23

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MY PARENTS DIED when I was fourteen, and right after their funeral, I was immediately sent somewhere far from our hometown. My aunt bought me a small house in Ashmore, miles and miles and miles and miles away from her, as if she is utterly disgusted at my whole being. She sends mails sometimes, but I ignore them. Close ako sa anak niyang babae na si Marivic, and we honestly felt sad that we would be away from each other.

So basically, I lost my parents, my aunt, and probably the only friend I know.

I was sad, but I almost had no time to. Kinailangan kong magtrabaho, maghanda sa pamumuhay mag-isa, maging dependent sa sarili ko. When it strikes though and even I myself can't get away from it, I write.

The greater the sadness is, the greater the poems I write. I wrote many poems about tragedy, being bereft, about broken hearts, about parents, mothers, fathers, and so on. Writing became my remedy; it was my best friend. Though I only consider this as a hobby, I value writing so much.

The last time I wrote a poem, it was for Cinna. I wrote about her eyes and the coffee she'd always order, plus just some romantic shit.

When Amethyst left, I forgot all about writing. Maybe the heartbreak is really bad that I forgot about this one thing that I love, and something that probably would help me.

Since realizing that, instead of sleeping away the sadness I constantly feel, I sit on my desk and write her a hundred poems. Papers after papers, tears and coffee by my side. I also busied myself creating playlists for her, full of songs that describe her, full of songs that make me remember her face whenever I close my eyes.

I felt obsessed, until I just couldn't take it anymore.

Gusto ko siyang hanapin.

—

IT IS SUMMER now, the second summer since Amethyst's disappearance. It's Saturday, and I went to the beach, as usual, bringing my phone, my papers and my pen with me. Nakasanayan ko nang tumambay sa cottage sa dulo ng beach na wala halos pumupunta, tumititig sa dagat na pinaliliguan ng araw saka nagsusulat. This is the same cottage Amethyst stayed under for a week.

Sometimes I just sit there and listen to the songs I collected for her. Cinna said that I am just even more immersing myself to Amethyst, and instead of forgetting her, I am successfully doing otherwise, and it is 'unhealthy' for me.

But . . . I do not intend to forget Amethyst. By doing all these, it makes me feel as if Amethyst is still with me, as if she's within me, smiling. It makes me remember her smiles, laughter, the cookie crumbs on the sides of her lips, the redness of her cheeks, the softness of her long, brown hair . . . her face upon that candlelight as she sang me happy birthday.

I do not intend to forget her. Never will I.

Nagalit sa akin si Cinna nang sinabi ko sa kanyang gusto kong hanapin si Amethyst. She said that I'm insane; that I shouldn't look for someone obviously looking for herself, too, because I would just be damaging myself in the process.

She yelled those to me, and I was taken aback. Napansin niya ring natahimik ako sa mga sinabi niya at agad na nag-sorry sa 'kin.

"No," I said. "You're right." I sat myself on the ground and held on my hair. "I'm sorry."

"Vin, please . . ." Cinna said. "Let's let her be, okay? I myself is still grieving. Something like that isn't just . . . isn't just something you forget about." Lumapit sa akin si Cinna at saka ako niyakap. "But you have to heal yourself first, Vin. Please."

She was suddenly crying, and I felt bad. "I'm sorry," bulong ko. I held her hand. "Just this once . . . please. And I would stop talking or writng about her."

Cinna's tearful eyes looked at me.

"Let's get out of town and look for her."

Cinna's tears fell, hugged me as she painfully said yes.

—

PIERRE TAGGED ALONG with us. Magkasama kaming tatlo ngayon sa iisang kotse, as Cinna drives the car. We headed out of town as we listed down the possible places where she might be.

"She hated the sea, so we must avoid the coastal areas," sabi ni Pierre. "But I guess she wouldn't be in the urban places, too. Masyadong maraming tao roon."

"Should we try near the mountains?" Cinna asked.

"Yeah, yeah. The rural areas," sabi ni Pierre habang nakakagat sa kuko.

"There are many rural areas out of town," sabi ko. "Where's the place Amethyst would most likely go to?"

"The farthest," Cinna and Pierre said.

"Jinx!" sabi ni Piere.

"The farthest, the smallest, very far away from the sea."

The rural area that we found the smallest and the farthest is located . . . 300 miles away from town.

"That's . . . far," Cinna said to herself.

Pierre raised a brow. "That is the whole point."

I laughed as Cinna kicked his feet.

"This would take us there approximately five hours," sabi ni Pierre. "Still up?"

Napakagat ako ng hinlalaki. Napatingin ako kay Cinna at nakatingin din siya sa akin.

"I'd still go for it," Cinna said. "Five hours is nothing if this means seeing her again."

