INGGO goes back to the Kuya Inggo Rinn knows.

The one before that night and before the kiss in the car.

The one who waves and smiles when he sees her and doesn't hold her gaze. The one who goes to lunch with one girl and goes to dinner with another. The one who didn't know na takot siya sa SOM Forest and na she can play good basketball, too.

No more hanging out alone. No more spontaneous bike rides at night. No more kissing and touching and thinking about his best friend's fucking sister—

"Kuya!"

Sabay nag-turn ang ulo ni Inggo at ni Migo sa boses na 'yon. Kalalabas lang nila from Berchmans papuntang Gonzaga.

He swallows thickly seeing Rinn's head pop out of Migo's car window, waving excitedly.

"Oh my God—Mau!" Migo runs over. "Kakagaling lang nito sa repair shop!"

"I know, kaya kinuha ko and sinundo kita." Rinn smiles proudly. "Get in!"

"Anong get in, ikaw ang mag-get out!"

"Hay nako, Kuya. I need to practice my driving din."

"Not in my car."

She raises an eyebrow. "Sabi ni Mama patay ka sa kanya if you don't let me drive it."

Hindi natuwa si Migo do'n.

Migo grits his teeth and glares at her. "Fine. 'Wag mo 'kong papatayin, ikakasal pa 'ko kay Valle and aanakan ko pa."

Kadiri, punyetang punyemas kinginang gago—

"Ew!" sabi rin ni Rinn, disgust on her face. "I love Ate Jiya, but shut up, Kuya. Kadiri ka. Pumasok ka na nga, aren't we picking her up?"

Lumapit si Cas, giving her a high-five. "Uy, Mau! Are you our chauffeur today?"

She clears her throat. "Pwede na." Her gaze goes to him, and he stills. "Hi Kuya Anton, Kuya Inggo."

Her voice is small, but she's smiling at him.

Fuck.

Anton opens the door sa backseat and ruffles her hair, and Inggo doesn't want to do this.

He doesn't want to, but he needs Rinn to know.

Walang nagbago sa kanila. Nakikita niya siyang nagf-flirt with girls 'pag nadadaanan nila ang isa't isa around Katip, pero one more clear message won't hurt, right?

He steps backward and looks at his phone. "Hi, Rinn. Sorry 'di ako makakasabay. May pupuntahan pala ako."

Migo turns to him with a smirk. "Sino na naman 'yan, bro?"

Ayan si Migo. He knows kung ga'no ka-fuckboy si Inggo, kaya hinding-hindi siya papayag kung mangyayari man si Inggo at Rinn.

Sa dinami-rami ba naman ng mga lumabas-pasok ng condo nila, what did he expect?

Even if Inggo wanted to, he could never convince Migo Rinn would be—is—different.

At gets naman niya. Kung siya si Migo, he wouldn't want someone like himself around his little sister.

So ang nasagot niya sa tanong niya: well, 'di rin naman niya kasi alam, tangina naman. "Basta."

"Ah, 'di maalala pangalan." Cas snorts. "Baka honey number four ang contact name."

"Four? Baka thirty-one," sabi ni Anton, tapos natawa sila pareho. "Bro, so what you say in bed is 'honey' ba para hindi ka magkamali sa pangalan?"

"Shut the fuck up, assholes," Inggo answers, jaw clenching. Shit. "Alis na nga ako." He claps Migo on the back and turns around.

Does what Inggo de Paz does best:

Drink. Party. Smoke. Fuck.

Sleep alone.

*

The summer goes by.

Dahil may klase sila, madalang nakakauwi si Migo sa bahay nila, which means hindi rin nakakabisita si Inggo. When they do, halos parating wala si Rinn, nasa labas with her friends and making the most out of the break before school.

Hindi niya alam kung sigh of relief ba o disappointment ang lumalabas sa bibig niya kapag wala si Rinn. Ang gago niya talaga.

Hindi rin niya alam kung bakit siya tumigil sa labas ng laundry room nang makitang naka-bend over si Rinn sa washing machine, nagpapasok ng mga damit.

Naka-denim shorts lang siya and a tank top.

Ahhh. Gustong suntukin ni Inggo sarili niya nang ang una niyang isipin is hindi pa nila nagagawa from behind.

