng kwarto mo, please. Study first!"

Binigyan niya ito ng ekspresyon na nagsasabing, 'baka ikaw ang dapat mag-study first, Kuya?'

"Huwag puro marvel movies!"

Tumango lang ang bunso namin at tumungo na sa kanyang kwarto.

"Bonita, eyes on me." mando ni Drexter kay Bonita.

She rolled her eyes and glared at him. Then her eyes narrowed at me, critically. I know that I would be in a hot seat.

"You're probably wondering, Drake, why we're here." She paused with a lift of her eyebrow. "We would like to inform you that you're the reason behind all of this disastrous drama, jughead..." Bonita was spitting fire of pure honesty at me.

"Tama lahat ng sinabi mo, Bonita. Kasalanan lahat ng kapatid ko." bulong ni Drexter sa gilid ko.

Sumimangot si Bonita. Tila gustong katayin si Drexter. Ayokong gumawa ng gulo sa harapan ng mga kaibigan ni Angel. Nanatiling nakatikom ang bibig ko.

"You can't control your mind, Drake. Kaya nagawa mo iyon." dagdag ni Kirsteen.

"That's right. I agree with you. Marami sigurong ipis sa ulo sa mga oras na iyon..." Russel nodded his head at her.

Kirsteen blinked her eyes a couple of times at my brother and looked away. Russel was broadly grinning as if her awkwardness entertained him.

"You have the volition to change, dakog ulo. Gather yourself again. Do you think Angel will like you acting like this? Isa pang kabalustugan at ililibing ka namin ng buhay!" matalim na payo ni Bonita sa akin.

"Ang sarap sa ears. Sermonan mo rin ako, baby kisses." puna ni Drexter.

"Can you shut up?" asik ni Bonita sa kanya.

Drexter zipped his mouth obediently.

"I will try. I'm sorry sa ginawa ko sa kaibigan niyo..." I sincerely apologized.

Pinagkatiwalaan nila ako pero naging desperado ako.

"Aba'y dapat lang!" Bonita sniffed.

"I'm sorry if I disappointed you..."

Pinisil ni Kirsteen ang kamay ni Bonita para pakalmahin siya.

"Hindi na siguro kami magtatagal..." paalam ni Kirsteen.

"Ang bilis naman. Mainit pa sa labas. Dito muna kayo. Ipagluluto namin kayo, diba bro?" dagliang siniko ni Russel si Drexter na ngayon ay parang nagayuma na sa kamalditahan ni Bonita.

Palihim kong pinatid ang binti ni Drexter nang hindi parin siya sumasagot. Ngayon ay nakanganga na ang buang.

"Ipagluto niyo sila. Kalalaki niyong mga tao..."

"Hindi na kailangan." Kirsteen shook her head.

"Hayaan mo na kami. Ngayon lang kayo nakapunta dito." katwiran ni Russel na halatang gusto pang makasama ng matagal si Church girl.

My brothers were rollicking with mirth when they agreed to stay a little longer. We were all the same, just fools in love.

***

"Ang problema talaga sa mga kabataan ngayon ay mga self-destructive, impulsive, and aggressive. Dapat makinig muna sa mga nakakatanda nang hindi lumihis ang landas." parinig ni Uncle Dwight.

"Nanahimik na ako..."

Dinadamay niya ang problema ng mga kabataan sa gusto niya para sa akin. He was constantly nagging me to join him in Manila.

"Pumayag ka na, Drake. This will surely be worth it for you. I will train you to be a professional car racer in my own racetrack. It takes time and patience to do that. But I know you can do it, because you have a blood of a racer. You're a Mathildo. Nagmana ka kay Lolo. Sumama ka sa akin, pamangkin. Maraming opportunities na naghihintay sayo sa Maynila."

This might be the fifth time. He was using his refining influence. He was using my blood racer that I inherited from my grandfather.

"Not interested..."

I was still in the red cloud of angst. I had to contemplate. I swallowed the bottle of brandy. I hijacked our radio to my room. Bon Jovi's song 'always' was making my veins twang.

It's been raining since you left me

You see, I've always been a fighter

But without you, I give up

Khalid gave me my dinner with a William Shakespeare note:

"Go wisely and slowly. Those who rush stumble and fall." – William Shakespeare

In the midst of confusion, stupor and despair, it woke up something in me. That was Khalid's substance. I admired our youngest even more.

"Kailangan mong dumalo sa graduation o hindi na namin ibabalik ang Yamaha mo.." banti ni Kuya Ranger.

Dumalo ako. Kahit hindi ko siya kasama. My family never asked me for anything inconsequential.

My father had given me his support and his approval endlessly, even when it put himself at risk.

I owed them at least the opportunity to try to mend what was fractured.

I was extremely agitated of the things that beyond my control. I had never failed in a game race. I was always the winner. But it was obvious I lose.

I paced up too soon where honestly that I should just slow it down. We would be there soon, but I pushed my own self to the cliff.

I cried in Nanay Hermina's arms, wearing my toga with a medal around my neck as one of the outstanding researchers of the year.

I couldn't really take the despair and the swelling pain in my heart. All the pressures of my accumulated wrongdoings, I realized my actions were sophomoric.

***

One Sunday morning, I was miraculously sane again.

"About the training you're talking about, Uncle. I'm interested now. Sasama ako sayo sa Maynila."

My father and my brothers were looking at me with wide eyes. That was probably the sanest thing I said after the reeling of events.

"I'm ready to drive now."

I was on the right track. We were on a good track, but my impatience killed me and sabotaged everything.

There were rides I have to take alone.

If we bumped at the same road again, whatever it takes, my love for her would always drift.

PERIEDOT