"...Lord Pein, are you sure this is a good idea? This may completely backfire. Like, horribly."

"I am well aware, Kisame. However, I have a degree in psychology that says that this may also very well work."

"Who in their right minds would give you a degree in psychology?"

"The University of Rain...there may or may not have been a lot of threatening involved. However, I did all of the studying and got good grades, so I fail to see why they were still reluctant to give me a diploma."

"Are you pouting, Lord Pein?"

"Are you talking back to me, Kisame?"

"...sorry."

"That's what I thought. Now, come. This will definitely ensure that we get the Nine-Tails' Jinchuuriki."

-/_\-  Hn.

It was a calm day for Kakashi Hatake. He was getting ready to meet his team near the forest and was immersed in the book in his hands. When he glanced up, though, he choked.

Gai, who had at some point made his way to Kakashi's side, looked at him questioningly. "What is the matter, my eternal rival?"

"G-Gai," Kakashi spluttered, "is that guy wearing an orange lollipop mask-thingy?"

"Do not call it that in his presence! You may hurt Tobi's feelings!"

"Tobi?"

"Yes, that is his name. Are you feeling okay, my eternal rival? Tobi is a very...memorable person."

"You have no right to say anything about being memorable."

"Well, neither do you, my eternal rival."

"...touche."

-/_\-  Hn.

Deidara scowled internally. Why do I have to play the part of the weird green guy? 

-/_\-  Hn.

Sakura was slowly making her way across the Village when she saw him. At first, she felt a strange rush of deja vu, and her muscles were suddenly tense to dodge. That's when she realized who was walking on the other side of the street.

Kisame Hoshigaki. An ex-Seven Swordsman. A missing-nin. Here. In Konoha. In broad daylight.

"Sakura?" a voice asked. Sakura jumped. She turned and spotted Ino. "Are you alright? You've been staring at that guy for a while now. What, do you got a crush on him?"

Sakura's face recoiled. "Of course not!" She blinked. "But he's a nuke-nin! In Konoha! We need to go get help-"

"What are you talking about, Sakura?"

"Ino, that's Kisame Hoshigaki!"

"I know. He's a frequent customer at my family's flower shop."

"How is that possible?!"

"You shouldn't judge a book by its cover! Sure, he's huge and hulking and kinda-scary and literally fishy-"

"Get on with it Ino."

"-but he's actually a pretty nice guy."

"...are you sure he's not an S-rank traitor?"

"Of course not! Geez, Sakura, what gave you that idea?"

"...nothing."

-/_\-  Hn.

Did Kakazu just call me "literally fishy"?

-/_\-  Hn.

"...is that a giant war puppet walking around on all fours?"

"Yes," Shino said curtly.

"Isn't he a missing-nin?"

"He is not."

"...are you sure?" Kiba asked.

"I am positive."

Well, Kiba thought, Shino did always pay more attention to this stuff than I did, so... "If you say so."

-/_\-  Hn.

At least, Itachi thought, this isn't that much different from how I usually act. 

-/_\-  Hn.

Chouji took a chip out of his bag...and ate it. Then he did that five more times before asking, very calmly, "Shikamaru, why is there an aloe vera digging the ground in the middle of the Village park?"

"Did you forget? Troublesome. Zetsu's always there. He(?)'s creepy but pretty harmless."

"...I see."

-/_\-  Hn.

Great Jashin, this kid bought it so easily! Well, his friend is supposed to be pretty smart, so I guess I can't blame him.

-/_\-  Hn.

"Neji, my rival, I have a question!"

"What is it?"

"How come Kakazu the missing-nin is walking freely in the Village? He committed the very unYOUTHful act of trying to murder Lord First!"

"What on Earth are you talking about? Mr. Kakazu has done no such thing."

"I am quite sure he has."

"You utter moron, he's a normal citizen."

"That is a very unYOUTHful thing to call your friend!"

"We are not friends."