Tapos gusto pa niya ng isa pang suntok nang ang pangalawa niyang isipin is pwede niya siyang yakapin mula sa likuran, put his chin above her head or on her shoulder, inhale her scent and kiss her neck.

Hindi alam ni Inggo kung ga'no siya katagal nakatayo do'n, pero it's been long enough for her to notice someone else's presence. She faces him, wide-eyed. "Kuya Inggo."

Ahhh. Parang tinusok-tusok si Inggo sa likuran niya from her breathy voice and her eyes on him.

Naka-bun ang hair niya, strands falling over her face. Inggo clenches his hands into fists and leans against the door. "Hi, Rinn."

She gives him a small smile and runs the machine. Then she ducks past him without looking at him again and goes up the stairs.

Wala nang small talk small talk. 'Di kagaya ng dati.

Shit, he screwed up bad. Ngayon, iniiwasan siya ni Rinn?

'Di ba 'yon naman gusto mo? sabi ng putanginang konsensiya niya. You made it clear to her na wala nang mangyayari sa inyo.

Oo na, puta naman, inis na sagot ni Inggo, punching the wall with his fist before turning back to the living room.

At oo, 'yon naman din ang gusto niya. He won't be the one to break her heart.

Pero SHIT. Hinding-hindi niya alam kung bakit, instead na umuwi na siya galing library with his group for their homework, ay sinusundan niya ang kotse na sinakyan ni Rinn sa Gonzaga.

His hands tighten on the steering wheel as he follows close behind. Nasa passenger seat si Rinn, hindi sa likod, so sinundo talaga siya ng kung sinong gagong 'to. Inggo has half a mind to call Migo for backup, pero baka naman ito 'yong Gab na sinabi niya?

Pero bakit siya susunduin sa school? At bakit parang ilang na ilang si Rinn when she climbed in the car, holding tight to her bag strap?

Sinabi ni Inggo sa sarili niya that he's just worried. 'Yon lang. When he sees na safe si Rinn, he'll leave.

Nag-stop ang car nila sa isang restaurant. He parks the car and gets out.

Nagulat na lang si Inggo nang nakatayo sa harap niya si Rinn, a look of anger—or confusion—on her face. Naka-pink siya na dress that ends above the knee and a cropped denim jacket. Inggo swallows thickly at the rush of his body—'yong puso niya kumakalabog bigla, tapos 'yong pantalon niya sumisikip bigla. Tangina naman.

"Why are you following me?" tanong ni Rinn in a quiet tone, furrowing her eyebrows together. "Leave."

O, e 'di mas lalo pang nagulat si Inggo. Never—never siyang kinausap nang ganito ni Rinn. Hindi nga niya alam na marunong siyang maging cold.

In a hard voice, he responds, "Sino muna kasama mo?"

"None of your business," sabi niya. "Your class ended hours ago, pa'no mo 'ko nakita sa school?"

Inggo almost smiles. "Keeping track of my sched, Rinn?"

"Parehas lang kayo ni Kuya Migo ng sched," she answers flatly, not amused.

Ah, shit. Pahiya ka, ampota. "I followed you because I was worried."

"You don't need to be," sabi ni Rinn, not blinking. "You're not my brother."

Para na rin siyang nasampal do'n.

Parang sinasabi ni Rinn na ang kapatid niya lang ang may karapatan na mag-worry sa kanya.

Wala na do'n si Inggo.

His stomach drops. "Rinn—"

"Mau." A tall figure steps forward behind her, face etched in concern. There's gray on his hair and wrinkles on his suit.

Kamukhang-kamukha ni Migo. Tatay nila.

"I told you to wait inside," sabi ni Rinn without looking at him.

"Tito," bati ni Inggo. Ngayon niya lang nakilala si Michael Salas.

"Inggo?" tanong niya with a smile, reaching his hand out. "You're Migo's best friend, right?"

"Opo."

"Nag-dinner ka na ba? Why don't you join us?"

Rinn lets out a breath and turns around, stalking inside the restaurant.

Inggo bites his lip. "Parang ayaw po ni Rinn, e."

Her dad looks sheepish, smiling sadly and watching his daughter walk away. "No, ang ayaw niya is makasama ako. Baka if you're there, she'll loosen up a bit. Sheryl said close ka sa mga anak ko, so...please."

