Hercules, my love, you are the light of my life. 

I hold you close to me and take pleasure in knowing that you have chosen me as yours, that you are mine. You hold me close to you and I know it's all going to be okay because there is absolutely nothing that could happen to me while I'm safe in your arms.

But if you're reading this, it has. 

Either that or you're snooping in my journal and really need to get the fuck out before I find out and need to get revenge. But I'm going to assume you don't have me around anymore and are going through old stuff, looking for something of mine.

Please don't Herc. Just let it go babe. I miss you too, but you can't cling to me forever. You deserve a better life than one grasping at memories, go out and live your life until we reunite. I assure you, wherever I am as you read this book, I'm more than fine. I'm happy babe. You need to be too.

Tell the kids I love them, and, yes, I mean every one of my kids. Go out with them, please, find someone new and take pleasure in the small things. Never forget how much I love you, how much everyone does, because you are so wonderful and if I died I died with you as the last thing on my mind, the sense of comfort that only you could bring.

Watch the sunrise for me babe.

Forever yours, Laff.

-Herc POV-

There's something they don't tell you about death.

No one cares. The world moves on without you.

Today is one of the worst days of my life. But for everyone else, it could be their best. The man beside me could have just won the lottery. The woman in front of me could be newly engaged.

But it doesn't matter. My husband is gone. Yesterday he took his last breath as I held him in my arms.

And no one up here cares but me.

I don't even want to be here. I just want to sit at home and cry in our bed. Hold onto his hoodie, curled up in his blanket. Be near the things that remind me of him. The things he loved.

But the kids need food. And I'm not ready to attempt cooking again yet.

I don't order anything for myself. I'm not hungry. Not ready to eat. I'm not anything right now. 

Well, that's not true.

I'm alive.

Heading over to a small table in the corner, I hand sandwiches to the three kids.

"Herc, you need to eat too."

"I'm okay."

"No you aren't. Nothing is okay right now. Mom is gone. But you need food."

"I'm not hungry Mads."

"Laff wouldn't want this. She'd want you to take care of yourself!"

"Yeah, well I don't see Laff anywhere. They're gone."

I ignore the look my daughter gives me as Usnavi tears up beside her.

"Dad, he lied to us. To me."

"Hmm?"

"He told me he'd never leave me. He said I could stay with him forever. He promised. And now he's gone, just like old mom and dad. Why did he leave us?"

Fuck.

"He didn't want to Usnavi. He loved you, all of you so much. But sometimes the people we love are taken from us sooner than we would like. And it hurts. But it'll be okay."

"I want daddy to come back."

"I do too sweetheart. But he can't."

"Why?"

"He just can't Anne."

"But why?"

"Because Anne. Because he's gone! You're never going to see him again because he died!"

She pulls her knees to her chest, and I pull the little girl onto my lap. Tears once again stream down my face as I clutch onto her.

"I'm sorry. I'm here baby. I'm going to take care of you."

"You still need to take care of yourself, Herc."

"Mads, it's not the time. Please just eat."

"Fine! But we both know Marie would be disappointed in you right now."

"Yeah. Yeah, we do."

"Herc! Herc, watch this!"

"Laff, what are you doing?"

I get no answer, he just sprints past me in nothing but his boxers. 

Not how I thought our first date would end, but hey, I'll take it?

He giggles, and I watch him flip himself off the dock. There's a splash, and I lose sight of him before he kicks himself back to the surface. I sit on the edge of the dock and stick my feet in as he kicks around.

"Join me, mon ami!"

"Laff. I can't swim."

"Then I guess I'll have to carry you."

There's a squeak from me as my legs are grabbed, yanking me into the water with him.

"Laff!"

"I've got you. If I can throw someone into the air, I can hold you above the surface."

"Fine. Just don't let me drown, or I'll kill you!"

"Of course not, mon ami. I'll never let anything happen to you as long as I live."

I smile as I'm pulled against his chest, ripples and waves washing over my chest as we bob along in the water. He glances down at me with a frown, tugging my collar.

