YORI

"Yori, I'm sorry for asking this, but please don't leave Nat alone for now. Things are becoming hectic. Always walk her home and pick her up like what I said." 

I nodded while holding my phone. Nat's dad just called me. "Is there something wrong po?" I asked because I also got worried for Nat's safety.

"My team and I are going against big-time businessmen. That's all I could say. You know how it is here... Business and politics... they go together," he explained. "Nat already knows that. She's a smart kid." 

"Okay po. Please take care. I'll take care of Nat," I said before we ended the call. 

Since I had to pick her up everytime she had classes, gigising ako nang maaga kahit sa hapon pa ang pasok ko. Minsan, antok na antok ko siyang haharapin. It was not a burden at all, because it was Nat. I was willing to do everything for her.

I would get up at five in the morning to shower and prepare her bento. Pagkatapos ay maglalakad na ako mula sa dorm sa campus papunta sa condo niya. Pagkasundo ko sa kanya ay maglalakad naman ako pabalik sa campus. Kapag matagal pa ang klase ko ay uuwi ulit ako at matutulog saglit. 

"Nagmamadali ka na naman, ah!" sabi ni Wale habang inaayos ko ang gamit ko.

Napatingin ako sa orasan. "Kailangan ko na ihatid girlfriend ko." Nagpaalam na ako sa kanila at tumakbo na papunta sa building nina Nat. Ganoon kapag walang training, pero kapag mayroon ay magkikita na lang kami sa club room.

"Kickboxing na ba trip mo ngayon?" tanong ni Nam nang samahan niya ako mag-gym. 

"I should learn how to fight, right?" I raised a brow and smiled a little. 

"For your girlfriend?" natatawang sabi niya. "You talk about her twenty-four-seven, bro." 

"I don't have anything or anyone else to talk about." Nagkibit-balikat ako habang sinusuot ang gloves ko. 

"Corny mo, bro," pang-aasar niya. "Nasisiraan ka na kung siya lang nasa isip mo magdamag. Baliw ka na sa jowa mo." 

"Is it bad? She's my girlfriend. I can be crazy for her," seryosong sabi ko.

"Ewan ko sa 'yo! Siraulo! Baka pati sa exam, pangalan niya lang isagot mo!" 

Dumaan ang birthday naming dalawa. Nag-celebrate lang kami sa resort habang may free time pa kami. Pagkatapos ay bumalik kami sa pagiging busy sa acads at sa competitions. During Christmas break, my sister and I went back to Japan to celebrate with Mom. 

"I'm going out for a bit," my sister told me. Nakabihis na siya. Kinuha ko ang coat niya na nakasabit at inabot sa kanya. "Arigatou..." she said in a gentle voice and smiled. "Ittekimasu!" paalam niya.

"Itterasshai," I said while standing near the genkan. 

I was left alone in the house because Mom was on hospital duty. Naglinis na lang ako ng bahay at lumabas saglit para kumain ng lunch mag-isa sa malapit na ramen place. I didn't want to go home yet so I roamed around and looked for a gift. Wala pa akong nabibiling Christmas gift kay Nat. 

It was hard to give her something that her family couldn't afford. Kahit ano naman ang hilingin niya, mabibigay sa kanya, so the best I could think of was something that would be meaningful. 

"It would be easier if she's here right now," I whispered. Because I could just treat her to an amusement park or a resort. 

And just like that, I received a call from Nat.

"Waaaaa, huhu!" I immediately got worried when I heard her crying. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at tumabi muna sa gilid. 

"Why? What's wrong?!" 

"Sunduin mo na ako rito! Nasa Tokyo ako... Nasaan ba ako? Wait lang..."

What? Tokyo? 

"Huh?! What do you mean nasa Tokyo ka?"

"Surprise!" 

"I'm so confused... I don't know if this is a prank, but still, send me your live location."

