24

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AMETHYST CAMBRAY IS not dead.

That's what everybody doesn't know, even after three years later.

Sa loob ng tatlong taon, napakarami nang nangyari. Three years passed by and my friendship with Cinna and Pierre is still intact. Three years without seeing Tanya, three years working as a bartender downtown, still sending myself to school, three years living alone.

Isang araw bago ang college graduation ko, nagulat ako at may bumisita sa 'king isang taong halos muntik ko nang kalimutan. It's my aunt and her daughter, Marivic.

Marivic looked totally different, and my aunt still looked the same, though a little older and with more wrinkles. I was opening the door for them as I saw them on the doorstep, surprise taking over me. My aunt — the aunt I haven't seen for years — visited me.

They didn't stay long. Ashmore from where they came from is an eighteen hour ride away, but they just slept the night after my graduation. Auntie just visited because she knew she had been irresponsible in handling me, and said she is sorry. Also, to congratulate me in my graduation. She also mentioned being 'proud' because I was able to make it this far even though I'm only by myself.

There was genuine apology in her eyes, and I think she shouldn't be apologetic about something I am even thanking her for. If she wasn't so much of a horrible aunt, I wouldn't have lived in Ashmore — which I considered my home — and I wouldn't have met the girl I love even until now.

Somehow, I understood Tita. Tita was in love with my father when her sister who was my mother, came to the picture. The bitterness in Tita's heart stayed and lingered together with anger. I know it's been said so many times, but love . . . it makes us do so many things. It enables us to unleash something within us we never knew we had.

Marivic told me that her mother had always planned to visit, but was afraid I'd shut them out. Natawa na lang ako. At least, my aunt, who I thought hated me all this time — had actually, even though a little, cared. I guess that's important to know.

Matapos ng graduation at matapos umuwi nila Tita, I found myself, again, staring at the letter Amethyst wrote for me four years ago. It is still unopened, kahit na sobrang dami nang gabi ang dumaan na nakatitig lang ako sa kisame at iniisip siya. Again, I don't feel like opening it and reading what's inside because it will make me feel as if it's already goodbye. No. It isn't goodbye yet.

I still believe that I will see Amethyst again somewhere, someday. And until then, it isn't goodbye just yet.

—

ILANG ULIT AKONG tinanong ni Cinna kung ano na ang plano ko simula ngayon. I have graduated now with Mass Communication, unemployed, and I haven't looked for a job yet. May offer akong natanggap out of town, but I'm not sure whether I'd take it or not.

"Why wouldn't you?" tanong sa akin ni Pierre habang umiinom kami ng alak sa bubong namin. "That's a cool way to start again, y'know."

Hindi ako sumagot. Lumaklak ako ng alak mula sa lata tsaka napangiwi habang nakatingala sa langit.

"Oh!" Pierre exclaimed. "Alam ko na kung bakit ayaw mo umalis."

I ignored him.

"You still hope to see Amethyst, don't you?"

Still, I ignored him. I drank beer. Pakiramdam ko tinusok ng mainit na karayom ang dibdib ko.

Pierre sighed really deeply.

"You know what, Vin," sabi niya at inakbayan ako. "I never knew you'd be a really great friend of mine."

Napatingin naman ako sa kanya.

"When you began acting really weirdly those days," he said, scratching his brows, "I tried . . ." He sniffled. ". . . really hard to know . . . what was up. You refused to tell me anything."

I looked down and felt bad. It's just that I had no choice. He is my best friend, but that was a top secret. Still, I can't help but to feel really bad.

"When I didn't hand over the diary to the police even though . . . I wasn't sure if you were really keeping Amethyst, just to make sure your safety and . . . hers, probably . . ." Pierre gulped down beer. "And when I researched about their case by myself, I thought . . . I was helping you."

I laughed. Tumingin sa akin si Pierre, nakakunot ang noo, pero kalaunan, tumawa rin siya. Uminom ulit ako ng alak. Naalala ko na naman ang mga panahong biglang nag-character switch si Pierre. Hindi ko alam ano'ng problema niya, 'yon pala, ako lang din.

I looked at him and punched his upper arm. He smirked and punched me, too.