"You're still wearing your shirt."

"Yeah. I wasn't exactly expecting to be yanked in here."

"I can put you back if you want-"

"No!"

I cling onto him, arms around his neck. He just smiles at me before pressing our foreheads together.

I can't believe this. Lafayette is holding me. Shirtless. 

And we're on a date. 

Together.

Holy. Shit.

Fucking finally.

"Laff-"

I'm cut off as he dunks me under the water.

He lifts my head back up, dripping wet as I stare at him. I let go of him to wipe the water out of my eyes as he laughs.

"Was that necessary?"

"Oui."

"You're gonna drown me if you do that."

"Then I'll do the my mouth on your mouth."

"You know CPR?"

"Of course! I'm at the pool every other day. Someone could be drowning because the coach wouldn't let them breath and I'd have to save them! Why do you act surprised?"

"I don't know."

"Here, I show you how. Most important step first."

And with that, he presses his mouth to mine.

I flinch back a second before kissing back. 

I can't believe it.

Lafayette just started kissing me.

I'm kissing him.

Once again, fucking finally.

He pulls back after a moment. I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack or something, because I actually cannot either breathe or think straight.

Hell, I can't even think gay.

"That's not how CPR works, by the way. That's just a kiss."

Yeah, I figured that much. Because CPR is supposed to restart someone's breathing.

All this did was take my breath away.

And I love it. 

I want to kiss him until my oxygen depletes and real CPR becomes a necessary procedure.

With that, I tuck a stray lock of hair back behind Laff's ears and smile up at him.

"I think I missed a step or two in there. Mind demonstrating again?"

I don't cry at the funeral.

The tears have dried for the day, only coming out at night as I lie there in our bed. 

Alone.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

What is that even supposed to mean?

He's not lost. He's gone. And I'm never going to see him again.

Mr. Fayette cries. John cries. Madison cries.

But I can't. I just sit there, listening as people talk to me. Offer meaningless condolences.

Burr officiates it. 

I insisted, knowing he wouldn't disappoint. He did amazing at the weddings, and he's doing great now.

But Laff would hate this. He's always hated the idea of funerals, finding it dumb we only say these things once it's to late. That we mourn those who have happily moved on to what is hopefully a better place.

Regardless, we still ended up doing a small ceremony before the 'party'.

I find the 'party' idea a little unfitting, but this isn't about what I want. Because Laff wanted this to be a celebration of his life.

'Its putting the Fun in Fun-eral!'

He never did pronounce that word right.

I smile softly as I glance around the room. Jefferson was allowed to pull this piece together, insisting he could party better than anyone else.

And it's nice, a classy setting with cake and snacks. Punch that, for the first time in forever, Peggy is not attempting to spike. Photographs and videos displayed around the room.

"Never thought I would have to make a cake for my sons funeral."

"I don't think any of us did, sir."

"No, I suppose not. I just- I missed so much and now it's too late."

"Yeah. It really is upsetting, isn't it? How people just fucking die. Leaving you all alone because they were the only person who you could ever love, who could ever love you. What bullshit."

He just gives me a small nod, looking like he's about to say something before Washington pulls him into a hug. The two of them just cling to each other, surprisingly not arguing, crying into their embrace.

I turn away and stare at the cork board wall where the photos have been hung. Memories and stories pasted beside them.

It hurts. Staring at photos of him how he always was. Knowing he'll never laugh like he does in the photos again. He'll never sing again, never dance again.

Laff will never hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay again.

But I don't cry. I just hold my kids to me as people talk around me.

"And then he said, 'Thomas! You cock sucking slut!' and almost started a fist-fight via James-"

"-which is when he burst into the room, full drag with Beyoncé playing from Alex's stereo-"

"-so I was like, 'bitch, fight me!' and they knocked me out using a table-"

"And the four of us were in Omaha Nebraska so we could create chaos without being recognized-"

"Then she called my now-fiancé Jemmy James and told him-"

"-that's what she said!"

