tw: discussion of a vaguely sexual nature, kissing

— dix ; ten —

"AND WHERE ARE YOU two off to?"

Henri still felt a little disorientated at the glimpse into the future his new jersey and racquet had given him, and almost didn't hear the question from Alixis. Soren ignored her, continuing to the Black Hall, most likely to grab his car keys. That left Henri at the mercy of the Ravens' questions. At least Benjamin and KJ weren't here, so that was a decent amount of insults he could avoid. Small mercies.

"Why would I tell you?" Henri said.

"As expected," Aria said, nudging Matthias in the side where she was perched on the arm of his chair. "Hear that, Matty? He's already decided who he wants to sleep with here, and it isn't you."

Matthias smiled in a good natured way. "No sweat. I don't mind sharing you with Soren."

Henri was momentarily thrown off by how openly they spoke about sex, but recovered quickly. "Don't make me sick," he said. "I'm not sharing anything with any of you."

"He's a picky one, isn't he?" Henri didn't like the gleam in Jude's eyes. "He thinks he can hog Soren all to himself. Good luck with that. Maybe he's good in bed, but he's awfully clinical and purely physical about those things. Always quick to draw the line, which is annoying if you're into something a bit more long term."

Aria laughed. "Like any of us are."

It took Henri a second to comprehend what Jude was saying but when it clicked into place, he wasn't quite able to hide his shock. "Wait," he said stupidly. "You've slept with him?"

"What, you thought you were the only one he's messed around with?" Jude exchanged an amused look with the others. "You're in for a rough time when he grows bored and ditches you. Maybe he's interested now, but he won't even look at you twice when he's done with you. I can't wait to watch it."

"Don't worry," Matthias said, with a grin at Henri. "I've been told I'm a great rebound."

Henri was too stunned by this new piece of information to correct their assumption that there was anything going on between him and Soren. He was thinking about the conversation they'd had only a few hours ago, which had followed Henri's own inappropriate thoughts about Soren. He hadn't thought to ask Soren's sexuality because it wasn't relevant and couldn't matter, but now Jude was sitting here telling him they'd had sex. Most Ravens get around to it at some point, considering we're all forced together and have nothing better to do. Isn't that what Soren had said to him? It just hadn't occurred to Henri that those words applied to himself too.

It shouldn't have changed anything, but it changed everything in Henri's head.

He remained silent as he walked out of the stadium with Soren and got in the passenger seat, his head spinning with a hundred more questions thrown to the mix. He'd wanted to get away from Castle Evermore so he wouldn't have to think about Exy, but now he wanted to get away from Soren so he didn't have to think about what he'd just learnt. Or maybe he did want to think about it, but not while Soren was sitting so close to him, close enough that he could reach out and touch him if he wanted to.

Which he didn't. Except — maybe he did. And that was a problem.

Henri was so wrapped up in his thoughts and trying not to think about Soren that he didn't even consider their destination, until the car pulled to a stop. He looked out of the window properly for the first time and recognised the building. "The shopping centre?" he asked, bemused.

"You said anywhere," Soren said. "I want food. This is where we ended up."

"I'm not complaining."

Inside the bustling mall, filled with chattering teenagers and wandering families, Henri tried to distract himself enough that he couldn't think. The mall was probably the best place to distract himself. Last time they'd come, it had been the dead of night and practically deserted. Now it was filled with life and every shop was open. Henri wandered into random ones if the window display looked interesting, knowing he had no money and content just to browse. It wasn't the most exciting way to pass time in the world but anything was better than being trapped in Castle Evermore for a second longer.

Soren had left him to explore and returned not long later with a fruit salad. "That is so pathetic," Henri said, utterly appalled. "We're finally away from the disgustingly healthy food Castle Evermore has, and of all the snacks available here, you choose that?"

"There's a reason everything is healthy," Soren said, unmoved by Henri's reaction. "How can we play well if we feed our body with trash? I'm not wasting time with chocolate and sweets if it'll just leave me sluggish."

"Pathetic," Henri repeated. "And obsessive."

"Explains a lot about your ability to play."

"I haven't touched a single sweet thing since I've come here," Henri said indignantly. "Not that I would want to. Some of the brands you sell here? American chocolate looks disgusting."

