Angst, not a happy ending story— read at your own risk.

________

Soon this too shall p a s s . . .

It was the lung cancer.

The warm summer afternoon was supposed to be the celebratory feast of our engagement. But fate chose something else to throw in our way.

I clasped my hands tightly on Win's sweaty ones, while the doctor gradually broke the news to us.

Win looked at me; I looked at Win. And we looked at each other, shooting some unspoken comfort words with our eyes.

There it was, the growing fear of death in his eyes. It made me clasp his hands, even more tighter, just like I have promised to hold on our wedding day.

The doctor had a thick mustache and spoke spitting saliva all around. We would have laughed at this if we weren't here to receiving Win's cancer report.

The ring of his finger seemed to feel a bit loose that day. I watched as the platinum ring on his finger glided and rotated on his ring finger with each squeeze.

Win palms were clammy and sweaty. As an ardent observer, I knew Win's palm grew sweaty when he would get nervous. It somehow reminded me of the time when we first met.

It was a winter day when I met Win. I was a photographer and Win was a model. And I probably fell in love with him at first sight, first smile, specifically.

Unlike all other models, he did not carry a very professional aura. I ran over at Win, spilling coffee over his shirt and bumping my nose on his shoulder, hurting it in the process.My camera fell on the ground in the process.

He gently brushed my nose with his fingers occasionally looking at me and mumbling apologies of all kinds. It was the time I noticed how unexplainably beautiful he was! How beautifully furrowed in concern his eyebrows were and how cutely his plump lips were standing in a pout.

When I could cut off from my daze, I knew I was at sea.

The doctor looked at us, we looked at each other, and then looked at the doctor.

This is how it must be.

         Full of longing,
      
                             P a i n

A  n  d    s  a  d  n  e  s  s.

I swallowed the lump, looking at Win occasionally while walking back to our apartment. It was a nightmare when the doctor asked to come immediately to the hospital at one in the morning.

The rising sun was looked beautiful today. I didn't know how to explain how beautiful Win looked as the rays fell on him, making him glow as usual. I pulled him stop beside me on the footbridge looking at the sunrise
from between the buildings.

The exuberant demeanor of Win had faded into a deadpan face. He neither smiled nor said a thing. He just stood there holding my hand, with an odd expression on his face.

"Bright?"

"Hm?" I answered still staring at his face.

"Do you have your camera with you?" He asked tears pooling in his eyes.

I swallowed a lump, before fishing my hands in my jacket and pulling out my analog camera.

I carry my camera like I carry Win in my heart, for who knows when I'll get click-worthy pictures.

He took it from me and faced it to him and pulled me closer, wrapping his hands around my neck.

I couldn't help but look at him as if he could disappear any second now.

He clicked a picture and started crying out loud, hugging me closer than he could.

I don't want to l e a v e  y   o  u . . .

"What's your name?"

"Bright, yours?"

"Win, a model. You seemed like a photographer?"

"I am."

I was intimidated as to why he was talking to me of all people around him. I was dazed by Win's doe eyes magnified behind his glasses. His brown hair was messy, unlike all other models.

My mom would have loved him, was the thought that came to my mind.

I was even more stunned when he brushed my hair from my face. And not to compare the amount of red I was when he asked to buy me a coffee as compensation.

I said I would see if I could find a time in my schedule and saw him shifted his body weight from one leg to the other and scratch his neck mumbling an 'okay'. Cute.

"P'Tun's cafe" he had mumbled.

"Huh?"

"I work part-time there. If you ever want to get some coffee", he said before flashing the same bunny smile.

I couldn't help but click a picture of your retracing figure in my camera. And that's how I knew,

I
            fell
                  
in
                              
                 Love.

The next morning when I felt him stir in my arms. I couldn't sleep at all and kept thinking about how I'll never get to get up with him in my arms after a few months.

But it'll be fine. I'll grow to get used to it when it'll happen for real.

For now, all I know is Win. Win. Win. Win. Whether he is gone or not, I will keep him in my heart— warm and covered.

When the sunlight fell on him, I stared at his glowing face and skin, and his rested face, serene demeanor, and heard the soft, rhythmic snores.

