"I might prefer desire to self control
I might prefer crying to being composed
I might prefer chaos to even flow
Its too soon for sense though" ~ Baby, I'm a Queen - Sofi Tukker

**Trigger Warnings:  PTSD, anxiety, drugs**

15 June 1967 2.07pm

"I swear," Jenny said as she and Charli walked back to her home on Cavendish Avenue "You and Paul, know all the best places for food and booze"

Charli smirked "We need proper fuel if we're going to get this bloody book finished"

"I love the way yer mind works" Jenny laughed. The peered at the crowded gate.

"Paul must be home," Charli noted. There had been a few fans gathered around before they left, but they'd doubled in numbers.

"Ugh..." Jenny groaned "I love coming over to see the two of you, but I hate this part"

"You don't have to deal with it every day" Charli shrugged.

"At least the press likes you now" Jenny encouraged.

"True. The press thinks I'm some sort of tattooed fairy after that performance....but the fans still hate me" Charli laughed. Very few fans had been kind to her, despite Paul telling them to behave.

"They love focussing on your tattoos don't they?" Jenny laughed distracting Charli as they pushed their way through to the gate. "I still can't believe you met Hendrix,"

"Jimi is really lovely, very kind" Charli smiled as she tried grabbing for her keys "Mind holding this luv?"

Jenny took the bag full of alcohol and snacks from Charli as she fumbled with her keys. A large girl with mousy brown hair stepped in front of her.

"Excuse me," Charli said angrily.

"I came all the way from America to see him, to be with him" she sneered.

"That's nice, you wasted a plane ticket," Charli said trying to push past her.

"You don't deserve him" the American girl hissed.

"Leave off, will ya'?" Jenny bit as they pushed past her.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" The girl grabbed Charli by her upper arm. The memory of her father grabbing her arm in the same way coursed through her body as she screamed loudly and frantically tried unlocking the gate.

"DON'T TOUCH HER!" Jenny yelled angrily pulling the girl off of Charli.

"I'll do what I want!" The fan yelled. A few others laughed at the situation, fewer gasped in horror as Charli shook violently while Jenny helped her inside.

"Fucking bitches!" Jenny yelled at them as she locked the gate. She looked to Charli who had gone pale white and stared nowhere still shaking.

"Hey, it's alright" Jenny tried soothing "You're home now"

Without thinking she placed a hand on Charli's shoulder.

"No!" Charli sobbed as she dropped to the ground cowering away from her best friend.

"Shite...Shite..." Jenny panicked "C'mon luv, it's me"

Charli screamed again stuck inside her memory.

Meanwhile, inside the house, Martha was frantically pawing at the front door and barking loudly.

"Chrissakes Martha," Paul grumbled as he got up from reading his paper "It's just the bleeding fans, calm down!"

Martha only barked louder and rushed to the window. Paul pulled the curtain back seeing Charli on the ground and Jenny desperately trying to help her.

Within seconds Paul was running down the front lawn.

"PAUL!" Jenny called as she saw him "I don't know what to do"

"What happened?" Paul asked worriedly as he bent down before Charli.

"Some fucking twat grabbed her when we were trying to get in!" Jenny said through tears "She just freaked and I don't know what to do"

"Charli luv," Paul said calmly as he cautiously touched her hair. She flinched but didn't scream.

"C'mon luv, let's get you inside" he soothed. Charli sobbed harder suddenly and reached out to Paul, he picked her up and carried her inside as Jenny picked up the bag from their run to the shops and followed him inside.

"You're alright, kitten," he said laying her in bed "you're home"

"He's going to hurt me again," Charli sobbed in terror.

"No one is going to hurt you," Paul soothed. "I promise"

He kissed her cheek softly as he handed her Rocky. Martha hopped on the bed and curled up beside Charli.

"Taking me spot?" Paul laughed softly, "You're a good girl, Martha"

He turned his attention to Charli again who held Rocky tight, she seemed calmer but still stuck inside her memories. He sat with her a while longer until she was soothed into sleep.

"Does that happen a lot?" Jenny asked as Paul entered the kitchen, the bag from her and Charli's trip still remained on the counter, unpacked. She was upset by what had happened and stood at the counter smoking.

