If I don't die of frustration, my dreams might kill me...
Maybe those dreams don't even mean anything and it's just my brain making things up.
Irene is fine and I don't even know who that guy is...

As I was thinking I heard a knock at the door and told the person to enter which of course is my mother.

"Hey sweetheart" she came in and sat down in front of me on the bed

"Hey mom" I smiled "what's up?"

"Listen, sweety... I know this is sudden and I didn't ask your permission for it but your doctor said it would be for the best..."

I looked at her in confusion "What are you talking about?"

"A Psychiatrist..."

"What??"

"I know how that might sound but you need someone to talk to" she explained "I feel you have a burden on your shoulder... I don't like it"

"Don't we all?"

"Please sweetheart just try... once" she held my hand in hers "For me.."

I stayed silent for a while thinking about it.
What if this might help??
What if I really need someone to talk to? Someone I don't know...

'Doubt to trust'

I can't trust anyone around me... and this person could help me understand my dreams or my illness...

I have to understand...

Just once...

"Fine... I'll go" I sighed "Once..."

She extended her hands and pulled me to her chest. "Everything is going to be okay sweetheart. I promise."
___________________________________

"If you don't mind, I'm going to ask you some questions and take notes so my memory would stay fresh"

"Sure," I said smiling softly

"You can stop me and comment on anything anytime you like." He stopped for a second and held his notepad then looked at me. "Okay, Chanel... Tell me what brings you here?"

"I need to speak to someone."

"Okay then. What do you think is your problem?"

"My amnesia..." I answered and breathed in "The gap in the middle between now and my childhood memories"

"What kind of amnesia do you have?"

"It's temporary...Retrograde? I think its called"

"Okay just to be clear some of the symptoms of retrograde are being unable to remember things that happened before a traumatic event, forgetting people, faces and places and facts. retaining older memories, especially from childhood." He explained "and just so you understand how psychology could help in this type of amnesia... It's by improving memories lost due to traumatic events."

I nodded in acceptance of what he said

"Chanel. How would you describe your mood overall?"

"Not good. I'm always confused... always frustrated. I feel like there are a lot of things I don't understand; a lot of things I missed. I feel like all the memories I have are meaningless and of no use... Everything in my life is just misplaced. My parents, my unexisting friends, my family, the neighbours... everything. The memories I lost were the most important memories I had. Without them I'm nothing..."

"Alright. Chanel, everyone who comes here expects something different. I believe you are paying me to help you at something. What do you expect from me? How do you want me to help?" He asked

"I want my memories back... at least parts of them. I need to connect even the smallest puzzle pieces together"

"I know it's hard to talk to a stranger about your life and how you feel. Whenever you feel like you could; start telling me your story. Whenever you're ready."

I took a second to gather the information I had in my glitched brain to say them to him.
"My childhood was pretty good. My parents raised me very well. Everything I wanted; I got. I had a lot of friends in the neighbourhood. My closest friend though was my cousin Irene. She knew everything about me. She still does. I just saw her once though and we didn't get to talk much so she couldn't remind me of anything. Even the things she mentioned I had no clue about." I rubbed my face and sighed "Then there's the gap... and then now. My parents can't stand each other, as hard as they try to hide it. Something happened that I don't know of... My neighbours just look at me with disgust every time I walk by... I have only one friend, Xander, he's a nice guy but I can't remember him Of course. There's this girl who was there when I came back but I never saw her again. I couldn't remember her either. I get nightmares. Horrible and confusing ones. That's it."

"What are the dreams usually about?" He asked

"Well... they're usually about people. A guy in specific, I don't know but every time I dream of him he says I should know him and I should doubt to trust... I once dreamt of Irene, we were singing our song when we were young and then it turned into a nightmare... We were in a graveyard and she started screaming" I teared up just remembering the nightmare "She was saying I didn't say it I showed it and I never knew what that meant"

"Usually dreams for amnesiacs are a form of remembering events or a part of reality but of course sometimes it's just dreams, as in normal dreams that have no meaning. Why didn't you think of letting go of your past and start living your new life?"

"I try... but it's like something just keeps tugging me back"

He nodded while writing then he looked at me

"I have nothing else to say.." I said before he asks other questions

"Okay, Chanel. I'm going to be available to you whenever you want. I'll give you my number just in case anything happens and you need to share it"

"Thank you, doctor," I said while standing up "This session kind of lifted some weight.."

He smiled softly and stood up "I'm glad.."

As I was walking out of the room I stopped at my tracks "Images.." I turned around "I get weird images.." I told him

"What kind of images?" He asked

"I don't know... but its like suddenly i zone out and get something like visions" i shrugged "I thought i should tell you that" I said while walking out
____________________________________

I walked into my room and laid down. When I finished the session with the doctor I took a long walk. I don't know but somehow I calmed down. I feel like I can breathe. I guess I needed this.

Leo called and texted so did Xander. I like the fact that they care about me. I got nothing from Irene. I guess she got busy.

I went to my closet and looked at my safe. How could nobody know about its existence? Even Irene...
Was I that good at hiding things? I mean honestly, it's my closet; everyone is allowed to open it. So that's, not a good hiding place.

I got up and laid down. My eyes got heavy and I started to fade into the world that scares me the most.

I breathed out slowly and faded away...

"Staaaahp" I said laughing

"Never!" A guy said while tickling me

I kept laughing then held both his hands and pulled him down on me and whispered "I Love You, Dane " as our lips crashed into a slow passionate kiss