"Jullian," I say breathlessly, staring at who we hit.

"What... is it dead?" He asks, trying to peer over my chair to look.

"He's not dead- still breathing- might need a hospital though."

"What do you mean might need a hospital, they aren't going to take a deer in a hospital Norie," he chuckles, finally reaching my side, seeing what I meant, "oh... fuck."

"Yeah, you hit a person," I mutter as we ignore the rain soaking our clothes, watching the groaning stranger. "Well, are you going to help him? Or are we just gonna let him die, lonely." I say pointing at him. Jullian quickly rolls his eyes as he helps the guy up, quickly shoving him back down as fast as he got up, making me jump slightly.

"What the fuck are you doing here," the stranger mutters and I automatically recognize the voice... not being a stranger after all. Before I can even look him in the eye I'm in the passenger seat, refusing to look out the window. What feels like 10 minutes go by before I feel a large sinking feeling in the back of the trunk, assuming they put the motorcycle he was riding in the back. Not long after Jullian gets in the front seat, then the back door opens and the truck dips again. Before I can even react we're moving on the road again.

"It's gonna be fine Norie, he's just gonna stay overnight through the rain then he'll be out of our way okay?" Jullian whispers, pulling his hand gently on my own, squeezing it reassuringly. I give a small nod before we're interrupted.

"Well, how are you guys doing these days? I'm fine, how about you Elle? I got your birthday card, very kind of you," he chuckles, "Would you mind if I read it? Did you get a chance to read it Jullian?"

"Keep my girlfriend's name out of your damn mouth Anthony," Jullian sputters, his voice getting slightly louder as he does a sharp turn into the nearest gas station, pulling quickly into a parking spot. "I'll be in then out, will you be fine in here?" He asks softly and I nod my head. He lets out a sigh and quickly kisses my forehead. "Just say the word and I'll punch him in the throat," he smiles before getting out of the truck and running inside.

"So you and Jullian huh? I'm surprised you chose to go for the guy who threw you to the side like a piece of sh-"

"That's enough Anthony, just stop." I sigh, looking for Jullian through the glass gas station windows.

"Why? You know you don't have a real reason to why you chose him, Elle." He chuckles as I find Jullian walking to the front register.

"You really want to know why Anthony?" I snap, unable to stop myself before turning around to face him, "Because choosing someone who hurt me and was willing to say sorry is better than choosing someone who lied behind my back then decided to disappear once they got caught." I yell, quickly turning back around when tears start coming to my eyes, "and at least I knew Jullian was still alive when he left me." I say in barely a whisper, almost choking on my own words as the tears start to brim at the bottom of my eyes.

The truck becomes engulfed in silence when he decides to speak up, "Elle I-"

"Sorry I took so long, I couldn't find it for a while there," Jullian chuckles, placing the milk in my lap, then looking at me. He slowly places his hand on my cheek, wiping the tear falling from my right eye with the pad of his thumb. "Are you okay?" he asks, immediately worried.

"Yeah, I just want to go now," I nod, turning my head from his palm, putting my seatbelt back on, wiping the tears from my eyes with my sleeve.

・・・

"He doesn't need to go to the hospital or anything?" Jason asks, opening the milk jug and putting it to its much-needed use.

"He said that he was fine and all he needed was to make sure his bike was okay," Jullian shrugs, getting 3 water bottles out of the fridge; placing 2 of them in the middle of us two and chunking the third at Anthony who sat in the living room, muttering 'damn it,' when he missed his head by only a mere few inches.

"Language Jullian," his mom says, Jullian rolling his eyes in return. "And why was he riding a bike in this type of weather? Is he insane?"

"A motorcycle, Mrs.Wilder." Anthony speaks up, walking over to us, "you can ask me anything you're wondering, you don't have to ask them for the answers," he smiles, hurt evident in his eyes as he looks at me.

"I suppose we'll start off with 'are you hungry?'" Jason says, preparing the meal onto the plates.

"I could eat," he shrugs as we all begin to walk to the table, him taking the seat across from me while Jullian takes the seat to my right.

