Eirene

Kulang ang salitang kinakabahan ako para ilarawan ang aking nararamdaman ngayon. Paano ba naman kasi hindi kakabahan? Pupunta lang naman ako sa bahay nina Cashmere para maki-celebrate sa kanila ng thanksgiving. I was invited by Cash so, here we are now heading to their and I brought with the plant I bought a while ago.

"Cash, sigurado ka ba talaga dito? Hindi ba ako palayasin sa bahay niyo?" Sunod-sunod ko na tanong.

"Hey, just chill, okay? I got you, so don't worry, hm?"

"Sure ka? Baka mamaya iwan mo ako sa nanay at kapatid mo." Tumawa si Cashmere ng malakas. Too loud enough to fill the car we're riding at. "Seryoso kasi! Kinakabahan ako kasi pakiramdam ko execution ko ngayong araw."

"Our extended family, so don't worry too much. I know my mother,"

"May tanong pala ako."

"Hmm?"

"Why did you invite me here?"

"Wala lang. Masama ba imbitahan ang kaibigan?" We're not friends, Cash. Gusto ko sana ipaalala sa kanya iyon dahil mukhang nakalimutan niya. "Basta chill ka lang, okay?"

"Okay, sabi mo eh," he glanced at me, then smiled mischievously.

Sinarili ko na lang ang kaba na nararamdaman ko pansamantala. Saglit lang naman iyong dinner saka hindi ko naman kailangan mag tagal. Ang tanging hiling ko lang ay maka-survive ako buong dinner. Gusto ko lumabas ng bahay nina Cashmere ng buhay.

Sana lang talaga.

Pagdating namin sa bahay nina Cashmere, sinalubong kami agad ng mga pamangkin niya. Hindi ko maiwasang mapaawang ang labi nang makita ko iyong gwapong pinsan ni Cashmere na si Jeremiah. Gwapo na siya sa picture, mas gwapo pala sa personal. At siyempre hindi nakaligtas sa paningin ko ang mga mata ni Kaliana. Lalo na iyong kay Miss Bia na sa akin lang nakatitig habang kausap niya si Cashmere.

"I thought you will celebrate with your father today," anang tinig na nagpalingon sa akin agad.

"Architect...." Nag-aalangan ako ngumiti sa tatay ni Cashmere.

"I'll get that. Bia will like this plant." Sa halip na sabi saka kinuha iyong halaman na regalo ko. Maliit lang iyon at maganda ang pagkaka-bonsai kaya binili ko agad nang makita ko. Saka bagay sa kahit anong disenyo ng bahay iyong nabili ko. "How's he?"

"He's good, but not so good? Maybe new memories will ruin his progress. That's why I chose not to rush him right away."

"Yeah, I think that too. You're very welcome here, Eirene. I already know that you have a thing with my son." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ni Architect Jaziel sa akin. Ano ba iyong napapansin nila sa amin ni Cashmere na hindi ko maintindihan? "Come on in. We cannot make the food wait."

Napipilitan ako ngumiti at sumunod sa kanya. Pinanood ko kung paano lipunin ni Architect ang pamilya niya pati na iyong maliliit na bata na nagtatakbuhan. That's lovely yet a little awkward because I felt eyes watching every move I take and make.

"Hey there, stranger, I want you to meet Svetlana. She's my niece," ani Cashmere sa akin saka winagayway ang maliit na kamay ni Svetlana. It a Russian name that means light. At sa sobrang cute ni Svetlana, literal na lumiwanag ang mundo ko. "She's 24 months old."

"Ang ganda niya. She got your eyes."

"You're mistaken, or maybe because her father is half Russian, half British. And we don't speak his name in this house."

"Why?"

"Not my story. I'm sorry." Kumindat si Cashmere pagkabulong noon sa akin saka pinasa si Svetlana. "Hold her for a while." Inirapan ko siya saka inayos ang pagkakalong kay Svetlana. Ang ganda-ganda talaga ng baby na 'to at parang gusto ko rin magkaroon ng isa pero sa susunod na. That's probably not now simply because I'm not ready yet. But I'm with this, taking care a baby who's eyes are same as Cashmere.

"Ang dami niyo pala."

"I told you, but it's happy, though a little noisy because of the kids."

"Have you thought of this?"

"What?"

"Have this little bone around. Their noise filled your house..." Napatango si Cashmere pero hindi iyon ang sagot na nais ko malaman. "Do you want it or not?"

"Why asking about this suddenly, Eirene?"

"Wala lang." Napatingin ako sa dining room at nakita ko na kumakaway na si Architect Jaziel. "Let's go. They're looking for us."

"You're weird."

"Always." Kumindat ako saka nginitian siya.