She was in Akasaka-mitsuke, so I immediately ran to the nearest station to go to her. Tumatakbo kaagad ako paglabas para maabutan ko 'yong susunod na train at mapabilis ang punta ko sa kanya.

"Sumimasen! Sumimasen!" sabi ko habang dumadaan sa gitna ng mga tao. 

Pagkalabas ko ng station ay sinundan ko ang location niya. She really wasn't joking when she said she was in Tokyo. I was running around, finding her in every street, until I saw her in front of an apartment building. 

"What the... heck..." sabi ko, hinihingal. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?"

"Surprise! Dito ako magnu-New Year! Kaso na-scam 'ata ako, he-he!"

Nat... would always surprise me. She really liked doing things like this. Kapag gusto niya talaga, gagawin niya. Still... I was happy to see her again. It was my first time bringing a girl to our house. Akala ko pagkarating ko ay naroon na ang kapatid ko, pero nag-message siya na iinom pa raw siya kasama ang mga kaibigan niya. 

Kami lang ang nasa bahay. While she was showering, I prepared my sleeping area. Doon kasi siya sa kama ko at ako sa sahig. My mom wouldn't allow us to sleep on the same bed. 

"What do I do..." bulong ko sa sarili ko habang nakaluhod sa sahig. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko, naiilang dahil kami lang dalawa sa bahay. I never thought this day would come. Having someone over in our house in Japan felt... more intimate, because we rarely had guests. 

Relax, Yori. Nothing will happen. Don't do it. 

"Come here," sabi ko pagkatapos niyang mag-shower. 

I couldn't help but shower her with kisses because I really missed her. I couldn't be far away from her for too long. 

"Tadaima!"

I was surprised when I heard my mom. Natawa pa ako dahil nahulog si Nat sa sahig. Lumabas kaagad ako para bumati.

"Okaasan, hayai desu ne." Mom, you're early.

"Estella! Welcome!" She immediately recognized Nat. I already told her that we were dating. 

That was the first time I sat down with my mother and girlfriend at one table. Mom even accidentally told Nat about me working in Japan after graduation. Iyon naman talaga ang plano, pero hindi ko pa nakakausap si Nat tungkol doon.

She seemed pretty cool about it. "Pwede naman tayong mag-LDR!" She was even smiling. 

How? LDR? I just said I couldn't be far away from her for too long. Ako ba ang mas clingy sa aming dalawa? Siguro nga... Because I was really considering not taking the job offer for her. Actually, hindi para sa kanya kung hindi para sa sarili ko, dahil nga hindi ko kaya ang LDR.

"Estella already knows about you staying here for good, right?" my sister told me while we were seated outside, drinking tea in the morning. 

"Mom told her about the job offer," sabi ko. "But she said she's okay with it... Ako, hindi. I don't want to leave her." 

"It's not like you're leaving her."

"You know what I mean..."

"So, are you planning to stay in the Philippines? You'll be alone because I'll be staying here with Mom. You know you can reach higher goals here with your skills in tech. You'll be so rich in no time," pagbibiro pa niya. "The job pays well. You know that." 

I didn't want to think about it yet. Matagal pa naman ang graduation. Mauuna pa ang debate competition namin ni Nat. We had a deal about living together. Iyong unang deal namin dati, hindi naman natupad. Sana matupad na 'yong ngayon. 

"Happy new year!" bati namin sa isa't isa. We celebrated with my family at home. Ayaw na naming makigulo sa labas. Maraming tao. 

"Happy new year, Yori-kun," Nat said in the most endearing and affectionate tone. 

Napakunot ang noo ko at agad lumingon sa kanya. "What did you just call me?" tanong ko para ulitin niya. 

"Wala na, once ko lang sasabihin 'yon." Ngumisi siya at ginulo ang buhok ko. "Happy new year!" 

Just like that, our third year, second sem started. It was also the start of our busiest and most stressful days. 

"Buti nakarating ka, bro! Mister MVP!" 