"So I decided to properly honor him and his overprotective no-alcohol-in-the-punch-ever dad role, I'd better go all out!" 

And, finally, out comes the tequila, Peggy smiling sadly as she pours two bottles in the punch before removing a small flask from her sock and taking a long shot. Same as always.

But now there's no one to yell at her irresponsibility.

The bowl is soon tipped over by Philip and Eacker, causing Peggy and her not-girlfriend to shriek as it falls on the four of them. Alex ends up coming over to wipe up the mess made by Philip as I continue to watch from the corner.

Whatever fucking conversation Thomas and Aaron were having has ended in Thomas twerking as he laughs, tears streaming down his face and smudging the eyeliner he's wearing because he and Laff made a bet that whoever died first, the other would go to the funeral as them.

James and I did not make a similar one.

But this is what Laff wanted. Us to be happy that he had lived his life. Not dwelling on his final moments.

And then there's John, sobbing inside of a trash can while he stuffs piece after piece of cake into his face.

I still can't bring myself to converse with anyone. To laugh as I think about my husband.

I still feel that weight in my arms. The way he felt as everything stopped. His shaking as he shut down.

Even though he's the one who died, I don't feel alive anymore.

And that would disappoint him.

"Herc! Jump already!"

I let out a shriek as I'm pushed from the cliff.

The world is racing past in a whizz as I go hurtling downwards. I finally hit the water with a splash, Laff soon joining me. He giggles as he supports the two of us, keeping my head well above the surface.

My own legs have stopped working at this point.

There's similar yelling from John behind me as we reach an area where I can stand.

My head is still trying to process the experience, and my nose stings from the water.

Laff just giggles as he flips himself upside down in the deeper water and spins, his legs doing something elegant above the surface.

How the hell did he talk me into this?

I tip my head back to look at the sky. It's a lot nicer when you aren't crashing through it.

I feel something grab onto my leg and scream again before Laff pops his head above the surface.

"You fucking water gremlin!"

"Non, I am an aquatic goddess."

I fall back a bit but am able to keep myself standing as my boyfriend hops into my arms, a dorky smile on his face as his hair drips on the two of us.

"How was that Herc? Everything you dreamed?"

"That was all of my nightmares rolled into one never ending pit of terror."

"So..."

"So yes, just like my dreams. Never again."

He gives a nod, bringing me back to float in his arms even though I could probably sit over here. Laff flashes a quick and mischievous smile as I relax a little into him.

"Not even once more?"

"No!"

"Alright, mon fleur. Never again then."

I stand at the edge of the bridge.

Why is it that when something terrible happens, it always has to be here?

The railing is the only thing between me and the fall. Me and the water.

Me and Laff.

It's hot as hell and the long sleeves aren't helping, but it's not like I really have a choice anymore. Without Laff I've lost myself and my means of coping aren't great, in fact they're absolute shit, so hoodies and pants are all I can wear.

I know what he would say if he were here. He'd tell me to stay strong. Forget about him and move on. Find someone else.

But he's not here.

All I want is to have him back, whichever realm it be in is unimportant right now.

I just sit there, staring into the waves. 

That's it. 

That's the way to him.

And it's just on the other side of these bars.

I awkwardly pop myself up and down, the cool metal underneath my hands. Think about letting go, hopping over nice and quick. Brief moment of falling. A few harsher one's down below, that's all it'll take. 

But then I see the bottle on the bridge. Laff breaking down in my arms. Him pissed at himself for failing to save a life yet again, pissed at me for ending up here.

I can't do it.

The kids. John. Hugh. The Washington's. Alex.

I can't bring myself over railing.

Backing away from the edge, I feel tears start to run down my face. There's no shaking, no noise. Just tears flowing as I sit down on the bench.

I hate this bench.

First it's Laff and I without John. Now it's me without anyone.

I don't know why I thought I could do it.

I can't tell if he'd be proud of me or not anymore. I'm sure he's disappointed in me.

I sure am.

"Is this thing on?"

"Herc! You're tipping it the wrong way."

