I haven't really had experiences when it comes to love, just few crushes but no one ever liked me back nor even had the slightest crush on me. I don't know what was the problem.

Or maybe, ako mismo yung problema.

Back in high school I have lots of happy crushes, that one famous player that every girl has a crush on, that guy who's loud and smug, that guy from private school, that guy from my school but on a different year level, and that guy who plays almost all band instruments but was in love with a girl who's exactly the opposite of me.

When I entered college I had the hopes that maybe I can finally find my first boyfriend slash first romance. You know, those Wattpad stories wherein you'll meet this arrogant guy na gwapo and matalino, then he'll always be mean to you for being you, but in fact loves it when you're being annoying.

Yep, there's a phase that I dreamed of those. Just dreamed of it because they won't really happen.

Back in freshmen year on our P.E. class we were assigned to do aerobic routines by group. And hell life was testing me, we have 6 members and I was the only girl.

Fuck being a hopeless romantic slashed emotional abused child. Even the slightest kindness can mean romance to me.

And so, our practice began. I stayed cool even though inside I'm a bit of excited knowing that one of these 5 guys can be actually my first romance. Or so I thought lol.

I was really delusional that time.

We agreed to have our practice in one of our group mates' house and Carl volunteered his. That was 2 cities away from my place but I'm cool with it, it's for the grade come on!

Yes. It is for the grade. Shut up!

So, yeah. That was the first time my parents allowed me to go somewhere far, alone by myself. I was 16 at that time.

Carl volunteered to fetch me somewhere near a landmark after lunch, since hindi ko alam ang daan papunta sakanila, habang ang ibang groupmates namin alam kung paano.

Really, boys be hanging around each other since day 1. Why won't they know?

"Kanina ka pa dito?" Carl said with his accent. He's half american. So, maticc yes gwapo. Not good with descriptions but he's like a guy straight out of a american sitcom.

"Mga 30 minutes na ata." I told him then laughed awkwardly.

Shet, ang awkward ng sinabi ko.

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting, something happened."

Shet, nafeel bad ko ata.

"No, no. Okay lang yon. Tara na ba? Anong oras na e baka naghihintay na sila doon." Pagchachange topic ko.

"Actually, I needed to buy something. Pwede mo ba ako samahan? I ran out of peanuts sa bahay so I need to buy a new one. Please?" Sabi niya sabay lapit sakin.

And fuck what those gestures and words do to me.

I'm not pretty so please don't act like I'm the only thing that matter for pete's sake!

"Saan ba yon? Malapit lang ba?" I asked. Forgetting that I have time running out and I have to be back at home before 5pm.

We went to a supermarket and it was fucking romantic for me like WTF! I'm freaking out that time. That was the first time I went to a grocery with a guy alone.

I never had guy friends, better yet be alone with them.

Ang gwapo niya tapos kasama niya ako sa supermarket bumili ng peanut butter niya. I was holding the basket beside him habang siya namimili sa aisle ng peanut butters.

"Hmm, what do you think tastes better, this one or this one?" He held out two different brands in front of me to choose from. What the damn hell? Bakit ganito, pakiramdam ko girlfriend ako na pinapapili? Fuck!

"K-kahit ano jan. Pareparehas lang naman silang palaman." I said. And now that I'm 18 I realized that what I answered was very fucking lame.

I hate you 2015 self.

"Uhm.. not quite sure about that though. Hmm..." He sat down to choose with the other brands of peanut butter. He's uttering words I don't recall because all I think that time was how the butterflies in my stomach were effinly alive.

Pakiramdam ko siya si Cross tas ako si Eya ng Diary ng Panget.

Hindi talaga ako maganda e. Ambisyosa lang.

"Yup! Skippy all the way!" Sabi niya, finally choosing the Skippy Peanut Butter.

He put it on the basket and grab some more things I can't recall and off we went para magbayad.

I was floating on the clouds that time na ang naaalala ko nalang sa event is nasa resort na nila kami (yes resort, mayaman sila hayop) and he took me to one of the guest rooms there since doon daw niya kami pagse-stay-in ng grupo.

It was closed for some reason today, cleaning day ata yung banggit niya but anyway, walang tao sa resort kundi kami lang. And yung parents niya na nasa main house sa dulo.

Room siya na may bedroom pa sa loob. And sa loob ng bedroom may isang bed and banyo.

