-Laff POV-

Well. I wasn't at all expecting what was in the box from my father.

"Dear duck Laff. Please put that down, you could seriously hurt someone with that shiz."

"Hercules. That's- that's kinda the point of it. It feels very nice to hold. Powerful. Don't be so jealous. Here, would you like to touch my lengthily luxurious sword?"

There's a soft snort from the corner as I toss the blade somewhat fluently from one hand to the other and offer it to Herc, who just shakes his head and shifts away. His loss, it's a very nice sword. 

"I wanna play with your sword daddy!"

Well.

I end up sheathing it before passing it to Anne, giggling as she teeters and falls under the weight. Try to keep my composure as I take it back, just to break into a smile and take it out to fool around a bit more. 

"See Hercules? It's beautiful. Shiny. Merci mon père."

I end up actually putting it away this time and sitting down because I'm honestly kinda tired.

But fuck do I love Christmas.

My father has been pulled to my lap, my head resting on his shoulder while Herc rests on mine. Usnavi and Anne are fighting for Adrienne's attention, we all gave up on convincing them there was anything better than harassing the new person, so they're sitting in her lap as she ruffles up their hair. Mads is in the kitchen, and we have been informed she is definitely not stealing cookies.

"I don't think I can remember the last time I felt like this, Gil."

I just nod, my father turning around to give me a smile.

And then breaking down.

I thought it was out of character for him to be laughing, but now he's sobbing as I turn him so he can rest against my chest. Full on ugly crying, nails digging into where he clings to me, body shaking, a sniffling mess in my arms.

I carry him to the bedroom, planting a soft kiss to his forehead as I rub my hands along his back between gentle squeezes as he shakes.

"Mon père, it's okay. You're okay dad. What's wrong?"

My father pulls away from me, backing himself into the headboard and curling up for a minute before he looks back to me with a dazed look in his eyes.

"Je viens d'être seul depuis si longtemps et je sais que c'est de ma faute et je suis stupide mais tu m'as tellement manqué et - et je ne sais pas la dernière fois que quelqu'un m'a jamais tenu et m'a dit que tout allait bien se passer. Je ne pense pas avoir jamais fait ça pour toi non plus."

"Sir-"

"Je suis tellement désolé Gil, tu dois me détester-"

"Christophe, what the fuck? Snap out of it! The hell Is going on with you right now dad? I don't hate you. I love you and I need you so don't talk like that. It's all fine, past is past so focus on now."

"I'm a terrible person. Terrible father. I've hurt so many people Gil, including you, and I hate myself for it every day."

"Shh. I don't know what you want here dad. I don't hate you, never have, never could, never will. I don't know where you got that idea, what made you think that. There's no reason to cry dad, you're here again and so am I and there's nothing I'd rather have."

"Gil, please, listen. Maybe it was a bad idea ever reentering your life."

"D-dad?"

"I mean. You were perfectly happy without me. Never needed me. Maybe it'd be better if I left again, let you all go back to your lives."

Something in me snaps right then. 

Seeing my father broken down like this, not listening himself, practically past comprehension, it all gets to me in a way I can't explain. It breaks me seeing him like this because I was more than used to our roles being reversed as a kid where so many variations of the same damn phrase was the only advice given.

"You think I didn't need you? I needed you every damn day. Wanted you to stop ignoring me and tell me what the fuck I had done to piss you off to the point you kicked me from your life so that I could maybe have some form of closure or reasoning. I always needed you, I just never got to have you." 

"But-"

"Stop! Just Stop! Man up! Dammit just fucking- man up and stop crying!"

He looks pretty surprised with the quick slap I've brought across his face.

Honestly I am too. 

"Just- Man- just man up. Stop acting like a fucking girl and man up Gil."

"Did I really-"

"Yes. Yes, you said that constantly. One of the few memories I've always had the joy of keeping of you."

I clutch him back to me, hiding his face in my shoulder as he squeezes onto my wrists. Whatever clicked in there has gone and left me crying as well, wiping at my face halfheartedly because crying in front of my father still feels weird. Watch him pull back, watch his eyes drift along from my eyes and eyeliner down to my dress and heels before he's hiding again.

