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14


YORI

"On the opposition, we have Estella Nataleigh V. Martinez."

Grade 7. It was my first time in a debate competition. I studied in a Science High School na sobrang competitive. Hindi naman dapat ako kasali rito, but I was the number one in the batch, kaya pinilit nila akong sumali.

Studying was something I was good at. No... I could be good at anything if I put my mind to it. Focusing on things was never hard for me. Kailangan ko lang palagi ng extra effort. Pinasok nila ako sa debate, so I made an effort to do well. 

I cannot be average. I had to be the best. Mom said I could only be with her in Japan when I finally became successful enough. Mom said I should do well. Dad also put a lot of hope in me before he died. He said I was a very smart kid and I could do anything I wanted because I was never hard to teach as a child. 

And I won. 

I held the trophy in my hand, but I could not even smile for the camera because... that kid was crying. The girl from the opposition. She was crying backstage. 

Pagkatapos ng awarding, bumaba na ako sa stage at pumunta sa likod. She was seated on a chair, covering her face. 

I never knew winning could make me feel so bad. 

Huminto ako sa harapan niya at inabot sa kanya ang trophy ko para tumigil na siya kaka-iyak niya. When she saw me, istead of stopping, she cried louder. Napakunot ang noo ko at tumingin sa paligid.

"At pinagyayabang mo pa sa akin, huh?!" galit na singhal niya sa akin. "Ang yabang-yabang mo! Tatalunin kita next year! Promise!" Tumayo siya at mabilis na naglakad paalis. 

I blinked twice, surprised. Bakit siya nagagalit? 

Grade 8. She really kept her promise. Natalo niya ako, but it was not a big deal to me... yet. She was smirking at me the whole time, and it pissed me off. I became more competitive because of her. Iyong mayabang niyang expression, wala na 'yan next year. Mapapalitan na ulit 'yan ng ngumangawa niyang mukha. 

"Pinagbigyan lang kita," sabi niya noong in-announce ang winner. Grade 9 'yon. Hindi na siya umiiyak. She just looked more determined when she lost. "Huwag kang pakampante. Aagawin ko rin 'yang trophy next year." 

I scoffed. What the heck? May ganito pala talagang tao. 

"You lost. That's it. End of story," sabi ko sa kanya. "Loser." 

"Ano'ng sabi mo, ha?!" Napatakip ako sa tainga ko dahil sa sigaw niya. Namumula na ang mukha niya sa sobrang galit. "Tingnan mo lang next year! Wala na 'yang yabang mo!" 

"Pagbigyan na lang din kita next year. Kawawa ka naman," sabi ko bago ako umalis.

Grade 10. Hindi ko siya pinagbigyan, pero natalo niya ako. Tuwang-tuwa siya noon. Parang mas natuwa pa siyang natalo niya ako kaysa sa fact na champion siya ng debate competition. 

"Luluhod ka muna sa harapan ko at magmamakaawa bago mo ako matalo."

Ang pangit ng ugali niya. 

I got a scholarship from Heinrich Senior High School. Number one ako sa batch namin kaya madali lang akong na-accept. Wala pa ang magulang ko. HUMSS ang kinuha ko kasi hindi pa ako sure kung tutuloy ako sa Electronics Engineering o kung gusto ko bang maging diplomat. Makakatulong din 'yong strand para sa debate. Kapag nanalo ako roon, automatic na pasok na ako sa first choice program ko at sa dream university ko. Magulo talaga ang isipan ko noong Grade 10. I didn't know which career to pursue, or if I would prefer studying in Japan. Hindi ko alam. 

"Pst. Kilala mo ba ako?" Kung minamalas ka ba naman... I was in the same class as that girl. Akala ko hindi ko na siya makikita pagkatapos niya akong bugahan sa restaurant ng kapatid ko. I didn't want to see her again. 

"No," I answered and looked away.