Hindi alam ni Inggo kung pa'no tumanggi nang alam niyang this is the last place on earth Rinn wants to be.

It's tense. It's tense and awkward and uncomfortable, lalo na nang umupo si Inggo sa tabi ni Rinn and she scoots as far away from him as possible, like he has a contagious disease. She stays there for the rest of the meal, stiff and poking around her plate.

Wow. Ang sakit palang itaboy.

"Mau, how's school?" tanong ng tatay niya with a smile after twenty minutes of silence.

"Summer ngayon," she answers dryly, raising her eyebrow.

Michael purses his lips. "Yeah, I know that."

"E bakit ka nagtanong?"

Even Inggo winces.

Michael sighs. "Um, what about your plans for your birthday, then? You're turning nineteen. May gusto ka bang gawin o puntahan?"

"Wala."

Hindi alam ni Inggo na ganito ka-hostile si Rinn sa tatay niya. Hindi niya rin alam bakit siya pumayag sa dinner na 'to kung halatang it would be better for her to stick her feet in quicksand. Si Migo nga, hindi pumayag. Why is she putting herself—and her dad—through this?

"We can go to Disneyland," her dad suggests, smiling. "Tayong lahat. O baka naman you want a car of your own. Sabi ni Mama you're practicing your driving."

Rinn drops her fork on the table and stares at him. "Sabi ko wala akong gusto. Nothing from you." She wipes her lips with her napkin, then takes her bag. "Tapos na tayo kumain. May I leave now?"

"Sandali lang, Mau," Michael whispers, panicked, swallowing thickly. "Sandali lang...um, kumakain ka ba nang maayos? Kamusta condo mo? Yellow pa rin ba favorite color mo o nagbago na? Gumagamit ka pa rin ba ng nightlight?"

Her fingers are fisting her the hem of her dress under the table.

Without thinking, Inggo puts his hand on her thigh.

Rinn inhales sharply, making him brush his fingers on her skin. And, as if compelled to give her more, Inggo's hand slides up and down her thigh. Gently. Softly.

"Oo. Good. Hindi na. Oo."

She doesn't look at him, but Inggo watches the side of her face. Her jaw is still tight, her eyes hard, but her breathing is erratic and unstable.

Inggo's fingers curl around the inside of her leg.

It's not even for him. It's to soothe her anger. To let her know he's here and it's okay to lean on him.

"Mau, I'm sorry," Michael rushes out. "Alam kong hindi ako naging tatay—"

"Si Kuya Migo ang tatay ko," sabi ni Rinn, keeping her voice as steady as possible. "Sa kanya ko binigay first dance sa debut ko. Sa kanya ako umiiyak 'pag may nagpapaiyak sa 'kin. Sa kanya ako tumatakbo 'pag may kailangan ako, sa kanya ako nagpapaturo mag-parallel park at magpalit ng tire, siya ang tinatawag ko 'pag wala akong sundo o kasamang umuwi. Hindi kita kailangan."

She swipes Inggo's hand away from her knee, shocking him, and stands up, rushing out of the booth.

"Mau, don't walk away," her dad snaps, standing up to follow her.

"You taught me how," is Rinn's heartbreaking response before the door closes behind her.

Pinigilan ni Inggo si Michael. "Tito, I'll take her home."

Hindi na siya nakipag-argue.

Hindi na rin nakipag-away si Rinn nang buksan ni Inggo ang door sa passenger side niya. It's either him or her father, e.

The silence is killing him. He can feel her withdrawal, her distance, like she seems so far away when she's right here beside him and he can smell her intoxicating scent. His hand is itching to go back to her thigh, to reach over and take her hand...but he doesn't.

Before he can even think of anything to say, Rinn breaks the silence. "Happy meal."

"Ha?" Inggo blurts out immediately, stunned, glancing at her.

But she's still looking out the window. "Happy meal. 'Yon talaga gusto ko sa nineteenth ko. I asked for that on the birthday before he left."

Inggo's fingers flex on the wheel.

Ayaw ni Inggo manhusga. Hindi naman siya Salas. He knows what Migo had to do to take care of his family, pero Inggo didn't live through it.

Hindi rin niya alam kung paanong kaya ng isang tao mag-walk away from Migo. Tita Sheryl. Meg.

