"It's all just bells,  sometimes I ring myself to see if I might chime" ~Velodrome-Dessa

11 January 1969 6.52am

There was no light. There was barely any sound, she knew she'd been here before. Charli walked forward instinctively.

There was a young girl with red hair on the floor, her lifeless body bruised and bloodied. A woman stood nearby the body with her back turned.

Charli rushed to the young girl's body, her face was a mass of bruises and blood and barely recognizable. Charli's fear turned to rage as she yelled at the woman's back.

"This is your fault!" she screamed tugging at the woman's skirt "You did this to her! He killed her and you did nothing!"

The woman didn't turn.

"You never cared!" Charli screamed louder "What did I ever do?"

Before she could say anything else, she felt 2 large hands at her neck.

*

Charli gasped sharply as she woke in a cold sweat.

"It's okay kitten," a voice soothed her "You're home"

The darkness from her nightmare faded and the room came into focus. She looked around frantically, Martha sat up worriedly at the foot of the bed.

"You're okay luv," Paul said again pushing a strand of hair from her face.

Charli sat up and wiped at her face as Martha put her head in her lap.

"Sorry.." she said quietly to Paul "I didn't mean ta' wake ya's"

"Don't apologise luv" he assured "It's been a while since you've had nightmares like this"

"Now it's like bloody clockwork," Charli scoffed "I almost dread going ta' sleep"

She sighed scratching Martha's ears absentmindedly.

"What do ya' think is causing it?" Paul asked propping himself up on his elbows.

"A lot of things," Charli said with barely a thought "Interviews about the second Hawthorne Woods...writing me own bloody story..it forces me to relive everything over and over....it doesn't help she came back"

Just before Christmas, Mandy had stopped by for tea. She brought Christmas presents for Charli and Paul and told Charli the news that her mother had moved back to England and was living with Mandy for the time being.

"A lot has happened since Christmas," Paul agreed scratching at his beard.

"I can't really visit Mandy right now," Charli sighed "I'm a terrible niece. She's such a kind and generous person, especially letting mum live with her after everything...and I'm fucking selfish I can't bring meself to see her."

"Yer not selfish," Paul said "You know she understands"

There was a long pause.

"What have you got on today?" He asked trying to change her focus.

"Teaching," Charli answered "Mika is starting an aerial class for children....she wants me to teach it"

"I'm sure you'll be brilliant at it," Paul assured.

Charli looked back at him again and smiled.

"What are you up to today?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," Paul sighed sadly "It's our day off in studio...I'm not sure I want ta' go back after yesterday"

They were only a few days into recording the sessions for the next album, there was a film crew in the studio almost constantly. Paul had hoped getting back to their roots, creating a documentary to follow would get the rest of the band excited again. However, George had left and they weren't sure he was coming back.

"Ringo left during the last album," Charli shrugged. "But he came back, I'm sure George will too"

"Maybe," Paul said unconvinced "We're goin' round to Rings' tomorrow to chat about it. Honestly, Charli...I'm not sure what to do anymore. Since Bri passed on, I don't know where we're going"

"You lot will figure it out, you always do," she said kissing him softly. She made a look that Paul laughed at.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You already know," Charli laughed.

"The beard is staying for now" Paul laughed.

Charli slid out of the bed and threw on her dressing gown.

"Don't make me deny you sex," she laughed before kissing him again.

"That's just as much of a threat to yourself as it is to me" Paul laughed.

"Right, with that I'm goin' ta' shower and start my day," Charli said.

*

"Thanks for lettin' me rehearse for a bit before the insanity begins" Charli grinned at Mika as she hung upside down from a lyra.

"I'm not going to complain when one of my top performers wants extra rehearsal time" Mika laughed. She had noticed Charli seemed distracted "Is everything alright, luv?"

"Fine..." Charli lied. "Just a bit stressed..."

"Everything is alright with you and Paul, yeah?" Mika asked as Charli pulled herself up.

"Paul and I are great!" Charli laughed "I think this album is doing his head in a bit, but me and him are fine"

"Good," Mika sighed in relief.

"Don't worry, luv" Charli laughed "There's no trouble in paradise"

"Ladies!" Nigel said excitedly as he entered the rehearsal space "Are we ready for the first class of littles?"

"Always ready Nigel," Charli answered.

