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12

12

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I COULDN'T FOCUS on absolutely anything for the rest of the day.  I want to go home and make sure Amethyst is safe, but at the same time I want to calm down and think. I want to think that Amethyst is still safe at home, not hurt, but eating cookies while watching TV.

I bit my nails.

Paano kung pinagtitripan lang pala ako ni Oliver? Paano kung sa loob niya, galit pala siya sa 'kin dahil mukhang inaagaw ko si Cinna? He seems that sort of guy.

But even still . . . even still, I shouldn't let my guards down. Oliver may or may not be saying the truth, but the risk is still there. Ang pinakamahalaga ngayong araw ay makauwi ako nang maaga saka makita si Amethyst nang ligtas.

I bit my lower lip, my brows furrowed.

Hindi pumasok ngayon si Pierre, at naisip ko 'yon ngayon habang naglalakad sa hallways. Damn prick, now I have no one to distract me. A few students looked my way as I walked and I just kept on looking away. I bet they saw me with Oliver earlier . . . damn.

Nang makarating sa ground floor, lumapit ako ulit sa bulletin board at tiningnan ang litrato ni Amethyst. Ngayon, puro post-its na ang nakadikit rito — messages for her, nakapalibot sa picture niya. Variated by colors and different handwritings.

we miss you!!! :(

i hope you're in a better place now x

i still wear that sandals u bought for me, girl. i remember u through it:(

nami-miss ka na namin sa coffee shops. we still can't believe it.

Napakapit lang ako sa strap ng bag ko habang nakatingin sa mga 'yon. A lot of people obviously miss her and they remember her all the time. Dahil dito mas nagkaroon ako ng drive na mahanap ang nagsunog ng bahay nila. I sighed.

I remembered Amethyst's bruises and I just closed my eyes shut. Bumuntonghininga na lang ako saka nagdesisyon nang umalis.

Pero nang makarating ako sa gate, hindi ko natuloy ang paglalakad palabas dahil biglang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan. A few ran and danced under them while laughing and getting wet, a few kicked each other by kicking rain puddles. Students around me opened their umbrellas and went to the harsh rain, while I stood staring at the rainfall feeling so disappointed with myself.

Damn. My umbrella is broken.

Shit.

I sneaked in a text to Amethyst that I'd be late, much to my own distraught. I wanted to see her as fast as I can to make sure she's safe from Oliver, but here I am, stuck at school. Amethyst immediately replied 'great' which made me frown. Hindi na ako nagkaroon pa ng oras para intindihin ang sinabi niya dahil biglang may nangalabit sa 'kin. I turned around and it's Cinna.

Bigla kong naalala ang nangyari kahapon.

"Ah," sabi ko bigla. I gulped and tried to smile. "H-Hey."

Cinna smiled at me. Tumingin siya sa ulan saka huminga nang malalim. "Lakas ng ulan, 'no?"

Napakurap lang ako saka siya tiningnan.

Today, she's wearing a black sweater over her uniform, and her hair is clipped with a hair clip of roses. I blinked at it and realized it's the same one I bought yesterday.

"Your . . . hairclip is nice."

Sa tingin ko, ito ang pinaka-unang beses na pinuri ko siya. She always seemed pretty to me, every day, but I never get to tell her that, because I'm such a damn wimp and I know I'll just end up stuttering. I've always wanted to talk to her about Twisted Tree, or about other things we share the mutual interest with, but I never had the chance to. Pinangungunahan ako ng kaba. And I let myself to be devoured by it, even if it means not being able to kick one thin wall between us.

Managing to tell her that her hair clip is nice is one hell of an achievement, but right now that doesn't seem to matter. Hindi na ako kinakabahan. Pakiramdam ko rin hindi na ako mauutal. Maybe I've become so comfortable around her now, or maybe . . .

I don't know.

Maybe I just see her now as a very dear friend.

How come I feel like this?

Tumawa nang mahina si Cinna. "Iyong hair clip ko lang talaga?"

We both laughed a little. A few students are still roaming around, chit-chatting, laughing, their sound filling the surrounding. Nakatayo lang kami ni Cinna at nakatitig sa grounds na basang-basa na ng ulan.

"Vin."

I looked at her. "Yeah?"

She pursed her lips. "The truth is . . . I saw you and Oliver earlier," sabi niya. "Nakita kong sira na 'yung payong mo kaya inabangan kita hanggang last class mo."