A bunch of players congratulated me and my team for winning an international e-gamesw competition. Nag-aya sila sa club bilang celebration. Clubs were not my thing, and so as drinking, but I still attended dahil nakakailang sabi na ako sa kanilang hindi ako pupunta.

I had been busy competing in different competitions, local and international. Aside from that, I also had a regular streaming schedule. Palawak nang palawak ang mundo ko, at pataas nang pataas ang akyat ko. People started to recognize me because of my wide audience. Dumarami na rin ang mga taong lumalapit sa akin para makipagkaibigan. I was never an easy guy to befriend since I could only trust a few people. They were just my acquaintances, I could say. 

My world was somehow changing, and I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Hindi ko naman mapipigilan ang mga pagbabago sa buhay ko. At first, it made me uncomfortable to meet strangers who wanted to take photos with me. I was never comfortable showing my face. It still felt weird that people would recognize me in public and would invite me to events. Pili lang ang mga pinupuntahan ko dahil nga ayaw kong pinapakita ang sarili ko. I was used to living a quiet and peaceful life. Ngayon, umiingay na. 

It was probably a bother to Nat, too... since people would sometimes go to her and ask about me, or they would constantly whisper about her since most people in the university knew that we were together. Still, I didn't want to change my profile picture since I wanted everyone to know that I was taken. 

A lot of people would still ask kahit halata naman sa profile picture ko na girlfriend ko 'yong kasama ko. Some people would even try if I could be swayed. 

"Hi, girls! Dito kayo! Upo muna kayo." One of the players stood up and greeted a bunch of girls. Napakunot ang noo ko habang hawak-hawak ang baso ng whiskey. 

"Yori, ang tagal ka na nilang gustong makilala! Pinsan ko 'yang isa, tapos ito, tropa ng girlfriend ko," pagpapakilala ng isa pang player. Two girls suddenly sat beside me, magkabilaan. Tumayo kaagad ako para umiwas at lumipat na lang ng upuan. 

"May girlfriend si Yori," sabi ni Jero. "Bakit mo pa in-invite 'yong mga girls, bro? Respeto na lang sana." 

"Sus, girlfriend lang naman 'yan! Hindi mo naman asawa!" another player said and some of them laughed. "Wala namang makakaalam. Tayo-tayo lang nandito, oh." 

"Oo nga, bro. Malawak ang mundo! Marami pang mas maganda at mas sexy sa girlfriend mo, for sure! Huwag kang papatali kaagad!" another one said. 

Nilapag ko 'yong baso sa table at tumayo na. "Uuwi na ako," paalam ko at sinuot na ulit ang jacket ko. 

"Huh? Wait! Yori!" tawag pa nila pero naglakad na ako paalis.

Pero may naalala ako kaya naglakad ulit ako pabalik. Natuwa sila kaagad nang akalain nilang bumalik ako, but I only went back to say one thing. 

"Don't ever speak about my girlfriend and my relationship like that again," I said with a glare before walking away. 

I went home early after that and called Nat to tell her about what happened. I didn't want her to learn about it from other people and misunderstand the situation. She got mad for my sake, but since I already left the party, it was not that big of a deal anymore. Iniwasan ko na lang 'yong nag-invite sa akin doon. I didn't want stuff like that to happen again. 

Nat started to get busy and stressed about her research course. I was doing everything I could to help her, especially with proofreading, but I also had things going on, like the competitions and events I had to attend.

I was overseas for a competition, but I couldn't help but worry about Nat. Kanina pa ako nakatingin sa phone ko, hinihintay ang reply niya habang nasa likod kami ng stage. She was having problems with her family, friends, and acads, tapos wala pa ako para mapuntahan niya.

"Yori, tara na," aya ni Jero.

Tinago ko na ang phone ko at umakyat ng stage dahil magsisimula na ang laro. After days of competing, I finally got my medal. I was so excited to tell Nat about it! Sino pa ba ang sasabihan ko kung hindi siya lang? Ah, tsaka si Jap.