"I really fucked up. Didn't I?"

"Oh, in so many ways. But I turned out at the very least somewhat functional so you obviously did something right! Found myself a wonderful husband and three beautiful children. It all worked out for the best, my only regret is that you didn't get to see more of it with me."

He doesn't respond. I start to bounce him gently, running my hands along his back. Trying to get his shaking to stop. Pause to hear the soft sound of laughter trailing in from the living room. 

"See? It's fine dad. Can we just move on? Pretend none of that just happened, ever happened, pretend we haven't missed years of each other's lives, pretend you aren't jealous of George-"

"I am not jealous of George Washington."

"You are such a persuasive person. I can almost believe that bullshit."

"...Are you mad?"

He tips his head back to look at me as I smile, booping his nose gently with my finger.

"No dad. I'm not mad. I'm perfectly happy right now, you in my arms on Christmas morning. Absolutely perfect. It's- it's all I've wanted for as long as I can remember. My family Christmas."t

He clears his throat softly as he attempts to regain some sort of dignity, ultimately failing as I hold him tighter.

"You still should not be cradling me like this. I'm not a baby."

"Yes you are. I don't care how old you think you are. You are still, at your core. an absolute child. Really, we all are. But that's okay. Kids have more fun anyways. So let's go have some fun, yeah? We have like... nine Christmases to make up for today. Better make it count."

I don't know what the fuck I was expecting to come back to. But it wasn't this.

Hercules and Adrienne are struggling to form an elaborate skirt out of reused tape and tissue paper, Anne has various ribbons being stuck both to her and her hair by Usnavi, and Madison is halfway inside the couch.

"Wha-"

"If I fits I sits."

I end up dropping my dad off beside her, watching in mild fascination as he uses a square of paper to make himself a boat hat. It's a beautiful look indeed.

"Herc, honey?"

"Mhmm?"

"You busy?"

"Mhmm."

"Are you gonna 'mhmm' everything I say?"

"Mhmm."

"Can we go to Disneyworld for our late and full-family-inclusive honey moon?"

"No."

"You rat!"

"Mhmm."

I'm about done with his shit and instead scoot over to Adrienne, watching her fold little flowers and shit before she passes them off to my husband. I'm feeling ready to stop with emotional issues for five minutes and slip my hands into her hair at her nod, separating it into pieces to be folded over each other until I have a French braid sitting in front of me.

"Beautiful, darling. Absolutely stunning."

"Very funny Laff."

"What makes you think it is a joke?"

There's a soft pause before I'm tipping her chin over to look at me, the paper flower she was holding fluttering down to the floor.

"You okay love?"

"Oui, I'm fine. Just- you're you and I'm me and there's s reason we are what we are I guess. A reason I'm on my side of the camera and you're on yours."

"Hey hey hey, listen- oh merde."

I can feel my phone going off and am expecting to see some shitpost or spam from John, hoping to see some good news from the caseworker.

Instead it's Samuel.

"Adrienne, this conversation is in no way over. Mon père, careful with the kids, they don't de well with sugar or excitement. Herc, one of my boys is in trouble. I'll be right back "

"Wha-"

"He asked if he could come over for a bit, and I know it's earlier than we planned but parents- well, you would know. He just needs somewhere, just for awhile-"

"Hey it's okay. Just remember what I said Laff."

"Stay on the right side of the road?"

"No. Well, yes. But no. I meant, that sword could seriously hurt someone."

"Herc, I'm starting to realize I don't tell you I love you enough."

-credit for this next bit here has to go to @Royal_Sweetheart / @Daily-Froozen-ScOot,  thank you for letting me use this wonderful idea-

-Herc POV-

Laff is off on his rescue mission and I've been left to hold down the fort. People are slowly arriving as the activity from the morning dies down, leaving me awkwardly shifting around form group to group as I try to meet with everyone. Laff is supposed to be the hostess here, and I'm just glad it's still fairly empty.

The chaos level is still rather high though.