She did not stop there. I just wanted her to leave me alone. I wanted a peaceful campus life like before. I didn't have many friends because I was too focused on studying. Since the school I went to was super competitive, they also didn't like the fact that I was always on top, so they didn't want to be friends with me. They all treated me as a rival.... someone they should compete with. Ako iyong taong kailangan nilang lagpasan o matalo.

It didn't feel good. I wanted to be treated as a normal friend. A normal classmate. I didn't like the feeling of being seen as someone to surpass. Wala tuloy ako masyadong naging kaibigan. Kung mayroon man, iyon 'yong mga gusto lang kumopya sa assignments ko. 

Estella was no different. 

"Nice to meet you, Yori. I'm Estella, your competition." 

Ang kulit ng taong 'to. Kada exam, nagtatanong ng score. Kulang na lang kuhanin niya ang test paper ko para i-compare sa paper niya. It was getting so annoying and frustrating. I had to remind her a lot of times that I didn't want to compete with her. I didn't see her as my rival. Wala na kami sa debate competition. Nasa classroom na kami. 

Because I was pissed at her, I wanted to take revenge. I studied more. I put more effort para mainis din siya. She was easy to annoy. Mataasan mo lang siya o kaya kontrahin mo sa recitation, maiinis na siya. The annoyance was very evident on her face. 

"She got in," I whispered to myself when I looked at the announcement of the debate club. 

Mas inuna ko pang tingnan ang pangalan niya kaysa sa pangalan ko. Was it because I was also starting to see her as my rival? Or... was it something else? 

"Tara na. Okay na siguro 'to." We were at the clinic. Natamaan siya ng bola kaya nandito siya. Ako naman, nautusang samahan siya kahit hindi ako 'yong nakatama. Sumama na lang ako kasi malamig sa clinic. I didn't want to stay under the sun. 

I stood up and went to her. Napaatras siya sa sobrang lapit ko. 

"Let me see." I held her hand so I could get the ice pack. I had to check the bruise. Okay naman na siguro 'yon... pero ang init sa labas. "Let's stay here for a few more minutes." 

For the first time... She looked nervous around me. She was never nervous around me because she believed in herself. She was so confident that she could beat me at anything, na mas magaling siya sa akin. But this time, I saw her nervous. She was trying to avoid my gaze. 

Jap became my closest friend. He was the one who approached me. He was a nice guy. An extrovert. He didn't care about his grades, so he was one of the people who never saw me as a rival, kaya ko siya naging kaibigan. Wala siyang pakialam sa scores. He was even supportive of me. 

"Are you sure there's nothing going on between you and Estella?" tanong niya sa akin, nang-aasar. Lunchtime kasi. 

"No way," sagot ko at umiling pa. I was busy eating my salad. 

"Wala ka bang gusto sa kanya? She's pretty."

"Being pretty is not enough." She had to be nice too. Eh... Why would I even consider liking a person? It never came to me. Kahit noong Junior High School, wala naman akong nagustuhan. I was too focused on studying, and they treated me like shit, too... so I wanted someone kind. Someone nice.

Estella wasn't nice. She treated me differently.

"Mali ka rin sa number na 'to? 'Di ba? Parang mali 'yong sinabi ni Ma'am. I-clarify natin. Dapat bonus 'yan," sabi ni Estella nang tingnan ang test paper ko.

"Just let it go." Dumukmo ako sa mesa. Isang number lang 'yon, pero pinaglaban niya pa rin.

"Oh, ayan! Perfect ka na tuloy!" Nilapag niya ang test paper sa mesa ko pagkatapos niyang magreklamo. I earned another point. I didn't know if I should thank her or what. 

Umayo ako ng upo at tumingin sa kanya. Her brows were furrowed while looking at her test paper, checking her mistakes. I tilted my head a bit to the side while staring at her face. 

She had a very small beauty mark on the side of her eye, near the cheekbone. Her bare face looked pretty. Her lips were naturally pink, and her skin was pale, so you could easily see the redness on her cheek whenever it was hot. 