I was holding my medal in my right hand, ready to show it to her while waiting outside her room. I was smiling, anticipating her reaction, but my smile faded when I saw her face. She looked like she had a lot of things going on. Tinago ko kaagad sa likod ko 'yong medal.

"Hindi ka pa rin kinakausap ni Kye?" I asked, worried.

"Hindi niya maintindihan... para rin naman sa safety niya 'yon."

"How's your research?"

She didn't answer me and just went inside the debate room. Pagkaupo niya ay binuksan niya ang laptop niya at gumawa ng paper. I couldn't talk. I just sat down and tried to hide the medal inside my bag, but she saw it. 

"Shit, congratulations!" 

"Thank you." I gave her a small smile, embarrassed now. Wrong timing. 

"I'm sorry... Ang dami lang nangyayari. Hindi ko man lang naisip na-"

"Shush." I covered her mouth. "It's okay, really. I just wanted to show you, but I know you're busy and stressed, so... It's okay." I gave her an assuring smile.

I wasn't lying. It was really not a big deal to me. Alam ko namang marami siyang iniisip at alam ko namang mas mahalaga talaga para sa kanya 'yong academics niya. It was something I already knew before I entered the relationship. Wala namang mali roon. 

Nat always looked like she would break down in a second. The last straw was the situation with Kye. It hurt to see her cry like that. Parang nawala na siya sa sarili niya. She distracted herself by studying so hard for finals. Hindi na siya kumakain o umiinom man lang ng tubig. She was in her own zone. 

Nat's patience on things kept on getting thinner and thinner, habang 'yong sa akin ay pahaba nang pahaba. Nat was going through a lot. The last thing I wanted to happen was to add up to her problems. 

It hurt to see Nat lose the color on her face day by day... and to see her fingers get more wounded each day. She would always have a new problem whenever we would see each other. She started thinking too much... saying too much... and doing too much. 

But I wasn't there to judge. She had a lot of things going on. She was having lower grades. She was slowly losing her friendship... She almost lost her brother, and she had a fight with her parents. She was also too distracted during the finals. Hindi ko rin alam ang gagawin ko kapag ako ang nasa posisyon niya. The best I could do was understand what she was going through. I was there to comfort her, and sometimes knock some sense in her. 

To: Nataleigh

I'm competing today so I won't be in school :) Take care and update me. 

She didn't reply to my message the whole day. The next day, she asked about the same competition. 

"Kailan 'yong competition mo doon sa computer thing?" 

"Ah... Yesterday."  I looked away.

"Huh? Why didn't you tell me?"

I gave her a small smile. "I did..."

"Kailan?"

"Yesterday. You didn't reply."

She apologized again, but she didn't have to. Alam kong marami na siyang iniisip at ayaw kong dumagdag pa doon. Because of that, I started not telling her things about me and just focused on listening to her problems. It was not like it would be like this forever. She was just going through something. Lilipas din 'to. Magiging okay rin ang lahat.

"Ikaw muna ang magtingin." When I saw her grades, I immediately knew what her reaction would be. Ang sabi ko ay kumain muna siya dahil alam kong mawawalan siya ng gana kapag nakita niya.

They were high... but not high enough for her. She couldn't accept a line of eight. 

"That's not my grade. No way," she said, denying it. She even kept on refreshing the portal to see if there was a mistake. 

"It's... an A, B plus, and B," I said, trying to cheer her up. "Those are still high."

"B plus and B?" She looked at me with anger. "Mataas ba 'yon para sa 'yo, Yori? Ano'ng result ng exams mo?"

What? Where did that come from?

"Nat, this is not-"

"Tell me so I know if you can understand my feelings."

I sighed. "This is not helpful for you, Nat."

It wouldn't be helpful because I already saw my grades, and I got straight As. She would end up comparing herself to me again.

