.• ❀ •.

My skateboard sunk into the branches and leaves after I tossed it into a bush beside McKay's house. I crashed onto the ground a bit harder than I had expected. I hoped that it was broken but I needed a new way anyway, so I didn't worry about it too much. I didn't feel like carrying it around the whole party, but I didn't really have anywhere else to put it. Last time I showed up to a party with my board, I left it beside the door, where someone drunkenly stole it. I hate thieves sometimes. I figured that no one would think to look in a bush though. Even if they would, I was too high right now to come up with any other hiding place.

I squeezed through a couple making out in the middle of the front door as I walked into McKay's house. The two didn't bother to even notice me as they went right back to locking lips.

Music blared out of speakers that were placed throughout each room. The bass made the entire house shake. I grabbed onto the arms of random people to balance myself as I stumbled around McKay's house. I was going to keep walking around until I bumped into someone I knew. I wasn't exactly sure why I even came to the party, since I was only going for Reina and her drugs. I knew she'd be around her somewhere, probably selling to some poor freshman. They were so young and naive, easy targets and customers.

I found myself wandering through the center of the living room, where many people were dancing and swaying to the deafening music. Everyone was surrounded around me, while I was being pushed into others. I felt like I was a punching bag being hit repeatedly, until I finally fell out of the sea of drunken teenagers.

"Hey Mar."

I glanced up to Maddie with a small smile on her face. She was sitting on Tyler's lap. Her arms were draped around his neck in a flirtatious manner.

We knew each other because our parents were good friends. Every time they would get together, Maddie and I were always forced to come along. It didn't take long before the two of us became friends though, and even after our parents grew apart from regular life reasons, Maddie and I still remained friends. The two of us would occasionally get high, along with the addition of Reina, but she didn't like to take drugs too often. Maddie was big on health and her physical appearance, while I didn't mind the effects as long as I found a way to escape the real world. Maddie and I were able to find a common ground through fashion and the two of us being Latina. We might not be the closest of friends, but we were always there for each other when the other one needed someone to lean on.

"Oh, hi Maddie," I replied. My voice had that faraway sounding effect again, but I was almost sure that it was because the music was just so loud. I felt like I had sobered up a bit since being at Reina's house, but I was still too high for this shit right now. "Is your sister here?" I asked Tyler. I found it kind of strange for him to be at a high school partying, but I didn't judge him too much for it. A party's a party.

"Half sister," Tyler corrected me.

"Sorry, I forgot you don't like to associate with her," I replied with a soft chuckle. Maddie quirked a brow, giving me one of those 'are you high looks,' which I responded to with a nod and toothy smile.

Tyler smirked at my joke. "Reina's dealing to some freshman upstairs," he stated casually. I knew it. She was too predictable. The poor kids are probably wasting all of their money since it's their first time encountering drugs. Kids have got to stop watching movies and tv shows about drugs. If they want to learn a thing or two they should just use the dark web. Surprisingly, it's more reliable.

"You'll never guess who I saw on the way over here," Maddie spoke up. She had a small smile painted on her pretty lips. I raised my eyebrows and waited for her to clarify. "Rue."

"Rue who?" I questioned her. Then, it clicked. "Rue Bennett?" Maddie just nodded. I threw my hands over my cheeks as my jaw nearly dropped. "No way!"

"Turns out she's not dead," Maddie remarked. She laughed softly as she shook her head in disbelief. Her brown hair swayed below her shoulders.

I had always liked Maddie's hair. I liked her dark eyes too. I also liked way she dressed and how she did her makeup. If there was one thing I liked most about Maddie though, it was her confidence. She always knew how to capture everyone's attention. Whenever Maddie walked into the room, every girl and boy turned their heads just to catch a glimpse at her beauty. I know that I definitely turned her way.

When I was younger, I questioned myself a lot about whether I wanted to be Maddie or be with Maddie. We spent a lot of time together because of our parents, so we had gotten to know each other pretty well. We hung out and had sleepovers just like every other girl would. The only difference was I had started to find myself feeling certain things about my friend that I knew other girls might not have been feeling about theirs.

I remember the third sleepover we had. Maddie had invited me over to her house for the first time instead of mine, which we usually went to. When I got to her place, we did the usual sleepover stuff: eat salads for dinner—much to my dislike and her diet at the time—watch cliche movies about love and hope we met someone just like the main character had, have her mom paint our nails even after she had a long day doing that exact thing at work, and end the night gossiping away in her bedroom. Maddie was always talking about other people. Sometimes it was in a good way, but most times it was in a bad way. She was the type of girl to start drama only for her amusement. I didn't mind much though. I was an easy-going person, mostly because I was always stoned, but more because I enjoyed the occasional chaos. At that time though, I wasn't high or even using drugs yet.

