Eirene

TRUST.

Iyon ang sinabi ni Cashmere na gawin ko pero hindi ko alam kung paano gagawin. Cashmere still here in Baltimore, taking the longest vacation he ever had in his life. Since Christmas eve up to date, we're meeting up somewhere near my household. Ngayon lang wala o hindi ko lang sure dahil baka mamaya nandyan na siya sa labas at kumakatok.

“Mara, what did I tell you about the toys you aren't playing?” tanong ko sa aking anak saka pinulot ang laruan niyang nakakalat sa sahig.

“Mama, I'm playing with that toys,” bumagsak ang balikat ko nang marinig sagot ni Mara. “They're my patients.” Napatingin ako sa mga laruan na pinulot ko at napansin na may mga benda nga iyon. Akala ko nagkakalat lang siya dahil nakita niya na marami kami ulit tissue. I didn't know that she already change her dream profession. “Aren't we going to fetch Mama Lola at the airport?”

“We will but I'm not yet done cleaning oir house.”

“I'll clean up too but can I have my patients back?” Dahan-dahan ko inabot sa kanya ang mga laruan na pinulot ko kanina. “Thank you, Mama.”

“You're welcome and I'm sorry.”

“It's okay, Mama. I love you!” Niyakap ako ni Mara at pinayuko para mahalikan niya ang aking pisngi. Napaka-sweet talaga ng anak ko kahit na kailan. Sa kanya lang, naaalis na ang pagod ko sa trabaho at stress sa sitwasyon namin ng tatay niya. “I'll pick up the toys now!”

“Okay...”

Napatingin ako sa pintuan nang marinig ang doorbell. Baka si Cashmere na iyong dumating. Ewan ko ba bakit excited ako lagi na makita siya gayong wala pang reconciliation na nagaganap sa pagitan namin. Given the fact that instead we talk, we choose to devour each other in bed.

Sabi ko ayoko na balikan iyong dati pero parang iyon na naman ang nangyayari ngayon. I hope and pray that it's not just about sex this time. Hindi naman siya bibiyahe ng malayo at kikitain ako matapos ang pitong taon para lang maka-sex ako.

Sana hindi nga gano'n. Sana may iba ng dahilan bilang patotoo sa sinabi niyang kakalabanin na niya si Miss Bia kung sakaling tumutol basta pagkatiwalaan ko lamang siya. Hindi ko pa rin magawang sumugal kasi ang dami ko pang tanong.

Nang muling tumunog ang doorbell, doon na ako tumayo ng tuluyan at iniwan si Mara na naglalaro. Agad ko binukas ang pintuan na hindi na tumitingin sa peep hole.

“Claudia? Hey, what are you doing here?” tanong ko saka niyakap siya at nakipag-beso-beso pa.

“Can I talk to you? Are you busy?” Sunod-sunod niyang tanong sa akin pabalik.

“S-sure. It's cold there so, come on in.” Napatingin ako sa gate at nakita si Cashmere na papasok. Kumaway ako at gano'n din siya sa akin.

“Bad timing? You have a guest today.” Claudia said,

“Uhm, no, he's Mara's guest. They have a small tea party inside.” Napatango si Claudia saka napipilitang ngumiti. Pinapasok ko siya sa loob at pinaupo sa couch. I greeted Cashmere next when he reached my house porch. “Mara is waiting for you with her patients.”

“She's a doctor now?” tanong ni Cashmere na nagpangiti sa akin na lalong lumawak ng halikan niya aking noo. “I'll bring the kid upstairs then,” he said when he saw Claudia in the living room.

“Thank you.” Muli niya ako hinalikan sa noo bago nilapitan si Mara na bumati naman agad dito at yumakap. Kumaway lang ang anak ko kay Claudia bago tuluyang sumama kay Cashmere paakyat sa second floor nitong bahay ko. “Do you want something to drink? I'm still cleaning the whole house for New Year so apologies on the mess around.”

“It's okay and no need for drinks, Eirene. This will be quick.”

“O-okay. Fire away now,” naupo ako ilang espasyo ang layo mula sa kinauupuan ni Claudia. Halatang-halata ko sa mukha niya ang stress at na may halong frustration.

“It's about Riggs. I think he's having second thoughts about our relationship and it's because of you.”

“Me?” Hindi ko makapaniwala na sambit. “W-what do you mean?”

“Since you reunited with the love of your life, he changed. He suddenly asking what if you re-married and bring Mara to London with you. It's like he doesn't want to loose you bothe and he's not asking me to marry him!” That shocked me... a bit. But when Claudia started crying, I find it OA. “I know that the love he has for you has gone but with the presence of your lover here, he's acting like the Riggs that I don't even know.”