"Huy, nakikinig ka ba?" I snapped back to reality when Estella waved her hand in front of me. "Sabi ko, sa tingin mo ba may quiz sa next subject? Nag-aral ka ba?" 

"No." I immediately looked away. I didn't even understand what she said. Sumagot lang ako. 

I never found Estella different from others, but when did I start waiting for her to go home? Kahit ma-late na akong umuwi, hinihintay ko pa rin ang sundo niya. She was always smiling and surrounded by a lot of people, so seeing her alone in that waiting shed made me want to accompany her. 

Kahit hindi niya ako kausapin. Kahit wala rin akong sabihin sa kanya. I just wanted her to feel my presence... and for me to feel hers. 

Debate team competing at Hansford Debate Tournament:

Estella Nataleigh V. Martinez & Yoritsune K. Alanis

"Eh?" Napakunot ang noo ko nang makita ko ang results. Why? Bakit nangyayari sa akin 'to? After competing with her for four years, magkasama na kaming lalaban? How could I be partners with someone who had always seen me as her rival? Paano ang dynamics namin? 

"Yiee, you're going to spend the whole summer together. Baka may ma-develop na feelings..." Jap teased me again.

"Stop saying that. She's just a classmate to me," I told him. 

"Sure ka? Feeling ko may gusto ka na kay Estella. I always hear her name coming out of your mouth." He was smiling like crazy.

"It's because... Estella's always at the center of all the things happening to me. Ayaw niya akong lubayan," inis na sabi ko na. 

"Eh di ikaw ang lumayo! Naiinis ka pala, eh!" 

Just to prove a point, I started avoiding her... but why... Why would we always end up in the library together? At the same time? Palagi ko siyang nakikita. Palagi siyang nandiyan. Palagi niya akong kinakausap. Ano ba ang gusto niya?

I looked back at her to check if she was still there, but I saw her sleeping. Her brows were furrowed, and she was hugging herself like she was cold. I sighed and removed my jacket. Pinatong ko iyon sa balikat niya at niligpit ang mga inaaral niya para hindi niya malukot. After that, I also got my things and left. 

"She asked me to eat with her, and then she left me immediately when she saw her friends." Nakaupo kami sa hagdan ni Jap habang kumakain ng ice cream. I didn't even realize that I was blabbering.

"A-huh..." Jap was enjoying it. 

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Nevermind. Bakit ko ba kinekwento 'to?" 

"Ang tanong... Why are you bothered by it na kailangan mo pang ikwento?" natatawang sabi niya. "Did you want to eat with her?"

"Hindi." Umiling ako. 

"Iyon naman pala, eh. Puro ka Estella, Estella, Estella... Iba na 'yan, bro." 

"Shut up. It's not like that." I rolled my eyes. 

Palagi akong nag-aaral sa nilaan kong oras para ma-balance ko ang oras ko para sa ibang bagay like e-games. I always enjoyed playing games, sa computer man o sa phone, because I knew I was good at it. Palagi kong natatalo si Jap sa 1v1, and we would always win sa rank game, because I also studied the games. I studied all the items, the heroes, the map. Lahat ng nasa game. I made sure to master everything. As I said... I always put effort in everything I did. 

While I was studying, she messaged me. Normally, I would not touch my phone while studying. Palaging naka-silent 'yon, but when her message popped up, I couldn't resist the urge to open it. 

Estella: nag-aaral ka pa?

I stared at it, thinking if I should reply. Umiling ako at binaba na ulit ang phone para ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ko.

But I started reading the same line over and over again because I was so out of focus. Wala na akong nagawa kung hindi kuhanin ang phone para mag-reply. 

Yori: Oo

Estella: may tanong ako sa math

Yori: What

Estella: may sinearch ako sa internet na sample problems alam mo ba 'to

She sent me a photo, and I quickly solved it and sent it back. It was a hard question, so I searched all over the internet and watched a quick video so I could solve it for her. I didn't want to disappoint her by saying I didn't know how to solve it. 