"Good." Soren wasn't the least bit sympathetic to his plight. "Maybe that'll stop you from gorging yourself on it."

Henri didn't have anything in particular he was looking for as he roamed the mall, but he spotted something in the next storefront that caught his eye. He went inside, distantly aware of Soren following him, and found what he was looking for at the back of the store. Sketchpads, row after row of them, all of varying size and shape and colour. Displayed next to them were all the supplies you could ever want — pencils of every shade and thickness, fineliners, paints, oils, charcoal, crayons. Henri reached out to brush his fingers along the sharpened pencil tips, remembering a lifetime when all of this was his.

Henri liked to draw. He wasn't particularly amazing or talented, but much the same way Soren liked to read all those thick, dusty books, it was a way to pass time in an enjoyable way. He usually gave himself some time before he slept to sketch, anything and everything — the view from his bedroom, the mug on his bedside table, the robin perched on his windowsill. Sometimes he drew images and thoughts and ideas straight out of his head. Most of the time they were messy and lacked clarity, as he had only his imagination to rely on, but occasionally he produced something he was satisfied with.

He had kept a sketchpad tucked beneath his pillow which he could easily slide out whenever he was bored or couldn't sleep, flicking through old sketches or starting new ones. His heart clenched at the thought of where that sketchpad was now. Up in smoke and flames, along with all his other possessions. And his parents.

"Henri?"

He blinked and snapped out of his reverie to see Soren was watching him. "Oh," he said, blinking against the slight mistiness of his eyes. Now wasn't the time for a trip down memory lane. He waited to make sure any grief roughening his voice had faded before speaking again. "Let's go."

Henri wasn't in the mood to walk around shops anymore and dropped onto a bench looking on a fountain. Little kids were running around it, screaming with laughter and delight as they splashed themselves and one another in the water. Every time the stone dolphins spouted water, they'd shriek excitedly and run under the stream. Henri half-expected Soren to snap at him for wasting time and drag him back to Castle Evermore, but he just sat down next to Henri. Not close enough that they were touching, but close enough that if Henri scooted over an inch, their legs would be pressed up against one another.

And now he was thinking about the things he'd managed to distract himself from for an hour or so. Henri needed to know if it was the truth or if the upperclassmen were just trying to fuck with his head.

"You said the Ravens are always hooking up with each other," Henri said, not sure where he was going with this but forcing his voice to sound casual. He wasn't sure how successful he was with that but bulled on anyway. "How does that not get awkward?"

Soren didn't reply for a moment, maybe wondering where the question was coming from and maybe wondering why Henri was asking him. Henri couldn't bring himself to look at Soren, so he fixed his gaze on the fountain and happy children, wondering whether he'd even get an answer.

"Because there's nothing romantic about it," Soren finally said. "Castle Evermore is a place where being the best is all that matters. It means competition is fierce and pent-up frustration from court is inevitable. The easiest way to burn that off is in bed, with whoever is closest."

"So it's purely physical," Henri said carefully.

"Yes." He could feel Soren watching him from the corner of his eye. "Because of how we live and play, anything sexual between Ravens could only ever stem from a misplaced sense of hatred."

"Is that why you slept with Jude?"

The words slipped out before Henri could stop them and he felt Soren tense beside him. Henri wanted to slap himself the moment he said it. He wanted the truth, yes, but he had intended to subtly dig around for it until Soren gave something away, not outright ask it like that. Henri was unsure how he'd react as this was pretty much uncharted territory he'd waded into.

"Yes," Soren answered, in a measured tone. His voice didn't give anything away and Henri wasn't ready to look at him yet. "That's why. I assume they told you, then."

Henri grimaced. "Yeah."

"Only a matter of time. Not that it means anything. My point still stands," Soren said. "I'm only here for Exy and I don't care what anyone else wants, not in the long run. You can do whatever the hell you want as long as it never causes a problem on my court or your ability to play. The Master has stuck you with me and I have to make the most of that."

Henri couldn't do much more than dumbly nod along. He wanted to ask how that had happened, why Jude of all people, but he felt strangely overwhelmed. Soren was only two years older than him, but Henri didn't doubt he had more experience than just Jude Williams. All the Ravens had more experience than him to the point they could sleep with whoever they pleased on the team and be certain as to what that meant. Henri, on the other hand, still didn't know whether he was straight or not. It shouldn't have bothered him but for some strange reason, it did.