"It wasn't really a question dear, he was going to make you eat anyways," Mrs.Wilder laughs, getting a wink from her husband. Jason places down the 5 plates and takes the seat across from Jullian, next to Anthony. 

"You all were childhood friends right?" Jason asks the 3 of us as we immediately go mute.

"Yeah, we were," Anthony speaks up, looking up at me from his plate.

"I guess when kids grow up they just split apart, kind of ironic how all of y'all got back together and we haven't all lived on the same street in basically 5 years," his mom smiles, eating more of her food.

"Yeah, pretty crazy," Jullian mutters, the entire table going quiet again.

・・・

4 months ago

"What if he died," I say, thinking out loud. I look up from my textbook to Jullian who's working on his history paper.

"What?" He mumbles, entranced in his work.

"Anthony. What if he's dead and that's why he's not answering my calls or replying to my texts. What if when he stormed out he got into a wreck or what if he drove off and fell into a ditch? What if-"

"Norie stop," Jullian says sternly, cutting me off. "He's fine okay? I'm sure he's fine," his voice starting soft then turning into a mumble, returning to his work. 

"How do you know for sure? He could've died because of me Jullian, I could've killed one of my best friend," I say in barely a whisper, the thoughts becoming slightly overbearing.

"Norie you're overreacting. I'm sure he just ran off somewhere and is refusing to talk to you for whatever reason, he'll reply one day."

"One day? Jullian it's been almost 4 months since I've even heard his name from someone besides myself. How can you be so sure."

"So now we're on first name basis again-"

"Are you serious Jullian?!That's what you're worried about right now?" I almost yell, catching him off guard, "I could be the reason why someone died do you get that? Me." 

"Norie I didn't mean-"

"No Jullian it's fine, I just need to be by myself right now. There's a lot on my mind," I sigh, closing my textbook and packing my backpack as Jullian watches me in regret, getting up to open the door for me.

"Just text me if you need anything," He says, grabbing my arm gently before I walk out, "we're going to find out where he went alright? He's okay... it's okay," he reassures me, giving me a hug. Not the hug that you give someone when you're just saying goodbye, but the comforting hug you give someone when you feel the pain they're going through. 

That's the hug Jullian gave me. When you know exactly how a person feels, and that you're experiencing the same pain they are.

・・・

I woke up to tears in my eyes, wiping them away quickly with the end of my sleeve. Jullian's arm is still draped around my waist from when we fell asleep. I turn to see him sleeping peacefully and I begin to smile, quickly kissing his cheek before slipping out of his comforting grasp and walk towards the door.

"Where are you going," he whispers as he shuffles around, his voice scratchy from just waking up.

"Just grabbing some water, I'll be right back," I reply, Jullian nodding his head in response, falling asleep as quickly as he woke up.

I turn on my heel and walk out the door, shutting it softly. I let out a sigh as I rub my face in an attempt to forget the recalling memories from months ago.

"You woke up too?" A voice mumbles, his face dimly lit by the natural lighting of the moon through the windows. He gestures for me to sit on the barstool next to him on the island. I quickly grab a bottle of water before nodding, sitting down.

"Yeah, just a bad memory," I sigh, quickly looking at him before looking back to my water bottle. 

"Elle I'm sorry-"

"Anthony can we not do this, again." I sigh, taking a sip of my water. "I'd rather not talk about it right now. I'm supposed to be having fun with my boyfriend and get away from all the bad things in my life," I continue and he scoffs, running a hand through his hair.

"So I'm something bad now? And is Jullian supposed to be something good?"

"You know what I mean-"

"Do you even love him, Elle," He retorts, triggering my anger immediately.

"Are you kidding Anthony? Of course, I do. I'm dating him for god's sake," I laugh in disbelief.

"Have you told him? Have you ever told him that you love him," he emphasizes, his temper running low.

"Yes." I lie, starting to mess with my hair.

"Don't lie to me." He says sternly, his posture noticeably changing.

"Just because I haven't said it doesn't mean I-"

"Don't be stupid Elle, you know if I hadn't left you would've chosen me. You know that you love me more than you could ever love him," he explains angrily, his hand gripping the end of the counter, his knuckles turning white.