"Straight As right? Oo o hindi?" I couldn't answer. "See? Paano mo masasabing mataas pa rin 'yon kung wala ka namang grade na ganoon? Kapag ikaw ang nakakuha noon, ano ang magiging reaksyon mo? Hindi mo ako naiintindihan."

"Bakit mo kinukumpara grades mo sa grades ko?"

"Kasi hindi mo alam ang sinasabi mo. This is shit! This grade?! Bullshit!" She started shouting. "Still high? You never even had a B!"

"But I wouldn't compare myself to you even if I had a B and you had straight As! Why do you still see me as your competition? We're not even in the same program anymore." 

I was getting more and more frustrated, too. I was tired. I just got back from a tiring event and this was what I had to deal with. 

"Kasi hindi mo ako naiintindihan! We are so different! You always look like you have your shit together! Ang galing mo palagi. You never get distracted. You never get side-tracked. Ako, hindi ko kaya 'yon. I get distracted. I lose my shit over a B plus. Iba ang nararamdaman mo sa grades mo, at iba ang nararamdaman ko sa grades ko, so don't try to question why I feel frustrated. Kung kaya mong i-handle nang maayos ang grades mo, hindi ako ganoon!"

"And you think that's healthy for you, Nat?" 

I knew it wasn't healthy. This rivalry, in the first place, was never healthy for the both of us. Paulit-ulit ko nang sinasabi sa kanya 'yon, pero bakit ganito na naman? Bakit lahat ng problema, napupunta na naman sa akin? Nauuwi na naman dito sa rivalry bullshit na 'to? 

"I'm working on it! Can't I just be frustrated, Yori?! Kailangan ba masaya ako kapag nakita ko grades ko? Do I just have to suck it up and call it a day? I'm saying... hindi mo maiintindihan kasi hindi mo pa nararanasan. You always have straight As. You never experienced failure. You were never the second best! You don't understand anything!"

"Can't you remember, Nat?" Kumunot ang noo ko.  "You were the valedictorian, and I was the salutatorian. I was in second place, Nat... but I felt happy for you. I did not compare myself to you. When we lost the debate last time... I never took it out on you. I never got mad... I never left you. How could you say I never experienced things like those? Did I get hurt? Yes. It hurts to lose, and it also hurts to be the second best... but I never said hurtful things to you... so why are you being like this to me?" 

I was so frustrated and hurt that I started tearing up. Kanina ko pa pinipigilan ang luha ko. I don't understand anything? How could she say that when all I did was to try and understand whatever she was going through? Lahat naman iniintindi ko. Lahat ng sinasabi niya, pinapakinggan ko. Lahat ng gawin niya, hinahanap ko siya ng magandang rason. In the end, I still "don't understand anything"? Ano ang ginagawa ko nitong mga nakaraang linggo? 

It was like I never experienced failure in my life. I did. I failed... a lot of times, but I never... never took it out on her... so why can't she do the same? 

I wanted to say those things, but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire, so I just wiped my tears and left. I had to calm down. Ayaw kong magsalita habang mataas ang emosyon naming dalawa. 

"Hintayin mo siyang mag-sorry," payo ni Jap. "You can't just let her get away with this every single time."

I wasn't the type to drink, but I asked Jap if he could drink with me all night. Nakakailang bote na kami at nalalasing na rin ako. I just couldn't stop crying. 

"Ah, shibal..." rinig kong bulong niya. "Huwag ka na ngang umiyak! Hindi pa ba nauubos luha mo?" 

"I should apologize too," I said, still crying. Umayos ako ng upo at kumuha ulit ng tissue para pinunasan ang luha ko.

"Huh?! Why should you apologize?! She should apologize!" galit na sabi ni Jap.

"She's just going through something," I reasoned. "She didn't mean to say that stuff..." 

"Tangina nito, red flag enjoyer."

"Hey, don't say that about her," giit ko at tinapat sa kanya ang tinidor. "You just don't know her that well... She's still a great girlfriend despite her flaws. Hindi lang siya okay ngayon... Don't judge her based solely on this situation." 

