"This thing is slowly taking me apart, grey would be the colour if I had a heart"  ~Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails

**Trigger Warning:  Self harm, suicidal ideation**

Dear Charli,

I haven't heard from you in quite some time. Please respond, let me know you're alright.

I'll keep writing you until I hear something, anything.

Please love, tell me you're ok.

All my Loving,

JPM

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Minnesota, late May 1960

It was unseasonably warm, Mrs. Johanson had opened the large windows of the art room so her students could enjoy the warm breeze and the smells of fresh spruce coming from the backwoods.

Charli sat at her easel, working on another piece for the art show. Her previous works had been colourful and showed her life in Liverpool. The piece she worked on now, was much darker...in the centre was an anatomically correct heart, red but graying halfway from the bottom up. A snake wrapped itself around the heart. The grey from the bottom of the heart dripped downward, at the bottom of a canvas was a girl, her hands covering her head, tucked into herself. The background of the canvas was splotchy black and grey paint.

"Charli...this piece is so different," Mrs. Johanson said as she walked by her easel "So much emotion"

Charli barely looked up, Mrs. Johanson noticed where she had tried hiding a bruise just under her eye with makeup.

"Ta..." she said quietly. Mrs. Johanson sadly watched her continue painting.

"Eddie, so nice of you to join us!" Mrs. Johanson smiled as the young boy with wild hair entered the room.

"Always best to be fashionably late, Mrs. J!" He said.

"Please, take a seat...get to work on your assignment," She said. Much as Eddie was always late, she did enjoy him as a student. Eddie walked towards his group of friends, stopping a moment to look at Charli's painting.
"Damn..." he said under his breath, Charli hadn't heard. He slowly made his way back to his friends, still staring towards the Liverpudlian girl who didn't speak to many and had become even quieter.

The bell rang, Charli finished a small part of the painting before she packed her bags. The rest of the class had already left in record time to enjoy the weather outside.

"Charli," Mrs. Johanson said warmly "Can we talk?"

"Sure.." Charli said softly.

"I just want to make sure everything is okay," she began as she sat next to Charli "You have seemed...a bit sad. Is everything okay at home?"

"As okay as they'll ever be..." Charli said. She hadn't even looked at Mrs. Johanson.

"Honey," she said putting a hand on Charli's shoulder. Charli flinched slightly "Please, you can tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine!" Charli said suddenly. Mrs. Johanson jumped, shocked at the sudden anger in Charli's voice. Charli calmed down "I'm sorry Mrs. Johanson....I just.....I hate it here."

"In Minnesota?" Mrs. Johanson asked, "Sweetie, it's okay to be homesick..."

"No.." Charli said interrupting her "Just here...this fucking planet...this stupid life..."

Mrs. Johanson's heart sank.

"Charli, please...I'm worried about you," she said placing her hand on her shoulder again "Why don't you come over after school, we can talk. I won't tell a soul."

Charli shook her head "No, it's okay...I won't do anything stupid...I'll fix it someday"

"Thanks, Mrs. Johanson," She said as she grabbed her things and left the classroom.

Mrs. Johanson watched worriedly as Charli walked down the hallway and out of the school.

Liverpool, May 1960

"Have you heard from her at all?" Jenny asked worriedly.

"Not a word," Paul said as they walked to their favourite chip shop. "Jen, I'm getting worried, it's not like her to not respond"

Jenny nodded as she extracted a cigarette from the pack she carried with her.

"Her fucking parents probably have something to do with it," she said angrily. Paul nodded.

"FUCK!" Jenny said suddenly punching a sign as they walked further on. Paul jumped. "I really fucking hate them! If I could just get myself to Minnesota...I'd..I'd...."

"You'd what Jen? You know whatever you're thinking wouldn't make anything better" Paul said trying to calm her down.

"If they were dead, it would!" she yelled.

"Really? Then you'd be in jail....in America...then what?" Paul said angrily.

"At least she'd be away from those bastards!" Jenny said as angry tears spilled from her eyes.

"Jen," he said putting an arm around her shoulders "You know you'd be no better than them.."

Suddenly Jenny turned and hugged him tight sobbing to him.

"I hate this Paul, I miss her so much...she never judged me or my family, I could tell her anything...and she's gone..." Jenny sobbed.

"I know luv," he said holding onto Jenny "I hate her parents as much as you do...I miss her more than I can even think of....and nothing takes away the pain."