Paul shrugged "I wouldn't say often," he said, "But, there are certain things that set her off."

"I was so scared Paul, I didn't know what to do" Jenny admitted.

"It's alright, you were fine" Paul smiled as he began putting away the food and drinks Charli and Jenny had bought.

"To be honest, I'm still learning what to do when this happens" he admitted. Jenny stubbed out her cigarette in a nearby ashtray and began helping him. She noticed, behind the usually optimistic face, there was a sadness in his eyes.

"Hey," she said placing a hand on his arm "I'm sure she appreciates everything you do. You've always been great together"

He smiled weakly "Thanks Jen," he sighed "Its really hard to see her like that, its a bit like her mind gets stuck in a loop and she comes through briefly before sinking back. She's back in therapy which helps, but..." he paused a moment realising they hadn't spoken about what happened "Jen, what happened outside?"

"Fuck me!" Jenny sighed loudly "The fans, they were absolutely potty! Usually, we can manage, but there were so many and this big American bird blocked Charli and me, when Charli managed to push past her, she grabbed her arm and Charli just lost it"

Jenny grabbed Paul's arm similarly to how the fan had grabbed Charli.

"Hmm.." Paul hummed pressing his lips together in disapproval as he understood the full extent of what had happened.

"I tried to keep them away," Jenny admitted nervously.

"It's not yer fault," he said finally "I'm going to have a chat with them. Stay here, make yerself at home"

**

The screams and chattering grew louder as Paul opened the gate and stepped outside.

"Paul! Sign my LP of Sgt Pepper!"

"I've waited 3 days to see you!!"

"We love you!!"

"Girls," he began "Calm down, please"

They were quiet, eagerly waiting for him to speak again.

"I didn't come out to sign," he advised. There were a few disappointed groans and tears.

"I came out to tell you what's happening inside my house after what happened today," He said. The usual smiling, winking Paul was nowhere to be found the fans noticed. They knew he was unhappy.

"First, I want to thank all of you for being there for the band, for me, some of you from the beginning," he swallowed hard, thinking of what had happened "I also want you to know, I love Charli very much and what happened today can never happen again.."

"She went crazy!" a girl called out as a few agreed with her.

"And her friend was rude to me," A mousy haired girl with an American accent said.

"I'm sorry girls, Jenny, is also a close friend of mine and she doesn't lie, she told me everything" Paul countered. "Charli, was completely terrified when I found her, she's now upstairs sleeping"

"I just grabbed her arm softly to get her attention, I came all the way from Ameri-" The American girl said.

"You grabbed her in a way that sent her right back to when her da' broke her arm" Paul interrupted, there was a hint of anger in his voice. There were a few gasps from some of the girls.

"Look, girls, Charli has been through a lot. I've known her since we were kids, her parents treated her terribly," Paul informed them running a hand through his hair, he hated reliving what he had seen during their younger years. "It still gets to her, if you lot are going to hang about the gates, don't touch her. Ever."

There was silence before a young girl with jet black hair spoke: "Is she okay?"

"At the moment, she's asleep...so she's fine," Paul answered "She'll be ok eventually...Now, I'm going back inside for the evening, I may sign in a few days, but for the time being, I need to take care of my family"

**

"Well, we did have some good news," Jenny admitted. It was a couple hours later, things had calmed down outside, she and Paul sat playing cards and chatting.

"Oh?" Paul nodded for her to continue as he lit a cigarette.

"Much as the alcohol was to fuel Charli and me in getting more work done on this book, it was also to celebrate; the magazine company I'm working for wants to commission her work" Jenny grinned proudly.

"That's fantastic!" Paul exclaimed. "She worked all night on her bloody portfolio"
He glanced at the clock, realising Charli had been asleep for awhile.

"I should be there when she wakes up" he sighed. "I hope the sleep helped"

He stood up from the dining room table.

"Jen, you're welcome to stay," he smiled "I don't know how long it will be, so if ya' need to go, I understand"

"I'll stay," Jenny said "'Sides, I can have a look through your albums, you always seem to get the newest music before anyone I know"

"Make yourself at home," he grinned as he made his way upstairs.

**

Charli awoke slowly, she could hear a guitar lightly strumming and the voice she loved to hear more than anything singing a song that had made him famous and won recognition from many other songwriters.