Pierre and I jumped off the roof a few moments later and played XBox until 1 AM. It was fun, having this much fun with your best friend. Being insane enough to get drunk and play games.

Sa kalasingan at pagod nakatulog na lang siya bigla. I dropped myself on the sofa, closed my eyes . . . and I smelled a fleeting scent of Amethyst in it.

After smelling it, my chest clenched. I closed my eyes tight. Amethyst. Amethyst. I ended up whispering it. I feel dizzy.

I don't know what the hell I am thinking — I got up and went to the door, my vision spinning, and my chest still clenching at the thought of Amethyst. I opened the door, locked it, and rode my bike. Where the hell am I going?

Hindi ko na alam kung ilang beses na akong natumba sa bike na sinasakyan ko. Ang alam ko lang, ang hapdi na ng siko ko pati braso dahil sa mga gasgas na natamo ko sa paulit-ulit na pagkalaglag. Fuck it . . .

I finally gave up, deciding I'd never be able to drive my bike if my head is spinning, and left my bike on the road. I walked aimlessly, and when I saw a taxi, I rode it and told the driver I'm going to the goddamn beach.

Nakatulog yata ako sa taxi dahil pagdilat ko ng mga mata ko, nasa beach na ako. Dali dali akong nagbayad saka bumaba.

I feel a lot better, but my vision is still spinning. Habang naglalakad, bigla akong napasuka sa gilid. Sumuka ako nang ilang beses saka nagpatuloy pa rin sa paglalakad.

While walking in zigzag, I recited the recent poem I wrote for Amethyst, staring at the pretty, pretty moon, hanging on the sky.

"Amethyst," I said. "Her eyes so warm and fiery . . ."

I sniffled. I walked. Napatingin ako sa mga paa ko at napansing wala akong suot. I'm barefooted, walking on the soft sand.

"Amethyst," I said. Napahawak ako sa pisngi kong hindi ko namamalayang basa na pala. Wait . . . I'm . . . crying? The fuck am I crying about?

"Amethyst," I repeated again. "Quite the masterpiece of the lost."

I closed my eyes and remembered the next line. "Amethyst . . . who stood in the shoreline. Amethyst who hated the sea, even if the sea . . . is who she was."

I remembered again, the night we both came here to the beach. When she undressed and dipped herself on the cold, scary sea, with no cloth to cover any inch of her skin. How she looked at me as if the sea was in her eyes, not on where she was in.

"Amethyst was so pretty," I said again, remembering the last time she smiled at me. Her purplish bruises. Her letters on the yellowed papers. I walked until the sea water brushed against my feet. "Beautiful, bottomless . . ."

Nang minulat ko ang mga mata ko, hindi ako makapaniwala sa unang-una kong nakita.

And she hated the sea . . .

. . . for she saw herself in it.

"Amethyst . . ."

Tuluyan na akong nanghina. Bumagsak ang mga balikat ko habang nakatingin sa mukha ng babaeng sobrang tagal kong ginustong makita.

She's here.

"Hi," she said. Her voice. Her scent. I couldn't move a single inch of my body. I stared at her, my eyes still crying. "Coffee shop boy."

I shook my head. Everything around me is spinning but they're even more real than Amethyst is. I am surprised. I can't even speak a single thing. Dahan-dahan akong lumakad papunta sa kanya. She is standing very still.

She's wearing the sunny dress I bought for her.

She's wearing the very first gift I gave.

"Amethyst . . ."

"Are you just going to say my name?"

I walked until I'm able to touch her again. She's real. I pinched myself and it hurt, so I looked at her even more closely . . .

"Where . . . where have you been?" I asked. I can't believe my hands are on her freckled shoulders, and I'm looking right on her eyes. I sniffled.

"Did you miss me?" tanong niya. Of course I fucking missed her. Ni hindi ko masabi 'yan, nakahawak lang ako at nakatitig sa mga mata niya. 

I was shocked when suddenly . . . her arms are wrapped around me.

"Because I did," sabi niya. Nadurog ang puso ko nang makarinig ako ng basag sa boses niya. "I missed you . . . so much, Vin. Really."