A sob rose from me, pulling out an unstoppable urge to let my tears loose. I did compel to it. Swarming my way among the tangled sheets, I buried my face in his neck and cried and inhaled his natural scent like a hungry person.

Soon, I jolted up to look at his face. He was looking at me as well.

"It'll be alright, baby", he wrapped an arm around me.

"I love you, Win"

"I love you too, Bright".

Tay, my friend insisted I should go meet Win at P'Tun's cafe and that there are only a few people who approach an introverted weird like me.

I did however obliged to his insistence.

I stopped my steps as our eyes met in the cafe. The intensity of his gaze left me breathless.  He looked angelic in that white uniform. Soon his plump lips stretched into a wide grin. Shit.

I blushed and walked towards him.

"Hello, Win", I breathed out.

"Hey, Bright. I thought you'd never come", he smiles even more.

"Well," I cleared my throat," it's about coffee after all". And about you, of course.

"I see, coffee lover, yeah?"

"Absolutely".

"Then lemme make you one", he winked and smiled cheekily at me, walking away from in front of me.

He talked with me as if we knew each other since forever. He's indeed easy to talk with.

I smiled unconsciously, looking down in my hands.

He's cute.

•••

"I am a model. A newbie though", Win said with his palms on his cheeks and elbows on the counter.

I didn't know how we jumped into this conversation so soon. And that's the thing I've started to adore about Win. He can jump from one conversation to another in a split of time and very casually. One couldn't ever feel uncomfortable with him.

"I am a newbie photographer as well", I pulled out my analog camera and showed it to him.

"Wow, I love analog pictures!" He looked at the camera with a strange fascination.

I have never seen a person who looks at a camera like this. With this passion.

"Um... Is there something on my face?" He asked with a laugh.

I was staring. Shit.

I laughed and said a 'no'.

The next thing I knew was him posing randomly and me clicking pictures of him.

And in all honesty, I have never felt this comfortable with anyone else as I am feeling with him. And that coffee, which he made me, tasted like heaven.

Since Win had stepped into my life, there are two things I hate in him. One, excessive use of rose talc in everything. And two, his obsession with food with loads of garlic.

Today, however, I smelled thr rose talc, registering it in my brain and learning to like it.

I love you.

Win was just in shower, yet it felt like he was gone. Away. Away. A w a y.

Like he's never coming back again.

Those days were exciting, even though we did nothing but sat in P'Tun's cafe and he would tell me how he coped up with his anxiety.

He talked about nothing in particular but the roads, skies, stars, and people. Sometimes I would sneak some pictures while he would be eating his favorite pad thai or a mango Shake.

He's the only one who can remake the world I've seen and the only one who can rearrange my heartbeat.

Soon we started growing, laughing, fighting and eating together. Dreaming, chasing, and growing in our respective fields.

I captured him whether it was him watching rom-com or him baking cakes or smiling like sunbeams.

He was a whole book of poetry. Beautiful one.

I never really made breakfast but I thought of giving it a try today. I saw Win do it every day and tried copying his action.

"Bright?" It was Win. He immediately hugged me, resting his face on my shoulder.

"Hm?" Even his voice makes me feel empty now.

"I love you, Bright. I really do", he looked at my eyes as if trying to get lost in them.

"I know, bun. I love you too", I smiled. I never doubted it.

•••

We stood at our terrace watching the sunset on the horizon.

"Bright?" He took my left hand without looking at me.

"Yes, bun?"

"How many days are left?"

"3 to 6 months". His grip tightened on my hand.

He stroked his thumb over my ring finger where my engagement ring seated. The ring which he slides in my finger after a successful shoot with Vogue.

"Let's get married, Win," I said.

"Bright?" He gasped as he looked at me.

"Let's forget everything for once Win", tears fell, " let's get married and complete our promise."

He sobbed and said breathlessly, "I don't wanna die, P'Bai."

I knew this was coming, "then don't die", and pulled him to a kiss.

We kissed like there's no tomorrow.

I  l o v e  y  o  u . . .

Win's odd obsession with Polaroid and analog somehow moved me. And I ended up buying a blue Polaroid camera.

It was autumn afternoon when he visited my place, shivering and covered with a thick green jumper and lilac scarf — in the context of the inauguration of my polaroid camera.

Cutest weirdo.

