a/n: my favorite chapter. enjoy reading!

15

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I WAS A regular teenage boy before Amethyst came to enter my world.

Well, it does sound odd to use regular though. I have dead parents and an angry aunt, and I send myself to school. But at the very least, old mothers would rate me 10 out of 10 if it's me being a good kid is being talking about. 

That being said, it's only normal for me to fall in love. The first time I did was when I was fourteen years old, three months into living in Ashmore.

Hindi ko alam kung paano, e. Gano'n naman talaga, 'di ba? Love strikes like thunder. If it hits you, it hits you. And it hit me.

At the bus stop every 7 AM, there would always be this girl waiting right across the street, her hair tied up in a bun, wearing different kinds of sweater every morning. A car would pull over in front of her, and after it goes, the girl would disappear.

Sinabi ko 'to kay Tanya. She raised her other brow at me, and said, "you'll just end up crying, but enjoy that sentiment of yours as long as you still don't."

She's such a goth, an emo-girl of early twenties that I just find her totally senseless. The hell was she talking about, I thought to myself, but not until now did she start to make sense to me.

As a fourteen year old, all I thought of was trying to talk to the girl across the street, wanting to make her smile or laugh. That's all I had in my head, and . . . nothing else. I figured that that's what love is all about. All smiles, not crying like Tanya always say. I am proud that I used to think this way despite the tragedy that happened in my family.

Well anyway, this 'love' went on for a few more weeks, and then I did not prepare myself for the very first heartbreak I'll experience with a girl . . . or not. Imagine my surprise when I saw my crush on an empty classroom kissing another girl.

I immediately fled out the room. I knew I shouldn't have assumed her sexuality; I was the one at total fault for being such a coward.

I was so devastated and traumatized that I did not show up in work for days. Pumasok lang ako nang tinawagan ni Tanya ang bahay ko at binalaang magpapadala siya ng kabaong sa 'kin kung hindi pa ako papasok. Siyempre, pumasok ako, sino'ng hindi papasok kung ganyan na ang banta sa 'yo?

After that happened, I realized how much I don't know about love. About how naive I was to think that it was just about making each other happy; about how it was just about each other's smiling faces. Love isn't like that. Love is much, much, deeper than that, and sometimes, love means letting someone you do not know stay inside your own house . . . even if it meant risking your safety and your favorite couch.

I think of all this as I sit beside Amethyst on my favorite couch.

We fit in one. Her place is always on the sofa, but whenever I get comfortable of having to sit on my favorite couch, she'd begin insisting to sit with me. Well, not that I don't like it. She becomes a hundred times closer to me when she does this, and I like the feeling of . . . having her close.

"Wala nang apples."

Napakurap ako. "What?"

"Ubos na ang apples," she said, hugging her feet together.

"Kakabili ko lang, ah!" I exclaimed, and looked at her, munching on one.

"Doblehin mo kasi pagbili ng apples," sabi niya habang ngumunguya. "Alam mo namang favorite ko ang apples."

"Okay. Ano pa?"

She grinned at me. "Cheetos."

Cheetos, in my own opinion, is disgusting. Para lang namang pritong harina na binudburan ng cheese. I don't know what Amethyst liked about Cheetos, but I really hate buying it because she always insists for me to have a bite. Kapag nakangisi na siya sa 'kin at nakaabot ang kamay na may hawak na Cheetos — wala na. Kailangan ko nang kumain.

I don't like eating Cheetos. Pero kapag nakakagat na ako ng isang piraso at nakangiti na siya sa 'kin ng parang isang bata, naglalaho na 'yung kapangitan ng lasa ng chichirya.

Still, Cheetos and apples are the least that we should worry about.

Last Saturday, I had a fight with Tanya. The first ever real fight we've had in our three whole years of friendship. Kinwento ko 'to kay Amethyst at may mga bagay siyang hindi nilinaw sa 'kin.

She had always suspected Tanya, and Cinna knows about it? Even before the fire started, Amethyst had been trying to know who was behind the death threats of her family, and she did not tell me about this. Whether she thinks it is a useless information, I still honestly think that these kind of things are supposed to be told.