Maddie had always been an open person when it came to talking about herself or showing off her body. Even at such a young age, she knew exactly who she was and who she wanted to be. I always admired that about her. Personally, I wasn't quite sure about what I wanted out of life, which was the complete opposite from her. If I'm being completely honest, Reina wasn't kidding when she said I was the 'dumbest bitch she knew.' I was, in fact, pretty stupid. I've always had to deal with teachers and adults telling me that I 'lack direction.' I kind of found it funny that the older people, who are miserable with their lives, are always telling this to the younger generation as if we're not trying to solve all of the world's problems that they caused in the first place.

Another reason most people call me dumb is because I failed my sophomore year and got held back because I had an 'F' in math. Now, I know a lot of people struggle with the subject, but I'm the type of person who just can't seem to grasp anything at all. I swear, the numbers and letters just keep changing and moving whenever I'm staring at an equation. It's almost like my vision when I'm high but most days I'm sober in school, or at least mostly sober. You'd think someone who's been exposed to drugs for almost their whole life would know how to deal with numbers. I just can't seem to wrap my head around any of it.

Anyway.. back to Maddie.

I was laying down on her bed and remember her talking about some boy she had recently met in one of her classes. She met a new boy almost everyday so it was hard to keep track of exactly who she was talking about, which was why I usually just nodded along and tried to listen. She wasn't boy crazy or anything. She just had a lot of boys that were in love with her.

While she was talking my ears off about the physical description of this boy she had met earlier, she began to strip off her clothes to change into her pajamas. I was so shocked that she would just casually undress herself right in front of me. I was even more shocked with her developed and pretty her body was, especially at such a young age. Although I immediately glanced away when I saw her changing, this was the first time where I found myself starting to think of her in a different way.

I didn't let my newfound crush on her get in the way of our friendship. I hated when people made things awkward like that. I never told Maddie about how I felt or how I thought I felt either. I started to lose feelings for her as we grew up. It was clear that she was very much into guys, while I didn't really have a preference at all.

I chuckled softly to myself, "It's a good thing she's back. I think I need a new dealer."

Tyler tilted his head slightly to the side. "I thought you got your drugs from Reina," he said unsurely.

"I do," I replied. My eyes narrowed in thought. "Or I did. I think we got into a fight or something."

"You think?" Tyler questioned me.

"Well, I was very high when it happened.. or didn't happen," I clarified. "I'm still confused as to what went down and what I hallucinated."

Drugs really fuck up perception.

"I saw Rue walk outside a few minutes ago," Maddie commented. "She looked like she was on something already."

I nodded firmly. "Great. Looks like I'm in luck."

Tyler and Maddie smirked at my antics as I turned on my heel and walked away from the pair. As I made my way towards the back door, I caught the infamous Nate Jacobs glaring at Maddie from across the house in the kitchen. I never liked that guy. I didn't have a reason for not liking him though. He just rubbed me the wrong way. When him and Maddie were together, I mostly just kept my opinions about him on the down low. I didn't want to upset her because she was really in love with him.

I had to walk through the kitchen to get outside. Half of the people in their were taking shots or on the verge of passing out from drinking too much alcohol. I wasn't much of a drinker. Of course, I've experimented a bit but the taste of liquor itself was just nasty in my opinion. It was so bitter. Plus, when you're drunk all you get is spontaneous courage and boldness to do anything. If I want to feel something, then drugs were my number one go-to. I'd much rather be seeing some fucked up visions than drunk texting an ex or something. Not that I had many exes to text anyway. I've only been in three relationships. Two of them were with guys during my freshman year, Tommy and some other guy whose name starts with a J. Both were short lived because I fall into this weird cycle of liking someone, getting into a relationship with them, and then becoming bored, which is when I break things off.

The other relationship I had was a three month fling with this girl I met over the summer. Her name was Lilly and we met on the boardwalk when it was around two in the morning. Lilly and I really hit it off. We started dating a few days after we had met, but broke up by the end of August because it was just one of those things you do with people you meet over the summer. It was a shame that we ended things so abruptly. I could've actually started catching feelings for her, but the more I thought about it, the more fake and cliche it began to sound. Flings rarely ever last.

I was all for love and relationships but I needed someone who was on the same wavelength as me.

Once I made it to McKay's backyard, I saw Rue lounging on a couch by the pool. Her head was tilted up towards the sky while her limbs were sprawled out. It only took one glance at her for me to tell that she was high right now. "So much for rehab," I exclaimed with a smile.

Rue turned over her shoulder and met my eyes. Her lips tilted upwards but she was only able to make half a grin. "You would've fucking loved it," she joked.