***

The dinner went fine. Maaga lang natapos at nag-uwian na rin iyong ibang miyembro ng pamilya ni Cashmere. Naiwan na lang ay iyong pamilya ng kapatid ni Miss Bia. Cashmere and I got grilled because no one wanted to believe that we're friends. To them, there's no such thing boy-girl friendship. It's either I am hiding something or Cashmere doing it behind my back.

Patuloy ako lumakad palabas ng bahay ngunit nahinto nang makita ko sina Miss Bia at Cashmere na magka-usap sa veranda. Sila lamang ang naroon... at ako pero hindi nila alam na naririnig ko sila.

"You bring the girl who almost ruined our family, Kien Cashmere. Where is this rebellion coming from, huh? Are you trying to get back to me because I meddle with your love life?"

"Mom, are you writing a book? Maybe you're a book collector or a hoarder, but what you just said was fictional. I brought Eirene because she has no family to celebrate this thanksgiving dinner here."

"It's none of our business. You re-hired her, engaged with a hocus-pocus kind of deal, and you hear nothing from me. The dinner is a family thing for me, Kien. I treasure each of what we had in the past, and bringing a stranger insulted me."

"Why do you hate her, mom?"

Hindi sumagot si Miss Bia. Gusto ko rin malaman bakit galit na galit siya sa 'kin. Aside from the ruckus I made, I cannot remember anything I've done against her to received such a hate like this.

"Do you like her?"

"What? Mom, you what? This is enough. We already told you at the dinner table that we're friends."

"With benefits?"

So, alam ni Miss Bia...

Bilib na bilib na talaga ako sa detective skills niya. Lahat nalalaman niya kahit nakaupo lang sa bahay na ito.

"She's my employee and -"

"Your bed warmer." It's the truth. But why does it stink? The words pierced my heart, but they didn't kill me. Ang sakit naman pakinggan lalo't galing na naman kay Miss Bia. "Stay away from her, Cash. And for the love of God, date seriously, and take a good woman as your wife, the future mother of your future kids. Please stop playing around, okay? She's not good for you."

She really hates me. Malalim ako huminga at aalis na sana ngunit hindi ko tinuloy dahil nagsalita si Cashmere.

"I'm with her for sex. That's just it, and there's nothing more. You'll know when I'm ready to take everything seriously. I'll give you the woman you've wanted to stand beside me."

Mas masakit iyon. Tuluyan ko na napagtanto na nahulog talaga ako sa lalaking ito at ako iyong talo. He's with me for sex and I wanted more, which is like a delusion. I am delusional for believing that an inconvenient attachment we started would end up like those in romantic-comedy drama on TV.

Nagising ako nang marinig ang mga yabag na palapit sa puwesto ko. Dali-dali inayos ang sarili ko at mabilis na pumasok saka pumunta sa living room kung nasaan ang gamit ko. Agad ko nilabas ang cell phone ko upang magpanggap na may ginagawang iba.

"Hey, stranger, ready to go home?" tanong na narinig ko mula sa aking likuran. Napahugot ako nang malalim na hinga bago humarap kay Cashmere. Plano ko na talaga umuwi kaso hindi na ako magpapahatid kay Cashmere. Tonight is enough and I fed up already. I don't think I can handle it anymore.

"Yes, I am, but you don't need to drive me home. Pupuntahan ko si Papa sa hospice,"

"Ihahatid na kita doon."

"No, I'll be fine. I called a taxi, and it's on the way now."

"Are you okay?" Lalapitan sana ako ni Cashmere pero una ako umiwas at lumayo ng ilang hakbang sa kanya. "I'm fine, Cash. Aalis na ako, hm? I'll see you sa site with Miss Icheyeru bukas."

Mabilis ako lumakad at nasalubong ko pa si Miss Bia na papasok ng bahay. I vowed my head down to greet and bade my goodbye as well before exiting their house. Nakaka-suffocate na rin kaya kailangan ko na talaga umalis. Hindi nakaligtas ang tingin ni Miss Bia sa akin. May mga pagkakataon na gusto siya kausapin pero tingin ko hindi rin niya maiintindihan kahit pa magpaliwanag ako. 

Wala naman akong tinawagan na taxi. Nagpanggap lang ako para maka-alis na dahil kung magtatagal pa ako, baka umiyak na ako at hindi ko iyon gagawin sa harap nila. Swerte ko na may dumaan na agad ko pinara saka sinakyan paalis. Paglingon ko, nakita ko pa si Cashmere na nasa labas ng gate nila nakatanaw sa akin. Napaglapat ko ang aking mga labi saka umupo ng tuwid. Anong ginagawa niya sa labas? May balak ba siya na habulin ako? That's cliche, I know but I am cliche. 

"Lover's quarrel on thanksgiving evening?"

Napatingin ako sa taxi driver at nakita ko na ngingiti-ngiti pa siya. "Just quarrel, sir," Because we're not lovers...