"We're still not sure though," Pierre reminded.

"There's still a chance," sabi ni Cinna.

The three of us looked at each other, smiled, and then laughed. Cinna increased the speed of the car, and that is how the search for Amethyst began.

Throughout the ride, we were just munching on chips, chocolates, and gulping down coke as my playlist for Amethyst is playing. We talked about so much things, like high school memories, how they met Amethyst, and more, but mostly, we are talking about her, which I loved.

Napapatitig ako sa labas ng bintana saka napapaisip na kung hindi namin siya makikita ngayon, titigilan ko na ang paglunod ng sarili ko sa kanya. Way before it becomes unhealthy for me. Even if I did see her, what would I say to her? I'm sorry? Please return? Are you okay? Hindi ko alam. As of now, it doesn't really matter. I just want to see her — happy. Safe. And I'd willingly return home.

Ilang oras din kaming bumyahe, nang nakarating kami sa isang liblib na lugar. There's a small arc saying Villa Stella and from afar, green fields can be seen. May malalawak na kapatagan saka kagubatan mula sa malayo.

"Oh god," Cinna whispered. Pinagtinginan ng mga tao ang sasakyang sinasakyan namin. We still seem to be in the outer part of the village so we drove deeper, until we saw houses after houses. Cinna parked the car and the three of us jumped off. 

The village seems quiet and a bit peaceful. Makakarinig ka ng mga ibon saka mga tawanan ng mga bata mula sa malayo. There are carts of fruits and vegetables, old women weaving cloths, kids running around.

May lumapit sa aming isang matandang babae na baka nasa 60's na. Cinna said hi.

"Ano'ng matutulong namin sa inyo?" the old woman asked.

"Uh . . . we're looking for a girl," sabi niya. Kumunot ang noo ng matanda. "M-Mga kasing-edad ko po. Long hair, maputi . . ."

Unti-unting lumaki ang mga mata ng matanda.

"Naku. Sumama kayo sa akin."

We followed the old woman towards her small house. She sat us down and gave us coffee.

"Ako nga pala si Rena," she said. We all introduced ourselves. "Kaibigan ba kayo ng babaeng iyon?" she asked.

"Kilala n'yo po 'yung tinutukoy namin?" tanong ko. My heart is beating fast.

"Ang pangalang sinabi niya sa amin ay Gem," tugon ng matanda.

I inhaled. Gem.

Pierre looked at me knowingly, and Cinna covered her mouth.

"S-Siya po ang hinahanap namin," sabi ni Cinna na pinipigilan ang umiyak.

Amethyst . . . is a purplish stone. It is a goddamn gemstone.

Tumango ang matanda. "Mukhang ligaw na ligaw ang batang iyon!" sabi ng matanda. "Dumayo siya rito sa amin, nanghingi ng makakain. Kapag tinatanong namin kung saan siya pupunta, saan ang mga magulang niya, kung saan siya galing, hindi siya sumasagot."

"U-Umalis na po ba siya?" Cinna asked. She's breathing quickly, and Pierre must have noticed that so he put his arm around her.

The old woman looked at us sadly. "Ano ba ang nangyari sa kawawang bata na 'yon?"

The three of us looked at each other, and back to Nanay Rena. "It's a very long story," Pierre said. "Hinahanap po namin siya hindi para pauwiin sa amin. Gusto lang namin malaman kung okay lang siya."

Nanay Rena nodded. "Ganoon ba . . ."

"She's . . . looking for herself," sabi ko. "Napakarami niyang pinagdaanan. She's very lost and damaged. W-We want to see her."

Nanay Rena slowly closed her eyes.

"Wala na rito si Gem."

Our shoulders slumped down, all of us crestfallen. My chest felt a thousand times heavier.

"Pumarito siya noong nakaraang taon, pero nagising na lang kaming lahat na wala na siya. Ang tanging iniwan niya lang ay isang kariton ng mga prutas at gulay," sabi niya, natatawa at naiiyak. "Ang sinasabi niya sa akin palagi noon . . . aalis at aalis daw talaga siya at hindi mananatili sa isang lugar. Hanggang sa . . . malibot niya ang buong mundo."

—

WE IMMEDIATELY LEFT after having that conversation with Nanay Rena. She seemed very attached with Amethyst as well, like the rest of us are. Amethyst is smart, lovable, broken. It isn't hard to fall in love with a person like her.

Driving back home, we all felt a little lighter. We did not see Amethyst, but we discovered what she was up to. We did not see her but we were assured that she is fine, is on the process of healing, and has a goal in her mind. To look for herself, to heal herself, and to run all over the world, freedom on her heart.

Amethyst Cambray will forever stay in me . . . as she drifts through the beauties of the world.

—