I took a seat next to her on the couch and lifted my legs up onto the glass table in front of me. "Debatable," I replied. Out of the many years that I have been using drugs, I have never been sent to rehab. My parents weren't exactly hippies per se, but they were the type of laid back people who let their kids have space and freedom to find and express themselves in any way. Besides, I was good at hiding my secrets. Neither my dad or my mom had any idea about my 'addiction,' if that's what most people would call it. Personally, I would just say I use drugs because I like them— simple as that—but I figured that's probably what all drug addicts say, so maybe I was really addicted after all. "I need a favor," I told Rue.

"What's up?" She asked. Her words were a bit slurred and slow. Her pupils were dilated too. No matter how hard she tried to keep her eyes on mine, she just couldn't focus.

Rue and I had met at a party around the same time the two of us were beginning to get into drugs. We were both tripping on something weird that night because I think we had one of those shared visions.

Since Maddie rarely took drugs with me, I started hanging out with Rue and Reina whenever I wanted to get high. I usually don't like using drugs when I'm alone because its kind of depressing. I also don't want to accidentally die or something and have my body undiscovered until I'm just bones. I watch a lot of drug intervention shows on tv just to keep up with my knowledge on own habits. It's quite ironic actually.. a person taking drugs watching another addict, who's being forced to quit. I don't think I'll ever quit using. My life gets kind of boring.

Back to what I was saying.. the three of us spent a lot of weekends together at Reina's house. Her room was filled with trippy posters and tapestries that glowed in the dark whenever she turned her LED lights on. It was the perfect place if you really wanted to start tripping.

Because of all of the time we spent together, we became good friends right up until Rue was sent to rehab after overdosing. I remember when I first heard about what had happened to her. I was really unsettled about the whole 'almost dying' thing. The news sobered me up a bit and made me take a short break from drugs. Of course, I had already known about the consequences of using drugs—death being the most apparent—but I didn't really take it seriously until I heard that Rue was in the hospital. No matter how many times I say my life is boring, I still don't want to stop living it.

My brief break from drugs only lasted about a week and a half before Reina texted me:

Rain

special deliveryy

huh?

ya know.. ;)

i don't actually..

for fucks sake
i'm talking about drugs

ohh
cool cool

you still doing that intervention bs?

it's not bs
i'm doing this shit for Rue
and so i don't die.. but mostly for Rue

Rue would want us to do this
why do you think she's in rehab in the first place?

cause she almost died??

come on Mar
i got pcp!
1:32am

i'm out front
1:42am

In my defense, she was very persuasive.

"I need you to hook me up with a new dealer," I told Rue. Her eyes narrowed in question so I continued to explain, "Long story short, Reina and I might have gotten into a fight. All I know is that I was pretty blazed, and it ended in her saying she wouldn't sell drugs to me anymore."

Rue nodded along. She thought to herself for a moment before replying, "You're in luck.. Here comes my dealer right now."

"What the fuck, Rue?" I heard man call out from behind the two of us. I raised my brows and glanced over to where she was staring.

"What?" Rue sighed. "What? What? What? What?" I wish I was on whatever she was on right now. I wasn't nearly as high as I should be, especially at a party.

The man took a seat beside me. He appeared to be around my age, or maybe a year or two older. He had dark brown hair that had been shaved down to his head, along with a subtle beard that was auburn. His wide, blue eyes had green rings that sparkled in the darkness of the night. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I had found him attractive.

"Come on now, bruh," he said slowly. He was definitely high too. This was almost unfair. "You owe me a hundred and twenty bucks." He placed his leg on the table next to my own.

"My bad, man, I forgot," Rue said.

"Shit," he sighed as he shook his head. "You know I ain't trippin'." The man brought a blunt to his lips and then blew out the smoke. "To be honest with you, your whole drug shit got me feeling kind of uneasy."

Suddenly, I felt like this was a conversation I shouldn't be apart of. I didn't like thinking about Rue's trip to the hospital or her time spent in rehab because I didn't want to end up there myself.

"Come on," Rue replied. "Don't go soft on me, Fez." She chuckled but Fez and I feigned a smile. I think it was clear that we were both serious about what Rue had gone through recently.

Fez shook his head. "No, I'm not.. It's just that I like you. And I missed you, bruh. That shit at the beginning of the summer had me scared as fuck."

"Yeah," Rue said quietly. She seemed to sober up a bit at the mentioning of that. "You and everybody else."

"I'm serious, Rue," Fez sighed. "I've seen a lot of people die.. None like you." I glanced at Fez and the two of us met each other's eyes for a moment before I looked away. "I don't know what type of fucked up shit you got going inside your head. I don't know how to help, but I could tell you one thing. This drug shit? It's not the answer."