Camcorder readjustment, Laff and I coming into view. Him smiling as he waves to the camera.

"This is Laff!"

"And Herc!"

"And we're going to be doing a house tour! This is the bedroom. It has a bed. Next!"

Laff running out of the room as I follow, pulling him back to our room.

"Laff, this tour is going to last two minutes at this rate."

"That's okay, mon amour!"

"LAFF! WHERE'D YA PUT THE CHIPS?"

Camera pans to Johnathon, who's stuck his legs in his hoodie sleeves and is 'walking' like a crackpot gremlin towards us.

"This is our beautiful son! Say hi Johnathon!"

"Hi Johnathon."

John speaking, bag of chips now  grasped between his teeth, before the camera pans back to us.

"The tour, Laff!"

"Right! These are the curtains, imported all the way from China!"

"They're from Walmart."

"The vanity, fine mahogany with cedar undertones."

He hops onto the desk, and I yank him back off as it creaks under him.

I don't trust Johns IKEA abilities.

"Babe, that's not how wood works."

"I say it is and I'm always right, so everyone appreciate our cedar-hogany desk!"

"You aren't always right!"

"Oh yeah? Name one time I was wrong and got us into trouble mon ami!"

"State fair, fifth grade science fair, Schuyler's Halloween party, our prom, the hotdog stand incident, Peggy's prom, eight grade grad, the club, band concert numbers 1, 6, and 12-"

I list the instances off on my fingers as he rolls his eyes at me. 

But he still smiles.

"I don't think the tuba ever did fully recover from that last one."

"No, I really doubt it."

Laff giggling as I pull him against my shoulder, wrapping him in a tight squeeze.

"Back to the tour, Laff!"

"Okay, okay! And the bed, most important piece of furniture because that's where Herc and I are going to lose our Virgin-cards!"

My turn to laugh as my boyfriend hops on the bed, posing like the sexy French girl he is before I pull him back to his feet. 

I have to let out a small squeak as he winks at me.

"Laff. Calm down a bit, babe. We still gotta get married."

"Then propose, silly!"

"Laff-"

"Anyways, that's our bedroom tour. Bye, mon amis!"

"Bye- woah!"

The screen freezing as I'm knocked over, Laff on top of me as we fall on the bed. Home.

I twirl my wedding band around my finger. I don't take it off.

I'm never taking it off.

Because I married Lafayette. 

Twice. 

And he's the only one who I'll ever love.

He'd tell me to get out there. Go find someone. But I can't.

Because I still love him. Still want him. Only him.

I tried once. Ended up with a guy who had the wrong accent, the wrong height, ate out instead of cooking himself, thought skirts were gross and couldn't snuggle me properly like I wanted. It was all just wrong and I haven't even thought of trying since. 

I do the minimum. I care for the kids during the day, finding temporary relief as we all laugh together. I do work. I cook. I focus on anything I can that's not Laff. I intend to be the best dad I can, because these kids still need a father figure.

And don't get me wrong, I love the kids. Right now they're the best thing in my life. 

But at night, when I'm alone?

He's all I think about.

Everyone's lives have moved on, occasional stops or tears being it. Mourn him on days like today, our anniversary, or his birthday. But that's it.

It's been five years, after all.

Alex and John have moved on. 

They've gotten married. 

Alex working on some new musical he believes to be 'positively genius, Herc!' Some weird rap thing about Oliver and Johns favorite actors. He swears it's going to be a hit on Broadway soon.

 Once he works out the kinks.

Laff would've thought it was stupid, but enjoyed it anyways. He'd be good in a musical.

John is still a teacher, somehow, and back with off and on medication. That first year without Laff was particularly rough for him. But he's still been able to move on.

Thomas and James have moved on. 

Also married, currently fostering another child. 

Thomas is still absolutely livid and has been continuing some of Laff's work with Adrienne's help, building up off the platform Laff had made. Says as the doppelgänger it's like fate, an honor he carries greatly.