Estella: saan galing yang equation na yan

I didn't know how to explain it on chat, so I asked if I could call her. Pagkasagot pa lang niya, sinimulan ko nang ipaliwanag 'yong problem... but the call went to different topics. She was always so talkative. I didn't even realize the time. Kanina pa ako tinatawag ni Akemi para kumain. I almost skipped dinner. 

And then summer training came. 

I wasn't expecting anything to happen or for things to escalate... but I knew there was something. 

"Hmm... Gwapo mo, 'no?"

I choked on my food. 

No one... had ever told me that I was attractive. I never believed that I was. On the first day of school, I could hear whispers, but no one ever told me that in front of my face. 

How could she say that so easily... when I couldn't even tell her how pretty she was without feeling awkward or nervous? 

Dahil ako lang ang kasama niya, ako lang ang nakikita niya, ako lang ang hinahatak at inaaya niya kung saan-saan. I was always with her. I was focused on her and the debate. We had to make our dynamics work. I had to hang out with her so we could be effective partners. 

"Girlfriend mo ba 'yon, Yori?" one of the waiters at my sister's restaurant asked me. 

I looked back at Estella. "No... She's just my partner." 

"Partner in life?" pang-aasar niya.

Umiling ako. "Just partners in debate... but... I don't know." 

It was the fact that I couldn't even give a certain answer because I didn't know what could happen in the future. There was something I was feeling... but I was still unsure of it. 

I just found myself doing things I wouldn't normally do... like messaging first. I just had to make sure that she arrived home safely. I couldn't wait for her to message me. 

And for some reason, we became closer and closer each day. I didn't know if it was just me feeling that way. Whenever we would get close to each other, we would get nervous and pull away. 

"May girlfriend ka na?"

I almost choked again. What kind of question was that? Did I look like someone who would have a girlfriend? 

"Okay, alam ko namang wala. Mukha namang wala, eh." I felt so offended! Okay, alam ko naman na hindi ganoon ang vibe na binibigay ko. I never saw myself with a girlfriend. It just didn't suit me. 

I was never the romantic type. I knew nothing about relationships. Napapanood ko lang 'yon pero hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sa totoong buhay. It was not easy for me to figure out what I was feeling. 

Wala naman siyang boyfriend, 'no? Wala ba? 

"Ang damot mo! Buti pa si Rus, mabait!" 

I was so pissed. Why would she even compare me to that guy she just met today? I had been preparing meals for her... I would wake up so early in the morning so I could prepare her a bento box kasi palagi niyang nakakalimutang magdala ng baon. I even asked my sister to teach me. Hindi pa ba ako mabait sa lagay na 'yon? 

"Who the fuck is he anyway? Bakit kailangan kong ma-compare sa ibang tao?" I was... again, ranting to Jap. He video-called me to ask if tutuloy ako sa gala namin. 

"Yeah, right... Why are you so mad?" natatawang tanong niya sa akin. "Chill!"

"I hate being compared," inis na sabi ko.

"Kayo naman, LQ kaagad. Susuyuin ka rin noon. Huwag kang mag-alala," pang-aasar kaagad niya. "Are you sure there's nothing going on?"

"Nothing. Ayoko na." I rolled my eyes. "I don't want to put effort anymore."

"Into what?"

"Making her meals!" inis na sabi ko.

I was so mad and irritated. Why would she compare me to another man? That was so unfair. I was so done. Bahala na si Estella. 

"Good morning!" she greeted me. We were too early in the meeting place. Manonood kami ng sine kasama ang mga kaklase namin. "Kanina ka pa nandito?"

I shook my head, refusing to talk to her. Ayaw ko na. All my efforts were just going down to waste. She never appreciated me. 