But I still trust Amethyst. She is . . . I don't know. Special to me. I saw myself in her, during the time that no one was there to protect me. Noong unang araw na nag-desisyon akong tutulungan ko siya, I made myself swear that I would protect her.

But maybe . . . Amethyst is more than just a girl I want to help and protect.

"Amethyst."

I said her name without thinking. Her name just went out my mouth, just as I was thinking about her. Habang magkatabi kami sa iisang couch, tumingin siya sa akin, kumurap, ngumunguya ng mansanas. For a few seconds, I just looked in her eyes, and everything around me silenced. In this very moment, it is just me and Amethyst's brown eyes.

I've always liked Cinna. Always have. She was . . . she was the girl I have always dreamt of. But I did not foresee that because of her, I'd stumble upon the beach where Amethyst almost died in the vastness of the sea. Where her eyes looked at me for the first time, where she smiled amidst her tears and called me "the coffee shop boy".

Sometimes my heart just hurts at the thought of her. Whenever I get to drive with Cinna, or whenever I think of the things I have to do or things I have to risk, I always remember that if it is for Amethyst, it would be more than worth it.

She stared back at my eyes. Television light shone on her rosy cheeks. Her breathings remind me of her fast breathing back in that shoreline at 1 AM, almost a couple of months ago.

"C-Come with me," I said.

"Come with . . . you?" she asked. "S-Saan?"

I looked away. Her face was too close.

"I don't know," sabi ko. Tiningnan ko ang relo ko. It's 1 AM already, and nobody else in the town is probably awake right now. Tumayo ako mula sa couch saka mabilis na pumunta sa kwarto.

Kumuha ako ng isang malaking hoodie saka isang hoodie para sa 'kin. When I walked out the room, Amethyst was looking at me, curiosity in her eyes.

"What are you . . ."

"Amethyst," I said. Inabot ko sa kanya ang oversized hoodie. "G-Go on a date with me."

She was surprised, her eyes widened. Napakurap siya. Shes was quiet. The both of us was quiet. Nagpapakiramdaman.

The air conditioner hums, the TV is muffled in my ears.

She smiled. Slowly, she smiled. It burned something inside me. A million, million, million times different from what I felt for Cinna or anyone else. It was a completely different feeling, and it pushed me over the edge. My heart pounded, and perhaps, I guess, hers, too. As she smiled . . . as she smiled, my heart hurts.

She is so beautiful. She always is.

I do not . . . regret loving her.

—

AT 1 AM, THE town was dead. Not a single soul was there. The streets that are always covered by people were empty. The music store that used to be noisy at the daylight was quiet, and the famous bakery who'd always sold the best bread was closed, and its usual aroma that pulled customers in is empty, dead, silent.

The whole town is sleeping, and Amethyst and I are biking through the dead streets.

Sinuot niya 'yung bestida niyang dilaw, pero nakasuot din siya ng hoodie sa ibabaw no'n. Amethyst looked pretty.

I stopped by the movie theater. Bumaba si Amethyst ng bike, and she laughed.

"Ano naman ang ginagawa natin dito, ha?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" tanong ko, nakangiti. I raised my brows.  "Today is a Sunday. We just watched an amazing movie. People are walking the streets but nobody cares about us." I smiled and looked up. "The clouds are covering the sun, and it just rained. The earth smell of the rain," sabi ko. Pumikit ako saka suminghot. "Hmm. Petrichor."

She looked sad, momentarily, and after that, she smiled, closed her eyes, and smelled. "Right," sabi niya. Huminga siya nang malalim saka tumingin sa akin. "Mavin. I want some cotton candies."

I laughed. "Sure."

At this moment, it is not 1 AM. Today is a rainy Sunday, the town is alive and bright, the streets are covered by busy people that we do not care about. And I am on a date with Amethyst Cambray. Something that would not happen, even after all this had ended, and I know why. Even with this painful thought, I continued pretending.

I am with Amethyst Cambray, I am holding her hand, and she is smiling at me. That matters.