"Now, I picked the two of you for the younger classes for a reason," Mika said as they began preparing information packets for the parents. Charli laughed.

"I get Nigel, he's funny and does clowning" she admitted "But me? Have you seen how tough I get on the adult classes?"

"Yes, but when no one is looking, you're incredibly sweet" Mika teased "Charli, I know you can be tough. I know you don't have the patience for mucking about, but you know your stuff and I think you'll be good with the kids"

"Well, you're keeping me busy today!" Charli laughed "Keepin' me from me writing"

"Didn't you want that?" Nigel teased.

"Maybe..." Charli laughed.

They would be teaching the first ever children's class that afternoon with a small break before the adult class came in and their own rehearsal. Charli, was happy for the escape for a day.

*

"Who had fun today? Raise your hand!" Charli said enthusiastically as a group of small children giggled and shot their hands up in the air.

"Oh come on, you can raise them higher," Nigel said, "Jump up!"

The children obeyed, jumping up and down and laughing louder.

"Ok!" Charli said over the commotion "Who's coming back next week? Scream real loud!"

A dozen small voices screamed loudly

A group of parents waited patiently nearby, a few turned up their noses at the teachers encouraging their children to be so childlike.

"Alright littles," Nigel addressed the children once they calmed down "Everyone did so well today! For a first day, Charli and me better watch out...you lot might have us running to keep up!"

Charli made her way to Mika's office to grab a bite to eat, Mika had brought a dinner and snacks for between classes.

"Pardon me, Mrs McCartney," a tall dark-haired woman said stopping her.

"Yes, Mrs...." Charli said unsure who's mother had just stopped her and not having much time to waste.

"McCallister," the woman said. "I was just curious when Evie will be performing with you"

Charli seemed shocked, classes had just begun.  She couldn't even fathom the children performing yet. Evie stood shyly next to her mother.

"Well, Mrs. McCallister," Charli began "We plan to have a student show later in the year, however, it's quite early on as this is their first class, for me to know. Auditions and assessments will be in a few months"

"What can Evie do in the meantime to guarantee she performs?" Mrs McCallister asked as Evie looked like she wanted to hide.

"Well, she can keep coming to class and working hard," Charli said "Now, I do apologise, but I've only got a short while before the next class starts up and I need a nosh beforehand"

Charli disappeared into the new teachers' office before Mrs McCallister could ask her any more questions.

13 January 1969, 10.58pm

"Yeah....I haven't been sleeping well," Charli told Eddie through the phone. "I know its a good idea to write this...but its just hard."

"I know sugar beat," Eddie consoled "But you've got Jenny and Paul to help out, and me even if I'm far away. Speaking of your husband, you said they're recording again?"

"Yeah.." Charli sighed "I really think they could use a break, they seem to be at each others' throats even more so this time. What about you, how are things in New York?"

"Same as always, I've finally got a steady boyfriend," Eddie said happily. "The one from Canada"

"You've been with him for ages!  I hope to meet him someday" Charli smiled "Are ya's worried about this silly war?"

"Honestly Charli," Eddie said sincerely "I'm terrified of the draft. I was goin' to tell ya's anyway, but Maurice and I are thinkin' of movin' to Quebec...I just, I was worried you might be upset"

"Why the bloody hell would I be upset?" Charli asked.

"I might desert my country and duty," Eddie said in a false heroic voice.

"I'd rather you were safe," Charli said "You know our thoughts on what the US is doing in Vietnam"

"Thanks, Charli, your opinion actually matters to me," Eddie said.

The door opened as Paul returned home from recording, he seemed upset.

"Eddie, can I give you a bell in a couple days?" Charli asked noticing her husband's silence as he hung his coat and ignored Martha in her excitement.

"Sure thing," Eddie said, "Miss you most!"

Charli said her goodbyes and hung up the phone as Paul sat next to her on the sofa.

He was still silent as his arm went around her.

"How was recordin'?" Charlie asked as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Don't ask..." Paul said softly.

"C'mon luv," Charli said "I know it's been rough, but you can talk to me"

"I don't know how we're goin' ta' get through this bloody project" Paul sighed "John's now sayin' he doesn't care if George comes back"

"We've always had a bit of a pecking order," he added "But we need George"

Charli was silent, letting him continue on.

"...and fuckin' Yoko...always there...fuckin' always giving input...did I tell ya's the day George left, she took the mic and did nothin' but scream?" Paul ranted.

