Tracy sighed hearing his words, “Nathan, you are drunk, okay? Here, I will help you inside,” she approached him and tried to help him and stand up.
“I don’t need your help,” he shrugged away from her and almost hit his head on the door from his swaying. “I can do perfectly fine without you. I drove home on my own you know. I may be crazy in love with you, but I’m not handicapped.”
Tracy heaved a sigh, “Nathan, I did not say that you are handicapped. You are clearly drunk; I just want to help you inside.”
“Inside where, your bedroom? So that you will take advantage of me again?”
“What?” Tracy was horrified.
“Yes,” he chuckled drunkenly, “it’s obvious now,” he gulped, ‘it’s really obvious now. You were horny in Hawaii and you needed an eighteen year old boy who is crazily in love with you to satisfy you and when you think you don’t need him anymore, you threw him away with the very chance you got.”
“Nathan,” Tracy called out unbelievably, her voice spoke of her pain and how much his accusations hurt her.
“Yes,” he nodded, “you know, I have been having these thoughts for the past month, I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted to give you the benefit of doubt that you didn’t just take advantage of me. But look around Trace, what does it look like? Huh? You have been pushing me away from the moment we came back from Hawaii, so what do you want me to think?”
“Nathan I…” she gulped, “I was just trying to protect you.”
Nathan scoffed, “protect me she said, from what, yourself? Because to be honest, you are the only one that hurts me Trace, you are the only one that makes me wish I was not born.”
“Nathan, please, don’t talk like that,” she reached to grab his hand but he struggled away, although drunkenly but she understood the message. “Hurting you was never my intention, in fact, if I can, I will give you all the happiness you deserve.”
Nathan chuckled and shook his head softly, “from when I was fifteen, I feel this heart wrenching pain whenever I see you with someone. I wanted to hate you, to loathe you, but no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t. I always told myself that you didn’t know about how I feel, that if you do, I’m sure you will not hurt me. I forgave you of every pain I went through when I see you kiss someone else, when I see you hold someone else, when I see you love someone else. I always believe that when you know of how much I feel about you, everything will change and the only thing I need was to gather up the courage to tell you. And then in Hawaii, everything was perfect, it was as if I was living in a dream. I was happy, I was so happy but then, I didn’t know that that was the calm before the storm. I didn’t know that if you will come to hurt me, that you will break me to the point of no return.”
“Nathan please…”
“No,” he shook his head and forced himself to stand up. His legs wobbled but he leaned on the door to hold himself. “I have gone through pain enough for you. I have loved you enough and I am sick of waiting for you to see me. I am sick of waiting for you to notice me, to accept me. I am sick of waiting for you to love me. I am sick of waiting for you to cherish me. I am sick of hoping Tracy, I am sick of receiving pain after pain after pain after pain from you. If you can’t love me, I will love myself, if you can’t care for me, I will care for myself. I am tired of waiting on you,” he glanced at her in the darkness, glad that she couldn’t see his tears and how much his own words were hurting him.
“Nathan…”
“No,” he cut her short, “I won’t love you anymore Tracy. From now on, I will be that little brother you want and you will be that older sister.” He licked his lips, “as much as I am dying to ask you why you decided to marry him, I don’t want to hear your answer. But for your sake and my love for you as a sister, I hope you are doing the right thing because from what I understand, a cheating man just doesn’t stop.” He sniffled and wiped away his tears, “I wish you all the happiness in your marriage and….” He sniffled once more, “I promise you, Hawaii never happened.” He stared at her in the darkness once more, wishing he could see her face but then, he shut his eyes and do away with the wish before staggering passed her to his house.
Tracy watched him leave and was dying to run to him, to pull him back and tell him that she was ready to let go of what society would say, that she was ready to try this with him regardless of what anybody would say. It was at the tip of her tongue to call out to him but at the end, it remained at the tip of her tongue. She stood, gazing where she believed he would be until she heard the door open and closed before she closed her eyes and wiped away her tears, perhaps it’s for the best this way.
She has finally gotten what she wanted, now she doesn’t have to worry about him living with the stigma of being molested nor her being called a pedophile. Everything finally worked out well, but why wasn’t she happy? Why does it feel like her heart was being broken into a million tiny pieces? Why does she feel like she has lost a treasure while searching for trash? Why does it feel so wrong to have him turn his back on her?
There were so many questions, so many that she doesn’t have an answer to, so many emotions swimming inside her, so many feelings that she couldn’t even identify eating her up. She sniffled and sighed, wiping away her tears once more and then turned and unlocked her door, entering her house.
-
Nathan sat on the floor in the bathroom, the shower was on, falling on him like rain and he had only one wish that night; that it would wash away his pain. He may be drunk, but he knew what he said to Tracy, he knew the meaning of each word he spoke and he knew deep down it was what he needed to do. He can’t do it anymore, the last thing he wants was to be in love with someone’s wife.
He just needs to accept the truth, the fact that he can never have her. That he can never be with her. Perhaps it was better that these whole things were happening, perhaps it was better that she was getting married, it helped him woke up from his land of fantasy, from his land of endless hope that he was meant for her and she was meant for him. It was high time he woke up from that dream that has kept him bound to her for the past three years.
But even though he knew that this was what he should do, it still hurts like hell. It still breaks every little fiber in him that he would never have her. It was still so painful that he wished nature would have mercy on him and just make things work out between them.
He was so in pain that he couldn’t even stand up from the floor and turn off the shower; rather he lay there, hoping the water would help to wash away his pain till he fell asleep. And rather than have an amazing dream as usual, he had a nightmare that he knew would torment him for the rest of his life. He saw Tracy pregnant, walking down the aisle into the arms of Gary and he could do nothing but just stand there and watch them say their vows and kiss.
The pain was so painful that he woke up still feeling the slicing pain in his chest. He was still lying on the bathroom floor and the shower was still on. His whole body was ached him and he knew he was on the verge of catching a cold so he forced himself up and turned off the shower. He grabbed his towel, drying himself and walked into his bedroom. He stared out his window, the night was still dark with no hope of dawn yet. The light was on in the house next door. If she was still awake, it means it has not been long he fell asleep in the shower. He stared at the window of the room next door, he could see her silhouette on the bed and wondered if she had fallen asleep with the light on but he forced himself to look away from her window and to stop thinking about her.
He didn’t bother to change into a nightwear and just fell on his bed like that, hoping sleep would steal his consciousness again but without the nightmare this time.