Why she had to go

I don't know, she wouldn't say

I said 'something wrong?'

Now I long for yesterday...

"The last time I saw you sing that was on the telly in New York," she yawned rolling over to face him. Paul smiled and stopped playing.

"Really...I thought you hated our music then" He smirked.

"Hate is a strong word," she smiled sleepily as she sat up "I just wanted to avoid it...but it was impossible. You looked...sad...I had the silly notion at the time, given the lyrics, maybe you were thinking about us"

She laughed at the thought as Martha happily greeted her.

"Not silly at all," Paul smiled as he set the guitar down and sat next to her "I was thinking of you whenever I sang it, I was a bit happy John decided to joke with me after that, put me in better spirits"

They smiled at each other. Charli frowned slightly "I had another episode, didn't I?"

Paul nodded. "It's okay luv, I understand"

"I love you so much," she sighed as she snuggled against him "I'm sorry I'm crazy"

"How many times do I have to tell you yer not crazy?" Paul laughed. Charli smiled weakly.

"I love you more than you realise," He continued "I understand there are goin' to be rough days, I'm here for ya's when ya' need me luv"

Charli smiled, then was hit with the realisation "Shite! I forgot about Jenny!" she said, "I should call her.."

"She's still here" Paul laughed "She's downstairs, didn't want ta' leave until you were okay"

**

"Bloody hell Paulie," Jenny called from the front room as she heard him coming down the stairs "How is it your version of Surrealistic Pillow is so different from my version? There're so many different songs!"

"That's the US release," Paul advised as he and Charli entered the front room.

"Hey! She's back" Jenny said happily standing up to greet her.

"Sorry Jen," Charli said rubbing the back of her neck.

"Ya' know Charli," she teased "If ya' didn't want to work on the book tonight, you could've just said so."

Charli laughed "I've had a nap so let's get to work!"

17 June 1967, 9.02pm

Don't you worry 'bout what's on your mind,

I'm in no hurry, I can take my time

The Rolling Stones roared through the house.

"Mick!" Charli heard Paul's voice laugh from the kitchen "You git! Yer the only bastard I know who would play his own records at his party"

"Its the only time I can GO to a party and hear our music instead of your's!" Mick laughed.

"Enjoying yourself?" Marianne asked Charli handing her another drink.

"Of course!" Charli enthused. "Thanks for having us...and by us, I mean everyone in London"

Marianne laughed. "Mick loves to throw a bash now and then"

"So does Paul, he's been so busy lately he hasn't had the chance," Charli said taking a sip of her drink "Plus, I'm sure Mrs Kelly doesn't mind NOT cleaning up after it"

"The last party Paul threw," Marianne mused "John's trousers somehow wound up in a tree...of course John, being John didn't care and served everyone their drinks in his pants."

Charli laughed loudly knowing the antics Paul and his friends could get up to.

"To this day, no one will fess up to who did it" Marianne smiled.

Before she could ask how they'd gotten the trousers in and, for that matter out of the tree, Charli felt Paul's arms around her waist from behind as he sang in her ear.

Let's spend the night together,

Now I need you more than ever

"I spend every night with you luv," Charli laughed softly as she reached a hand back and ran her fingers through his hair.

"Doesn't matter," Paul said so only she could hear "I still want to get you home and in bed whenever we're out."

He took her hand and spun her to face him.

"You have a one track mind McCartney" she smirked as they continued dancing together.  Marianne had gone to find Mick, the room was full of London's elite, smoking, dancing and enjoying themselves.

"You have no idea," Paul growled pulling her against his body "You know, there's plenty of rooms we could sneak off to for a bit"

Charli's face went red, she bit her lip coyly. She realised they might catch a little hell but she'd had enough to drink she didn't care.

"Trust me," Paul whispered "No one will care, I keep seein' ya's in those shorts and yer long tops and I can't help meself"

They found themselves upstairs, Paul listened at a door to see if it was occupied, there was a loud noise signifying it was in fact occupied.

"Not that one," he laughed. His hand was tightly gripped around Charli's hand.

He listened at the door of another room, it was quiet. He knocked softly, there was no answer.

"Perfect," he said opening the door. As they entered, Paul and Charli abruptly stopped realising they weren't alone. On the bed, in various stages of undress, were Keith and two blondes.

