I wrote this 'open letter' for my blog during my sophomore year of college after battling a heartbreak in the wake of an abusive relationship. Thought I would share in the hopes that maybe someone can read this and gain some encouragement. Enjoy. :) 

I write this letter, as a simple thank you.. To the guy who taught me what love is.

Dear you,

Although only a select few, if any, will know who I'm referring to, you know who you are. It has taken me a while to sit down and write this letter to you, because to be honest, if I would've tried before now, it would've ended up as hate mail. I would have said things out of resentment and hatred, and it would have only temporarily made me feel better.. I guess its true what they say though.. time really does heal. And through the blessing of time, and the guiding hand of my savior, I have reached a point where the memory of us doesn't make me angry. In fact.. it makes me relieved; relieved that God knew what he was doing when he removed us from each other's lives. So this is a letter compiled of things I have wanted to say to you for a very long time..

First off, I want you to know I loved you. I did.. as much as a girl my age, at that time, could. I loved you through every emotional part of the roller coaster you brought into my life. I loved you on the days that you were kind and pleasant, and I loved you on the days that you were unrecognizable to me. When we first started dating, you could not have treated me any better. You were kind, charming, and always put me before yourself. These characteristics are what made me fall in love with you.. probably a little to quickly; but I blame that on how young I was.You found me at a very vulnerable place in my life, and you took full advantage of that. I don't know at what point things changed.. but after they did, it was as though a switch would flip and you would became someone that was drastically different than the person I fell in love with. I didn't know it at the time, or maybe I chose to ignore it, but you were trying to mold me into a person that I could never be. Someone that would meet the expectations of your parents. Someone that, in your eyes, could live up to your family name. You held expectations that I could never meet.. that no one could. The incredible weight of those expectations crushed my spirit. You wanted me to be everything I couldn't be, and you soon realized that, even though I tried so desperately hard to be her.. I guess this angered you. We fought so much, that I convinced myself that was what being in a healthy relationship looked like. I won't sit here and blame you for every fight we had. I instigated my fair share, because what girl wouldn't be angered by someone trying to change her. But the fights you did start, were out of pure jealousy. All those times we fought over a simple smile I gave a boy in passing at the mall. All those times we fought when I glanced in the general direction of a boy sitting across from us at a restaurant. "What are you looking at?!" you would ask. All those times we fought because I followed a boy from my class on Instagram. That time we fought because I took pictures with my Homecoming escort. All those times we fought because I had a conversation with a boy that I had been best friends with since before kindergarten. All those times we fought because I had decided to dress up that day. "Who are you trying to impress?!" you would bark at me.. (I don't know.. maybe you?). All those times we fought.. are you noticing a pattern yet? That is all our relationship was, a series of fights. I eventually accepted this behavior as the norm.. because why bother trying to defend yourself if you're always wrong? You called me a flirt.. (and many other names that aren't as nice.) for even speaking to a boy.. I found myself, the majority of our relationship, stepping on eggshells with what I said, fearful that if I didn't agree with your every word, you would become angry.. and you did. You accused me of not supporting you.. I guess I wasn't allowed to hold opinions that differed from yours. I know you must have felt resentment for me, because the pain I was still feeling from my past was never allowed to be brought up in conversation. Unless it involved you beating me down with harsh words and names. I wasn't allowed to have friends that were boys, and because I loved you, I isolated myself from friendships I had had my entire life. I took every harsh word, every name, every screaming match (that you won), everything.. because I loved you. I took all of your pain and hurt, and placed it on top of mine.. because I loved you. I want you to know, I still catch myself worrying that my present boyfriend will get angry with me for all of these things. But the fact of the matter is, he won't. I know he wont, because I realize something now. All of those fights, all the trivial things that made you so angry.. you became so mad because of your own insecurity. You drug me so far down, so that you could pull yourself up. You hurt me with your words, to take away your own hurt. I realize now, that all those times I made you angry.. they weren't my fault.

I want you to know I'm not mad at you anymore. Despite all of the tears and pain you put me through for those months, I don't hope you "get what's coming to you." I don't wish any ill will at all. I actually want to thank you. Because, without either of us realizing it, you taught me what love really is. You see.. by showing me what love is not.. that love should never involve someone bringing you down.. that love should never involve such jealousness.. that love should never make you like yourself less.. you have taught me what love really looks like. And my friend, I realize now, that the love we had was not a biblical, healthy love. I realize now, that our relationship was toxic for both of us. But you didn't just show me what an earthly love looks like. You also showed me what our Father's love looks like. Through the pain of our break up, I drew closer to God. I felt his love and comfort like I never had before. And I thank you for that. I thank you for freeing me from such an unstable environment.. something I never could have done myself. I thank you for opening up an opportunity for my faith to be strengthened. I thank you for allowing me to mend broken relationships that I had destroyed during our relationship. I thank you for giving me the chance to create new relationships with my sisters in Lockhearts. It is through one relationship in particular that I have had the privilege of meeting an entirely new group of people, from Belden. I now call these people my friends, and even one of them my boyfriend. So I thank you.. because through all of these circumstances, I have grown in so many ways. And because of you, I understand what love looks like, whether it be the love of my Father in Heaven, the love of a boyfriend, or the love of a friend. I say all of this because I want you to know one last thing.. despite the broken person you made me to be, I have never been stronger.

Sincerely, me.