Noong gumising ako isang umaga, nakita ko si Amethyst na nakatalikod sa akin, nakaharap sa kusina. Her hair was tied in a ponytail, sweat was collecting on her nape. Then she turned around, looked at me, and smiled. Like that is the most natural thing to do.

That moment, I hadn't thought, ever, that I'd walk the dead streets with her. I hadn't thought that I'd like her this much. I hadn't thought that I would wish that everything isn't the way it is now. 

Tonight, Amethyst and I are so sure that nobody would ever see us. With that thought in mind, Amethyst and I danced and laughed in the streets, like what we had always wanted to do if things are just a little different.

I know that I have always said this, but I just want to say again how beautiful Amethyst is. Her brown hair, her pretty, inviting eyes, her laugh that soothes my heart for some reason, her . . . her. I think about how lucky I am to be holding her and to witness her smile in this cold night. How lucky I am to be able to watch her beauty that only I could see.

Para kaming mga engot na sumasayaw sa kalsada, tumatawa, kumakanta . . . it's like we're living on our own, dream world. The world we've always wanted. The world that is free.

Napahawak ako sa mga kamay ni Amethyst at sabay kaming tumigil sa walang kakwenta-kwenta naming sayaw. Humihinga kami nang malalim.

She stared at me for so long I felt conscious about my face.

"Hey," she said. Nakangiti siya nang malapad. "I don't believe in God."

That came out of nowhere. Napakurap ako. I smiled. "I-I don't, either . . ."

"But I have faith," sabi niya. "And I believe in doing good. Remember that I said that."

I wonder what kind of "good" she is talking about, but we all have our own ideas of doing good. Doing good for others, for ourselves, for God . . . I lost my train of thoughts when she smiled at me.

She let go of my hands, walked, and turned around to look at me.

"That's just what's important, right?"

—

AMETHYST AND I rode my bike as the cold air whipped back our hair. The sound of my bike and the hymn of the sleeping town is the only music we both have.

Around 3 AM, Amethyst and I arrived at the beach. Walang tao, at ilaw lang mula sa streetlights ang nagsilbing liwanag para sa aming dalawa. The soft moonlight glimmered on the horizon.

None of us are speaking. Binagsak ko lang ang bike ko sa buhanginan saka sumabay sa paglalakad ni Amethyst. Sa lamig, napapayakap siya sa sarili niya. Her hair is still being whipped back by the wind.

Tiningnan niya ako.

"When I was a kid," she suddenly said, "I hated the sea."

I looked back at her. The sea waved.

"Kasi nakakatakot siyang tingnan," sabi niya. "Para kang kakainin nang buhay. There are so much more under that freaky shit that us, humans, haven't discovered yet. Paano kung isang beses, habang naglalanguyan kayo ng mga kaibigan n'yo, bigla na lang may lumamon sa 'yong sea monster?"

I let out a laugh. I looked at her face, smiling somewhere far, moonlight on her eyes.

"But that night," she said, "it looked . . . a lot different."

We stopped walking when we reached the shore. Napatingin ako sa kanya nang bigla niyang hinubad ang hoodie niyang kanina pa niya suot.

"It suddenly looked beautiful," Amethyst said. Napaupo ako sa buhanginan. "It suddenly looked . . ."

She paused. She stepped on the water. The wind blew. The sound of the sea was silenced when Amethyst turned around to look at me.

And she took off her dress.

As she undressed right in front of me, her eyes . . . her sad, lonely eyes never left mine. She removed every last cloth in her body, almost taking my breath away, until she was naked, on top of the evening sea and under the bare, violet skies. Her bruises are slowly fading away from her alabaster skin, but they still look . . .  painful. And then, the wholeness of her, the nakedness of Amethyst's surface and the nakedness of her within, burst in front of me.

Amethyst was such a beautiful view. She was beautiful, her body almost matching with the glory of the starry skies and the prettiness of the sea. It is as if she belonged in where she stood. Again, for the nth time, I was happy that I'm in love with her.

"Suddenly, the sea that I hated so much," she said, almost like a whisper, "looked like a place where I want to die."

Alarm flared in my chest, but I sat still. Amethyst closed her eyes, smiled, and dipped herself under the cold, shining sea.

And she did not resurface again.

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