"Nevertheless, in an effort to rekindle our friendship, I challenge you to a friendly spar!"

"No."

"Please?"

"...fine."

-/_\-  Hn.

God, that kid is persistent. Kakazu internally winced in sympathy for Zetsu.

Not too much, though. After all, Hidan was right about one thing, and one thing only. Zetsu was creepy as ****. 

-/_\-  Hn.

Sasuke was having an okay day. Sure, he woke up later than he would like and had to rush his shower, but it seemed nice outside and his prick of a sensei didn't wake him up in some cruel, horrible way. So, yeah, it was an okay day.

That is, until he walked out of his bathroom to find Itachi Uchiha rearranging his room. Sasuke stood there, speechless. Itachi turned and blinked before giving Sasuke a soft smile.

"There you are, Little Brother. Bit of a late start, don't you think? I hope you don't make a habit out of it." His smile turned into a small frown. "And your room is so messy. So is the rest of your apartment. An Uchiha should know how to clean up after themselves."

Sasuke recognized that quote. His mother used to say that to him to get him to clean up his toys. He was finally able to shake off his surprise, so he immediately started shouting.

"YOU! YOU KILLED OUR WHOLE FAMILY! MOTHER, FATHER, ALL OF THEM! EVEN SWEET OLD GRANNY MISANA WHO USED TO GIVE US SWEETS WHENEVER SHE MET US (I'm not saying I liked them, but it's the thought that counts)! HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME HERE AND INSULT MY CLEANING SKILLS! IT'S YOUR FAULT NO ONE TAUGHT ME HOW TO PROPERLY FOLD CLOTHES AND WASH THE DISHES! I'M DOING VERY WELL FOR SOMEONE IN MY CIRCUMSTANCES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

Itachi's face was concerned. "Sasuke, are you alright? Did someone do something to you?" His eyes flashed. "If someone cast a genjutsu on you, I swear I'll-"

Sasuke cut him off. "DON'T PRETEND LIKE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! HOW DARE YOU! YOU-YOU MURDERER! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Itachi's eyes were now somewhat horrified. "Sasuke, are you sure no one cast a genjutsu on you? What am I saying, of course someone did. Why else would you be threatening to kill me? Come on, Sasuke, I'll get you to a doctor...or should I take you to a genjutsu specialist? Wait, I'm a genjutsu specialist. Well, sort of. What do I do, what do I do, what do I do..."

Sasuke watched on, dumb-struck, as his elder brother started to panic. "Y-You mean none of it happened?"

"None of what?" Itachi asked.

"Y-You didn't kill everyone?"

Itachi's eyes widened before he grabbed Sasuke in a hug. "Of course not, Sasuke."

Sasuke couldn't take it. He fainted. At least he would never have to find out that he had had that whole confrontation wearing nothing but a towel. 

-/_\-  Hn.

Well, Itachi thought, that did not go as planned. Then again, Sasuke was always a bit of a loose cannon...he doesn't deserve this.

The sadistic side of him, however, whispered, But you got to admit that was kind of funny.

...kind of. 

-/_\-  Hn.

Kurenai didn't know what to think when she walked into her and Anko's favorite bar to find her best friend drunkenly chatting with a missing-nin.

Konan. The Angel of Rain. What on Earth was she doing in the Leaf?

"Anko...can I talk to you for a moment?"

"What is it?" Anko slurred, the sake sloshing in her cup.

"Er...do you know who that is?"

"That," Konan slurred back, "is a girl who can hear everything you're saying."

Kurenai's eyes narrowed. "Look, I don't know what game you're playing, but you better leave us the hell alone."

Anko giggled. "Lookie here, the kitty's got fangs."

Konan barked out a laugh. "Who would mistake her for a kitty? She's obviously a tiger...with very good infiltration skills."

Kurenai didn't let up. "What are you doing in the Leaf?"

"Living. You know, since I live here." Konan hiccuped.