"Huh... Okay, sabi mo, eh." Napailing na lang siya. "Hey, wait for her to apologize before talking to her. Dapat alam niyang mali sinabi niya." 

"Giving silent treatment is not good in a relationship..." pagdadahilan ko ulit.

"Yoritsune!" He suddenly started spouting some aggressive Korean phrases that I would always hear whenever he was mad. I couldn't understand, but I knew he was already cursing me out. He was so mad that he couldn't express his anger in English or Filipino anymore. He was so mad that he started talking in his Mother tongue. 

Noong tapos na siya, bumuntong-hininga na lang siya at nagsalin ng alak sa baso. I suddenly got sober because of that. 

"Seriously... How long can you keep this up, Yori?" seryosong tanong na niya sa akin pagka-shot. 

I also asked myself that question... a lot of times, but I just couldn't leave Nat, lalo na ngayong may pinagdadaanan siya. She needed someone beside her. She was not the type to communicate when things would get hard, so I needed to stay until she was ready to let her feelings out. 

"Yori... I'm just letting you know in advance. Estella might get disqualified from the competition because of the plagiarism incident." I just got home from a competition in Cambodia and that was the first thing they told me. It came from the President of the debate club.

Plagiarism incident... I ignored Nat the whole weekend because she refused to apologize. I didn't know she was going through this. I immediately felt guilty. 

I waited in front of her unit the whole day. Hindi niya sinasagot ang mga tawag at messages ko kaya hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko siya kakausapin. She was shutting herself off again. 

When I saw her with Clain, I felt relieved. Basang-basa silang dalawa at parang nagpaulan. Even if she was with another man... Kahit sa ibang tao niya nilabas ang nararamdaman niya, okay lang. At least she was safe. I was worried about her. 

But her fingers... Lahat 'yon ay may band aid na. I felt my heart sinking. She was really going through a lot. 

And she started to change. I couldn't focus on my training at all. I was getting more and more worried about her, tapos iniiwasan niya pa ako. Hindi lang ako. Lahat ng tao na malapit sa kanya ay ayaw niyang kausapin. They would always contact me about Nat. It was hard to assure her parents that she was okay... when she was doing all those stuff that she wouldn't normally do. 

"Yori... You're... so much better than me," she said, drunk.

"Is that all I am to you? Someone to compare yourself to?" I felt a pain on my chest.

"Well... You're so much better at... everything!"

"I am your boyfriend, Nat... I am not your rival. I am not your competition. Why do you always treat me this way? You shut me off... I always wait for you to talk to me. You only talk to me whenever you want to... and you don't even apologize properly for what you said... How... I don't know what to do anymore." Tears started to pool at the corner of my eyes.

"Then leave..." 

Was it that easy?

"I can't... I love you too much..." I couldn't help but cry.

It hurt watching her lose herself, and it hurt more, realizing that... that was how she always pictured me. 

"Don't..." she whispered again. Her eyes were already closed. "Don't... love someone like me."

I cried more. "Do I get to choose, Nat?" I didn't want this to happen... This was not part of the future I planned for us. Everything was becoming so tiring. 

Every time she would say things to me that she wouldn't normally say, I would feel a stab in my chest. I couldn't watch her like that anymore, but I understood... I tried to understand. 

Everything was new to her, and she didn't know how to cope. She didn't know how to deal with those feelings... kaya niya ginagawa 'to. She was forcing herself to be a different person so she wouldn't have to deal with her problems... so she wouldn't get hurt. She was pretending to be someone else so she could brush all those emotions and feelings aside. She was trying to escape her responsibility to address her problems. 

But it was getting harder to handle. Bawat araw, mas nahihirapan akong makita si Nat na nagkakaganoon... Iyong wala nang pakialam sa lahat, kahit sa sarili. She would even go out with Clain. Why could she go out with another man and not me? Bakit ako, iniiwasan niya?