I dangle the mistletoe over Thomas, who's wearing... fox? Dog? Ears of some sort that no one has cared to ask about,  gently nudging a box full of ferrets in his direction and laughing as he backs away just to bump into a table and fall on his ass.

"Tommy, look! Someone wants a kiss kiss!"

"Fuck off Herc."

"I think one of the ferrets would rather fuck you instead!"

"Woah woah woah, back up!"

Alex pushes between us, being the nosy ass he is he needs to contribute.

Fine by me.

"Why is Thomas fucking the ferrets? Like, damn Jeffy, that's pretty low. Even for you. So desperate to dom something you turned to something with equal attractiveness of yourself and fucked a long furry snake. Though, especially right now, the resemblance is uncanny-"

"Shut. Up." 

"Alex. It was hilarious. Thomas here thought ferrets had belly buttons and uh- they had a special kind of connection."

"Wait. You mean to say, Thomas actually-"

"Kissed the ferret... ass."

"Dear lord that's amazing."

Alex lets out a snort as Thomas glares at us, his face turning red as a ferret attempts to scale his leg.

"That's right baby, you go to daddy and ask him for a kiss. Bet Tommy'll be real kind, might even let you pull his hair! That ferret is one lucky bitch in that case, huh Tommy? Because we ALL know-"

"Alex, I am going to shove Herc's fishing rod so far up your ass-"

"KiNkY!"

I have to hold back Thomas as Alex sticks out his tongue, but Tom isn't the one I should have been worried about. 

James the pyscho boyfriend has been alerted by Thomas's anger level slowly increasing, and Alex is on the ground sooner than you can say 'no'. 

This alerts John, who, detecting his boyfriend's distress, shows up with a plate of cookies and is offering very helpful tips on how to dodge punches. Such as 'ball up like your favourite Pokémon. Which better be squirtle' and 'I've heard if you play dead sometimes the larger, most vicious and more deadly animals of the kingdom will leave you alone!'

"Johnathon, one more fucking tip and I'll- oh, oh fuck. T-Thomas he's got my throat. Please-"

"Jemmy baby save that for tonight."

It's funny, really. We're all past giving a fuck. Both in regards as to whatever the fresh fuck happens to come out of Thomas's mouth at any given moment and the fact that we're witnessing a level one assault.

So I just settle myself beside John as he shovels somewhere around three cookies into his mouth before finally looking at me, holding up the plate. Our plate. As in Laff's plate. As in Laff's plate stolen from the back of the second shelf where I've been sneaking my fair share from for the week.

He stole my stash.

"What did my dumb ass Alex do this time?"

"He made fun of Thomas for kissing the ferrets, uh, 'belly button'."

"...why would he make fun of him for that? It's adorable. See?"

"John, no-"

It's too late, he's removed one from the box and given it a kiss. And another. And- oh fuck John.

Ladies and gentlemen, the provider of my daughters education.

"James, get off Alex."

"He made fun of my Tommy baby. I will not get off until he's learned his lesson about messing with my boo."

I end up pushing James off myself as he lets out some weird sound between a hiss and a growl, forcing him into Thomas who now has to calm him down as I end up pulling Alex to reunite  with John.

"Look, John came all this way to see you. How kind. Now kiss."

Of course Alex being the person he is is excited by that mention, his mouth on John's right away. For someone who thinks he's that smart he really is no more than a horny dumbass at heart. I just laugh, Thomas and James looking at me like I'm the psychopath here.

"Alex, you're boyfriend just kissed the ferret. Rather like Jefferson did. And now you kissed him. How do you feel about that?"

"John, you What?"

"Kissed a ferret. Cookie?"

There's this awkward moment where Alex touches his mouth, and then John's, maintaining eye contact with the ferret all throughout.

"Alex?"

"I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory-"

"THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED, BITCHES!"

Without hearing the actual voice, I'd expect it to be Laff. 

Instead it's fucking Washington. Martha in one hand with a bag, and a stupid smile on his face. The four guys are left to settle... whatever the fuck was happening as I hustle to the door. Martha is dropped quickly by Washington so that I replace the spot in his arms, leaving me squished somewhat awkwardly against George.