He was only sixteen. He had time to figure these things out, right? But it didn't feel that way with a ticking timebomb hanging over his head that was counting him down to Championships, a reminder that this time next year, he might be dead. And he would die not even knowing who he was.

The thought shook him up more than he was expecting it to.

They didn't stay at the mall for much longer and the ride back to Castle Evermore was silent. Henri had no idea what Soren was thinking about, but his own bewildering thoughts were enough to keep him occupied. He'd never felt more lost about his own identity and he hated this feeling of uncertainty. He needed to know if he liked guys, if this was serious attraction or just a confusion of teenage hormones.

Henri meant to follow Soren down the Black Hall to their room when they returned, where he could lie in bed and feel confused until dinner or sleep, but he found himself coming to a stop in the living area. Soren glanced over his shoulder and slowed only for a second before it was obvious Henri wasn't following him. Henri waited until he heard the bedroom door close before he turned to the Ravens in the room, realising his hesitation had drawn their attention. And Matthias was among them, his lips curling up into a surprised but pleased smile when Henri's gaze lingered on him.

Personal issues aside, Henri could acknowledge he was good looking. His brown eyes were so light they were almost tawny and although he was one of the shorter guys on the team, he still had a good few inches on Henri's tragic height. His position as backliner meant he was well built with a strong body, perfect for muscling out the offence and keeping them away from the goal.

Perfect for experimenting with.

"Matthias," Henri began, and paused. What the hell was he supposed to say? In fact, what the hell was he doing? He was being driven to these ridiculous lengths by a brief lapse in judgement. This was the person who'd shoved him into a car blindfolded in the middle of the night and happily gone along with his friends plans to torment him. He should just go to his room, have a cold shower, and leave it at that.

"Are you cashing in your rebound already?" Aria looked delighted at the thought. "Has Soren dumped you?"

KJ looked between Aria and Henri with narrowed eyes, clearly lost on the conversation he'd missed earlier. "What the hell are you on about?"

"I bet my left arm that's what happened just now," Jude said, ignoring KJ in favour of smiling nastily at Henri. "Isn't that right? Been kicked to the curb by the golden prince?"

Henri wondered whether he was imagining the hint of bitterness beneath the scorn in his voice. He didn't let himself dwell on it. Before he said or did something he regretted, he turned and disappeared into the kitchen, escaping any other questions the Ravens might have for him. He still felt too hot and flustered as he paced along the tiled floor. He filled a glass with water and promptly upended it over his head. The cool wetness plastering his hair to his face and trickling down his neck felt good, but it wasn't enough. He wanted to stick his whole head under the cold stream until he felt a little less flushed.

Yeah, he really needed that cold shower.

Henri turned around and froze. Matthias had come into the kitchen but stopped a few feet away, as if unsure how Henri would take his presence. It didn't matter that Henri hadn't known what to say earlier — they'd all known what that aborted attempt meant. Henri was walking forward without even realising what he doing but stopped before they were touching, although the distance could be easily covered. Henri swallowed and glanced at his mouth, a quick flick that made Matthias grin.

"What changed your mind?" Matthias asked.

"Does it matter?" Now they were less than inch apart and Henri was this close, he had to know. "I still hate you. Don't forget that."

Henri kissed him, a quick brush of his lips that wouldn't last longer than a few seconds. He hadn't anticipated the way Matthias would react and how his own body would react in response, too instinctive for his mind to have any say. Matthias tilted his head to deepen the kiss, his lips unyielding and strong in a way Henri didn't know he'd needed or wanted, and he reached up to tangle his fingers in the older boy's black hair. The fine strands were soft to the touch and Henri curled his fingers through them with enough force that it would hurt, yanking Matthias's head down and closer to his own.

Matthias responded to that aggressive passion by pressing two hands to Henri's chest and shoving him backwards, until he hit the wall. Matthias was pressed up against him now, space no longer a possibility, but Henri liked the forceful crush. He liked that the kiss between them was more fierce and savage than anything else, he liked the way Matthias moaned against his lips when Henri nipped his bottom lip between his teeth, and he definitely liked the way Matthias's hands slipped under the hem of his shirt to explore the expanse of his chest. It was only when he felt Matthias's fingers at the zipper to his jeans that he broke out of the lustful haze.