"Wazzat?" Keith said sitting upright.

"Shit! Sorry la'," Paul said as Charli stifled a laugh.

"Hey, Macca...no worries mate," Keith grinned. "The two of you want in? Mindy here likes girls as well"

The blonde to his right giggled and waved at Charli.

"No thanks, we're good," Paul said as they backed out of the room and closed the door. Once the door was closed, Charli laughed.

"I think we may be out of luck luv," She laughed as she leaned against the wall.

Paul leaned into her, pressing her against the wall more. One hand rested on her waist, while the other was at the back of her neck, his fingers playing with her hair.

"Never out of luck," He smirked before kissing her, deeply. She moaned into the kiss happily as he pulled her leg over his hip. Charli laughed as she pulled away from the kiss.

"Calm yourself la'!" She smiled "I'm willing to do a lot of things with ya' luv, but we're not having a go at it in the bloody hallway!"

"You're probably right..." Paul said pressing his forehead against hers "I just get a bit wrapped up in you"

He kissed her nose softly.

"Hey," Charli laughed "Yer not blamin' me for this, I was fine with me bevvy downstairs"

Paul laughed as he took her hand again.

"I've got one more idea," Paul winked as he led her to the end of the hall.

Soon, they reached a room with a set of French doors, Paul peered inside, it was dark but he could tell there was no one inside.

"Perfect," he said opening the set of doors as they let themselves in. Once inside the room, he immediately drew a large set of curtains over the door and turned on a small lamp sitting on a side table.

"What is this?" Charli asked looking around at the bookcases along one wall of the small room as Paul sat on the small couch nearby.

"Mick's library," he answered as she sat with him "The lad's a git, but he likes to keep up with popular literature. Nobody comes in here, I don't think anyone really knows about it...I usually nab a few books from him.."

He turned his attention back to Charli, "Now, where were we?" he asked as he laid her back on the couch.

"Somewhere between civilized conversation and sharing a room with Keith and friends," Charli smirked as his hand travelled up inside her shirt.

"MACCA!" they could hear John call excitedly from downstairs. "Where are ya's??"

"John's arrived..." Paul laughed as he kissed Charli. "Glad I locked the door"

"He wouldn't.." Charli said between kisses.

"We're going to catch Hell from him later," Paul said as he removed her shorts and his hand slid between her legs, Charli couldn't care less at what awaited them later that evening.

*

"Right, let's face the music luv," Paul said as he finished dressing. Charli smirked as they quietly snuck out of the library.

"You, have been absolutely crazed lately," Charli laughed as he took her hand "I'm bloody lucky I can walk right!"

Paul laughed.

"I didn't hear you complainin'" he said as he spun her to face him and placed his arms around her waist "This is shapin' up to be the best summer in years! Our album is doing better than we imagined, we've got another film comin' up, best of all you're here with me through all of this"

*

"Oh, sweetheart, don't be embarrassed" Pattie giggled as she passed Charli a glass of wine, "I think all of us have been snuck off to a room at some party or another by the lads"

"They're a bit impossible to resist" Mo grinned "Zak is proof of that"

Charli laughed with Pattie and Mo, she had only met Maureen, known to the rest as Mo, a handful of times as most evenings she was home taking care of Zak, but she had been insistent Ringo find a sitter that evening so she could go out.

"It's not that embarrassing really," Charli laughed as she drank her wine "The fanfare from John covered that"

"You know how they are," Pattie laughed "Constantly have to take the piss"

"I wish Cyn could have made it" Mo sighed "I'm worried about her, you know?"

"We'll go 'round tomorrow," Pattie said "For now let's not think on it"

There had been an odd strain between John and Cyn the last few times they'd been out, Charli had noticed it at the opening party for Sgt. Pepper. Paul hadn't told her anything, she hadn't thought to ask as her own friendship with John was still in recovery and he'd seemed in a good mood that night.

"Speaking of the lads," Pattie grinned "Let's see what they're getting up to"

Charli found Paul sitting on a couch laughing at something Donovan had said in Mick's lounge, the room was a haze of smoke.

"Fancy meetin' you here gorgeous," Paul said as he saw her enter.