"You may have mentioned it," Charli said.

"Fuck...John's actin' weirder and I feel like it's her..." Paul admitted "We're constantly arguin'...I don't feel like I can go back"

"You don't have to" Charli shrugged.

"I do, the album and documentary..." Paul shook his head. "Come with me tomorrow?"

Charli lifted her head and looked at him curiously.

"It's not just because John has Yoko there..." Paul said reading her mind "I don't think I can do this without you"

"I'll go if you really need me" Charli agreed running a hand through his hair.

"Thanks, Kitten," Paul smiled before changing the subject "How did you sleep after I left?"

"Ok..." Charli shrugged "I slept until about 1 this afternoon. Sorry I woke you again"

"I'm worried about you luv" Paul admitted.

"I'll be ok," Charli said "It's just been a rough start to the year"

"Let's get some sleep, huh?" Paul smiled.

14 January 1969, 4.51pm

"Doing alright luv?" Paul asked Charli between songs.

"Fine," Charli smiled. She'd brought a sketch pad and was working on various drawings of studio life. She was exhausted. Sleep was becoming more and more of a fear given her recent dreams. She had been woken up at 3 am with a start from a reoccurring dream, Paul was there to help soothe her but she'd been too afraid to go back to sleep for 2 hours after the panic.

"I feel a bit guilty I didn't bring my writing," she admitted.

"Kitten, I know you're determined to finish your story, but I think you need a break from it for a bit," Paul said "Show me what you've been working on today"

"Nothing too exciting," she shrugged "just whatever you lot are doing"

She'd done a rough sketch of Paul, John and Ringo working through their music.

"I love the way you see us" Paul smiled.

"Ta.." Charli yawned.

"If yer tired, have a kip," Paul said warmly.

Charli shook her head.

"I know there's a mattress for Yoko" she whispered "I'm not goin' to that extreme. It just may be another early night when we get home."

"Have you thought about talkin' to Dr Miller about yer sleep?" Paul asked.

"I see her next week," Charli nodded "It's the first thing I plan to talk about, I know why I'm stressed...but I can't fix it"

"C'mon la," John said "Let's get back to recording this shite so we can go home at a decent hour"

"Right, you'll be alright on yer own?" Paul asked Charli.

"Always am luv," She smiled "I'm a bit fucked up in the head, I'm not delicate"

Paul laughed before kissing her and heading back to recording.

Charli continued working on her art. Eventually, she felt a presence next to her.

"You have talent for drawing," Yoko said quietly. Charli jumped slightly.

"Oh..erm..thank you" She stuttered.

"Paul says you have trouble with sleep?" Yoko asked. It dawned on Charli this was the most she'd conversed with Yoko, she still wasn't sure what to think of her.

"Oh, um..yeah," Charli said setting her artwork down for a moment "I'm just going through a lot of stress reliving my childhood with this book..."

"I understand," Yoko said, "John say you have very hard childhood"

"Yeah.." Charli scoffed "That's an understatement"

"I might help you?" Yoko asked. Charli raised an eyebrow.

"Sure..." She said sceptically. It wasn't that she didn't like Yoko, despite her unease. She just wasn't sure how a person she'd had little interaction with could help.

"John, he get quite stressed too," Yoko began "We start taking something to help with calmness. It really open your mind and help you forget about worry"

She extracted a small white bag with a familiar powder Charli instantly recognised.

Charli's heart raced and although Yoko was talking, Charli's mind blanked out her voice.

"NO!" Charli screamed, "GET IT AWAY!!!"

"I just try to -" Yoko tried calming her, not realising what was wrong.

"GO AWAY!" Charli yelled backing away in a panic.

"Shit! What happened luv?" Paul's voice cut through her panic.

"Just get it away!!" Charli cried. "I can't.."

"Paul, I just try to help her," Yoko said showing him the bag of powder.

"Jesus! With that?" Paul said angrily "That shit nearly killed her!"

"It's not so bad" Yoko tried arguing.

"You didn't see her when she overdosed!" Paul snapped.

"Mal, can you find somewhere quiet for her?" Paul asked. Mal nodded and Paul turned his attention back to his wife.

"Hey kitten," he said softly as he took her hands "Mal is going to find you a place to calm down...I'll be right there in just a bit"

Charli nodded, still shaking as Mal helped her up and took her from the studio.