"Hercules! Hercules I'm so fucking happy to see you! Martha look! Martha it's my son! My legal son, ahaha I have gained another, and it's our first Christmas as such! Not that you weren't always my son, because you were whether you wanted to be or not. Anyways, merry Christmas! Son!"

"Uh- hi? Merry Christmas?"

"Oh heavens George, we need a photo! Fast! You, kind lad, be a dear and take one okay? Okay. Thank you."

 Aaron chuckles softly as the phone is pressed into his hand, leaving me dying inside as I awkwardly thumbs-up into the camera and pretend I'm fine.

"Washing...dad. Shouldn't we wait for Marie?"

"Huh?"

"Your actual child. Dear fuck- you have a daughter-son-Yes child George. And- oh no."

There's a soft laugh from somewhere and I don't think, just scoot myself back into a corner just in time to see the door bang open and Laff jump through.

"THE FUN ONE IS BACK AND ITS PARTY TIME YOU BI- Oh! Dad- h-hi!"

"...THATS MY BOY!"

"Hercules. Wines in the bag, should last you the night. Consider it compensation for any mental, physical, and emotional distress my husband may cause to you or your possessions."

Samuel has been dragged in by Laff, one groups volume momentarily decreasing as the small boy clings onto my husband's neck. One look from Laff tells me to leave it and though I'm tempted to try and help anyways I just take the back from Martha and usher us out.

"You better have a glass too. Keep at least a shred of sanity here."

"Hercules. I practically raised you two boys, as well as hosting heavens knows how many of your parties. I don't need wine anymore."

"Wait. You aren't going to have-"

"Now I never said that! I have three flasks of vodka in my bag sugar, I know what I'm doing here."

So Martha is left to the kitchen, Washington has... well fuck, he's with Mr. Fayette. This will go great. The boys are still doing some crack shit and John looks as though he's being sacrificed, but I believe those typically call for a virgin and I can personally guarantee that was lost sometime during his living period at our house. The kids are still harassing poor Adrienne, though she does seem to be enjoying it.

So I slip off to the bedroom, far from surprised to see Laff on the bed with Samuel cradled against him.

"We doing okay in here?"

"Oh, not at all. Come join!"

I'm unsure whether to hold Laff or Samuel, settling for an odd mixture between the two that allows the two of them to keep their hands free as I sit down and rest my back against the pillows. Laff simply motions towards the phone quickly, shooting me a text out of Samuels view.

SexyBaguette: he tried to come out Herc.

MyLittlePonyIsAGoodAnime: well fukkkkk

SexyBaguette: Yeah... is it better to murder the parents and adopt the child or simply kidnap the child?

SexyBaguette: I wish it could be that easy. Look at him Herc, he's just a baby. He deserves better and so did you.

MyLittlePonyIsAGoodAnime: I'm fine. Priorities here Marie. The kids

SexyBaguette: I'm sorry I'm just worried and I want today to go well, have our perfect family Christmas, but it keeps going wrong and I don't know how to fix it. Anne's mom won't be here after all and now Sam-I'm not sure. But my dad is upset and wants to leave me again and I can't do this. Can't do this but I can't disappoint

MyLittlePonyIsAGoodAnime: You can't have all the answers hon. And our family is a long way from perfect, it's messy broken and more than somewhat traumatized when you count everyone. You having everyone here is more than enough. We all know how much work you've put into this and I couldn't have asked for a better wife to share this all with. Doing so well love.

There's a soft pause as the boy between us shuffles, Laff wiping at her face as Sam shifts and buries himself in my chest instead. He attempts to sign something but Laff stops it and shuffles closer, intertwining her hand with one of mine.

"Don't be sorry Sam, okay darling? We're going to figure this out in a perfectly sensible, mostly legal matter, and we'll figure out what's best for you. You'll be welcome here no matter what."

"We've made it through some shit. And we're going to help you do the same buddy, okay?"

A soft sniffle, followed by a nod, followed by a slightly tighter squeeze comes from Samuel. Laff and I just look at each other and simultaneously nod.

"It's safe here."