Do I still matter to her?

I was so pathetic. I couldn't even tell her off because I was afraid that she would get mad and leave me... because I knew how easy it was for her to leave. I still tried to go on with my life kahit nagkakaganoon ang buhay niya, but I can't help but feel tired. I couldn't even smile during my streams anymore. Halatang may pinagdadaanan din ako. 

"Okay ka lang ba talaga? Namamaga ang mata mo," sabi ni Wale nang kumain kami sa labas. 

I just gave him a small smile. "Wala, puyat lang." I was actually crying again last night because of Nat. I just couldn't stand to see her like that. 

"Ilang araw ka nang ganyan, ah. Kakagaling mo lang sa lagnat. Huwag ka masyadong magpuyat, bro," sabi naman ni Jero.

"Oo nga. Drink some medicine, bro." Tinapik-tapik ni Nam ang balikat ko. 

I got a fever last week, and Jap tried to tell me to think twice about my relationship with Nat, but I couldn't say anything. Pagkatapos ng training, sinubukan kong ayain ulit si Nat kumain pero may plans ulit siya kasama ang mga kainuman niya. Bumalik ang lagnat ko noong gabing 'yon kaya pinuntahan ako ni Jap. 

"Ako ba girlfriend mo, ha?" Hinampas niya ako ng unan. "Where's Estella?"

"She's... busy," I said, making excuses for her. 

"I'm serious, Yori. Can you see yourself? Can you still call that a relationship? I'm not even telling you to leave her. I'm just saying that you should think twice about the relationship. Just... reflect. Pag-isipan mo kung worth it pa ba lahat ng 'to. You honestly look so pathetic right now." 

Kinuha ko ang unan at tinakip sa mukha ko. Ayaw ko nang pakinggan ang mga sermon ni Jap... but I knew he had a point. 

"I don't want to break up," I told him. "I can still fix this... She will come back to her senses soon..."

"Paano niya mare-realize lahat ng ginagawa niya kung palagi kang nandiyan para uwian niya pagkatapos niyang gawin lahat ng gusto niya nang hindi ka iniisip?" 

"She has no one right now except me." 

"Hindi, Yori. She's not even treating you like you're still part of her life!" Hinampas niya na naman ako ng unan. "Sometimes, people should learn it the hard way. Leave... and she will realize what she lost." 

Parang pasan-pasan ko rin ang mundo at pabigat nang pabigat 'yon kada araw. I would always wait for her to get home. I would beg for her to reply to me through text. I would always try to call her and wait for her to answer my call. I would contact the people she was with just to know if she got home safely. 

She was acting like a normal girlfriend to me... still hugging me, kissing me, and saying that she loves me... but those actions... those words... felt empty to me. Her 'i love you's suddenly felt like she was saying it for the purpose of acting like everything was normal.

When, in fact, I was the only one left in the relationship. Her heart, her soul, and her mind had already left the relationship... and I kept on denying that to myself. I was the only one making it work.

And for the last time... I needed to check. 

"Uhm, Nat... about the job in Japan..." I started. 

"You can go," she immediately said without hearing me out.

And I got hit by reality. Hard. 

I suddenly felt everything at once. Lahat ng pagod, paghihirap, pag-iyak, at sakit na naramdaman ko sa relasyong 'to... Lahat 'yon, dumating nang isang bagsakan dahil lang sa sinabi niya. 

I couldn't help but cry. That reality check just hit me so hard. 

She didn't love me anymore.

I was the only one left with these feelings. 

"Let's just... end this. I'm sorry... I'm really sorry... I can't take it anymore."

"End what?"

I couldn't even look at her. I was afraid that I would swallow all these words again. I already made a decision. I should stick with that.

"Our relationship. Let's break up, Nat..."

And all she said was... Okay.

Pathetic... I was so pathetic. 