"Yeah," Anko said, "you two have met before. Remember during the Summer Festival? You two duked it out over the grand prize in bean bag toss."

"Huh," Konan said, squinting at Kurenai. Then, her eyes lit up in recognition. "Oh yeah! You may have won this year, but I'll beat you next year!"

"Have fun with that," Anko snorted. "Konan, darling, you lost to Kurenai in the first round."

"I've been practicing since then," Konan said defensively.

Kurenai stared, speechless. Had she really been mistaken? Was this Konan really someone else? She had to be sure.

She grabbed another man/woman (wearing this hideous orange mask), and asked, "Who is this woman?"

The person in the mask paused before saying, in a masculine voice, "Oh, oh, it's Konan! She lives in the center of the Village...didn't you beat her in the bean bag toss at the Summer Festival?"

"...yes, yes I did."

-/_\-  Hn.

They're lucky that I was here, Obito thought as he watched Kurenai eventually warm up to Konan and Pein disguised as Anko.

-/_\-  Hn.

"...Hinata, wait here. I have some urgent business to attend to." Hinata blinked and looked up at her father. They were on their monthly outing keep the press happy with stories about the Hyuuga main family.

"W-What's wrong, F-Father?"

Hiashi stared at his daughter for a moment before deciding to tell her. "That man with the silver hair...he's a missing-nin."

"You mean K-Kakashi-sensei?"

"No, the other man with silver hair. Why on Earth would you think that I was referring to Kakashi Hatake?"

Hinata didn't respond, but she stared at the man Hiashi had indicated. A small frown formed on her lips. "Y-You mean M-Mr. Hidan?"

Hiashi pursed his lips. "Mr. Hidan?"

"Y-Yes, he works i-in the Jashinist t-temple near the e-edge of the Village."

"Jashinism is a banned religion, Hinata."

Hinata gave her father a questioning look. "N-No it isn't. F-Father, you've met M-Mr. Hidan before. H-He's also a m-missionary for the Jashinist t-temple. H-He showed up at our compound a few d-days ago."

Hiashi frowned, about to tell his daughter off for her ridiculous story when their branch-family guard spoke up hesitantly. "Sh-She's right, Lord Hiashi. Mr. Hidan came to our compound. My brother even converted to Jashinism."

Hiashi blinked. "...he did?"

"Yes, Lord Hiashi."

Hiashi's frown stayed intact, but he turned to his daughter and said, "I apologize."

Hinata's face went red and she started stuttering. 

-/_\-  Hn.

Kisame grinned. He deserved an Oscar, he truly did. Playing a shy, pre-pubescent girl wasn't easy in any way or form.

And to Orochimaru, who was playing the guard...kudos for the quick thinking. 

-/_\-  Hn.

Asuma strained to keep a polite smile on his face. This was one of the reasons that he hated being the Hokage's son. Sure, it got you a bunch of street cred, but it also meant going to a lot of high-end, boring places. Like an art museum. A minimalist art museum.

What the hell was so "marvelous" about an orange circle on a white background?!

"This isn't art," someone muttered angrily. Asuma whirled around.

"I know right?!" he muttered before freezing.

Deidara the Mad Bomber sniffed. "This...this disgrace isn't real art. Art in an explosion!"

"Not literally, I hope," Asuma said weakly.

Deidara blinked. "...sure."

That was when Asuma came to his senses. "What the hell are you doing here?" His hand was already snaking to his kunai pouch (thank god I didn't leave it behind).

"Hey, Asuma! Deidara!"

Asuma's head snapped over to the voice that called to them. It Kotetsu. Asuma knew him, he was that poor sap who kept getting guard duty with Izumo. Great Chuunin, but they just always got back luck.

Maybe he wasn't so great, though, if he was merrily waving at a missing-nin from the Stone.

"Kotetsu," Asuma said through grit teeth. "What are you doing?"

Kotetsu frowned slightly. "I was waving to my friends. Am I not allowed to do that?"