I am surprised. Napatingin ako kay Cinna na nakatanaw na ulit sa ulan, malayo ang tingin, at ako naman, hindi alam kung ano ang isasagot. I was worried the whole time about Oliver and Amethyst, but I never knew that someone else was worrying about me, too.

"Cinna talaga," sabi ko. Napailing na lang ako saka napangiti nang alanganin. "Hindi mo naman kailangan gawin, e."

She softly chuckled. So softly I barely heard it. "That's what friends do," sabi niya. "I don't know if I was the reason why Oliver did that. Feeling ko lang hindi naman ako gano'n kagusto ni Oliver para magalit sa 'yo."

Oliver's voice rang on my head: Who cares about that bitch?

Nakaramdam na naman ako ng inis. I saw how Cinna was in love with Oliver, and hearing Oliver talk like that about her made me feel like punching him in the face; only, I'm weak as hell. I could never do that. Ang kaya ko lang ay magalit.

"Never mind that," sabi ko. "Hayaan mo na."

Cinna took a very deep breath saka nilipat ang tingin sa 'kin. "Tara na?"

"T-Tara na?" I echoed.

"Wala kang payong, 'di ba?" she said. "Sabay ka na sa kotse ko."

If only I had time to reply, I'd say no, but she already opened her umbrella so I had to get under it. Mahirap nga lang kasi mas matangkad ako kay Cinna kaya nababangga ko 'yung payong.

Napangiti ako.

Well, I can't walk comfortably this way. I carefully held the umbrella and took it away from her hand. Bahagya siyang nagulat do'n tapos natawa na lang. "The unwritten rule: the taller one should hold the umbrella."

Tumawa siya nang kaunti saka ako mahinang sinuntok sa braso.

Sumilip ako ng tingin sa kanya habang naglalakad kami nang sabay. She's looking down her feet, as if something interesting is happening as she watches her steps. Bumaling na lang ang atensyon ko sa paglalakad na rin saka nagdesisyong magsalita.

"Cinna," I said.

"Hm?"

"What do you think of Twisted Tree?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya saka tumingin sa 'kin. She was flustered, and her cheeks are red. "Grabe. You actually asked me!"

SA TINGIN KO, lahat ng pagpapapansin ko kay Cinna noon pa man ay may napuntahan din. Apparently she'd always seen me reading Twisted Tree, which was also her favorite book.

I wonder why I never knew Cinna and Oliver once became a couple when I liked her so much. Laman lagi ng mga sabi-sabi si Oliver pero iyon lang yata ang hindi ko narinig pa.

I remember that time on the bus stop, when I missed my father's death anniversary just so I can go home with Cinna. That was pretty pathetic of me. Iyon yata ang isa sa mga pinakamalala kong heartbreak. She smiled upon her phone, looking at someone else's name.

Well . . . at least, that night, I met Amethyst.

My finger is tapping on my thigh. The music on Cinna's car is soft and cold, perfect for this gloomy day. I shouldn't let her come near my house though, for very obvious reasons. I would have to let her drop me off somewhere else.

Agad napatuwid ang likod ko nang may maalala.

"C-Cinna. I think I have to go to the shop," sabi ko. "May nakalimutan kasi ako do'n, e."

She smiled. "Sure. Doon din naman ang punta ko."

"Thanks," I said, and looked at her hair clip.

The hair clip looks really damn cute.

I bet it would look absolutely well on Amethyst's hair.

Nang makarating sa coffee shop, bumaba na rin kami agad tsaka pumasok sa shop. Niño greets us as he brews coffee on the counter. A few familiar faces on the shop nodded to us, too.

"Nagpapatugtog ka na naman ng pop punk, Niño!" sabi ni Cinna habang tumatawa at pinatay ang phone ni Niño na naka-connect sa isang maliit na speaker. "Mellow nga lang daw sabi ni Miss Tanya, 'di ba?"

The air smelled of coffee. Sobrang iba sa unang amoy nito noong una akong pumunta rito, na amoy sigarilyo. The place looks really different as well, with wooden tables, unlike the original silver colored ones. Naalala ko pa na binenta ko lahat ng 'yon kapalit ng wooden tables na ipinaglaban ko talaga sa kanya. I told her that a coffee shop should have a theme, and she just told me to do whatever the fuck I want. So I did.

Pumunta na ako sa staff room na kinailangan naming linisin ni Niño kahapon. I noticed the bag on the side of the room, smiled, and took it.

Pagkalabas ko ng staff room napatingin sa 'kin si Niño.