I was the one who broke up with her, but I was the one who cried the most. That night, I went to Jap's place. Basang-basa pa ako ng ulan at wala akong dalang gamit. Cellphone at wallet ko lang. I didn't even know how I ended up there. Parang wala na ako sa sarili ko. 

I just cried and cried while drinking until I passed out. The next morning, I was still crying while eating breakfast. 

"Fuck, mas marami pa 'ata iniyak mo kaysa sa tinawa mo sa relasyong 'yan," inis na sabi ni Jap sa akin.

"That's not true," I said, tearing up. "She still made me so happy... Don't say that." I cried, realizing that we just ended the relationship.

"Tama na 'yan. May competition ka pa. Male-late ka na."

Jap told me not to look like I just got my heart broken, so I tried my best to look normal. I ignored Nat the whole time because I didn't trust myself. Baka makipagbalikan lang ako kaagad kapag napalapit kami sa isa't isa.

I just focused on the competition. After this... everything will be over. I wouldn't have to see her again because I would quit the debate club, and I wouldn't compete anymore. 

Fuck... But I do want to see her again.

"Congratulations..." she said when she won. I didn't even feel happy when they announced that we were the winners of the competition. I just wanted it to be over. 

"Is that all?"

"I'm sorry."

Before I could even cry in front of her, I just left. She didn't contact me for a long time. I also refused to go out of my room. There was something missing. I was still waiting for her message.

When she asked if we could talk, I suddenly got my hopes up. I knew Jap would smack me in the head for feeling that way, but I just couldn't help it. 

"Hindi ako pumunta rito para pilitin kang bumalik sa akin. I respect your decision. Gusto ko lang makipag-usap para masabi sa 'yo lahat ng 'to."

But when she said that... I couldn't help but feel like my heart was getting stomped repeatedly into pieces. 

"You're right. We have to stop here. That's the right decision," I said. 

That was the hardest decision I had ever made in this relationship. 

I bowed. "Ima made sukide ite kurete arigatō." I gave her a painful smile. "Anata ni deaete yokatta."

Thank you for loving me all this time. I'm happy that we met. 

I gave her a pat on the head before leaving. I still managed to wave while walking away. I could not even face her... because I couldn't stop my tears from falling. 

I didn't know how to deal with this heartbreak. It hurt more than it did last time. I just wished that everything was just a daydream. Maybe that would be easier than having to deal with this reality. 

But it wasn't a daydream... and I had to face these feelings. The pain... The heartbreak. I had to embrace them. 

I spent days mourning over the relationship. Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months... until it didn't hurt as much as it did on the first day. 

"Does it still hurt?" tanong ni Jap habang kumakain kami ng ice cream sa may convenience store. It was a week before fourth year, first sem. 

"Which?" 

"The break up..." panimula niya. 

Two months. I had to deal with that heartbreak for two months. I spent the whole summer trying to move on. 

Was it that easy? Well... At least I never got to see her again. That sped up the process. 

"It is what it is..." sabi ko na lang habang nakatingin sa malayo. "We're just not meant to be together." 

"Do you hate her? Are you mad at her?" 

"Who?" tanong ko ulit, acting dumb.

"Estella." 

Ang tagal ko na ring hindi narinig 'yong pangalan na 'yon. The day finally arrived when the mere mention of her name no longer caused me pain.

"Me?" I smiled and shook my head. "No. I don't hate her, and I'm not mad at her. Should I get mad at her?" 

"Hindi naman... Do you think you still have feelings for her?"

I couldn't help but smile at his question. That was a funny one.

"Magagalit ka ba kapag sinabi kong oo?"

Padabog niyang hinampas ang lamesa at tumayo. Kinuha niya ang upuan at umaktong ihahampas sa akin 'yon. That made me laugh.

"Ano nga?! Ayusin mo sagot mo," he threatened.

I laughed at his reaction. "Of course not. She's just a part of my past now." 

"Wala na talaga?"

I shook my head again, smiling. "I don't have feelings for her anymore... but I will always root for her. I can at least do that, right?"

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:)