"Galit ka pa rin ba kasi cinompare kita kay Rus?" She was laughing. "Sorry na! Joke lang 'yon! Mas magaling ka pa rin makipag-debate doon! Iyon nga lang, pinakamagaling ako. Tsaka hindi ka naman madamot kasi binibigyan mo nga ako ng pagkain!"

I looked at her and saw a clip hanging on her hair. Inabot ko 'yon at tinanggal dahil mahuhulog na. 

"Paayos na lang, please," she cutely said. 

Shit. 

I can't resist her. Parang nawala na lahat ng galit at inis ko. 

"Bakit ba ako ang inaasar n'yo?! Bakit hindi si Veena?! Suot niya nga jacket ni Yori kanina! Sila na lang asarin n'yo, please!" sabi niya. 

Estella rejected my offer, and one of our classmates was also cold, so I gave my jacket to her instead. I was just being kind to the people who were also kind to me. That didn't mean I liked her. 

"Hay naku, hindi nga! Wala nga akong crush kay Yori! Never, ever! We're nothing but debate partners! Iyon na 'yon!"

Oh. Nothing but debate partners...

"Aw, ouch," bulong sa akin ni Jap. "Wala ka pala, eh." 

"What she said was true," walang emosyong sabi ko. 

She said we were nothing but debate partners, but why was she acting like that with me? She said she would sometimes feel nervous around me, she was always so close to me, she would ask me to watch with her, she would post a photo of us on her socials, and she would always message me. 

Ano 'yon? Ano ba ang tawag doon? Magulo? 

Then she started avoiding me for no reason. Hindi ko alam kung galit ba siya, kung may nagawa ba ako. I was so confused. Why? Why was she treating me like that? 

I felt like a toy she could easily play with... something she could easily dispose of just because she felt like it. 

"Crush kita!"

What? 

"Ayan, dahil sinabi ko sa 'yo, mawawala na rin 'to in a few days! Huwag kang mag-alala! Kapag kasi tinatago mo, mas nagiging intense kaya sinabi ko na sa 'yo kaagad! Oh, 'di ba?! Hindi na ako naiilang sa 'yo!" She laughed and tapped my shoulders. 

How... How could it be that easy for her? 

Sana... kaya ko rin 'yon. 

I told her that I felt the same... and I was also expecting it to fade after a few days, but it didn't. 

I felt hurt by the way she was treating me. I wanted to just forget the feelings I felt. It looked like it didn't matter to her anyway. 

"You say you have a crush on me, then you suddenly avoid me. After avoiding me, you go on a date with another guy at my sister's restaurant. For what? To make me feel stupid after confessing to you? I was close to just forgetting everything, but you suddenly decided to be nice to me again. Then you went on a date again. Stop giving me mixed signals, Nat. It does not feel good."

Why would she treat me like that? Avoid me, and then be nice to me again... I couldn't understand. 

I was never a jealous person, but... what she did hurt me... and that was why I got mad. I couldn't keep it in anymore. 

But she explained her side, and everything felt normal again. It was either I was too easy to please, or I just could not resist her because I liked her so much. 

Na kahit anong gawin niya, bumabalik pa rin ako sa kanya. 

Summer ended, and we were officially in Grade 12. That was when everything felt so nice... and sweet. 

I put my mind to it... into the relationship I was building with her, so I made an effort to do my best. Lahat ng gusto niya, ginagawan ko ng paraan para mabigay. She wanted me to meet her parents, so I did, although I had no experience meeting other people's parents. She wanted me to go with her family to celebrate her birthday, so I did. I even worked at my sister's restaurant so I could buy her a gift. Ayaw kong humingi ng pera sa iba pambili ng regalo niya. It should come from me. 

"Magpahinga ka, Yori," my sister told me. "You already have so many things to do." 

I shook my head while washing the dishes. "It's okay." It was for Estella. 

We celebrated her birthday in the restaurant. It was also the first time she saw my room. We were seated on the floor. There was tension around us. 

"Hindi ka pa ba hinahanap?" I asked her. 