James was able to get back to full time at the hospital, saving lives. Losing lives. Can always tell which happened more based on the look in his eyes at the end of the day but he swears that every life he saves is worth working through any he can't.

Mr. Fayette has moved on. 

Laff was all he had. His only real family. Heart attack took him four months after his son.

The Schuyler's have moved on. 

Laff never got the chance to be best man or woman at Peggy's wedding. Jordan had to take what Laff was sure would be his place as best person.

Maria and Eliza started a safe shelter for women and kids. The two of them are happy to be making a difference together. I'm happy for them too.

Angelica has moved to England, rarely seen by any of us. But she never really did have a strong bond with him anyways, not like the rest of us. Can't say I was very close to her either.

George and Martha moved on. 

Retired and live at the lake all summer. They take care of the kids one night a week, spending as much time as they can together. They need it. All of them.

Aaron has moved on. 

Works at a summer camp. Never thought he was one for kids but Adrienne changed his mind, and the kids adore him. It's a great place and I'm glad he's happy.

Adrienne has moved on.

Found the man of her dreams and moved in with him. Not the way I'd think to describe Burr, as a dream boat, but she loves him. And she finally got to ditch Napoleon and his shitty tendencies, running a Girl Scout troop when the summer camp is closed and the female cabins when it isn't.

Hugh has moved on.

He's a leader at the church, offering a special service for the LGBTQ+ community. I made myself go to see him once, and it was alright. 

Still church, but it's the church I wish I had as a kid.

The rest of the Mulligans never had to move on. 

They couldn't care less, although I did receive a lovely card awhile back from Sarah detailing everything that should be happening to my husband in hell. 

Madison has moved on. 

Still living at home as they attend college. They're going to be a lawyer, prioritizing family court and adoption shit. I'm proud of them too. Them and their boyfriends, George working at an old folks home and Samuel working his way up the medical field as well. Going to be a surgeon. 

Usnavi has moved on. 

Top grade student. Helps out in the theatre department, landing himself the roll of Gavroche in this years middle school drama. Moved on from kazoo to the trombone and is a band member.

Anne has moved on. 

Mother has gotten a few visits in but ultimately just isn't ready to be a parent. And Anne is your typical make-up curious girl scout who sings off-key karaoke and does cheer. She's still a little clingy with me, but I don't mind. It's nice having someone hold you and love you. 

You never know when those days will stop.

Alejandro has moved on. 

His sentence was served, and he's free. Plays for team France in football, as in the white ball with hexagons or pentagons or whatever shape those segments are. Biggest concerns now grass stains and red cards.

That's Laff's rapist. 

He gets to be famous for all the wrong things.

Alejandro has another chance at life. He's free to live, to enjoy the rest of his existence. 

While my husband is gone.

Literally everyone else has moved on. Stopped dwelling and pressed ahead with there lives.

So why can't I move on?

I took up the offer from Adrienne and work alongside her and Thomas but it just isn't the same. Tried cooking but that ended when I set a grease fire and had to put it out myself, as opposed to getting baking soda thrown in the pan and then in my face like Laff used to. His side of the bed stays unused and his dresser stays full, save for the shirts I steal when I need to.

I look for Laff anywhere I can, keep him around any way I can, scared to let him go.

It's not time to let go yet.

But he's slipping from me.

He always has been.

It's getting to the point where I can't remember what it was like to share a bed. To wake up each morning with a kiss and an 'I love you'. To run my fingers through his hair as he clings to me.

And once these feelings fade, I know I'll never get them back.

Here I was. Sitting alone, picking at a sandwich, feeling sorry for myself. Tired and broken and too shy to approach anyone else. King of the losers, owner of the reject table. Everyone else had friends and cults- I mean groups- and pairs but I was just-

"Bonjour, mon ami!"

Oh. Oh my.

Suddenly my day just got a whole lot better.

I'm thinking it's a prank. But there's two of them, one bouncing on his toes, the other fidgeting awkwardly, and regardless it's better to play it off cool.

"Hey! I'm Hercules, but you can just call me Herc."