"I just wish I knew she was okay..." Jenny said quietly.

"She's a tough little shite...you know that, give Charli more credit," Paul said with a smirk. Jenny laughed slightly.

"Come 'head luv, let's get some chips...that'll make ya' feel better," Paul said finally.

"Yeah...usually..." Jenny said with a weak smile.

"I'm sure we'll hear from her...she's probably just busy with school," Paul said unconvincingly.

Minnesota, late May 1960

Charli stood in the shower lost in her thoughts, the warm water dripped off her hair making small splashes on the floor. It had been over a month since most of the house was locked down from her, over a month since she'd received such a strange letter from Paul and nothing from Jenny. It had been just over a month since she'd started feeling...cold. Not the kind of cold from winter, but the kind of cold that was overtaking everything inside her.

She turned the shower faucet off, stopping the water before stepping out and wrapping herself in a towel.

She stared at her face in the bathroom mirror, noticing the bruise from a few nights before showing itself. She'd said something, she couldn't remember what, everything seemed to blur together now, whatever she'd said had embarrassed her father and mother at dinner while the priest was over.

She didn't recognise herself anymore.

She sat on the edge of the bath tub, staring at nothing before grabbing the shaving razor she'd used in the shower. Charli turned it over in her hand a few times before popping it open and extracting the razor itself. She stared at the razor a long while, lost in her thoughts. She wasn't sure she really wanted to end everything...

Charli then took the small razor and drew a thin line on her upper arm, she watched as her skin broke and went from pale white to a bright red line as the cut appeared and she felt release. She inhaled sharply at the feeling of pain and release. She cried as it felt like all the fear, depression, hurt and anger she'd kept inside came pouring out in little red droplets on the tile floor. Cut after cut she made, each one giving her more release until her upper arm was nearly covered in little red marks. She sobbed feeling every emotion wash over her at once.

"Charlotte?" Mrs. McLeod's voice called "Are you alright? You've been a long time in the loo"

Charli suddenly snapped back into reality, she set the razor down.

"I'm fine mum," she called.

"Are you sure?" Mrs. McLeod asked again.

"I'm fine!" Charli shouted, "I get no other privacy, bloody let me have some in the loo!"

She set her towel on the floor, wiping up the spots of blood.

"Shite.." she said as she saw herself in the mirror and her now red arm. She washed it off at the sink, wincing as she held a cloth with iodine to her arm. She quickly wrapped a bandage around her arm and slid into her pyjamas, taking the bloodied towel and wrapping her damp hair in it before going to her room.

Charli laid on her bed staring at the ceiling, lost in a cloud of thoughts.

"Really Charlotte," her mother said outside her room "This attitude is getting old"

"Look, I do my schoolwork...I go to church...what else do you bloody want?" Charli said angrily still staring at the ceiling.

"A little respect," Mrs. McLeod said, "never have I encountered such.."

"Just let me sleep," Charli interrupted.

"Do you want me to tell your father about this?" Mrs. McLeod said angrily.

"GO AHEAD!" Charli said angrily "It's not like he hasn't damaged me enough! Fuck! Leave me alone!"

She heard her mother pray quietly outside the door, not for her daughter's well-being, but for a more obedient child.

Charli threw a pillow over her head to try and drown out the sound, she continued to stare at nothing, she was in shock at what she'd just done but found herself craving it again. Once she was sure her mother had left, she reached into the drawer of her nightstand and pulled out the photo of her and Paul from The Casbah. She stared at it sadly, "Just make this all go away"

**

The school was buzzing with activity that night, parents, teachers, and students milled about viewing artwork from various students of Mrs. Johanson. Charli stood on her own, sipping punch as her parents spoke amiably with her teachers and anyone else. It had been a few days since her first instance of self-injury. She wore a dress her mother had chosen for her but wore her own jacket over it so her arm didn't show.

"Hey, Charlotte," a girl's voice said approaching the punch bowl.

"Oh..hi.." Charli said shyly. The girl was tall with dark brown hair, a senior.  Her face was pale and very pretty.

"I just wanted to say," she began "Your art is really amazing. There's just so much emotion behind it...I really wish I had your talent for art, my one piece pales in comparison"

"Ta Ruthie," Charli said with a weak smile.

"I should get back to my parents, just needed a break...they never shut up about me" she laughed as she made her way back to the Williams. Charli looked to see Mr. Williams, the postman, hug his daughter as she returned to them and animatedly tell another neighbor about her recent accomplishments. Charli scratched at her arm...she had a feeling she knew what her evening plans were when she got home.