He made few fluffy pancakes with loads of maple syrup and cappuccino, while dancing in my kitchen with his favorite songs.

When he finally finished decorating the pancakes and cappuccino on the table and pulled me to his side by wrapping his hands on my neck and angled the camera to our faces and clicked a picture.

When the picture came out, he jumped up and down like a bunny and flashed a winsome smile at the camera clicking a few more.

I don't think I could hold myself back anymore.

"Metawin?"

"Hm?" He answered without looking up at me.

In a few blinks, I was there cupping his cheeks and pulling his face up to face me.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked. I didn't knew why I did that... But I just wanted to do it. My courage boomed up inflating higher and higher.
He was surprised and his face bloomed like a red rose as he nodded in affirmation.

The next thing I knew was my lips on his, our eyes closed.

The Polaroid snapped another picture, making us shoot away from one another.

"My– my mistake", Win shuttered.

"Ohh..." That's all I could say then.

He, however, took few deep breaths before taking out the photo and writing something.  He passed it to me after making sure the words were right.

My eyes widened after reading that.

It said —

Be my boyfriend?

"What do you say, P'Bai?" He blushed again.

I grinned, soring my cheeks," thought you'd never ask".

He burst into fits of giggles and I fell another league deep in his love.

Down.

           D
                o
                    w
                        n.

•••

Time as if flown and soon we were in our thirties, successful in our fields.

As I thought when I met him, my mom did love him and she insisted me to bring him to our house on occasions.

We moved in together on my birthday and decorated our walls with our Polaroids, and pictures from my analog camera.

We debated daily about life, and death, and stars and the universe.

We stared at each other before sleeping and after waking up.

I loved
            
              And l o v e d him
  
                                     So much

that I grew a strange fear of losing him one day.

We finally came to terms with the lung cancer after a few weeks. It was painful, yes.  But life must go on.

I smiled in the cuddling arms of Win, my fiánce who will cease to exist after a few days.

"Bai?"

"Um?"

"A story can be poetry, can't it?" Idiot. He was always this idiot.

"Technically, no. Metaphorically, yes."

"Tell me. Tell me about it!" He faced me.

"My mom used to say every person has a story, but only a few get to become a poetry." Win sat with his head on my shoulder like a patient kid," the people who manage to sit in people's minds and stays unforgettable are the ones who manage to turn into poetry from stories."

Silence.

I waited for him to say something but instead, he stayed silent.

The cars honked outside, birds chirped, lights of sunset flowed in through the windows and chaos rose from down the road.

The world moved and kept moving.

"I want to die like poetry too, Bright", Win sobbed clutching my sides and broke down again.

Win has always been adorable, even when he is in his thirties and that had always pushed me to kiss him whenever I could.

The day when his Vogue shoot went well, he came in the house and hugged me like he was going to be insane from happiness.

And before I could say 'you did great', he immediately pulled away kissing me and running towards the dressing table and spraying rose talc everywhere in the room. Then threw the bottle on our bed and kneeled before me with a ring.

"Bright Vachirawit Chivaree, I don't want you to be my boyfriend, I am bored", he giggled," let's get engaged?"

He was cute and hilarious.

And there he goes for the second time asking to level up our relationship. One of the things I love about him— his outgoing nature attracts me.

I didn't think twice before nodding even though I hate the rose talc with passion.

He ran into our room once again and came back with the Polaroid camera and clicked a photo with me showing my ring and us laughing like maniacs.

Mentally noting to buy him a platinum ring the next day, I kissed him pouring my adoration, love, and admiration for him.

And I fell much deeper than I had planned to.

I sprayed the rose talc in my room today and held the Polaroids and the cameras firmly in my arm, afraid they might disappear just Win.

It has been hours since Win died.

He has been smiling until the end. The smile that I had grew to love. The smile that made me happy, broke me today.

I watched the photographs, running my fingers over them, crying, sobbing, wailing. I kept playing our conversation, debates, fights, and arguments in my head.

And this how this ends.

I went to stand on the balcony, legs threatening to give out and watched the stars.

I promise to hold you in my heart and these photographs like poetry, Win. You'll live forever. Forever. F o r e v e r —

________________

A/N : *sobs* thoughts? (〒﹏〒)