My bad. I invalidate her feelings a minute ago. Naiintindihan ko kung saan siya nanggagaling pero masyadong advance mag-isip si Riggs at lalo na itong si Claudia. Nasa re-marriage ko na sila agad samantalang kami ni Cashmere ay pinupunan pa ang mga nasayang na panahon sa pagitan namin.

“Riggs loves you, Claudia. He wouldn't risked big time if he isn't. We're still married when we met and that's a bold move for him. Seeing someone new while still married and that's when his love for fades away. Just wait for him to propose, hm?”

“What if he didn't propose? What if he comes back to you. Mara wants a complete family, meaning she wants you and Riggs together again.” Umiling ako. I know my child. She saw how I cried when Riggs told me about Claudia. Mara saw me hurting when Riggs decided to end our marriage and blame me for loving someone else inside our matrimonial relationship. “Are you sure about that? He postponed our trip this New Year because he's giving you a time with Mara.”

Sandali ako natigilan. Iyon pala ang dahilan kaya sinabi ni Riggs na New Year's Day na niya kukunin sa akin si Mara. Parang nagpalit lang kaming dalawa ng gathering.

“If he wanted to marry me, he should be proposing now!”

“I think he will... Soon...”

“Will you go back to London with your boyfriend?”

“He's not yet my boyfriend.”

“See? It's the reason why Riggs acting like that!” Paano ko ba papakalmahin ang babaeng ito? Ang sarap sabunutan pero dahil season of kindness and compassion ngayon, hahayaan ko na lang siya. Huminga ako nang malalim bago nagsalita.

“We're taking everything slow so Mara can process it easily. And about the London thing, I haven't told anyone that Cashmere asking me to come home with him.”

“Riggs concluded it and he doesn't want you nor Mara go far away of him.”

Minsan talaga hindi ko rin maintindihan si Riggs. Ang dami niyang kalituhan na nagdudulot ng ganitong moment kay Claudia. At ako bilang ex-wife niya ang laging naiipit gaya ngayon.

“We'll get there. We'll get all there soon. For now, I know Riggs has plans of marrying you so you don't need to worry, hm?”

“What if you marry first? I'll sponsor it so he wouldn't change his mind.” Trigger yata talaga ako sa babaeng ito. Pero ano gagawin ko? Para siyang toxic new girlfriend sa mga movie na napapanood ko.

“I won't rush into something I failed to maintain the first time, Claudia. Learn to understand that divorcees like us has a lot of reservations in every part of our bodies. We're afraid to fail again that's why we're making sure of everything.”

Natahimik si Claudia saka napayuko. The next thing I heard is her multiple sorry while hugging me. Hindi naman ako ganito ka-praning noon at halos wala nga ako pakialam dahil ang concern ko lagi ay si Mara. Naging bitter ako noon pero sa paglipas ng panahon, natutunan ko na tanggapin na may mga bagay o tao na hindi tinadhana. Pero hanggang ngayon ay hinahanap ko pa rin iyong para sa akin.

Hindi ko masabi kung si Cashmere na ba iyon o hindi pa. May takot at kawalan pa rin ng tiwala sa pagkakataon. But one thing I'm sure about, I won't settle for less again. Not again this time.

“Hey, is she all right?” tanong na pumukaw sa akin. Napapikit ako nang maramdaman ang halik ni Cashmere sa aking leeg.

“I think so. Sana naintindihan niya ang mga sinabi ko sa kanya.”

“Why you ex-husband's girlfriend venting out on you, hm?”

Dahan-dahan akong lumingon sa kanya. “I don't know. Trigger siya sa akin at sa koneksyon na meron kami ni Riggs.”

“I, too,” ani Cashmere na dahilan ng pagtigil at pagtitig ko sa kanya. “You have a kid with him and that's your connection with each other. May possibility na bumalik ka sa kanya lalo't gusto ng anak niyo ng kumpletong pamilya.”

Hinaplos ko ang mukha ni Cashmere. “Sa iba sigurong bata pero hindi si Mara. She's happy having two mommies. Gusto na nga niya ng kapatid na inuungot niya kay Riggs para daw hindi na siya mag-isa naglalaro.” Ngumiti ako at huminto sa paghaplos ng pisngi niya. “May tanong lang naman ako tungkol sa atin Cashmere.”

“What is it?”

“Are you sure about this or you're only here for sex? Did you travel miles and miles just to have sex with me? Iyon kasi ang narinig ko na sinabi mo noon kaya noong sabihin mo na mahal mo ako, hindi ako naniwala. How will I believe a man who said that what we had was plain sex to his mother and the next day he's confessing his love to me?”

“You heard it...”

“Yeah, so clear up your stance first before anything else, Cash. Because, I don't want to be hurt again. Not this time. Not again, Kien Cashmere...”