"Stop filming..." Paul said to the cameramen after Mal and Charli left.

"Jesus Paul," John said angrily "Get a fucking handle on yer wife"

"Fuck off!" Paul said angrily "You don't understand a fucking thing-"

"It's not a big deal!" John interrupted "Yoko was just trying to help...we have to hear you moanin' about the fact Charli's losin' her mind"

"That's the shit that nearly killed her!" Paul yelled. Ringo decided it was time for a smoke, he missed George and hated the constant fights.

"It's not Yoko's fault, Charli couldn't handle it" John defended.

"Handle it?!?" Paul shouted "Look at you! You've been a complete arse since ya' started that shite...you don't give a shit about this album-"

"Maybe I'm sick of this band!" John yelled. Paul was silent.

"You don't understand at all" he finally said "You didn't see photos of Charli on that shit...she was a fucking skeleton"

Paul stormed out to find Mal and Charli.

Charli sat across from Mal at a small table in the canteen, sipping a cup of water.

"Ta Mal..." she said quietly. "I'm sorry.."

"Just feel better luv," Mal smiled "will you be ok if I leave to let Paul know where you are?"

Charli nodded. Just as Mal stood, Paul entered the canteen.

"Nevermind," Mal smiled "I'll leave you two alone"

"Thanks, Mal," Paul said as the large man left the canteen.

He quietly sat beside Charli.

"I'm sorry.." she said, "I shouldn't have acted that way.."

"Don't apologise," Paul said pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "I didn't know she'd bring that shit into the studio"

"How long have they been on it?" Charli asked hoarsely.

"I don't know...John has been acting even less himself than usual" Paul admitted "Probably a little while"

"...if you don't think my mind hasn't thought of that as a solution to what's going on," Charli said taking cautiously "It has...a dozen times...I've been fighting it every day"

Paul held her close. It hit him how easy it would be for her to slip into addiction again.

"I'm not goin' ta' make you choose between me or John, I'm not a bitch" Charli added "But, I cannot be around John and Yoko until their off heroin. It's too dangerous."

"I understand luv," Paul nodded. "I need to talk to him anyway...do you want ta' stay here or go home?"

"I think I want ta' go home" Charli admitted.

"Why don't we call Jenny? It might be a good idea to have someone with ya's, yeah?" Paul suggested.

Charli nodded.

"I'd come home, but we really should try to get some recording done on this project" Paul sighed "But Jen can keep ya's company until I'm home"

*

"I don't think she meant to upset me," Charli said as she and Jenny sat on the floor of the lounge listening to records.

"I dunno'," Jenny sighed exhaling a puff of smoke "John is so weird since she came onto the scene"

"Well, heroin might have something to do with that" Charli added "That shit really fucks with you"

"...and you still want to do it?" Jenny asked.

"It's hard to explain..." Charli sighed "I don't want to do it...but I used it as a way to get away from pain...so when I'm in pain...my brain still craves it...it's stupid"

"Well, I'm here to keep you out of trouble" Jenny laughed.

"Ugh...it's a bit sad considering you used to get me into trouble" Charli laughed.

"I still do!" Jenny teased "Did you want me to look over what you've written so far?"

"If you want?" Charli said unsure of herself "Are you sure you want to relive it? It's pretty raw..."

"I'll do my best to put on my best editor's mask" Jenny smiled "I know you're having a hard time writing this, but I admire the fuck out of you for doing it"

"Ta...we'll see if I actually get through it" Charli admitted "It's been harder than I thought"

"You ARE going to finish, I'll help ya's luv," Jenny said as she began looking over the stack of papers Charli had been working on over the last few weeks.

30 January 1969, 8.40am

"I'm still not sure about this..." Charli admitted as she dried her hair.

"C'mon luv," Paul said wrapping his arms around her from behind "You've never seen us in concert"

"I know, I'm just...worried" Charli sighed "I'm worried about being around John and Yoko...after everything"

"Pattie and Mo will be there," Paul said hopefully "You know they'll keep you distracted"

"It's been awhile since I've seen either of them, hasn't it?" Charli realised. "Are things better now that George is back?"