Wow. Give him your own fucking nickname instead of letting him pick it himself. Real classy, great job, couldn't be smoother.

John is speaking, nothing of real use but names. And it turns out the tall ass beanpole who is buff enough for a teenager's name is Lafayette, a name that I will brutally murder if I try and say it myself so I just nod. Give myself one more chance to act normal.

"What brings you two to the reject table?" 

Normal enough. But then I make the mistake of looking Lafayette up and down like a lil horndog, coughing a bit as he simply cocks his head and raises an eyebrow.

"You don't look like you belong here." 

Herc, ya dumb fuck.

It's okay, I can save this. I can fix this mess of a flirt attempt.

And then I fucking wink. 

Why am I like this?

Lafayette just giggles. Hops down to sit on top of the table, smiling at me fondly as my entire face heats up until I'm sure I look like Bob the Tomato. Can't help but fall for him a little harder each second.

"...don't think he understands much English."

oH THANK THE LORD-

The rest of lunch is a blur. As is gym where I spend the whole time sacrificing myself for Laff when he needs, which is rare, or watching him in awe. I mean he just kinda floats and prances around like a little goddess, who the fuck gave him the right to be this graceful? But once it's the end of the day, that's when shit gets good.

The two of us are chilling on the bench. Laff, who when he said loved the nickname left me feeling as good as if he said he loved me, restless as he quite literally flips out of his seat.

"The bell rang a whole five minutes ago, I do not understand why father is not here!"

"Yeah- yeah I have no idea where my parents are either."

Bullshit, they just don't want to be seen with me nor do they want to waste the gas. Even though they still come to get Hugh. But me? I'm expected to walk and if I'm not in on time, I don't get in at all.

Besides, Laff is worth one night outside, in fact, he's worth a week outside. And I'm tired of just being the sad boi and would prefer just listening to him.

"You know, your English sure got a whole lot better in the last two hours."

"Oh, oui. I have found that the less I pretend to know, the better idea I can get of how people are. It tells a lot, the way they treat someone helpless. I've been here like half a year already, I should hope I know what I'm doing. I just never forgot my France- I loved it there. What about you mon amour, where are you from?"

Hold up- MON AMOUR- Herc you don't speak French you're probably translating this wrong don't turn into a gay crisis now.

"Nothing special. Came from Ireland as a child, don't remember much. Nothing in my life is as cool as you."

"You are a little flirt- that's okay, I'm hot enough to warrant it. If I were you, I'd flirt with me too. You have good taste."

"Wow my dude you have like- no filter, do you?"

"Nope! Now come on, that is my fathers Jeep. Come see me off?"

"Of course."

I end up racing after him as he darts off. Can barely keep up as he does a front walkover and a front flip just to show off. Though, who he's showing off to I'm not sure, because I'm the only one around. 

Nonetheless, we make it to the car. Which is when I have a minor stroke, freaking out inside and bowing when met face-to-face with Mr. Washington.

"Sir! Hi! I didn't know you-"

"Good afternoon papa c'est Hercule et il viendra rester avec nous ce soir et probablement pour toujours il est mon meilleur ami jusqu'à ce que je reçois une bague et probablement proposer ou laissez-le me proposer je crois que nous sommes des âmes sœurs, il est parfait, s'il vous plaît l'aimer."

Hey so what the fuck-

"Gilbert calm the fuck down we can't just go kidnapping kids. Your parents know you're here, son?"

"Uh- no, sir. But they really don't care- like, in the slightest. I doubt they'd want me home right now anyways."

"Voir père ils ne veulent pas ou comme lui, pas comme moi, donc Herc est à moi maintenant. Je le garde que vous le souhaitiez ou non. Je peux le nourrir et le promener et le laisser dormir dans ma chambre et..."

"Ce n'est pas un chien- Putain, tu es trop pour t'occuper de certains jours."

"Si vous voulez me jeter, vous pouvez le faire, vous savez. Pas comme si cela ne s'était jamais produit auparavant."