Maureen.

"Don't tell Kuya Migo I agreed to dinner with Michael," Rinn says wearily, putting a hand over her forehead. Pagod na pagod na. "I only said yes kasi I was curious what he wanted to talk about. Kuya doesn't need to know."

Inggo nods once. Then he clears his throat and starts quietly, "Rinn—"

"Can you drive me to Gab's pala?" she asks, looking through her bag for her phone. "Or just drop me off somewhere and I can ask him to get me."

Inggo looks at her. "Bakit?"

"Anong bakit?" natatawang sagot ni Rinn, 'di pa rin siya tinitingnan. "Because I need him, that's why."

Boss, sabi ng puso niya. May problema tayo.

Tayo rin, sabi ng utak niya.

Tayo rin. Baka may baril ka diyan, sabi ng kamay niya.

Wait, sabi ng ari niya. Tayo rin, boss.

Putangina, lagi namang may problema 'yong huling 'yon pagdating kay Rinn, 'di na naubos sa problema, laging nakatayo, ampota!

Boss, wait lang, sabi ulit ng puso niya. Nasasaktan yata tayo.

Selos kasi tawag diyan, putangina, sabi ng utak niya.

"I'm right here," Inggo whispers. Hindi niya alam kung bakit niya 'yon sinabi. Hindi naman siya ang kailangan. "I'm right here, Rinn. Whatever you need from him, I can give it to you."

"Talaga?" tanong ni Rinn, finally raising her head to look at him. "What if I want you to stay the night? Can you give that to me?"

AHM, sabi ng puso niya. My pamilee. Shit.

Inggo swallows thickly. "I'll stay until you fall asleep."

Rinn lets out a breathless chuckle, like she expected his answer. Then she shakes her head. "Kuya Inggo...paasa ka rin, 'no?"

He looks at her. "What?"

"Joke. Kasalanan ko pala." She sighs. "Alam ko namang ang katawan mo lang ang pwede mong ibigay. And even then, ginagawa mo lang kasi you know I'm hurting right now. You wouldn't offer otherwise kasi alam mong masasaktan mo lang ako 'pag umalis ka in the middle of the night."

Inggo flinches.

"I wasn't even asking for sex," Rinn whispers, looking out the window, turning away from him. Lumalayo na naman sa kanya. "I was just asking for you to stay the night while we watch a movie and eat Frankie's."

Shit, bobo ka rin e, sabi ng puso niya sa utak niya.

Tangina mo, pinakabobo ka sa 'ting lahat.

Inggo takes a deep breath. Shit. Ang sikip dito.

He knows why he's like this. He knows kung bakit siya fuckboy, kung bakit hindi niya kayang magpamahal. Magmahal.

O kung bakit hindi niya kayang subukan.

If anyone took the time and effort to know more than his body, they might decide it's not worth sticking around.

He won't beg for anyone's love ever again. Never the fuck again.

"Kuya Inggo, hindi lang katawan mo ang worth kilalanin at mahalin," sabi ni Rinn. "Sana alam mo 'yon. Take me home, wala na akong gana makipagkita kahit kanino."

Wala na siyang nasabi hangga't sa umalis si Rinn, when she jumps down from his car and says, as a goodbye, "Sana malinis rin kamay mo kanina when you put it on my thigh. Night, Kuya Inggo."

He winces.

Pag-uwi niya sa bahay, his mom hugs him tight, kisses him on the cheek, and asked kung nag-dinner na siya. Then his dad greets him with a warm smile from his office and asks him about school.

It didn't use to be this way.

His mom didn't want kids. Up until he was six, Inggo was never touched, never hugged, never kissed, never petted or caressed or looked at long enough by the first woman who should've loved him, and the first woman he loved.

Inggo was grateful he had a roof over his head, food on the table, and an attentive father who tried to compensate for his mother's lack of affection.

Pero tangina...he wanted to be worthy of her. He wanted to show her he was worth sticking around for. And it was only for the first six years of his life, pero naalala niya na walang isang gabing lumipas na hindi siya nagdasal na sana mahalin na siya ng nanay niya.

No'ng nangyari na, nagpasalamat siya sa Diyos.

Tapos hindi na siya nagdasal ever again.

*

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