Rue was quiet for a few moments as she thought to herself. "You know," she spoke up. "I remember when I was eleven years old. It was a couple months after my dad got diagnosed, and we got the results back from the prognosis. It was really good.. It was like, eighty-twenty, so we decided to celebrate. We ordered a bunch of Chinese food." She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts and then she laughed softly to herself. I sank down into the couch. I didn't mind deep conversations, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind right now. "I remember that night, I was laying between my parents in bed, and all the sudden I couldn't breath. It was like there was no more air left in the world. I was gasping and I was panicking.. And they called the ambulance and they thought it was like.. an allergic reaction or some shit. And then when I got to the hospital, they gave me liquid Valium to calm me down. When it hit me, I thought, this is it. This is the feeling I have been searching for my entire life, for as long as I can remember.. Because, suddenly, the world went quiet. And I felt in my own head." Fez's eyes kept wandering around the backyard. It was clear that he felt saddened by this conversation. I know I definitely did. I refused to look anywhere else but at my own shoes, which were still propped up on the table beside Fez. "Two years later, he was gone. Panic attacks stayed.. You still gonna be my deal, Fez?"

Fez shook his head slowly. I wasn't sure how anyone could even respond to that but he did anyway. "You a fucking trip, bruh." Rue smirked and laughed at his reaction. "I'm too high to be having this conversation right now.

"Yeah, man, me too," Rue agreed. "Me fucking too."

"Wish I could say the same," I remarked. So much for pre-gaming. Thanks a lot Reina.

Rue's eyes seemed to widen suddenly as she remembered our conversation from earlier. "Fez, this is Mar Soto."

"Weird name," Fez interrupted.

"Thanks," I replied. "You too." He kind of half smirked.

"She needs a new dealer so I thought you and Ashtray could hook her up," Rue spoke up again.

"Yeah, 'course," Fez replied. He turned to me with a small smile as he handed me his blunt. "Any homie of Rue is a homie of mine."

I took a puff of the blunt and immediately felt myself relax a bit more. "Thanks."

Off in the distance, I saw a crowd of people circled around McKay's pool. Half of them were either standing besides someone or squatted at the edge of the water. Everyone had their phones out and flash on as they recorded something. I heard chants and laughter, along with an angry Nate Jacobs, who had just pushed his way through the crowd. "Yeah, that's real classy, you fucking whore."

"Suck my dick," Maddie exclaimed. The entire crowd cheered her on, which sent Nate into a furious frenzy.

I threw my head back and sighed, "I gotta go." I stood up and handed Fez's blunt back to him. "Pleasure doing business with ya," I said with a wink. "Adios." I was a bit out of it though so I might have just blinked. He probably wouldn't have noticed either way because Fez was definitely higher than me right now.

"Back at you," Fez called out.

I walked off and left Rue and Fez as I made my way towards the pool. I didn't bother saying 'excuse me' when I pushed my way through the crowd of people. As I neared the front of the cluster, I could see Maddie and Tyler in a heated make-out session within the water. I squatted down to me knees and called out to her, "Ay, Maddie!" Her lips pulled away from Tyler's as she turned to look at me. "Come on. Get out of the water."

"Don't be boring, Mar," Maddie remarked. I hated when other people called me boring. It was like they were telling me shit I already knew, which pissed me off even more. I would let this one slide though because I could tell that Maddie had a few shots before this. Her lips pulled into a smirk. "Join us."

The crowd cheered once again and some random guy shouted, "THREESOME!"

I rolled my eyes. "There will be no threesomes tonight," I declared. That statement was probably untrue. There's always at least one threesome at every party. "All you horny perverts can fuck off now." I watched as a few people shamefully left the scene. Fucking creeps. "Let's leave," I said, turning my attention back to Maddie.

"Fine," she huffed in annoyance. Maddie hopped off of Tyler and swam over to the steps. Before she got out of the water, she grabbed her clothes on the side of the pool and put them back on. When she walked back into the house, everyone outside seemed to lose interest in everything that just happened as they wandered elsewhere.

I shot Tyler a disappointed look as I tossed him his own clothing that had been laying besides Maddie's. "I can see your polla," I retorted, unimpressed. Before he could say anything in response, I stood back up and walked back into the house. I walked over to the front door and back outside, where I saw BB, Maddie, and Kat getting into Maddie's car. I quickly pulled my skateboard out of the bush I had thrown it in earlier and then ran across the street to catch up with them.

BB gave me a once-over as she chuckled, "Where the hell you been, Soto?"

"Fuck if I know," I replied. She laughed softly as the four of us slid into the car and drove off into the night.