He shoved Matthias away from him with enough force that he stumbled backwards. "No," Henri gasped, feeling breathless and lightheaded. "I am not doing that with you."

Matthias rubbed a thumb over his swollen lips. "You wanted to stop before the best part?"

"Shut up," Henri snapped, unable to explain the conflicting twist in his chest. It should have been easier now, because that kiss had told him everything he needed to know — he was 100% sober right now and enjoyed that more than he had expected.

So why did he feel so off-kilter?

"Henri?" Matthias prompted.

"Go away," Henri muttered. "I don't want to look at you right now."

Matthias took that rude treatment however he wanted and left him alone. It was a relief, a confirmation of what Soren had told him — Ravens kissed and fucked for the sexual pleasure, not the emotional attachment. Matthias didn't give a fuck about him beyond the fact that he was a pair of lips to make out with. The thought helped him breathe a little easier and he wasn't sure why. None of this mattered. The kiss meant nothing, even if it had just confirmed Henri's sexuality for him.

It was getting late and Henri hoped Soren would already be asleep by the time he crept into the bedroom. No such luck. The overhead lights were off but his bedside lamp was on, casting a dim glow on the room. Henri carefully closed the door behind him and pretended he couldn't feel Soren watching him. He still felt strange, thinking about his fingers in Matthias' hair and his hands against Henri's torso, pressing his bruises hard enough to hurt. He felt like what just happened was written all over his face.

Unlike Henri, and luckily for Henri, Soren wasn't one to ask questions out of sheer curiosity. He let him cross unbothered to the bathroom and Henri let out a low breath once the door was finally closed behind him, collapsing against it. The mirror hanging above the sink showed his sorry reflection — flushed cheeks, swollen lips, tousled hair. He touched his hot face and closed his eyes. He never usually had showers this late at night, preferring to have them in the morning, but he was willing to make an exception to wash away all remnants of the kiss.

He kept it short and cold. He felt better when he stepped out, damp hair tickling the back of his neck and his sleep clothes soft against his cool skin. Henri crawled under his covers and wondered how he'd ended up having such a weird day. Then again, every day in this place felt weird. He didn't know when to next expect a kidnapping in the middle of the night or a beating from the Master. After some time, Soren flicked off his bedside lamp and plunged the room into shadows.

"Hey," Henri whispered into the dark, after some time. He was pretty sure Soren was asleep so he was surprised when he got a response.

"What?"

"Don't you think it's messed up, forcing people who have to see each other all day on court to live together without letting us do anything by ourselves?"

Soren gave a little huff, which Henri was coming to recognise as the sound he made when he thought Henri was asking stupid questions. "I didn't make the decision, I just go along with it."

"Right." Henri waited a beat. "But it doesn't bother you? Having to see them all the time?"

"We have practice tomorrow," Soren said, annoyed. "Can't you bug me with pointless questions when it isn't the middle of the night?"

But Henri didn't want to wait for morning. "I remember when you lost the Championships and Riko killed himself," he said, more to himself than anything. "There were loads of investigations made into the Ravens. One of the reports said you would all be reintegrated with the rest of campus, to help facilitate a more healthy lifestyle."

"There were a lot of reports. The Master listened to some of them, ignored others. We used to have sixteen hour days, to allow for better practice hours. That was one of the changes we had to deal with."

"Maybe you should thank them for that change," Henri said incredulously. "Sixteen hour days is the most stupid thing I've ever heard."

"You're voice is the most stupid thing I've ever heard."

Henri was surprised into a laugh. "That was incredibly immature for someone who acts so high and mighty."

"Shut up," Soren said, but Henri was certain there was a hint of a smile in his voice.

"But it's just too fun annoying you."

"I know where you hid that knife and I won't hesitate to use it," Soren said, but the threat fell a little flat. It lacked the usual contempt and disdain. "Go to sleep, Henri."

"Fine." Henri rolled over, staring into the darkness where he knew Soren was lying even if he couldn't see him, and finally closed his eyes. "Night."

He was drifting off and seconds from unconsciousness when he heard the murmured, "Goodnight."