"Hindi pa naman..."

I looked at her hand. Hindi ko na napigilan. I held her hand and intertwined it with mine. My heart was beating so fast. I didn't know holding someone's hand could make a person feel like this. 

"Nat..." 

"Hmm?"

"Daisuki."

It could either mean I really like you... or I love you. I meant the latter. 

I love her. 

But I couldn't confess yet. I was waiting for the final competition so that we could focus on our relationship after that. 

She wanted to celebrate my birthday, so I did. I never celebrated my birthday because of my dad's death... but she made me feel that it was okay. The happiness she made me feel was enough to eradicate the sadness I was feeling. She made my world colorful.

Of course, our relationship was not perfect. She still saw me as her rival... and I didn't want that. Pero iniintindi ko na lang. I needed to put extra effort into understanding her. She was a work-in-progress. Hindi naman niya mababago mindset niya sa isang gabi lang. I never tolerated that behavior so she could learn, so she would understand that I didn't want that. She said she would work on it, so that was enough for me.

Hindi naman ako malinis. I would sometimes make the wrong decisions too. I would walk away from her instead of talking about it. I also made mistakes in the relationship. Pareho naman kaming bago lang dito. I just had to put more effort to become the best person for her.

I noticed that she was always pressuring herself. I wanted her to enjoy life more. Ayaw kong paikutin niya mundo niya sa acads and competitions... so when we accidentally skipped one class, I felt happy. She was able to relax.

We became busier when the competitions started. Halos magkasunod pang nagaganap ang sa e-games at debate. I was always recognized in the field. People said I should start streaming, but I never liked talking or showing my face to the camera.

"Salamat sa buhat, Yori!" We won again.

"You guys did great," I told them too. 

I loved e-games and the debate was important to me too... so I couldn't choose when Nat asked me to choose which competition to attend. 

I didn't have to. I didn't want to be put in that position. Gagawan ko ng paraan, kahit ano'ng mangyari. 

December 12. I had two competitions that day. One in the morning, one in the afternoon. I wanted to end it fast para hindi ako ma-late. 

The event started late. Okay pa ako dahil naniniwala akong kaya kong tapusin kaagad, but they also had technical difficulties. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. 

I stood up, ready to leave. 

I was put in a position where I had to choose... and as I said, I will always choose her. 

"Yori, saan ka pupunta?" the coach asked. 

"I can't be late," sabi ko sa kanya. "Nat is waiting for me." 

"Hindi pa nagsisimula ang laro. Sige na, hintayin mo na. Alam mo namang mahalaga ka sa team... Hindi ka pwedeng umalis, Yori." 

"If I don't leave now, can I still get there on time?" paninigurado ko. 

"Oo naman. Bibilisan natin. Naka-motor naman ako, eh."

I trusted him. I also tried to finish the game as soon as possible. Nanalo kami, pero mas iniisip ko 'yong susunod naming competition. Hindi na nga ako naki-celebrate. As soon as the game ended, I didn't even wait for the celebratory shouts. I just put the phone down, got my jacket, and ran. 

My coach ran after me. Sumakay kami sa motor niya. Gaya ng sabi niya, minadali niya nga. Sira pa ang strap ng helmet ko since it was just his extra. We had no choice. I was just holding onto it, until he suddenly stopped because a car was speeding on our way. Niliko niya at tumaob kaming dalawa. Natanggal pa ang helmet ko kaya nauntog ako. 

It wasn't a big accident. Nasugat lang ang forearm ko at dumudugo ang ulo ko.

It felt so sudden. My head was clouded. All I could feel was pain... but I had to stand up. 

The time. I was more worried about the time. 

"Yori! Kailangan nating pumunta sa hospital!" sabi ng coach ko. Marami rin siyang sugat at nakaupo na lang sa gilid ng daan. People already called an ambulance... but how long should I wait? 

"I have to go," I told him. "I'm fine. I can still go."