"Yeah," Deidara said, nodding, "give Kotetsu a rest, Asuma."

"The hell are you talking about?" Asuma hissed.

"Geez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today," Kotetsu muttered, and both he and Deidara started laughing.

"He," Asuma said, pointing at Deidara, "is a missing-nin from the Hidden Stone! At the very least, laugh at him, not with him!"

There was a silence before they both burst out laughing again. "G-Good one, Asuma!" Deidara said, tears falling from his eyes. "W-When did you get this funny?! You're always so laid-back!"

Asuma just blinked owlishly as Deidara continued. "M-Me from Stone?! How do you come up with this stuff?!"

Asuma's confidence started to wane and he started to nervously chuckle along with them.

If Kotetsu wasn't worried, then he was probably just mistaken. 

-/_\-  Hn.

I can't believe that actually worked, Deidara thought.

-/_\-  Hn.

"Good, you can all move freely now. I shall go...befriend the Nine-Tails' Jinchuuriki. It shouldn't be too hard, he's the most dimwitted of all. Dismissed."

"Yes, Lord Pein!"

-/_\-  Hn.

Naruto was more than a little skeptical when he was the orange-haired man with several piercings eating at his favorite food stand. However, he didn't see any immediate threats, so he continued in and sat down in on the seats.

Naruto winced slightly when he made contact with his eyes. They were purple with ripples and it was just plain weird...it would probably be rude to say that, though, so he didn't say anything.

The man glanced over. "Hey Naruto," he said slightly cheerfully.

Naruto blinked warily. "How do you know my name?" Everyone who ever knew his name before him telling them turned out to be nothing but trouble.

"Don't you remember me?" the man asked, hurt creeping into his voice.

"Look, I don't know who you are."

"Naruto, that's not nice," a familiar voice said. Teuchi was going around the kitchen. "Do you want your usual?"

Naruto tensed slightly, eyes still on the weird man, but he eventually nodded. Teuchi frowned. "Naruto, don't you remember Pein?"

"...what kind of name is Pein?"

"A cool one," Pein said.

"...I guess I kind of recognize you." He turned back to Teuchi, who put some noodles into boiling water. Naruto glanced again at Pein, who seemed oblivious.

"Don't tell me that you forgot me and my friends!"

"...friends?"

"Yes! Me and Konan, oh you two had such a nice time at the Summer Festival two years ago, and Kisame, you thought he was pretty scary at first, and Tobi, he's kind of weird but fun, and Zetsu!" He frowned slightly. "You never did get along with Zetsu."

"...oh, I remember now." 

-/_\-  Hn.

"Old Man Hokage?"

Hiruzen Sarutobi glanced up from his paperwork. "Yes, Naruto?"

"Well...some guy is here claiming he knows me, someone else was impersonating Old Man Teuchi, and he apparently brought some of his S-rank criminal friends to the Leaf."

"...I see."

-/_\-  Hn.

The Hokage scowled at the people in front of him.

Kurenai, Asuma, Sakura, Kiba, Hiashi, Chouji, and Lee looked down shamefully (well, Hiashi just looked down. Hyuugas don't feel shame).

"Every single one of you saw an S-rank missing-nin in our village...AND NONE OF YOU REPORTED THEM! It's only thanks to Naruto that we caught them at all! And Sasuke Uchiha is currently unconscious and quite possibly scarred for life!" His eyes flashed with rage. "WHAT ON EARTH POSSESSED YOU TO NOT TELL ME?!"

Hiashi spoke up. "Everyone just acted like they were supposed to be there...so I kind of assumed." He winced even as he said that. Hearing it out loud...

Everyone else nodded. Hiruzen's eyebrow twitched.

"Is that what happened to you all, too?"

More nods. Hiruzen sighed. "I see...Kurenai, Asuma, Hiashi, I'm placing you on guard duty for the next month. Sakura, Kiba, Lee, Chouji, because of you, your teams will get nothing but D-ranks for the next month...in fact, all Tora missions will be funneled to one of your teams." The four genin paled.