"Je ne voulais pas dire que c'était comme ça Gil. Maintenant, allez, je t'aime."

"Je taime papa."

No idea what went down but next thing I know I'm being hauled into the backseat. Yanked over to sit beside Laff, internally freaking out as his hands come to cup my face and run along my cheekbones and brush over my lips, all of it just making me panic.

"You have a pretty face. I have decided that this is my favorite face now, I can not wait to wake up to it every morning."

"I'm sorry what the-"

"Boundaries Gilbert! I do apologize for my son Hercules, he means well. He just has no idea when enough is enough."

"Oh come on George, you love me too much to be mad. Don't you?"

"Of course. You're still a little shit sometimes though, and you know it."

"Oh oui, I do. But you're also the only male role model in my life right now, and I have to get it from somewhere. Vous mangue chauve."

Their banter throws me off to be honest. Don't know what to make of it, it's strange but they both seem happy. And with Laff's arm now around my waist, I am too. 

The house isn't much different. Am met with Martha, a kind old woman who acts like I haven't been fed properly in a week and all but forces cookies into my hands but is absolutely pleasant and is almost enough to make me start crying when she hugs me. And then George ruffles my hair in the same way he does to Laff and sends us to go to his sons room where we talk for hours and hours and eat a pizza where I pass Laff the jalapeños and he passes me the olives. 

It finally feels like family. A real, functional, loving family.

It's late when we finally get to bed. But when we do I get to fall asleep with a kiss to each cheek and Laff's arm around my waist, the other hand in my hair. Close and comforting and soft, enough to reinstate the gay panic.

It's funny. I just went through hell trying to be cured. Fixed. Wantable. And guess what Sarah, it didn't work.

But as I scoot in closer and breathe in the scent of the hoodie he lent me, I'm starting to wonder how anyone could pass up this kind of love. And what's so wrong with it in the first place.

I wake up today feeling like shit.

Not like I haven't for the past 7 years, but this is different.

There's no one to wake me up anymore. No one to jump on my chest and slap my face with a pillow. No one to kiss me and tell me it's all going to be okay.

Because I'm still single and still not ready to mingle.

I crawl out of bed and head to look for my phone. The room is hazy, a light fog settling over everything. I head back to the bed and sit down, rubbing my temples as I rest a minute.

Phone buzzes somewhere to my left. I can't see well enough to grab it. Don't care to anymore either.

I just flop back down onto the bed, completely drained despite just waking up.

The door bangs open, and I hear a scream. 

I can't see, the room practically all white by now.

But there's something other than the haze. Other than the screaming that I wish would go away. Other than the pinging phone that I wish would stop.

There's a whisper.

 And I tear up at the sound of it.

"Herc?"

"Laff?"

It's him. 

I know it's him, the way the 'r' rolls slightly as he calls to me.

"Laff! Laff, please where are you?"

I feel my face grow wet, the tears falling, as I look for the source of his voice. He's here! Finally, he's here with me. 

But where?

"Please Laff. Don't leave me again. I can't do it anymore. Not without you."

I feel someone holding me. Shaking me. I can't see who. But I need to find Laff, that matters more.

"Please don't do this to me. Don't let me hear you just to vanish again."

"Mon fleur, I've got you. You're okay."

I finally see him, smiling down at me from across the room. He's beautiful, same as always, a shimmering gown reaching his ankles. A soft glow emitting from him, the air surrounding him seeming to sparkle as well. 

I knew he was an angel from the day I met him.

Because if there is a God up there, Laff would be his finest creation. A gift from the heavens and he's finally back with me.

I try to get up. But I can't.

I can't reach him.

"Please stay with me. I love you. I need you."

"You never did let me go."

"I couldn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry babe, I disappointed you."

"Shh, my love. No time for apologies now. You could never disappoint me, ever. "

He walks over, and I laugh as he caresses my face. I've missed that smile. That look in his eyes.

I just wish whoever is shaking me would stop.

"Take me with you."