"Please be at home. Papunta palang daw si Godric e." Sabi ni Carl while jabbing on his cellphone. I glanced at the clock, it's past 1:30pm. Ako palang ang andito. Anong oras kami makakapagstart nito? Sigh.

"Asan na daw yung iba?" Tanong ko, slowly getting a hold of my reality.

"Justin is on his way here. Lael and Jay, no response. But those guys will get here, they promised me." Sabi ni Carl.

"Sana bilisan nila para makapag start na tayo." Sabi ko sabay upo sa bed. Ang lambot shet, sarap humiga.

"Do you want to go swimming?" He suddenly asked enthusiastically.

"Ha? U-uh wala akong dalang damit." Sabi ko, bewildered with the spontaneity. What the damn hell that wasn't planned. And baka pagalitan ako nila mama pag nalaman nilang nagswimming ako, ang sabi ko practice ang pupuntahan ko.

"You can get wet on that clothes, I have shirts na pwede kong ipahiram sayo later." My bewilderment doubled.

"Ha?? A-ah hindi na o-okay lang hahahahha. Sige na swimming kana, dito nalang ako sa room." I told him.

Hindi ko alam kung yung west culture ba ni Carl or yung pagkainosente ko ang dahilan kung bakit parang ang awkward ng mga napag usapan namin na yon. Hindi ako sanay.

"Sure ka? Okay, Justin will be here any minute. So just stay there, okay? But if ever you change your mind, join me there." Then he winked. He. Winked.

He fucking winked to my 16 year old heart. This was the first time a guy winked at me. Gusto ba niya ako? Tangina.

Then so I stayed there at the room daydreaming about the possibilities that me and Carl will probably end up together, until someone knocked on the door and entered the room.

It was Carl, all wet. Topless and just wearing his trunks.

"Tracy look!" He went at the bed near me and pointed at his stomachㅡ no scratch thatㅡ was that abs??? Oh fuck. That was my first time to see abs in real life.

"I've got abs." Sabi ni Carl. I can't remember anything nor remembered how long I was looking at his abs but his next words snapped me back to reality.

"You're blushing." He told me. And for sure that made me blush even more.

"Anong ginagawa niyo? What the fuck Carl??" A voice came out of nowhere then we realized Justin stood there for who knows how long.

"Dude, it's not like that."

"Mag-usap tayo sa labas." Justine told Carl. Then they went out of the guest room... or house. I don't know basta hindi ko na sila narinig or nakita pa.

Kingina, I felt like I was dreaming. Para akong nasa pelikula or nasa libro. Natutulala nalang ako sa mga nangyari. Hindi ko akalain na nangyayari yun sa totoong buhay.

"Hi?" Napalingon ako sa boses sa may pintuan and I saw there an unfamiliar face. Hindi namin siya ka groupmate and lalong hindi namin siya classmate.

"Hi." I greeted back.

"Tracy? Tama? Ako si JR. Best friend ni Justine." Then he waved his hands at me. Ang awkward not because I had been alone with more than one guy today but because I had been surrounded by guys which is not normal to me.

Oh yes, this is for the grades. Shut up, self.

Few minutes then, bumalik na si Justine and Carl. We went inside the room and out of nowhere there's a bread and the Skippy Peanut Butter we bought earlier.

We dug in while waiting for the other group members. Three guys inside a room with me. I didn't expect that I would be this ease with that idea. Besides, katiwa tiwala naman 'tong tatlong 'to.

If not kaya kong makipag wrestling talaga.

We continued eating and I can't help myself from criticizing the branded peanut butter. Bilang anak ng gumagawa at nagtitinda ng Home-Made Peanut Butter, masasabi kong walang wala ang lasa nitong branded na 'to. Pangalan lang ang binili dito e.

"Mas masarap yung peanut ng nanay ko dito." I told them. There were silence after that, then Justine spoke.

"You shouldn't have said that." He said.

And now that I'm 18, I realized what he meant that time.

When Godric, Jay, and Lael came we started the practice right away. Kahit na nanghingi sila ng ilang minutong pahinga kasi kakarating lang daw nila, nagpakabossy ako at sinabing dapat mag start na kami.

I was very competitive when it comes to ideas. I was always into leadership roles ever since high-school. Ang problema lang, napaka taklesa kong tao at madalas hindi ako nag-iisip bago magsalita. I say what I feel like saying at the moment, the very reason why a lot of people have something to say about me.

