It was late December and ofcourse I hadn't asked Otto to leave. I just simply couldn't, we were getting along better than ever.

For him it was a friendship of circumstance and for me it was a heavily dysfunctional platonic relationship.

Once, I tried to cheat on my fake boyfriend, swiping through my Grindr countless times. I concluded that they didn't make guys like Otto in America... I was hopelessly smitten.

Otto was going home for Christmas, so I'd be getting some alone time to reflect on my emotional masochism.

I drove him to the airport and gave him a hug goodbye. I probably held on a bit longer than I should have. Four hours later, I had to pick him up again, as all flights had been cancelled due to heavy snowfall.

He was furious with his dad for booking a cheap flight so close to Christmas Eve. For Germans it was their big celebration and now it was impossible for him to make it home on time. Ofcourse, I was going to invite him to my parents again.

The snow not only fucked up the air traffic, we spent hours on the road home. When we finally got home, he poured us a whiskey from the bottle he'd bought for his dad. Four glasses later and we were giggling like children.

"It's good to hear you laugh," Otto said.

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"You seem very... pensive, lately," Otto said, looking at me intently.

Had he finally figured it out? Should I just tell him? And what would that accomplish? There was absolutely no evidence that he could reciprocate my feelings, despite my attempts at convincing myself otherwise. 

Yet my alcohol addled brain stepped outside of my self-made prison long enough to say, "Someone I care about will change their opinion of me if they find out... something."

"Well, that's very vague. Have you killed someone? Stolen? Cheated?" he asked.

"No," I said, laughing nervously.

"Then it can't be that bad," he said, pouring me more whiskey. "You're a good guy. This person's opinion shouldn't hold such power over you."

If only he knew.

"I think I might be in love," I said, my ears humming with the fear of having said it out loud.

"In love?" he repeated, looking surprised. "But you made it sound like you commited a crime!"

"It feels like one," I said. "If I say nothing, I'll never know but maybe that's for the best."

"Is it eating you up on the inside?" he said with concern.

"Yes," I breathed.

"Is it one of your friends, Eddie, Jay?" he asked after a moment's silence.

How could I simultaneously be angry at him for not seeing the obvious, yet so relieved he hadn't figured it out.

"It's not Eddy or Jay. It's..."

I stared deep into his eyes, my lips a fraction of a second away from saying the words, "It's you."

Instead, I chickened out at the last moment and said, "It's a guy from work. I'm scared of making my professional life unbearable if he doesn't feel the same way."

"Ah," he said, as if it all made sense to him now. 
"Perhaps, you can use the Christmas break to gain some perspective and decide if he's truly worth it in the New Year."

Some solid advice, Otto. Thank you very fucking much! I'd planned to do exactly that but you missed your damn flight!

"I guess you're right," I said with a sigh.

"For what it's worth, the guy should consider himself lucky. You're a genuinely good person, a rarity in these troubled times."

Otto, Otto, Otto, keep talking like that and I'll just jump into your lap and...

Shit, my head was spinning and it wasn't just from the alcohol.