"Yori, kailangan kang ipagamot. Huwag ka nang pumunta roon!" 

"No!" I yelled. "I have to be there!" I can still stand. I can still walk. I was fine. 

I looked for the nearest convenience store to buy water, alcohol, and a patch for my head. Nagmamadali kong pinunasan ang sarili ko. Ako na rin ang naglagay ng patch sa ulo ko. I looked at the time. May oras pa. I promised her.

The motorcycle was broken, at walang dumadaang tricycle. I checked my phone. Malapit na sa venue kaya tinakbo ko na lang. My coach kept calling my name, but I just ran. 

I can't disappoint her. 

But... we lost. And she cried. 

"I'm sorry, Yori... I don't think we're meant to be together."

No... No, how could she say that? Dahil natalo kami? Wala na? Iyon na 'yon?

"I can't be with you, Yori... because you're better than me. Kapag nanatili ako, palagi ko lang ikukumpara ang sarili ko sa 'yo. Ayaw kong mangyari 'yon. I'm sorry."

She left me... just like that. I wanted to go after her, but my head was hurting. I closed my eyes and held my head. The next thing I knew, I was already in the hospital.

"Yori! He's awake! Ah, yokatta..." I heard Akemi's voice. "You made me so worried." 

The doctor said I was good to go, but I should be monitored. My sister was so mad at me. My mom too. 

There was so much going on. Nag-finals pa... so I didn't get the chance to talk to Nat about what happened. 

I didn't think it would still matter to her. I wanted us to work... but I didn't want to force her into a relationship she didn't want. She had to work on herself first... and I at least owe some pity to myself. I just focused on studying. 

We were back to strangers that easily. We both woke up from a daydream. 

"Stop staring at her. Halata ka masyado," sabi ni Jap. 

Estella was eating with her friends at the cafeteria. She was smiling like nothing happened. I was just admiring her from afar. Wala na, eh. What could I do? Ipipilit ko pa ba? She looked happy and more relaxed now that she didn't have to worry about me anymore. 

I looked away, trying to stop my tears from falling. "She looks okay. Good for her." 

Jap tapped my shoulder. "Kaya dapat ikaw rin, bro." 

A lot of months passed by... and I finally felt okay. Just okay. It wasn't like I completely forgot about her. Mahirap 'yon kasi kaklase ko siya. 

I just made peace with my feelings. I wasn't getting hurt anymore... but I was still admiring her from afar. 

"You and Estella are going to study at the same university. Na-overhear ko sa usapan nila," balita sa akin ni Jap. 

"And?" I asked. 

"It's your chance! Love is sweeter the second time around!" pang-aasar niya. 

I shook my head. "It doesn't work like that." 

"But you still love her, right?" 

Natigilan ako. 

"Of course," bulong ko. 

"Then, get your girl, bro!" 

"If it happens, it happens." I shrugged. 

Would it be possible if I don't depend on fate and just make it happen? 

"Thank you..." Nat said while staring at my eyes. "Sa lahat... sa pagiging parte ng buhay ko. Thank you... and I'm sorry." 

And I felt it. The pain. I felt it again. She was hurting me with her words... with her actions... again. It sounded like she was saying goodbye for good. 

My lips formed a small smile. "Alright... Good luck. I hope you achieve your dreams."

I walked away... but every step I made just felt heavier and heavier. No... There was still something. I had to say something. I had to go in her direction again. 

"I love you, Nat. I just wanted to let you know. I don't want to leave this school without telling you that."

There. The confession. I said it just for the sake of making my chest feel lighter. 

It was the end. Nilabas ko ang phone ko at dinelete ang number niya to prove a point that it was the end. I confessed, not expecting anything in return. I said it because I just wanted her to know. That was the closure I needed.

But it may or may not stop there. 

"You better hide yourself well. The next time I see you on the university campus... I won't let you go again." 

I don't believe in fate... but I will when I see her again. 

Kung hindi, then she was right. We were never meant to be together. 

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