"Ang pangit nung ganyang routine. Gawin nalang natin na 8 counts ng ganito tapos 8 counts na ganito." I said, contradicting Godric's ideas.

"E kung ganyan yung routine natin hihingalin ka lang jan." He said, annoyed.

"E kesa naman paulit-ulit yung routine sa loob ng 16 counts? Napakahaba ng count na 'yon. Ang boring ng performance natin pag ganon." Sabi ko. Pinapantayan yung pagiging iritable ni Godric.

"Guys, wag tayo mag away. Tayo tayo na nga lang magkakagrupo oh." Pag-awat ni Justine. Kunot noo akong tumingin sa direksyon niya at nakita ko yung tatlo pa naming kagrupo na nagcecellphone lang.

"Hoy kayong tatlo, practisin niyo nga simula sa una yung routine hindi yung nagse-cellphone lang kayo jan." Pagtataray ko sakanila.

"Oh, kumilos na kayo nagagalit na leader natin A.K.A. batas." Sabi ni Godric, and with that statement, isinumpa ko nalang talaga si Godric.

Ang sama ko. Yes. Alam ko. Pero ang sama din talaga ng ugali nitong lalaking 'to.

The three of them stood up, annoyed but continued on practicing anyway.

Andaming argumento na nangyari sa practice namin, mostly dahil sa pagiging bossy ko, e hindi din papatalo sa pagiging maldito itong si Godric, so there.

Fortunately, natapos ang practice namin ng walang nagagalusan or namamatay.

"Chat chat nalang uli kung kailan susunod na practice." I bossed again.

They waved their hands and walked away. I felt like pagod at may kasamang annoyed yung wave na yon.

"This is so tiring argh!" I heard Carl said and found him lying on his back on the cement.

"Para sa grades." Sabi ko. Ako na wala ni katiting na empathy sa katawan that time. Wtf.

Carl looked at me, and he just smirked. Shit, my tiredness just went away. Gahd.

I don't want to go home yet, but I should. I finished fixing my things and was about to head out when I noticed Godric approaching me.

"May payong ka?" He said straightforwardly.

"Yes, bakit umuulan ba?" Tanong ko habang lumilinga sa labas ng clubhouse. And yes, umuulan nga ng malakas sa labas.

Kasya ba kami sa payong na 'to??

"Sila Carl, wala bang extra payong?" Sabi ko. It's not like I wanted to decline but I think it came out that way.

"Kung ayaw mo okay, edi 'wag." Sabi niya. Hindi ko akalaing capable ako maguilty that time kahit na inis ako sa tao.

So, we shared the same umbrella.

Wala palang payong kela Carl kaya naman pala no choice si Godric kundi sumabay sakin. Nauna na din kasi lahat ng kagrupo naming umuwi kanina at ako nalang ang natira.

We had to walk from Carl's resort till the bus stop. The rain was pouring heavily, and I was so awkward to have someone with me under the same umbrella.

"Ako na hahawak." He said. Taking the handle from my hand.

Our hands...didn't touch, okay? No kdrama-like scenarios. He just took it kasi casually.

Mas matangkad siya sakin kaya siguro kinuha na niya yung payong. I really felt awkward. My minds making stories already, I'm jumping into conclusions.

Why did he even chose to share an umbrella with me? Does that mean there's a percentage that he thinks I'm likeable?

I mean, you wouldn't share an umbrella with someone na hate mo, 'di ba? Or with someone na you dislike?

Or was it just me who'll choose to get drenched than to show some pakitang-tao? Lol.

"Dito ka sa gilid." He held my shoulder and gently pushed me to the left side of the gutter away from the vehicles.

It's fucking raining. He's being a gentlemen.

Stop. My heart's gonna combust.

Sa sobrang kapraningan ko that time nung sumakay kami ng bus ni hindi ko magawang patayin yung automatic na payong ko. Nanginginig yung kamay ko. Para akong tanga na hindi makapasok sa bus kasi bumubukas bigla yung payong.

And Godric just laughed at me.

What the damn hell.

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A/N. Buti nalang at may diary entries na pwedeng balikan para maisulat ang mga ganitong moments.

Sigh, my innocent heart that time. Sarap lang keltokan. Lmao.