Everyone has things what love to do. Painting, sports, music, hang out... such thing like them. And how we grow up we don't have as much time as we want, sometimes we forget about it because of the timeless tiredness. 

Some of us quit for same or different reasons. 

The time what we spend without our hobbies we are less for ourself. 

After months, years maybe we have time to think out about it. Feel uneasy and want to start again but don't know how. A painter thinks about how to grab the brush. A football player thinks about how hard he/she should kick the ball. A guitarist thinks about what song should be the first to practice. 

Some of us have the fear to try again.

Here's my story.

I always did some sports. For example swimming, ice skating, handball, basketball, dance and almost I tried every sport. But there was one and only one what meant a lot to me. That one was the JUDO. 

I started it when I was at elementary school 5th. I did in that time for half a year judo, handball and dance. But that was too lot, I had 21 hours to practice per week plus the school. My grades drop down a bit but really bit. My mom didn't like that so I had to choose one sport what I have to finish. I chose dance. 

In 8th I had my very first judo contest when I broke my right ankle but I won the gold medal. I cried hard. But not because of my broken ankle but because I couldn't go to the practices for 3 months. In that time I felt that my heart is hurt a lot. Like when your crush say that he/she hates you without a reason. 

I went to the practices with broken leg too and I did what I could. 

Then my ankle healed and I kept going to handball as well. But I ended it before the end of my class 8th. Then my life was around the judo. I wanted to go to the Olympics. But my ankle got worse and worse and worse.

When I was between 10th and 11th I had a judo camp where almost everyone were rude with me and I ran away on the 6th day out of 8. I can't handle meanwhile I was always bullied. I didn't go to practices after that and I had a last contest in September. 

I was heartbroken. Second time in my life when I cried more than a baby. I had nothing in my life what I loved that much. Of course I have my mom and other relatives but for really myself I had nothing. This is absurd but true. I cannot love anything really much. 

I have friends, I have family, I have good life but not love. 

Nowadays I thinking a lot about start again. What will happen? Can I love again? Or I will be more heartbroken? My ankle now strong enough I think but what if I'll have problems with it again? 

I wanna try but I have the fear. I don't want to be the bullied one again. I can protect myself physically but I am afraid of the mental. I don't want to cry again.