"You must be Mr. and Mrs. McLeod," Mrs. Johanson said approaching Molly and Joseph.

"Aye, and you must be the art teacher, Mrs. Johanson is it?" Mr. McLeod said shaking her hand "We're quite proud to see Charlotte finally applying herself"

"Yes, well...she's very talented Mr. McLeod," Mrs. Johanson said with a smile "She's a very dedicated student and artist"

"I just wish her art was a bit more....conventional" Mrs. McLeod said as she glanced in disapproval at the four pieces Charli had hanging.

"She paints what she feels, it makes her work unique," Mrs. Johanson said assuredly. "I actually wanted to talk to you both...is Charli okay?"

"Okay in what regard?" Mr. McLeod asked gruffly.

"I've just noticed a change in her lately...she seems-" Mrs. Johanson explained before being interrupted by Molly.

"Are her grades slipping, is that it?" Molly asked.

"No no, her grades are fine Mrs. McLeod, in my class and as far as I know the rest of her classes, she just seems very....down" Mrs. Johanson said.

"She has been more defiant lately," Mr. McLeod said, "Rebellious youth, she gets past it eventually."

Mrs. Johanson thought their responses were strange, she suddenly asked.

"Is everything alright at home? There's nothing causing her stress?"

"Mrs. Johanson," Mr. McLeod started sternly "I'll have ya' know, we run a very tight household. There is nothin' in our house causin' her stress. This is all in her head"

"But I worry-" Mrs. Johanson began before being interrupted again.

"Thank you, Mrs. Johanson!" Mr. McLeod said angrily "I think we've had quite enough art for one evening"

Soon, Charli was roughly grabbed by her father and whisked out of the school in a daze as Mrs. Johanson watched worriedly.

Liverpool, June 1960

Paul sat in the back garden of his family home with his guitar, his thoughts weren't on any specific song, he was even more worried about Charli than he had been a few weeks earlier, it had been 2 months since he'd heard anything from her, in that time he'd sent 3 more letters.

"Bloody hell, luv...just tell me you're alright," he said to himself running a hand through his hair as he thought on everything.

"Oi! Macca" he heard John's voice jarring him from his thoughts.

"Just a moment luv," John said to someone who was waiting in the house. Paul assumed it was Cynthia.

"Alright, Johnny?" Paul asked smiling at him.

"I should be asking the same of you, lad," John said sitting across from Paul.

"You know the answer," Paul said strumming a few chords "John, I'm really worried about her..."

"I know," John said sympathetically. He did understand his friend's worry, but he also concerned it was taking over him. "Ya' need ta' focus on something else though, and I've got just the plan!"

"Oh?" Paul raised an eyebrow. John grinned.

"Alright, come on out ladies" John called. Cyn and a tall brown haired girl, who Paul recognised from The Casbah came outside.

"Paulie, yer going on a double date with me and Cyn," He said. "You met Dot a couple times at The Casbah, remember?"

"Pleasure to meet you again" Dot smiled.

"Same," Paul smiled weakly. He then pulled John in close "I don't think this is a good idea"

"C'mon Macca," he whispered "It can't hurt, Dot is really bloody keen on ya'. Just one date, that's all...if ya' never want ta' see her again, then I owe ya'."

Paul regarded him a moment. He sighed running a hand over the back of his neck.

"Alright," he sighed "Where are we goin' then ladies?"

Minnesota, June 1960

Charli sat on the edge of the bathtub, there were bruises on her arm from her father's recent anger at her getting a B in gym class. There were also scars from old cuts and fresh, new cuts covering her arm, she had tears in her eyes but smiled slightly that she wasn't feeling numb and finally had control over something.

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A/N:  first, I'm going to say...this was probably the hardest chapter I have ever written in anything ever.  I'm pretty open that a lot of my writing comes from PTSD/anxiety....and I used to be a cutter.  So, there are some personal...accounts?  I guess of the mindset...at least what it was.  So, yeah...this is a pretty vulnerable chapter.  As in, scared to even post.  I SWEAR, just get through the hard chapters...there will be happy times!

Second, I'm actually going to start posting the chapter songs...I have a pretty laid out plan for this fic, however, I listen to the chapter song while writing as it sets the tone/mood.

https://youtu.be/WAGAoy5WZWY