"Amethyst," I said again. Diniin ko ang ulo ko sa leeg niya, hinawakan ang buhok niya, saka siya mas niyakap nang mahigpit. "C-Can't believe you actually returned . . ."

She hugged me tighter, too. Damang-dama ko ang lamig ng tubig sa mga paa ko.

"Do you already know?" tanong niya.

"I know everything," sabi ko. "How you did everything. And not a single one of it matters to me, Amethyst. None of it."

The sea waved. Rinig ko ang alon. Dama ko ang langit. I engulfed her scent.

"Aren't you . . . scared of me?"

Bumitaw ako sa yakap saka siya tiningnan. "I'm scared of losing you again," sabi ko. "I'm . . . even more scared of that."

She didn't say anything else. Her lower lip trembled as tears escaped her eyes. "I . . . I returned because . . . I was afraid I won't ever see you again," sabi niya. "I won't stay, Vin."

Suddenly, my heart is in pieces again. "W-What do you mean?"

She blinked back her tears. "This life . . . my life . . . is very different from yours," sabi niya saka hinawakan ako sa mga kamay ko. "I don't want to—"

"I don't care, Amethyst—"

"But I do!" she said, and she broke into tears again. "You deserve a better person, Vin." Tears fall down her eyes and it hurts seeing her like that. "I'm pretty damaged. Ruined. I'll just drag you down," she continued, her voice breaking. "Hindi pa ako tapos . . . I have a long way to go. Four years isn't enough . . ."

I breathed deeply. She breathed deeply. We looked into each other's eyes.

"I have been looking for my real parents," she said. "For my purpose. For . . . myself. But Vin . . ." She touched my chest. "I had always brought you with me."

Why do I always have to see her cry whenever we're on the sea? Why do I always have to wipe her tears? I don't want to remember the sea and together with it, an image of Amethyst with tears on her eyes. I wiped away her tears.

"I understand," I said in a low voice. I allowed my fingers to stay in her cheeks, not wanting to let go of her ever again. "Don't cry. Please."

She touched my chest with her forehead. Matapos ang ilang segundo, umangat ang ulo niya saka tiningnan ako, at nakangiti na siya.

The same smile I know. The same smile I remember. But it's fake.

I held her even close. "Close your eyes," I whispered. The wind swayed our hair on the air. It's cold.

I stared at her beautiful face for a few moments, her eyes closed, traces of her tears on her cheeks. I smiled with tears.

"You deserve to be held like this. Gently. Delicately." I said, touching her face. I looked at her and she's crying again, but her eyes are closed. "You did not deserve anything you experienced . . . I wish I could take those nightmares away from you, Amy. I want to protect you with all I have."

"Mavin . . ."

I looked at her, her eyes still closed, and I smiled. I touched her lips and she heaved.

"I love you," I whispered, and she opened her eyes wide.

Hinawakan ko ang buhok niya saka siya hinapit pa palapit sa akin. Holding her chin up, I closed my eyes . . . and kissed her.

Right this moment, I know what I'm doing. I understand her. She's got her own journey to take care of. Amethyst and I are worlds apart, and that's the fact that I will begin to accept, no matter how broken that makes me.

Still . . . I want her to remember this kiss forever. This kiss will be far more different from all the kisses she'd had before. Different from the kisses by other boys, or by her cruel father. This time, it's real. A kiss of love, care, honesty, softness, gentleness. Mga bagay na ipinagkait sa kanya.

She made a sound on the back of her throat. She softly gasped. I felt a drop of tear fall down her eyes as she did not make any move. She remained still, her eyes closed, vulnerable, her lips on mine.

Nang bumitaw ako sa halik, sunod-sunod ang pagtulo ng luha niya. Not because of fear, or sadness, or anger.

This time, she's smiling really wide.

"I'm . . ." she said, gulped. "I'm . . . so happy."

This time, again, I would remember the sea. And together with it, I would not remember Amethyst's sad, lonely eyes, or her purplish bruises above the gleam of the sea water, nor the tears she released out of her brokenness.

Instead, I would remember Amethyst's soft lips, her gentle voice that's almost like those of an angel's, her eyes shining in outmost bliss.

And the words that she left me before I let her walk away for the very last time.

Tears fall down my eyes.

"I love you, too."

—