20

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I OVERSLEPT IN the bus.

It is already 1 AM.

I got off the beach.

The night is so cold, the evening skies are full of the shining stars. The sea is waving at me and the tide is low. The moon is white, like an opal . . . and I wonder if Amethyst belongs in the stars now. I just think she is so bright.

That thought in mind, my eyes dropped down to a figure of a girl, standing on the shoreline. Her hair is ash brown, but I'm not sure — it is just too dark.

I stepped.

Then another.

I stepped again.

I'm a little closer now. I tilted my head, my eyes squinted, recognizing a very family figure. The girl is wearing a bag that seemed heavy. She is looking up. Her hair is swaying with the wind.

She looked at me.

Her tears shone on the dark.

She was crying.

"Vin."

I opened my eyes, gasping.

I began to breathe hard while grasping in my chest, and I swallowed. I checked my clock to see it is already 6 AM. I continued breathing hard to calm myself, as the dream I just had disoriented me.

Today's a Saturday. Kahapon, nag-usap kami ni Cinna tungkol kay Amethyst hanggang sa napadpad sa pagsabi ko sa kanya ng totoo. She freaked out and told me that there are three corpses found, which meant that if that isn't Hannah Fuller, who the hell could that be, since Amethyst is alive and well? I am not schizophrenic, I know what I am talking about.

But I am sure that it is Hannah Fuller. She is the only one who disappeared aside from Amethyst . . . which meant that Oliver, that day, was truly telling the truth.

Amethyst herself put the house on fire.

Amethyst murdered the fifteen year old girl.

I realized I woke up in the sofa bed. I just wanted to sleep in her scent . . . am I creepy? Bumangon na ako saka huminga nang malalim. I reached for my phone and saw that Cinna sent me a text message.

I opened it.

Too late. The family cremated the bodies! They never knew that it wasn't her.

What do we do, Vin?

"Dyaryo!"

I closed the phone and wore a shirt to collect the newspaper outside. Kinuha ko ang dyaryo na hinagis ng tagahatid ng dyaryo saka tumingin doon habang pumapasok sa bahay.

Opening the door without Amethyst to be seen feels really, really off. I made my own coffee. I cooked my own bacons. I cooked my own rice. In silence . . . without Amethyst's voice in the background.

After cooking my own breakfast, I sat on my table and watched the news. I opened the newspaper and read it as I take sips from my cup of coffee. I am scanning the newspaper pages because I am sure as hell that there would be an article about Amethyst. I wasn't wrong.

I read. I read that there were corpses found, in different places in the house — in the kitchen, in the CR, and in the bedroom. There are two bodies of an adult and one body of a young woman, and since the relatives refused for them to be autopsied, they never knew if the girl truly was Amethyst Cambray, even after the body has been cremated.

I closed the newspaper and just ate my breakfast in silence. I never knew that silence can affect me this much, that silence can become so heavy because this silence means the absence of her voice.

I suddenly began to feel sick. Ni hindi pa nga ako umaabot sa limang subo, pakiramdam ko busog na ako. I feel damn heavy.

Amethyst's scent is still all over my apartment. The clothes she used still have her scent in them. The bean bag that she'd loved so much looks damn incomplete without her in it. The jar of cookies she feasts on every time we watch TV together is still full.

Fuck.

I just want her to go home now.

Napatingin ako sa papel na nasa ibabaw ng lamesa ko. Hindi ko 'to pinakailaman simula kahapon. I don't want to read it. I don't think I will. Why would she write me a letter, and then leave? Napahilamos na lang ako sa mukha saka hinugasan ang pinagkainan.

Naligo ako saka nagbihis para umalis ng bahay. Before Amethyst came to my life, I used to enjoy quiet weekends, because quiet weekends are perfect for reading incredible books. On my study table, with my cup of coffee, with my favorite socks on.

Now I can't even bear to stay at home because Amethyst's absence makes the whole house feel really heavy. It is suffocating me. If I wouldn't sleep in there, I'd just leave and would just rather face the noisy town I hate. It's better than to dwell on something that destroys me.

Those quiet weekends disappeared in a second when Amethyst barged in. Napakaingay niya, madaldal, mahilig sa mga fantasy series, parang hindi nauubusan ng sasabihin. She'd always eat cookies on the bean bag and laugh or cry.

Quiet weekends or Amethyst? I'd choose the latter. I'd give up the quiet to have someone who brings me the peace and the quiet within me.

How dare she make me realize everything that I need, and then leave me empty behind?

I rode the bus heading to the beach. I put headphones over my head and silenced everything else behind me so as of now . . . it's just myself and Amethyst in my thoughts.

I arrived at the beach and as soon as I sat down on the sand, I thought, what the hell am I doing here?