"What are the odds?" Charli smirked as she sat beside him, his arm instantly around her.

Donovan smiled and nodded as she greeted him as well.

"Evening Charli, Darlin'" Jimi said as he entered the room. Paul and Charli had had Jimi over a few times since his performance at the Saville earlier in the month.

"Jimi!" She said happily as she got up to hug him briefly "When did ya' get here?"

"From what I know," Jimi grinned "When you and Paul were upstairs..."

"Shaggin'!" John added. "Jimi brought us presents"

Charli shook her head and laughed with Paul, the flak they caught from Lennon was far less than she'd expected, but enough to keep the party laughing most of the night. Jimi reached into his coat pocket and extracted a plastic bag with dozens of small papers and began passing them around to those in the room, Charli knew exactly what it was.

"So, uh...Charli, are you experienced?" Jimi grinned quoting his own music as he held out a small square of coloured paper to her.

"Nice one, la'" she laughed as she took the paper from him "clearly, you don't know me very well"

"Ta," Paul smiled as he took one as well.

"Oi, Macca!" John called "Aren't ya' worried about the press?"

There was a smirk on his face. Life magazine had run an article that day in which Paul admitted taking LSD, the press had been trying to get in touch since.

"They can bloody talk to me after me birthday," he laughed "It's their fuckin' fault for printing it"

"Relax luv," Charli smiled as she held the dab on her finger up to him "It doesn't matter"

That afternoon before the party had been extremely stressful as the press didn't stop calling, the fans wouldn't stop buzzing and photographers had camped out everywhere they could. Mick's party had been a release for them both, Paul smiled as he kissing her fingertip as the small piece of paper laced with LSD disappeared from her fingertip, before offering Charli the same.

***

"Yer like fire..." Paul smiled warmly "I look at you and see fire..."

"Fire?" Charli laughed "But fire consumes everything....destroys it..."

"You sure as fuck have consumed me" Paul laughed as he pulled her closer to him "The way I see it, fire is warm...its chaos...but it's loving...just don't anger it"

Charli smirked before kissing him. After discussing life, the universe and everything with everyone else, many decided it was time to call it a night. Many decided to spend the night at Mick's and took to various rooms. Paul and Charli were in the library again, Paul laid on the couch, his shirt open as Charli laid on top of him, her top missing, with a blanket covering them both.

"Promise you'll come with us when we start filming again?" Paul asked.

"Of course," Charli smiled "It's not until September, unless something major comes up...I have nothing planned in September"

Paul, had excitedly, spent the night telling the others about his idea for a "scrupt". Charli had no idea what he was going on about and had the feeling John, George and Ringo didn't either, but it was impossible not to be excited.

"Winter..." Charli said running her fingers through his hair, "You remind me of winter.."

"Of all the things I thought you'd say," Paul laughed "That was the last thing..."

He giggled loudly, Charli couldn't help but giggle along.

"I'm sorry luv," he sighed wiping a tear from his eye from laughter "Go on...how am I like winter? Cold? Unfeeling? I thought I treated you well"

"Stop it!" Charli laughed at his teasing "No...You remind me of winter because much as your life can be a storm...a blizzard..of insanity...in the midst of it all, winter is calm at the centre, serene...you make me calm"

He smiled at her explanation, suddenly she started laughing again.

"Fuck me," Charli laughed "I'm a bloody poet when I'm high..."

She buried her face into his neck embarrassed at what she'd said. Paul laughed softly at her reaction as he idly played with her hair.

"No, I like it," he said, "besides, what could be more perfect? A warm fire and a calm winter go perfectly together."

"I'll always be your fire" Charli sighed as she snuggled closer to him.

"And I'll always be your winter" Paul smiled as he closed his eyes.

25 June 1967 1.04pm

Charli sat on the ground in Studio 1 painting a shirt in psychedelic/Indian inspired patterns as Paul spoke with Brian and George Martin about how the rest of the day would play out. She glanced up hearing him laugh and smiled slightly.

"Hey kitten," he said as he looked over her shoulder "Feeling alright?"

"I'm doing okay," she smiled up at him "Want ta' help me out? I'm makin' this for you"

Paul smiled and sat with her. Earlier that day as they got ready for The Beatles' performance for Our World which would be the world's first satellite broadcast, Charli admitted much as she loved everything in their life, after the whirlwind of the last month she had felt overwhelmed and socially burnt out. Paul promised they would find time for just the two of them soon, a time they could escape together and get away from it all.