"Herc. You have so much left to do here. You can live so much longer. The kids-"

"I don't want to. I can't see you now and go back Laff! I need to stay with you. I'm sorry. But I've done it alone for so long, and I'm ready to give up."

"Then come. Come with me honey. Let me take care of you again."

"I want to. But I can't get up. I can't move. I don't like this. Make it stop, please make it stop. I'm done. I don't care anymore I just want you."

"I'm right here. I'm not leaving you baby, I never did. Don't worry about that."

Whoever was shaking me finally stops, and I let out a sigh as I feel someone gripping me tighter. There's a weight on my chest, pounding, and it honestly kinda hurts. 

Like when you've been numbed and it's starting to wear off but then you bite your cheek to hard or hit your arm on a table. Dull and not quite reaching it's full potential, but still painful and it leaves you sore as fuck.

"Laff? What's-"

"It'll pass."

He lies beside me, and I giggle as he intertwines our fingers. Block out everything else, so long as he's here I can manage.

"I love you Laff! I promised to love you to the end of my life, and I did! I did it babe, I kept my promise to you! And now I have you back with me!"

"You really never did love anyone else."

I ignore the sadness in his voice and cling to him tighter. Cling to him for dear life.

"Nope! Just you and always you! Just the way I like it. No one but my Laff, that's all I've ever needed and all I've ever wanted. You're the only one I love. And now I finally got what I wanted. Finally got you back."

I feel myself giddy with excitement as I'm able to sit up. The fog starts to lift and I scramble into his arms as fast as I can manage. My face fits in the crook of his neck nicely just like it always used to, his hands coming up to rub circles into my back. Comfortable. Safe. My nails are probably gigging into his shoulder but he doesn't seem to mind or notice. Just kisses along my forehead before sighing softly and looking past me.

"Dad? Dad, please? Wake up! You need to wake up! I love you dad, but you gotta wake up!"

Madison is sitting on the bed where I was, where I still technically am, shaking. Holding me. Pressing their hands to my chest, over and over. Feels weird to see and Laff can obviously tell, shielding my eyes as he tucks me back into his neck where it's safe.

"Doesn't get any easier. Watching. I can tell you that- the way you broke down over me baby. Fuck did that hurt. And you can't do anything about it from here. So I don't think you should stay here if you don't have to I-"

"No! No, I'm not going back there. Not without you. It's not worth living a life without you. Don't think I could and I definitely don't want to."

"Are you sure about this Herc? I mean there's a chance, right? It didn't work for me but maybe you could- don't have to- The kids. The kids and Hugh and the Washington's. I would've stayed if I could and if you want to live any longer you gotta decide that fast, if there even is a chance left. There's so much at stake here- Just be sure this is what you want baby."

I take a quick glance between my options.

I can stay with Laff forever.

Or I can try and go back.

Could I really orphan our three children? Again? Ditch everything else in the world including our kids just for Laff?

"Yes."

They have the Washington's. They have the Hamilton's. The Schuyler's and Hugh. Even the JeffMad's will pitch in, with good intentions.

But I have my husband beside me again.

And I can't let him go.

I'm being selfish, leaving everyone behind, but I've wanted Laff more than anything for years.

I can't just let him leave.

He gives me a small smile as I stand up, resting my head on his shoulder so he can peck my cheek for the first time in seven years. The yelling behind me drowns out as I cling onto my husband.

Later they'd say I died of heartbreak. That it was a wonder I lasted this long, the stress on my heart was too much. Those who knew me would say that in reality, I died the moment I lost my other half. But that doesn't matter to me now, because I'm finally complete again. Have the one thing I was always missing.

I tip my head up to face Laff, tiptoeing to plant a kiss on his lips. His hands rest on my waist, lifting me up a bit so we're even. I pull back and laugh like a dork as he gives me a little spin, and I bury my hands in his hair.

I really missed this feeling.

"Love you Laffy. I'm so excited to not have to wait anymore. To see you and be yours again."

"I love you too, mon amour. And I've been waiting for you as well. And you never stopped being mine."

I really missed him.

The end.