I think it is pretty stupid because I came here with a thought that I'd probably see Amethyst on the sea. Again. In a white dress, maybe? In a yellow dress? Maybe she'd realize she still wants to stay with me after all and she'd return crying in my arms.

I felt scared and hoped she did not try to drown herself again.

The sea suddenly looked like a place where I want to die.

Amethyst said that with a sad look in her eyes.

She said she wanted to die in the sea . . . but for me, she lived in it.

She was in front of the sea when for the first time ever, I felt so awake. I felt like I had a purpose in the world. I felt like someone as broken as her would understand someone as lonely as me.

She was on the sea, naked, when I appreciated the beauty she holds. She was on the sea that is almost like her. Rich. Bold. Vast. Deep. Damn, beautiful.

We were on the sea when I felt like fireworks. When I felt so alive as her soft lips touched mine.

She lived in the sea. Whenever I'd look at the sea, all I would ever remember is her face, her tears, and the grace of her lips, her brown, broken eyes.

Napatilapon ako sa pag-iisip kay Amethyst nang may biglang may umupo sa tabi ko. Napalingon ako at si Pierre pala 'yon na nakangiti nang malapad saka nakatingin sa malayo.

"The fuck are you smiling about?" I said.

He looked at me, and laughed. "Didn't you miss it?" He smiled wider.

"Hell no," I lied. Tumawa rin ako. Seeing him feels refreshing. "Ano ginagawa mo dito? I thought you hated the beach."

He sniffled. "Just figured you'd be here."

"Bakit?" sabi ko. "May sasabihin ka ba?"

He bit his lower lip, still looking at the horizon. "Amethyst is so hot, right?"

I looked away.

"She's so beautiful and smart." I agree.

"But she seemed fake, didn't she?"

And then silence.

"Laging nakangiti. Nakatawa. Kaibigan ng lahat," sabi niya. "Akala mo kung sinong mabait. Nasa impyerno rin pala."

Sa sinabi niyang 'yon, nilingon ko siya. He's no longer smiling. But then he looked at my eyes, smiled lopsidedly, and said, "I discovered something I shouldn't have," he said. "You've been hiding it for months. And her, too."

My eyes widened. "What are you—"

Lumapit siya sa akin. Bumulong.

"I know she's alive."

That was enough for me to forget how to breathe, then I rubbed my throat. If that's what he knows, he probably also knows about the three corpses, and the fact that Amethyst . . .

"I know that, too."

Nanlalaki lang ang mga mata ko. My fingers began to shake. My palms went cold.

"How did you . . . how did you know?"

Bigla na lang na may nilabas siyang shoulder bag mula sa likod niya. I widened my eyes.

It is Amethyst's.

It's the bag that she was wearing that time.

I remember the first time we had argued. When she left the house to go to the 'library', did she actually go here to the beach to look for this bag?

"Puno ng bato. Nakita ko sa dagat," sabi ni Pierre. "Nasa mababaw na parte, pero hindi masyadong halata. I thought it was a bag of gold that would make me hell damn rich, but instead . . . a diary was inside, also inside a plastic, kaya tuyo pa rin."

I was startled, my eyes widening. "A diary?"

"Yes," he said and gave me a half shrug, smiling lopsidedly. "Nabasa ko na lahat."

Bahagyang nanginginig ang kamay ko nu'ng inabot ko 'yung diary.

"Be glad it was me who found it," dagdag pa niya saka siniko ako.

I smiled at him and thought that he's right. If it was someone else, what would have happened? Probably worse than this.

"You've been really weird, you know," sabi niya saka nagkamot ng kilay, nakatingin sa malayo. "Lalo na no'ng araw na nagmadali ka para umuwi. That was the day that I went here and found that. Imagine how confused and surprised I was when I did."

Napatingin ako sa kanya na nagpatuloy lang sa pagsasalita. "I considered giving it to the police, but if it were true that you've been keeping Amethyst, you'd be in deep trouble, vro!" he said, smiling wide. Napaakbay siya sa 'kin. "Your homie doesn't want that. I just thought she'd already leave by the time that Hannah Fuller was suspected. So I came here."

The relief I felt in my chest with the gratitude welled in my heart, as I looked at my stupid friend. There were a lot of times I actually want to kick his balls but there were a lot more times that I want to hug him and thank him for being my friend.

"Pierre . . ." I said, smiling, then I punched his arm.

"Pero may utang ka sa 'king kwento. Soon," he said with a grin, returning a punch on my arm. "You don't have to tell me now."

Before I could even reply something, he tapped my shoulder, stood up and left. Napatingin ako sa diary na binigay ni Pierre. It is just like an ordinary notebook, with her name written on the first page.

When I flipped a page, the first thing I read punched me on my gut.

How I'd Want to Kill My Family

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