"I think we're all happier now that we're at Apple, to be honest," Paul admitted "I'm hoping this will push the group to perform again"

As a grand finale to the "Get Back" documentary project The Beatles had been working on, Paul suggested a concert. The band, while hesitant agreed. Paul had hoped the concert would bring them back to their roots and general happiness when playing live, before Beatlemania took over. And just how does the world's biggest band mark a triumphant return to live performance? Playing on the rooftop of their recording studio.

Paul had been absolutely thrilled at the idea and wanted to share it with Charli.

Charli, while she was easily swept up in his enthusiasm, had her reserves after her breakdown when Yoko offered her heroin. She knew she couldn't be around it and feared slipping into her old life given the difficult start to 1969.

"I hope this eases some tensions at least," Charli added "You weren't happy the other day with that Klein fellow"

Paul's face soured.

"I don't know what the others see in him," he admitted "I know we need management, but he's just so...American, yeah? There's something about him that puts me off"

"Well partner," Charli teased putting on her best American accent "I reckon we should be hittin' the trails"

Paul laughed.

"I would've thought after livin' in the US, you'd have at least been able to fake the accent better" he teased.

"Oh sod off!" Charli laughed lightly tapping his shoulder. "Let me finish getting ready for the day!"

***

"I've got a feeling,

A feeling deep inside,

Oh yeah.."

Paul sang out. Despite the tensions in the studio constantly, and even looked prevalent under the surface, he seemed genuinely happy to perform again. The rooftop concert was well underway, many of Apple's employees gathered on the rooftop to see the event, a film crew was capturing every moment as people watched from their windows in the buildings surrounding Apple.

Charli sat huddled with Pattie and Mo.

"I think they picked the coldest day in London to do this" Mo laughed. She had given Ringo her coat to keep him warm and sat between Charli and Pattie for warmth.

"George really didn't want to do this," Pattie said "He's been really unhappy with this project"

"I'll be a little happy when this one is over," Charli admitted.

"I just hope it's not the end..." Mo admitted.

Pattie glanced around, Yoko was sitting nearby John and just far enough away from the others.

"Are you okay? Ringo told us about Yoko" Pattie whispered leaning in close to her friends.

"I'm fine," Charli whispered "But it's stressful being around them while they're on that shit"

"You don't want to do that again do you?" Mo asked.

"It's really hard to explain..." Charli sighed "But no...I don't...I still can't be around it. I almost didn't come today"

"Well, we're glad you're here," Pattie said as the three huddled closer together.

The Beatles were nearly through Get Back when the police turned up to end the concert due to noise.

Mo cheered loudly as the band finished.

"Thanks, Mo," Paul grinned.

"I'm just happy to get my coat back" Mo giggled to Charli and Pattie.

Paul made his way over to Charli.

"What did ya' think girls?" he asked.

"Bloody freezing!" Mo laughed.

Paul laughed as he helped Charli up.

"What did you think luv?" he asked.

"It hit me," Charli said as his arms went around her "That's the first time I've seen you lot perform since we were kids. And the first time I've ever seen Ringo perform with ya's."

"And?" Paul asked eagerly.

"You already know I think yer brilliant," Charli laughed.

"I still love hearing it," Paul laughed "Especially from you"

Charli kissed him happily. She wasn't sure what 1969 had in store, but she was happy to face it as long as they had each other.

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https://youtu.be/6c8KyRcT020

A/N:   Hello everyone!!  I'm sorry there've been so many delays.  As you may have seen from an update, I wound up in A&E with a kidney infection (I was NOT well, extremely painful and we won't mention how many times I threw up).  I'm much better!  And drinking heaps of water, my system is still righting itself so self care is my focus!  Which...writing is self care :)

Anyway, this chapter is a bit all over the place.  Basically, I wanted to show that much as Charli's life is much better and she and Paul are happy together....her issues with mental health and addiction don't magically go away (that wouldn't be realistic).  This is an area of history I haven't ventured into in previous fanfics, and it's scary territory as we all know what will eventually happen to the band.

Also, I'm aware a lot of people love Paul with a beard...Charli isn't a fan, I never saw her as a fan (I don't mind personally).  

The chapter song, I chose as it sort of explains PTSD or at least helped me in mine.  You sometimes feel like you have no control over yourself with it and its just moving through life.  I will say, writing has been a huge release in coping!  And, much as this year has been a bit hellish on me...I'm actually in a better place with my own mental health (mostly).