"No I wouldn't have Anthony, I chose Jullian and not you for a reason." I stutter, avoiding keeping eye contact with him.

"Then look me in the eye and tell me that you love Jullian and you've never felt anything with me and never will and I'll leave. You'll never have to see me again if that's what you want." He says beginning to grow angry as well, his eyes pouring into me, my heart pounding.

I look at him and slowly make my way from his busted lip to his bruised nose to his eyes. The eyes I've ached to see for so long. The eyes I thought I had killed. I let out a shaky breath before opening my mouth, nothing comes out but a croaky "I"

"Say it, Eleanor. Tell me and I'll be gone and you can be happy with Jullian without me being in the way," he whispers, hurt flooding his eyes and tears flood my own. I try to speak again but I can't. I couldn't bear losing sight of him again. Losing someone who's been by my side forever for the third time.

"I can't," I whisper. Both of us turning quiet as I look at my shaky palms resting in my lap, tears falling onto them. 

"That's what I thought," Anthony mutters, not even thinking to look at me again before he gets up and leaves, walking out of the front door, disappearing once again. I can't help but let out a sob as I hear the door close, and not much longer another one opening.

"Are you okay darling?" Jullian's mom asks, putting her hand softly on my shoulder. "I thought I heard crying."

"No ma'am I'm fine, just allergies," I sniffle, standing up, "I just came to get some water."

"Are you sure? I thought I also heard talking," she says, looking towards the living room. "Is Anthony still here? Jason fixed his motorcycle." 

"I'm not sure, he may still be sleeping," I lie, wiping the tears starting to stain my cheeks once again.

"Okay, do you need some allergy medicine? I have some in the medicine cabinet if you need some," she offers, which I shake my head.

"No it's just a nightly thing, I have medicine for it," I decline, giving a soft smile.

"Okay well get some rest, we have some things planned for tomorrow," she smiles and I nod, watching her walk back to her room. I let out a small sigh and look back towards the front door as I grab my water, heading back to the bedroom.

"Took you a while to get back," Jullian chuckles as I open the door, slowly turning towards me, "get lost?"

"No no, I just talked to your mom that's all," I smile half-heartedly, digging into my bag.

"What are you doing?" He asks as I grab the orange medicine bottle.

"I forgot to take my prescription medicine, so I'm just taking it again before going back to sleep."

"What for?" He asks, sitting up to try and read it.

"Just for allergies, Jullian," I sigh, walking towards the bathroom.

"You sure?"

"Positive," I smile before I close the door and turn on the light, wincing as my eyes adjust to the bright light. I look in the mirror longingly and sigh, looking back at the bottle.

Eleanor Maxwell:  Sertraline.

You were doing so good without it.

As I take another chug of my water I walk out of the bathroom and place the water bottle on the nightstand and lay back down. Jullian slowly wraps his arm around my waist, seeming asleep moments before. I lay there with my eyes open for what feels like hours before my eyes slowly begin to feel heavy and I quickly look at the clock.

4:03 am

Author's Note: HAPPY 2018 EVERYONE!

thaattttt was a trip. A 2361 word one to be exact. Honestly I kind of like these long ones. I think this was one of the- if not the most emotional chapter by far, do you agree?

You guys aren't ready for the upcoming chapters (; The script is going to FLIP

In other words, I felt the need to upload this one closer to chapter 19 because it was a pretty big cliff-hanger and also because I owe it to you all for your support even though I'm terrible at keeping a reasonable update-time (which I'm working on!) 

Tell me what you think is going to happen in the next chapter and I'll tell you if you're warm or cold (;

Also if you don't know what Sertraline is it's an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor). It can treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), social anxiety disorder, and panic disorder and will play its role in this story.

Please do not think I'm romanticizing anxiety or depression disorders. I hate books that romanticize mental illness so it'd be wrong of me to do it myself. I'm incorporating it merely to show the readers how much this all has affected Eleanor, not to allow for a new narrative of "romance."

Thank you for continuing to read!

- 𝐊𝐅

・originally published on January 15, 2018・updated on July 27, 2019・