22
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Sometimes, I wonder, I was probably Hitler in my past life. Or someone really, really horrible, that the heavens have punished me like this.

I heard from Irene (I refuse to call her Mama — let alone consider her as my mother) that I was abandoned by my real parents and left me in front of my grandparents' house. I was given to Irene and Gary who are both drug addicts, in hopes of changing them into loving, caring people. My grandparents have failed.

I hope my real parents just left me on the river. Malay mo mas napadpad pa ako sa mas magandang bahay. Instead I live in a house that always smelled like liquor and drugs, where decent food isn't made, where the evilest people live, including probably me.

The ironic thing is, the three of us go to church every Sunday. We listen as the priests preach about kindness, forgiveness, and love. I doubt that my parents know those three; because people who know their real meanings do not curse their child, abuse their child, or rape their child.

Sometimes I just do not want to believe in God. This may be really cliched; but I believe that if he truly exists, I wouldn't have suffered like this. I guess going to church or singing for the Lord or believing there is God isn't the real basis of how good of a person you really are. I read somewhere that people are not supposed to be religious; they should be faithful. And because of my faith, I have always believed that one day, I'll get out of my hell.

How many nights have I spent screaming on my pillow as my father did me? How many nights have I tried covering up my bruises given by my mother through hammers or hot water? How many times have I cried, telling them to stop, crying myself to sleep, and then waking up the next day to be the Amethyst Cambray that everybody loves?

I had to put up an act. The bright, beautiful Amethyst, who are friends with everybody. It is sickening, but I loved being the girl I am not. At school, I'm free to pretend that I have a healthy family who loved me. It's just funny how other people around me say they envy the life I live; when they do not know how much I wish I wasn't me.

I have always said I have severe anemia to anyone who asked about my bruises. Nobody suspected my abuse, not even my kind, beautiful best friend, Cinna. I feel bad that I had to keep this as a secret, but I had no choice.

Not a single person knows about my hell, so I only have myself to put me out of it. I have planned many times. When I went out of town using a motorcycle I'd stolen somewhere, I pondered about things I should do. About ways to put this nightmare to an end.

It is Saturday, 8 PM. Our house is burning, and I did it. I killed my parents and set their bodies on fire. In there, Hannah and my parents are burning. I did not kill Hannah though. She killed herself.

The story behind that began when I saw Hannah Fuller attempting to jump off the bridge. I told her that she shouldn't do that; she said I do not understand because I have an ideal life. I laughed at her and told her everything. She said she doesn't care and would still kill her life anyway, but I stopped her and told her I would do it for her. I told her about my plans and she agreed.

Yesterday, I skipped school so I could perform my plan. I strangled my parents to death after they ate the poisoned breakfast I prepared for them. I hid their bodies under the bed. On Saturday afternoon, Hannah Fuller arrived at our house and hung herself. I was crying when I let her off the rope. I changed into her clothes I requested for her to wear so anybody who would see me would assume I was her. At 6 PM, I arranged the bodies, started pouring gas all over the house, and then successfully set it on fire.

On Thursday, I sent a letter to my grandparents hinting them on what they should do to the bodies. If the bodies undergo DNA and autopsy, I'd be doomed; because they wouldn't find any signs of smoke particles on the bodies' lungs and they would discover that these people are already dead when they were burned. Still, I'm sure that my grandparents would cremate them immediately . . . that's the least they could do.

I have planned this for a long time. I am happy that it is now all done.

I thought that by killing them, I'd be leaving my hell. But right now, all I think I feel is emptiness. I killed them, but so what? Where the hell do I go now?

I'd stay here in the cottage by myself. I'd be writing here in my diary, hide underwater if people go by, eat canned foods that I brought for myself. I don't know for how long will I stay here. But if I leave, I'd be sure to erase all my traces.

After all that happened, I think I can still smile and be happy for myself; because at least, the people who made my life horrible are now burning in hell.

I would probably burn with them soon enough.

—Cambray, A.

—

I DON'T KNOW how many times I have read Amethyst's diary. I read it whenever I miss her, pero 'yung sulat na iniwan niya para sa akin, hindi ko pa rin binubuksan. It's her very last message for me. I don't want to feel like it is already goodbye; I still want to hope that she is out there, even if a year had already passed.

College na ako ngayon. Cinna, Pierre, and I, are block mates in the same university a train away from Ashmore. It isn't so far; just an hour away so we didn't have to move. Many things have happened. Tanya still hasn't returned, Niño already has a child, Oliver is . . . still the same, but a little less dangerous. Cinna refused to date anyone else, and Pierre had found a girlfriend. I can say that after everything that happened, I'm glad I'm still doing fine. Heartbroken, but fine.

Tuluyan nang nakalimutan ng lahat si Amethyst. O si Hannah Fuller. Anything about the death or the fire that happened in Kaylock Road. They're now all forgotten and set aside.

Last year, Cinna and I found a letter hidden inside the diary, and it was written by Hannah Fuller.

Here's what was written:

Dear Mama and Papa,

If you are reading this now, I am probably already dead. Please don't look for me. I am already in a very safe place. Safer than our house ever was. I'm happy that I left. Again, don't look for me anymore, it would be pointless. Move on. I already have.

Love,

Hannah.

We did not tell the parents about what truly happened because Cinna and I believe that it would just make things worse. We may be horrible for doing that, but we just did it for Amethyst.

Kahit pa gano'n, pinadala namin ang sulat sa mga magulang ni Hannah. We never knew what happened next. We had no way of knowing.

Cinna had already read Amethyst's letter for her many times. 

Dear Cinna,

God, I miss you so much. I hope things were a little different. 

I want to say sorry for everything I had and hadn't done. For what I did, and for not telling you anything about what has been really happening in my life. I just treasure you a lot that I cannot pull you into this mess.

I want you to know that you are beautiful and smart and nice and you do not deserve dickheads like Oliver at all. You deserve someone who would see the best in you, without taking advantage of you. I also want you to know that I love you and I swear I'll do anything so I could see you again, if you ever want to. I hope you are not mad at me. 

Thank you, Cinna. You've kept me alive for so long. Thank you for being there for me when no one was and I am sorry for keeping things from you. 

I don't really like that coffee shop's coffee. I wanted you to work there so you can be close with the Coffee Shop Boy. He'd always looked at you. I'm a bit envious. Oh, and he reads the same book you'd always loved.

The Coffee Shop Boy looks very gentle. Lanky and nerdy, but he looks very kind. I like him. I think he will take care of you more than Oli-boy ever would.

I can't have the Coffee Shop Boy in this world, because my world is far more complicated than his. I would just destroy it.

But in another universe, you'd make way for me, okay? And in that another universe, I'd marry him! :")

Even my chest tightened after reading the letter. My world is more complicated, I would just destroy his. I remember thinking about wanting to have a destroyed world if it meant being with her. It is something that Amethyst would never understand.

Kahit isang taon na ang nakalipas, nahihirapan pa rin ako na kalimutan siya. She's just . . . she just seems to be everywhere. It's impossible to forget about someone who made me believe that the world isn't the way everyone thinks it is. Someone who, despite the storm within her, managed to smile at me and made me remember all the beautiful things in the world.

Even if it left me in so many pieces, I'm glad I met her. It's one of the things other people may consider a curse, but for me, a priceless blessing I would treasure for as long as I live.

—