I wrote this poem (of sorts) back in December of 2023. I had lost my grandfather to dementia in May of that year, and - after months - was finally able to sit with that grief and put it into words. For anyone out there grieving - I hope these words bring you some solace <3

Grief.
It finds me in the oddest places.
Driving to work before the sun has risen.
Rocking my daughter to sleep,
The sound machine unable to drown it out.

I grieve for so much.
For loved ones lost.
Friendships slipped away.
Past versions of myself dead and gone.
The child I never held.
The child in my arms now, that will grow up and move away.

It comes sickeningly slow.
Creeping in like monsters under my childhood bed.
My mother no longer a room away,
Ready and waiting to chase the shadows away.

I am older now, with a daughter of my own.
But how I long for that childhood bed.
Where my stuffed animals would shield me from feelings too big for little shoulders to bear.
My shoulders grew, but no one told me the feelings would too.

Those stuffed animals have found a new home in the nursery.
With new names, they will go on protecting.
She will reach for them in the night,
When darkness creeps in from the closet.

How I wish to go back to such simpler times,
When a stuffed dog with play dough matted fur could take away the hurt.
The green play dough is still there,
Old and faded after twenty-five years.
I am a bit old and faded too.
But still with purpose.

With a new name, I will go on protecting.
She will reach for me in the night,
When darkness creeps in from the closet.
And I will be a room away,
Ready and waiting to chase the shadows away.