"I'm really glad you're here," he said as he added to her design "I'm actually a little nervous meself"

"Nervous?" Charli laughed "You've been performing fer years!"

"I know," Paul admitted "But every time we're about to go on stage or perform on the telly...I still get a bit anxious. I know you've been a little overwhelmed, but having you here tonight makes me feel a bit better"

Charli smiled "I'll be alright luv," she said finally "I'm happy I can keep you calm now and then...but tomorrow, I just need a day to meself. No going out...nothing. Just me and you"

Paul frowned slightly "We're recording the new song tomorrow, I don't know how long it will take"

"Oh," Charli said feeling a little disappointed.

"I've got nothing on after that for a few days" Paul tried cheering her up "That can be our time to do whatever we please"

"I do have rehearsal on Tuesday night," Charli said adding another colour to the design "But aside from that...it's a date"

**

"I think it's adorable he's wearing it," Pattie giggled as she completed a sign with Charli.

"It was barely dry when he decided to put it on!" Charli laughed. Paul and Charli had finished the shirt she was working on just before the rest arrived, it had been a few hours and once it was dry enough Paul excitedly put it on over the shirt he was already wearing.

The broadcast wasn't set to air until around 9.30pm that night it was nearing 6 pm as The Beatles rehearsed and their friends and partners socialised and created signs and decor for the evening.

Already, Studio 1 was looking more like a 60's happening than a recording studio. Despite her initial feelings of anxiety, Charli was beginning to feel excited by the evening and was enjoying herself and the company around her.

"Hey Charli," John said approaching her as she finished another sign.

"Hi John," Charli said cautiously. John had seemed more relaxed around her when Paul was around, but still not as talkative when they were alone.

"Macca wanted me to tell ya's, there's dinner in the canteen" John advised. Charli looked up realising almost everyone had gone save a few orchestra musicians rehearsing and chatting amongst themselves.

"Bloody hell," Charli sighed wiping her hair from her face and managing to smudge a streak of black paint on her cheek. "Thanks, Ma--" she stopped still not sure about her friendship with John. He smirked and laughed lightly.

"Wha'?" Charli laughed with him

"Oh, nothing" he offered her a hand up "Ta for all the work on the posters and decor"

Charli took his hand nervously.

"Just want ta' make meself useful" she explained. John smirked.

"So...are we, good?" Charli asked as they left the studio.

"Getting better all the time" John laughed "Look, Charli...I have my issues with what happened...But fucking Macca is crazy about ya', I figure I should at least be cordial"

"I reckon that's like sayin' we're bezzie mates given the last time we talked" Charli laughed. John laughed as well.

"Yeah, but if ya' hurt him," John said seriously "you'll have to answer ta' me"

"Deal," she answered "But, I'll make ya' eat yer words...I have no intention of ever hurting the lad"

The night was a whirlwind of laughter, music and general chaos. As Charli sat with Pattie singing along to The Beatles' newest song happily, she watched as London's in-crowd sat happily at the feet of the band taking over the world one song at a time. Just as she looked back to The Beatles themselves, she saw Paul nodding for her to join him. She happily obliged trying not to make a scene, as the song was ending and she reached him, Paul pulled her close to his side and smiled happily before kissing her.

As confetti fell, Pattie and George shared a moment before Ringo budded in and John did similar with Paul, Charli stood and laughed with the kings of music and felt like a queen.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://youtu.be/9wjSq61bmGc

A/N:  OMG!  I am so sorry I'm taking forever with updates...this chapter actually took a HUGELY different turn when I started writing it!  Needless to say, I had to rework it in my head as I went along.

A few things I wanted to show;  much as life is better for Charli with Paul, PTSD doesn't magically go away...neither would her drug habits and with Paul being in the midst of the culture, it would be easy for either of them to obtain it.  And, Paul, much as he gets that the heroin was bad for her, wouldn't think much on things like LSD.  

Anyway, I really am thankful for everyone keeping up with me!  Your patience, reads, votes and love make sure I sit down amongst my own chaos and write!!

Cheers! :)