"Now, dismissed."

"Yes, Lord Hokage." 

-/_\-  Hn.

"Naruto," Sakura asked, "how did you know that they were imposters."

"Well, the weird Pein guy said he knew me, and everyone who knew my name before I told it to them has been nothing but trouble. Then Old Man Teuchi started boiling the noodles before he made the broth, which he never does. Pein mentioned some of his friends and I decided to do some research on them..."

"Wow, you caught on faster than any of us did...I've got to say, I'm impressed."

Naruto beamed. "Thanks, Sakura!" He paused. "...would you like to go out with me?"

"NO!" Sakura yelled, suddenly infuriated. Naruto held his head in defeat.

"Well, I figured I had to try..." 

-/_\-  Hn.

"Good job Naruto, thanks to you we've caught nine criminals!"

"Awesome!" Naruto yelled to the Hokage. Hiruzen laughed kindly. "So, who all did you catch? That Pein guy only gave me four names."

"Well...we've the man you met, Pein, the God of Rain, Konan, the Angel of Rain, the Itachi Uchiha, Deidara the Mad Bomber, Zetsu, who has no title but is dangerous nonetheless, Kisame, an ex-Seven Swordsman, Sasori of the Red Sands, Hidan, an extreme advocate for the outlawed religion of Jashinism, and Kakazu, who tried to murder the First Hokage."

Naruto frowned slightly. "Uh...Old Man, the Pein guy mentioned something about a guy named Tobi, too."

The Hokage suddenly frowned. "Tobi...could that be an alias for one of them?"

"Tobi?" a voice asked. "I know him."

Naruto glanced up. "Hey Kakashi-sensei!"

"Hello Naruto." He bowed to Hiruzen. "Hello, Lord Hokage."

Hiruzen waved if off. "Kakashi, tell me what you know about this Tobi."

"Well, I was walking through the village when I spotted someone in a weird orange lollipop mask-thingy. I asked Gai about him, but Gai said that he's always lived in the city."

The Hokage's eyes narrowed. "Kakashi, Gai is currently away on a mission."

A Chuunin suddenly ran into the room. "LORD HOKAGE, A MESSAGE FROM T&I! THE PRISONERS HAVE BROKEN FREE!"

-/_\-  Hn.

The ten members were currently running at top speed through the forest surrounding Konoha.

"I can't believe," Deidara said, huffing, "that Tobi of all people was the one who saved us."

Pein tried to let out a despondent sigh, but since he was so out of breath, it ended up sounding like more of a despondent wheeze. "We were so close, too."

"We were," Itachi agreed.

"Wait..." Kisame said, "where's Orochimaru?" 

-/_\-  Hn.

"SUCKERS!" a weird man-woman snake-human thing cackled. "I EVEN TOOK THE RING!" 

-/_\-  Hn.

"If Orochimaru's gone...then who was playing that guard?"

"What guard?"

"The one that backed me up against the Hyuuga Clan Head, agreeing that Hidan was a missionary that had come to his compound a few days earlier. He even said that Hidan had converted his brother!"

Hidan cleared his throat. "Yeah, uh, about that..."

-/_\-  Hn.

A few days earlier:

"Father, someone's knocking on the door!"

Hikaru watched as his brother, Daiki, opened the door.

Then he heard, "Hello, do you have some time to talk about our Lord and Saviour, Lord Jashin?" 

-/_\-  Hn.

"Daiki, is that book made of human skin?"

"It is, Hikaru. Isn't it wonderful?"

-/_\-  Hn.

Back to the present:

"...I see."

~The End~

O/_\O  Hnnnn?

Whelp, I hope you liked that little crack-fic. I wrote this at three in the morning and have yet to proof-read it, so let's see how it goes. Whatever happens, I can ensure that some sort of insanity ensued.

Remember to Vote and stuff! This is SSSRHA, signing out!