"Oh! Si lover boy!"

Napatigil ako at napatingin sa kanya. "H-Ha?"

Napatingin din sa akin si Cinna, pati sa hawak kong paperbag. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin.

"Para kanino 'yan, ha? Dresses saka hair clip 'yan ah!" panunukso pa ni Niño. "Ikaw, ha. Dalawa lang 'yan. May pinopormahan ka o rainbow unicorn ka na, boy!"

"Pinagsasabi mo, Niño," singhal ko sa kanya saka pinalo sa balikat, na inarayan naman niya. "Manahimik ka na kung gusto mo ng mahabang buhay."

Nang ginantihan niya ako ng palo sa balikat, napabitaw ako sa hawak kong paperbag. Nahulog tuloy 'yong mga laman nito sa sahig.

Isa ro'n 'yong hair clip na kaparehas ng kay Cinna.

Niño's mouth formed an 'o'.

Mabilis ko na lang tinago ang mga 'yon tsaka tumawa. Damn it, this is embarrassing. What the hell am I being embarrassed about though? Napatingin ako sa reaksyon ni Cinna at bahagyang nanlalaki ang mga mata niya sa nakita. I hurriedly told them 'bye' and walked out the shop.

Dumire-diretso ako sa bus stop na malapit lang naman talaga sa shop. Pinagpawisan ako do'n. It's like my feelings are all over the place, so to put it simply, I feel like shit.

"Vin!"

"Holy sh— Cinna." Huminga ako nang malalim. "Why?"

She took a deep breath. She pursed her lips, looked down, and up, back to my eyes.

She seemed uncomfortable.

"T-There's something I didn't tell you."

Cinna stood there, less than a meter before me, her hair clip shining in the sun. Suddenly, it rained. A car passed. A bus stopped in front of me.

"Miss Tanya."

She blinked back her tears. I tightened my grip on the paper bag, I stared at her glistening eyes.

"She's Mr. Cambray's mistress."

WHY DIDN'T I notice?

She likes older men. She was on the gambling place. She'd always close the shop at 8 PM just so she could meet with Amethyst's father. She said she fucked up. She became a total fuck up ever since his death.

What if she said that she fucked up is because . . .

No, it can't be.

Maybe I've always noticed, always had the suspicion ever since Cinna and I saw her at that place. But I've ignored it because I was afraid it was true.

At the bus, I felt like breaking down. Tanya knew Mr. Cambray had a family. Why would she love someone like him? Why would she settle for that?

Ano ba'ng nakita niya sa tatay ni Amethyst?

Napahilamos ako sa mukha. This is not good. Now, I don't feel like going to work anymore. Maybe not now. Maybe I'll take a leave. Damn.

Pagkatigil ng bus sa tapat ng Weston, mabilis na 'kong bumaba. Good thing that the rain has already stopped, but the traces of it is still on the scent of the air and the wet, puddled road. Mabilis akong naglakad dahil baka biglang bumuhos ulit ang ulan

Pakiramdam ko napakabigat ng dibdib ko. I can't even walk my feet properly. I feel like shit. Today is shit.

Seeing my house from afar, there doesn't seem to be any ruckus, so I sighed in relief. Despite all the bad news I had for today, at least I'll get home to see her safe.

The only good news I'll have today.

Nakarating na ako sa front porch, at habang hinahanap ang susi ko, napansin kong patay ang mga ilaw sa loob. Maski ang ilaw sa kusina parang patay rin. I hurriedly opened the door.

"Happy birthday to you."

Napakurap-kurap ako. My heart almost jumped off when I heard a pretty voice singing, then, at the far end of the room, Amethyst is standing, facing me, with a cake on her hands, the candle's light flaring on the dark room.

"Amethyst . . ."

"Happy birthday to you," she still sang.

I remembered Oliver today, his obvious danger, how he told me he knows my little secret, how he broke my umbrella in half, how he hit my head with an empty can, how my fingers trembled in fear; not because of what he might do to me, but because of what he might do to Amethyst.

I remembered the gloomy rain. The bus stop. Cinna's glistening eyes.

"Tanya is Mr. Cambray's mistress."

I stepped.

"Happy birthday, happy birthday," Amethyst sang, her smile so beautiful upon the candle light. "Happy birthday to you."

Amethyst bit her lower lip, smiling wide, not knowing how bad my day was, and also not knowing how extremely happy she made me.

I smiled at her.

It's funny . . . how she's never aware of everything she makes me feel.

——

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